Chapter 40
'I am wide awake. Or am I living in a nightmare? I don't know anymore; I'm going mad, and I can't sleep. It has only been a year, but it feels like an eternity. Each day stretches on longer without them.'
"What are you doing?" Yamato asked as Iruka closed the notebook. "You should just leave it to sensei and the Third. You won't get anything out of this."
"I am not trying to learn; I just want to understand."
"Then you are better than me, I wouldn't want to know what happened. Whatever the Third did, I will still trust him and believe him," Yamato replied. "Don't forget to eat some more food. Sensei and Shisui will finish it all up if you are not quick enough."
Iruka only smiled. He forced himself to eat more than he needed. But as hungry as he was, there was a limit to his body. And he didn't feel like enjoying himself right now. He picked up the notebook—one of the few things that survived the fight. It has a lot to say, and Iruka wanted to see it all.
'So lonely. I started to forget them. It gave me the strength to think about them. Remembering all the times I spent with them—all the good and bad times. However, after only five years, I began to notice missing pieces in my memory. It will only become more difficult as time passes. But I must proceed. I am the only one who can do it. I am the only one. I am the only one. I am the only.'
The rest of the page was torn out. It would be easy to dismiss it as the ramblings of a madman. But Iruka felt he could understand him, even if only a little. Losing someone was never easy. Iruka looked at the words left by the nameless man, realizing that it was something he could one day become.
I need money. Mercenary work isn't easy, and it is time-consuming. But I need money to continue my work. If only I were a bit stronger and had a little more chakra, then I wouldn't have to use so many resources. If this goes so slowly, I will need to narrow down what I focus on.'
The notes were mostly filled with all his work, including schematics for various weapons, alchemy formulas, and explosive combinations. Most of them weren't finished, as they lacked funding and resources. Along with those notes, Iruka found the man's written thoughts. At first, that was what kept him reading, but now he knew his notebook contained very valuable knowledge.
'I considered that I would no longer share my thoughts here. Yet as the years went by, my body grew weaker, and my mind became increasingly feeble. It was hard to keep up with all this research. But my hatred remains the same. I don't know what I hate more: myself for not being there with the rest, for not dying with them, or the monster that plagues my dreams. I know I am too weak. It has already been twenty years, and nothing has changed. Maybe it was time to face reality.'
'Stalking them was difficult. Not a single shinobi from Konoha was weak. Their education and training were far superior to those in my village. There were no weak targets. In a straight fight, I could never win. But there were weaknesses I could exploit.'
'Arrogance. That will be their downfall. It only took investigating one mercenary group to raise suspicions. Now, they believe they are being targeted, and being close to Konoha will encourage them to use their services. However, knowing their finances was enough to determine what kind of team they could afford. Like this, I will continue to torment them, one team after another. I will not let them recover from the war so easily. I will not let them forget what they have done.'
'It was a losing game. They will arrive in a few days, which will be enough time to prepare. It was everything I could bring out. Yet I knew I would die. I didn't expect the Akimichi clan head to be with them. I guess I was unlucky, or maybe it was a sign. After all, I didn't hate those children. I only hated Hiruzen Sarutobi. But there I was, continuing the cycle of hatred and pain.'
'The explosives are set, the road is blocked, nobody will come from behind. Everything is prepared. So why do I write? Perhaps because I know you're reading. Whoever you are, I know I am dead as you read this. I hope hate doesn't consume me, as I now feel better than I ever did in twenty years. Human emotions—such a mystery that cannot be comprehended. I feel free to accept my fate. I can finally return home.'
Iruka forced himself to stop reading the final page. He didn't want to come to terms with facts that would haunt him in the future—the fact that their enemies were human beings just like him. They felt alone, afraid, and angry, just as he did. Could he ignore this in future battles? When does one hesitation turn into a disaster?
…
'If it is you, Hiruzen Sarutobi, that is reading this. I want to know that I forgive you for what you've done. Not because I want you to feel better, but because I want to die in peace. You won't. How much pain did you bring to this world? Do you think others will forgive you? If you have even a shred of humanity left in you, I can die knowing that you will never forget what you have done. Even in death, all of it will haunt you. Use this notebook. Use it! I am sure some things will be useful. But every time you use anything written here, you shall remember what you have done. I will be remembered. My village will be remembered.'
The fuck was this? Hiruzen looked at the notebook that had been presented to him. He just finished reading it, and he hoped he hadn't opened it. Well, there were quite a few ingenious contraptions. But nothing useful for him. With all the headaches he has been experiencing lately, he wondered how his head isn't mush by now.
"Shizune, how are Choza's injuries?"
"He claims it is all but a scratch."
"The hell it is," Hiruzen replied angrily. "I want him in a hospital bed, until Tsunade herself clears him."
"He didn't go to a hospital, sir."
"What with all of them refusing treatment?" Hiruzen was growing increasingly frustrated with his shinobi's stubbornness. "Do I need to break their legs before they listen to common sense?"
"You are in no position to say that."
"What was that?" Hiruzen didn't catch Shizune's mumble.
"He said that he didn't like hospital food."
"Did at least the rest of the team check in at the hospital?"
"There's nothing to worry about them, sir. Only a few bruises here and there. I made sure they weren't lying."
"Make sure they aren't training or something and are resting well. I will meet with Choza and assess his health. Oh, and give his notebook back to Iruka; I don't need it."
Hiruzen let the team rest. They said they were fine, but Hiruzen only needed a summarized report to know that the mission was quite challenging. And Choza didn't look good. He could feel the bundle of negative emotions so strong that his seal still reacted without Choza directing them to him.
The big man was a bit of a softy. His training method might not be normal, but Hiruzen could not deny its effectiveness. This last team didn't lack endurance. Even Ebisu was quite a shinobi to endure torture that turned Hiruzen's stomach just from hearing about it. There was no mistaking that Choza knew what he was doing, and it was only his luck that got in the way.
But it got Hiruzen an idea. He was trying to think of how he would conduct the Chunin Exams. And time was ticking. Survival test sounded quite good. And it isn't his fault that his team would already be prepared for it. And it would give a perfect opportunity to torment those children, especially from Kumo. Death Forest was, after all, a dark and scary place, and Hiruzen thought he could make it even worse.
It would give him a chance to utilize his knowledge of horror games and movies that he had consumed so readily in his past life. It surely was a better use of his time than worrying about some unknown shinobi from the unknown village that had a grudge against him. It was a sad and tragic story, Hiruzen could understand that.
Still, Hiruzen couldn't care less about the man and his possible past with him. He didn't feel bad or sorry for him. If Hiruzen himself had moved to take down that village, it meant it was a threat to Konoha, an obvious one at that. He might even try to do some research on it when he has time. And it wasn't him who destroyed that village, so he had no reason to feel anything for it.
What disturbed Hiruzen was the fact that there were people he had no idea existed who wanted him dead. He didn't think of that possibility. After all, he relied on his knowledge, so it made him a bit agitated to learn that the only reason those people weren't going after him was that they thought he was a monster and they weren't a match for him.
It made sense. Hiruzen has been active in all the wars, and he has surely killed many people. People with friends and family who hated his guts. The whole Iwa hated Minato, and he only participated in one war. For someone called God of Shinobi, Hiruzen was probably hated by every village in existence in some capacity.
It was another wake-up call not to get caught. If people discovered he was weaker in any aspect, who knows how many would seize the opportunity to kill him. He really had to lock in and get his act together until someone replaces him. And even then, he could never leave the village, as who knows what kind of crazy bastard was waiting for him out here.
…
"Give me what he is having." Surprisingly, Hiruzen didn't find Choza in one of his restaurants, but rather in a bar. "Hah, that's a good drink you're having."
"I hate it," Choza said. "It burns too much. And the mornings afterwards are the worst. No amount of grease helps."
"That bad, huh?"
"Yeah, I always have it after I mess up."
"Good thing I don't have such a tradition, otherwise I would destroy my liver."
"To the first missions," Choza clanged his cup against Hiruzen's. "They are always messed up, and yet we continue believing they won't be."
"It is just our luck," Hiruzen replied. "Every bit of our rotten luck."
"Then, to the rotten luck." Again, Choza downed a cup of the strong alcohol. "I shouldn't have started their training that way. What was I thinking? It was Iruka's first time outside the village. Even if it was just bandits who attacked, if that child made a mistake, he could have been killed."
"Did he make a mistake?" Hiruzen asked.
"No, he was the most surprising of the three," Choza replied. "Steadfast, thinking before acting, observant, and intelligent. He will be a great shinobi."
"They all will be," Hiruzen agreed. "The only ones standing in their way are our past. We can drink and feel sorry for ourselves. We should blame ourselves for the mistakes we make. But who will benefit from it? Definitely not us, and certainly not in the morning. Check in with Tsunade tomorrow. And after your team has rested enough, continue your training. They will need it if my past ever catches up with them again."
Having one last drink with Choza, Hiruzen instructed one of his ANBU members to watch over Choza and ensure he returned home safely. Too bad the drink didn't burn his throat as it did for Choza. Again, he had to wonder why he had to possess this body out of countless others. He only wished for a chance at a new start rather than this old and worn one.
A.N. Thanks for reading. And sorry for being a bit late. I bought a new phone after my old one suddenly wouldn't charge and I had a bit of trouble setting it up. If you want If you want more, up to seven advanced chapters, you can support me on pa treon. com \ ironwolf852. And if you have any requests for stories, I will only take them on my pa treon.