Prologue
You:
I was ready to commit myself to taking care of you for the rest of my life. Do you have any idea just how significant that is?
I wish you could fully grasp the depth of my feelings.
But I understand that it's hard for you to comprehend, isn't it? That understanding is tangled with pain, right?
Will you ever find your way back to me?
Is it wrong for me to wish I could make you come back, to pull you from the shadows you've submerged yourself in?
Should I muster the courage to fight against those demons that haunt you yet again?
Am I allowed to try, once more, to touch your mind and liberate you from the torment of your own personal hell? Would you permit me to do that?
Can I unravel the complexities of your thoughts and feelings? Would I even have the capacity to understand what you're going through?
But what if my attempts to bring you back only lead to a greater mistake? What if I cause you more suffering than you've already endured? What if I end up loathing myself for it?
What if, in the end, you come to despise me?
What can I accomplish all alone? With no one to lean on or seek guidance from?
I'm not strong.
I am trapped in a web of fear.
When I look at you, when I hold you close, the grip of fear threatens to overwhelm every fiber of my being.
Yet, I miss you more than words can convey.
I yearn for just a handful of moments spent with you. I've grown to love you in ways I never expected, even knowing so little about you. Our time together was so brief; we never truly got to relish in it. Fear lingered at every corner, suffocating the joy, while darkness loomed, ready to consume you completely.
What about your feelings?
Do you miss me too?
If I were to awaken you... Would you choose to stay by my side? Will you finally let your walls down and stop fleeing from the connection we share?
***
Jungkook:
Do you truly understand what it means to be consumed by fear?
To feel that chilling sensation freezing you to your very core, every bone and sinew paralyzed by dread?
Do you know the terror of awakening suddenly, engulfed by strangers who claim to have your best interests at heart? Who insist they want to mend what has been shattered by others?
Is it easy to close your eyes and surrender to them, particularly when those you have cried out for all your life to just stop the pain never listened?
If those who should have cared for you most, the ones you relied on, were indifferent to your suffering, why would the cares of a complete stranger matter?
Can you fathom the turmoil of living with a mind that feels skewed and fractured? Not knowing who you are anymore or what you might do next? Reaching a state where you cannot place any value on yourself and hold no expectations for those around you or even for your own future?
That's where I stand. Even when I catch a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror, I see a stranger staring back at me. I can never be certain of his capabilities, nor can I detect any emotions lingering beneath the layers of fear and self-revulsion.
What am I truly feeling when I think of her?
Because I do feel her presence. Deep within my subconscious, I sense her gentle touch, her soft voice echoing in my ear, whispering sweet words of love and longing.
I am painfully aware that she is waiting for me. I know that she desires me.
Yet, all I can feel instead is an overwhelming tide of fear and anguish.
Fear of getting too close to someone who might shatter me further.
Fear of receiving hurt much deeper than what I've already endured.
Fear of causing her pain.
And pain, that piercing ache that lingers every moment she's near.
I wanted her close to me. I crave her presence, even while simultaneously wishing she were far away from my tumultuous life.
I once believed that if I surrendered to slumber once again, I'd be released from the agony of feelings and thoughts. But it didn't turn out that way. It became a form of torment.
I never realized the sacrifices she would undertake, all for someone like me.
I assumed she would eventually walk away, but I also thought that if she did, it wouldn't matter, since I wouldn't be aware of events happening around me.
But she remained. She worked tirelessly, day after day... all for me.
Four long years she dedicated herself to my care without ever asking for anything in return. All she wanted was for me to open my eyes and truly see her.
Yet, when that moment arrived, I couldn't even bring myself to do it. I didn't want to.
What have I ever given her? Nothing of true value.
And the unsettling truth is, I will never be capable of offering anything. She knows this, which is why she never expects anything from me. And that knowledge, that reality, is what tears at my heart.
It's been the reason I could never continue down this path.
That's why I felt I had to leave.
As soon as I heard the door click shut behind her, I slowly opened my eyes, gazing at the stark white ceiling above me. Then I turned my head towards the door, feeling her warmth linger even after she had gone.
Why do you have to be so... My eyes softened, mirroring the anguish in my heart. I rose from the bed, changing my clothes with a heavy feeling of loss.
Please, don't seek me out this time.