Boomstick: Pong. Atari's simple tennis game.
Wiz: Breakout. Atari's block-breaking evolution.
Boomstick: The legendary retro games that changed the industry… somehow.
Wiz: But which of these timeless classics truly stands the test of time… in a fight?
Boomstick: We're really doing this, huh? He's Wiz, and I'm Boomstick!
Wiz: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armour and skill they somehow do have, in a Death Battle.
Is Pong the most iconic game ever????
Wiz: It was 1972. Nixon went to China. HBO was dropped. And The Godfather aired in theatres!
Boomstick: And a man named Allan Alcorn was hired by Atari, with 0 experience in video games. So his boss gave him a tiny little exercise, just to warm him up. Little did he know, Allan knocked it out of the park.
Wiz: His prototype was so magnificent, so effortlessly elegant and paradisiacal in its simplicity, that they knew they struck gold.
Boomstick: And so, it was released into the world. And we finally got to see it in all its glor-
Cutaway.
Wiz and Boomstick are holding Atari controllers. Playing the very first Home Pong. They both had rather expressionless looks on their faces.
Boomstick: And we're meant to make an episode on this?
Cutaway over.
Wiz: Well… I'm sure it shouldn't be too hard to find stuff for the Pong series. I mean, Pong is everywhere- mechanical tables, arcade machines, and more than a few console releases.
Boomstick: Oh Really? Ok then. Why don't we go through each of those releases then?
Wiz: Right. Home Pong, 1975.
Boomstick: Ok?
Wiz: Pong Doubles, which allowed cooperative play
Boomstick: Mhmm?
Wiz: Super Pong!
Boomstick: Whoa! Some sick ass Pong superhero?
Wiz: … it's a rerelease of Pong again. But Quadrapong-
Boomstick: ENOUGH! Jeez. These dudes were in Smash Bros for Pete's sake. Where's the impressive stuff?
Wiz: Well, we can't discredit this completely. Pong Paddles are masters of various skills.
Boomstick: Like what?
Wiz: Well, they're adept in physics, mastering trajectory and manipulating the very concept of angles to continue a rally indefinitely. It doesn't help that they have to deal with the constant speed increase. Theoretically, if the rally went forever, there's no saying that it couldn't attain infinite speeds.
Boomstick: You said a whole bunch of nothing there, Wiz.
Wiz: Uh… well, Pong paddles seem to be really good at reflecting things.
Boomstick: Like Tennis?
Wiz: Kind of. But they don't really swing in the traditional sense. They absorb and reproduce the exact force needed to return the ball, making their basic technique closer to attack reflection.
Boomstick: Uh huh…
Wiz: And they can partake in combat, fish, herd sheep, play Football-
Boomstick: Whoa whoa whoa. Hold your horses there. Are those the new releases?
Wiz: Newish. 1999 took Pong to the next level. Literally.
Boomstick: And it really was a whole new tier. Pong Paddles got a quick update to their very physiology, now being made completely out of some tough-ass rubber. The very first level has them tussling in the middle of the Arctic, and bombs thrown by the anti-pong robot only seem to slow them down for a second. Wait, huh?
Wiz: On the field of terrain usually lies a fun selection of power-ups that further aid the paddles. Like my favourite one, Hard Smack. The paddle swings its whole body like a bat to smack the steel ball so hard, it leaves a fiery trail. That ball would have to be moving at over 3 times the speed of sound.
Boomstick: WHAT? HA, WHAT?
Wiz: Assuming a standard arcade steel ball weighing about half a pound, the kinetic energy clocks in at over 300 kilojoules! That's like getting hit by a small car at highway speeds.
Boomstick: So this… cuboid…
Wiz: …yeah.
Beat.
Boomstick: Uh…they can summon seals to act as extra paddles, tilt the entire terrain, and even summon mad monkeys to stomp on ya! Don't worry. They pop right back up.
Wiz: In Certain Levels, the Pong Paddles straight up just grab the ball rather than reflect it, and can hold it indefinitely.
Boomstick: That… feels like cheating.
Wiz: Oh, and we're not done yet. Because in April 2020, the latest entry in the Pong series was released.
(Drumroll)
(Reveal)
Boomstick: Ugh… Pongquest. Yeah, Atari decided the next level after the next level was… an RPG. With Pong. Wiz, I know that everyone was crazy in 2020, but this is a new level of ridiculous.
Wiz: Now you may be wondering, how does Pong fight? Well, they don't. They rally. And the longer this rally goes, the more HP both sides lose. So how do you mitigate that?
Boomstick: With a MASSIVE amount of Balls!
Wiz: …Power-up balls.
Boomstick: Using the potion ball heals a Paddle on its next rally. The curve ball can change a return's trajectory. And there's a lot of attack option balls as well! Fire! Ice! Poison! And a freaking Bulldozer ball!
Wiz: They can spawn multiple balls with the multi ball. Shrink other paddles with the shrink ball. Stun foes with the dizzy ball. Create Barriers, hold you in place with the spider ball and even… force you into a game of Breakout…
Boomstick: And Asteroids. I'm sure that won't come up later. Whirlpools, more power, oil spills, invisibility, we'd be here forever if we kept going. There's over 60 here. You get the drift.
Wiz: But as many abilities as Pong Quest gives you, they have one thing in common. They're singular use.
Boomstick: Yeah, our MC here isn't very big on recycling. So he can only get new balls after… is he killing these things?
Wiz: No, they're being teleported back to the kingdom of Pong or something. It's a whole thing.
Boomstick: Psssh. This is why I should write the scripts.
Wiz: (Sigh)
Beat
Boomstick: But you know what, Wiz? It is better that way! I mean, isn't this kinda inspiring in a way? I mean… THIS, started off with THIS.
Wiz: You're… totally right. In a way, Pong defies the idea of a limitation. Despite its bare-bones, humble beginnings, the series continued to push the very boundaries of creativity. Who says you have to be limited to how your beginnings define you?
Boomstick: There's a reason why it's referenced by every game under the sea. It's no Mario, but Pong is still one of the most iconic games you'll never play.
Breakout has more than you'd expect!!
Wiz: 1978. Superman released. The Bee Gees dominated the music charts. And Roman Polanski fled the USA. For reasons.
Boomstick: And more importantly, that OTHER retro game was bringing in the big bucks. And… a LOT of competition.
Wiz: Atari wanted more variety. So, they decided to make a one-player version of that hit game. So they enlisted a tiny little guy named Steve Jobs to help build it.
Boomstick: The Xbox guy?
Wiz: Close. Anyway, Jobs got his buddy, Steve Wozniak, to design the circuitry. He made it so efficient that Atari honestly didn't know what to do with it.
Boomstick: And then Jobs scammed him out of a bunch of money. What a guy!
Wiz: Regardless, Atari put in their own hard work, and eventually, a new hit game was created. One that would truly separate them from all the rest.
Boomstick: It wasn't their first, but it was poised to be… a breakout game!
Boomstick is holding an Atari controller. Playing the original Breakout. Wiz is sat, rather cramped, right next to him.
Ringmaster walks in.
Ringmaster: What the heck are you guys doing?
Boomstick: Research.
Ringmaster walks out, not nearly as assured as he thought he'd be.
Boomstick: DAMN IT, WHY THE HELL DOES THE BALL WIGGLE THAT MUCH!
Wiz: Can't I get a turn?
Boomstick: NO!
(Cut back to analysis)
Wiz: In breakout and super breakout, our trusty paddle has to break blocks, or PERISH. Luckily, it has more than enough skills to counter that dire fate. Its humble paddle is a tireless, physics-defying barrier, utilising its extreme knowledge of angles to break these… oddly colourful boxes.
Boomstick: Wiz.
Wiz: I know, I know. But technically, this does offer something.
Boomstick: Oh really?
Wiz: This paddle is breaking blocks. Actual blocks, in one single ball shot. Look at this! I just used a ball and glitched through that block to get the block behind it! Is this some sort of dimensional travel? Can the Breakout paddle warp realit-
Boomstick: CAN WE JUST GET TO THE GOOD STUFF ALREADY?
Wiz: …
Boomstick: Yeah, my fault. Now I know how you feel.
Wiz: Apology accepted. Now, Breakout has a surprisingly expansive series. And with it comes a lot of variety. Take the simple Breakout 2000. From 1996.
Boomstick: Which gives you a Plasma Cannon! Trust me, I have no idea either.
Wiz: Alongside that, the paddle can attract or repel the ball, and even increase in size!
Boomstick: And later games kick shit up a notch! 22 years later, we got Breakout Recharged, which really teched things up a notch!
Wiz: The sheer amount of weaponry this block breaker gains is frankly insane. Homing Missiles, Explosive Balls-
Boomstick: And LOTS, AND LOTS OF GUNS! Spread Shot, Rapid Shot, heck, there's a powerup that involves bullets rotating around another bullet. Are we sure this isn't Arknoid?
Wiz: Most notable is the railgun, which is capable of clearing… frankly, a lot of rows. And this IS solid brick we're talking about.
Boomstick: It's the block-breaking way. Wait wait, wait, Wiz. I'm pretty sure we skipped over something.
Wiz: Wa? No. No. We definitely didn't-
Boomstick: Yeah, when I said 22 years later. Rewind!
(It does)
Boomstick: There!
Beat.
Boomstick: Why the hell does it say Pandora's box?
Wiz: Boomstick. Welcome to Breakout PS1.
Boomstick: Pssh. This is Pandora's box? This little rectangle shit named Bouncer? Oh boy, and look, his gf got kidnapped, and he was dragged off to prison. Big freaking deal.
Wiz: Alone and close to giving up, Young Boxer is visited by a floating head named Coach Steel, who taught him the way off… Angling!
Boomstick: Angling? Psh. That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
Wiz: And after escaping a wolf on foot, now, he's in Egypt, battling a Mummy to the death.
Boomstick: Yeah, yeah, WAIT A SECOND, THAT THING IS SHOOTING LASERS!
Wiz: Not only is he capable of reacting to these beams, but he can shrug them off pretty handily. That's not all he dodges and shrugs off. Dynamite, Cannonball Fire-
Boomstick: AND HE DEFEATS A WHOLE AS DRAGON BY CHUCKING STONES AT IT.
Wiz: And there's more.
Boomstick: In the level against the Robot thing, after dodging its electricity, Bouncer even gains his very own lasers, with infinite ammo! And right after that, he jets off to save his gf, on a rocket!
Wiz: In order to protect the rocket, Bouncer climbs out, and literally acts as a defence system against meteorites. To keep up with the rocket's speed, he would have to be moving at least 32 to 33 times the speed of sound.
Boomstick: 4 times faster than the fastest fighter jets on Earth. That's right. THIS THING! You know, Bouncer worked super hard in this game. But the rallies were still pretty hard.
Wiz: If only he had Breakout Beyond.
Boomstick: The latest entry in the series didn't forget to bring a bunch of tricks with it. Of course you've got your bombs and drills, but you've also got these two.
Wiz: The ability to slow down time, at a cost of your rally points.
Boomstick: And this handy dandy Forcefield! Using it covers the entire area behind Breakout, and literally deflects balls on his behalf!
Wiz: And while it eventually breaks after a few hits, it can be activated again later on.
Boomstick: It's wicked useful in preventing close calls and hitting back at bad luck. Something Breakout definitely needed a while ago.
Wiz: From being mugged by Taito, and ripped off by every company under the sun, Breakout is somehow a rare case of the original getting far and beyond the short stick.
Boomstick: And its games aren't any easier. So many knick-knacks to know about, so many gimmicks to govern, I mean, I'm sure you're paying attention, but this dude has his GF stolen and went to the moon in the span of a few days.
Wiz: For all its power-ups, weapons, and absurd adventures, Breakout has always been about one simple idea: pressure.
Boomstick: A suffocating wall in front of you. A ball behind you. No room to sulk.
Wiz: Whether it's colourful blocks, prison walls, dragons, robots, or the limits of its own genre, Breakout endures by doing exactly what its name says.
Boomstick: It breaks out.
Wiz: We've run the data through all possibilities.
Boomstick: But now, it's time for a Death Battle!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Death Battle:
BEEP.
BEEP.
BEEP.
BEEP.
Back and forth. The ever familiar, ever iconic rally of a Pong game.
CRASH!
An impact so hard, it flips the Pong Paddle like a knife. When it lands, before it lies Bouncer, the Ball Breaker.
Bouncer: Have you seen my girlfriend?
The Pong Paddle stood vertically. Not a peep out of it as the camera lingered on its form for a bit.
FIGHT!
The Pong Paddle launched forward, slamming into Bouncer and carrying them both into a tumbling roll. They bounced across the pitch-black Pong… Stadium? Arena? Who knows, crashing straight through a massive wooden door behind them. The door didn't lead into a building so much as a cartoonishly enormous staircase, and the two paddles immediately began clattering down every single step, ricocheting off walls, railings, and each other as the camera pulled back just long enough to show that, yes, the staircase really did keep going.
At the bottom, Bouncer hit the floor first, only for Pong to expand its body and stomp into him. Pong bounced upright, before raising a floating, disembodied hand and pointing forward. Four balls materialized behind it, hovering in a perfect line.
The balls drifted toward Bouncer. He narrowed his eyes and twisted his upper half like a coiled spring. Then, he smacked the first away. Then the second. Then the third. Each return came faster than the last. The fourth ball, however, suddenly warped into a massive anchor. His eyes widened a fraction before it slammed directly into him, knocking him into a helpless midair spin.
His eyes sharpened. He stabilized himself, floated higher, then dropped like a hammer into the blocky street beneath him. The impact broke the ground and spawned a Laser Cannon onto his side.
Without hesitation, he opened fire. Pong staggered under the first few blasts, then hopped backwards to avoid the rest, bouncing away from each shot with tiny little frantic little leaps. As the lasers chased him across the street, Pong created two balls and kicked them into the final blasts, intercepting the shots just before they could land.
Bouncer's cannon shifted from laser fire to plasma. Energy gathered at the weapon's tip, swelling brighter and brighter until he fired. Pong threw itself aside at the last second, and the blast wailed past it before detonating in the distance, blooming into a mushroom cloud that swallowed the skyline.
Pong slowly turned to look back at the explosion. And looked back far faster.
Bouncer didn't give him the luxury of processing that. He began charging a second plasma shot. Only for a fiery ball to shoot forward like a bullet and strike the plasma cannon dead-on, shattering it.
Pong bounced in place, then performed a little gesture that could only be interpreted as manic laughter. The sky darkened. One by one, asteroids began tearing through the sky with streaks of Orange.
Bouncer equipped his laser pack around his waist (yes, he has 2 different lasers) and fired upward, blasting several of the incoming rocks apart before they could reach him. Two more slammed down on either side, cratering the street, but he hopped between the impacts and launched a drill through the next cluster. The drill tore through multiple shapes of stone and fire, and was carving a path straight toward Pong.
It threw up a Barrier Ball just in time. The drill crashed into the glowing wall and tenssed against it, sparks and all. The barrier held for a moment, then cracked. Then shattered.
Before the drill could reach Pong, something burst out of the ground!
A monkey.
Nobody had time to question it.
The monkey punched the drill away with both fists, landed in front of Pong, and screamed like it had been personally offended, pounding its chest. More laser shots came in, and the monkey slapped them aside one by one before launching itself straight at Bouncer.
He tried to retreat, only to glance down and see spiders crawling over his body, pinning him in place. The massive Ape came down like a meteor and squashed him flat against the street, then bounced off into the distance, still screaming.
Then he popped back into shape with a sharp little bounce, just in time to narrowly shy away from a ball that had transformed into a full-sized bulldozer.
By then, Pong had already closed the distance. It wound itself back and swung for another Hard Smack. Bouncer dodged, and Pong's strike cratered the ground where he had been standing. It flipped backwards off the impact, rebounded off a chunk of debris, and came down with another Hard Smack. This time, the blow sparked black and red. So of course Pong delivered one more for good measure.
But it was a feint, as Bouncer instinctively moved to the right. Only for another hard smack to crack into its center.
He was hit backwards, stunned, only for him to bounce the impact back with the center of his rubbery body. The hit sent Pong bouncing away across the street. Bouncer lunged after him to continue the offence, only for his feet to slip out from under him. The entire ground had been coated in thick black oil.
Pong swung itself up and struck another ball into his opponent. The ball hit clean, then collapsed inward like a miniature vortex, sucking Bouncer into itself.
When Bouncer opened his beady eyes, he was somewhere else entirely.
A black screen. A paddle. Rows of blocks above him. One ball waiting to launch.
Breakout.
The whole thing. The whole actual game.
For a moment, Bouncer simply stared.
Then his eyes narrowed harder than ever. He took out a headband and placed it on himself, before grabbing a massive bomb.
Outside the pocket dimension, Pong calmly hovered over the ruined battlefield, glancing over its glorious victory. For a second, everything was quiet.
Then the ball behind him began to bulge.
It pulsed once. Twice. Then it started beating against itself from the inside, swelling violently as fissures of light tore across its surface.
The ball exploded.
Bouncer burst out of the blast, looking like he had raided Rambo's wardrobe. A rapid-fire machine gun was strapped to him, and its barrels were already spinning. Before it could move, Bouncer opened fire, showering the battlefield in bullets. This time, Pong couldn't dodge. The shots pierced into it in rapid succession, forcing it backwards until it hunched over.
Suddenly, the entire environment dimmed as Bouncer slowed time.
He glanced back. The Monkey was attempting to jump on him again.
Swapping to his spread shot, he fired. And he didn't even stop to see if he hit.
He bounced forward as the monkey fell, ready to press the advantage.
Still hunched over, Pong twitched. A ball slipped out from beneath him and dropped to the ground. The instant it touched the street, ice spread in every direction, freezing the ruined pavement solid. Bouncer landed on it and immediately lost his balance, skidding to the right as his eyes went wide.
Then the city began to tilt.
At the far edge of the arena, a very hungry polar bear slammed its full weight into the landscape, tipping the entire battlefield downward like a pinball table from hell. Bouncer flailed helplessly, sliding across the ice with nothing to grab onto. Which was unfortunate, considering he didn't have arms in the first place.
He looked up.
Pong was somehow hanging from a pole that absolutely had not been there a second ago.
Bouncer's eyes narrowed. Instead of questioning it, he equipped his missile launcher and fired.
The missile struck dead-on, blasting Pong off the pole and sending both paddles sliding down the tilted city. The bear slammed into the edge again. This time, it hit a little too hard.
The entire floating city flipped dozens of times. And both of our heroes were practically spat out, both falling into the skyless void below. Bouncer kicked and twisted midair, still gripping his missile launcher as he swam through the air toward Pong, closing the distance inch by inch.
Too close.
Pong snapped upright and wound back, as another Hard Smack landed with sparky goodness.
The impact sent Bouncer hurtling downward like a damn meteor, before everything went dark.
When Bouncer opened his eyes, the chaos was gone.
He was in a grand stadium.
The world was no longer made of flat sprites and sharp arcade edges. Everything had depth now. The arena stretched wide around him, bright, polished, and impossibly huge. Paddles filled the stands, Pong paddles and Breakout paddles alike, jumping and cheering in every colour imaginable. The camera swept across the crowd, passing over dozens of bouncing rectangles before stopping briefly on an actual man in a thief outfit, who winked directly at the camera.
Then our perspective snapped back to Bouncer.
He looked forward.
A Leech Ball slammed into his face.
It stuck there for a second, draining his strength, before sliding off to the side with a wet plop. Across the stadium, Pong stood on the opposite side of the field. Now a 3d black cuboid of doom. Its injuries slowly closed up.
Pong: Are you ready?
Bouncer hesitated.
Then he bounced off the ground, flipped through the air, and landed in position. His eyes sharpened.
Bouncer: Born ready.
The stadium lights blazed, and a glowing, holographic scoreboard flickered to life above time.
FIGHT!
Pong grabbed the ball, leaned back, and served horizontally.
Bouncer returned it effortlessly. For a moment, the madness faded away. From above, it almost looked like a normal game of Pong. Two paddles. One ball. Clean angles. Simple returns. The crowd watched in tense silence as the ball snapped between them, faster and faster, each bounce echoing through the grand stadium.
Then a gem floated into Pong's body.
He twisted backward, his whole rubbery frame winding up like a slingshot, and delivered a Hard Smack. The ball ignited, storming toward Bouncer with a trail of fire.
So, time slowed to a crawl around him, and the roar of the crowd stretched into a low buzz as he flipped toward the shot. Oh so casual, oh so-
The ball vanished.
It reappeared at his side and zipped past him before he could turn. The scoreboard flashed above them.
1 - 0.
Pong delivered a gesture that looked like laughing, then calmly prepared to serve again.
The next rally began with a sharp snap. Bouncer and Pong knocked the ball back and forth. Midway through the exchange, a block materialised on the field. Bouncer adjusted instantly, angling his next return against the wall. Just enough to strike the block without losing the rally. The block shattered, and a power-up began to drift down from the debris.
Missile Launcher.
The launcher snapped onto his body and opened fire. Missiles shot across the arena in a swarm, exploding against the field and ripping craters through the polished stadium floor. Pong tried to evade, but four missiles struck in rapid succession, hammering into him. Stunned, he failed to react as the ball whizzed past him and slammed into the goal line.
1 - 1.
Pong shook the soot off his body. And across the field, Bouncer bounced the ball once against the ground, then served.
This rally was shorter. Pong recovered quickly, but Bouncer pushed forward with a simple power shot, nothing flashy, nothing strange, just a clean return packed with a little more force than usual. Pong shifted to intercept, only for the ball to skim past his edge and strike the back line again.
1 - 2.
Bouncer readied himself for the next serve, and struck!
Only for Pong to catch the ball directly against its torso and hold it there.
Bouncer blinked. And he looked around, wondering why that was allowed.
Pong answered by launching a Fire Ball straight at him.
Bouncer barely managed to meet it, but the impact left a smoking imprint across his torso. The ball veered to Pong's left, far outside his normal reach. Pong didn't move. He didn't even look worried. The ball suddenly magnetized back into his path, snapping toward him as an invisible, magnetic chain had dragged it. With a flip, it returned and struck it clean.
The ball disappeared.
The stadium darkened again. Bouncer activated Show Ball Trajectory, and thin glowing lines sketched the ball's path across the field. He combined it with Time Warp, slowing the rally just enough to form a faint outline around the shot. He caught the angle and returned it.
But the second he touched it, his beady eyes twisted into spirals.
Confusion Ball.
Pong returned the ball with a casual tap. It sped forward, then suddenly sprouted jagged spikes in midair. Bouncer tried to adjust, but the spiked ball slammed into his face and pinned itself there, launching him backwards across the field.
2 - 2.
Pong bowed to the roaring crowd as if the whole thing had been an elegant performance. Bouncer dragged the spiked ball off his face and tossed it aside. Against all odds, the rectangle was bleeding. He coughed once, small and rough, then forced himself upright.
It almost seemed to stagger back to its spot. Then he saw her.
In the crowd, surrounded by bouncing paddles of every colour, sat another rectangle. Pink, bright-eyed, with a bow on her head.
She leaned forward.
Daisy: Keep going, Bouncer!
Bouncer closed his eyes. For one brief second, all the noise faded. Then he opened them again, sharper than ever.
The final rally began.
Smack. Smack. Smack. Smack.
The ball snapped between them in perfect rhythmic smacks, crossing the field again and again as the crowd's cheering slowly disappeared beneath the sound of impacts.
Pong struck high. Bouncer returned low. Pong angled left. Bouncer corrected right. Pong attempted a Curve shot, but Bouncer simply caught it. Every return was cleaner, faster, tighter.
On the 15th shot, the ball floated strangely.
Bouncer returned it anyway, as he always did, but the moment his body touched it, he shrank.
The crowd gasped.
Bouncer was now barely half his usual size.
Pong pressed the advantage immediately, firing shot after shot. The text boxes appeared behind him as he struggled.
Bouncer: Every return requires the impossible.
Smack!
Bouncer: The pressure is relentless.
Smack!
Smack!
Bouncer: I- I can't.
Smack!
Every hit looked like the last one he could possibly make. Every save came a fraction too late, yet somehow still landed.
Bouncer: I can't give in!
But one more gem flashed into Pong.
One more wind-up with that same, glitchy laugh.
Pong: Roll over and die.
One more Hard Smack.
This time, the ball moved with unmistakable purpose. It wasn't dodging. It wasn't curving. It wasn't playing tricks. It was a Lock-On Ball, burning straight toward Bouncer with every ounce of oh-so-retro power behind it.
Bouncer planted himself and met it head-on.
The impact drove him backwards. His rubbery body bent inward under the sheer force. Blackish Red sparks tore off the ball as he strained against it. The entire field shook beneath him. For a moment, it looked like he might actually stop it.
Then the ball broke through.
It shot past him.
Pong hopped back. He had done it.
Then he heard something hurtling behind him.
Pong turned.
The ball was coming back.
He lunged upward and grabbed it at the very edge of the field, stopping it just before it crossed his own line.
Across the stadium, Bouncer stood low and heavy, bruised but unbroken. Behind him, a green forcefield had risen up, covering the entire back of his side of the arena.
Bouncer's eyes gleamed.
Bouncer: Try your luck.
Pong didn't answer.
It simply threw the ball upward.
The stadium went silent.
And the ball dropped. Pong wound back, twisting so tightly that the ground beneath it began to fracture.
HARD SMACK!
The ball ignited instantly, wailing across the stadium in a burning line.
But he didn't move.
The shot blasted past him and slammed into the forcefield behind him.
And rebounded.
It caught it again.
Again.
HARD SMACK!
The second strike came even faster. The impact rattled the stadium lights.
But the ball came back.
Pong caught it again.
Again.
HARD SMACK!
Again.
HARD SMACK!
Again.
HARD SMACK!
Each shot hit harder than the last. Each rebound came faster, meaner, angrier, until the ball was no longer crossing the field so much as tearing it in half. Pong's body sparked from the repeated impacts. Its edges split. Its rubber frame stretched and snapped back with visible strain.
Bouncer wasn't moving anymore. He was… focusing.
He thought back to his training.
Coach Steel: Angling is an art, Bouncer.
He was locked in place, trusting the one thing standing between him and his loss.
The forcefield fractured again.
Coach Steel: But Power…
Then again.
Then again.
Chunks of green energy began breaking off.
Pong caught the ball one final time. Its body heaved from exhaustion.
The crowd stared as Pong slowly pulled back farther than it ever had before. Its entire frame darkened, and the black cuboid became a silhouette against the burning ball in front of it.
It swung.
HARD SMACK!
Coach Steel: Power is absolute.
The ball crossed the field like a falling star.
This time, he didn't need the forcefield. He planted himself and met the shot head-on.
A Power Shot.
The impact folded his body inward. His rubbery frame bent around the ball, his eyes trembling from the force. The ground behind him tore apart. The scoreboard glitched. The stadium lights burst one by one.
Pong lurched forward and caught it against its torso.
The entire stadium shook.
Pong's body bent around the shot, straining to stop it. Its "feet" carved trenches into the floor as the ball pushed it backward. It tried to absorb the force. Tried to hold it. Tried to turn the rally one last time.
Coach Steel: And absolute power, power beyond power, is the only way that you, young Bouncer-
But the shot kept pushing.
But meanwhile, a power-up dropped beside Bouncer.
Railgun.
Coach Steel: Can Break Out.
His eyes gleamed.
Without hesitation, he slid the massive weapon onto his body. The barrel unfolded, locking into place with a heavy metallic click. Energy gathered at the tip, brighter than every light in the stadium.
CRACK!
The railgun blast flew across the arena and into the back of the ball. The shot didn't explode. Rather, it pushed.
And just for a split second, it held.
Until the shot carried through in a straight, perfect line, splitting Pong cleanly apart.
The two halves slid away from each other in silence. Then, piece by piece, its body dissolved into tiny cubes of light, scattering across the arena before disappearing into nothing.
Far below, one could see Bouncer hop away. And as the roar of the crowd swelled around the arena, the camera slowly pulled upward, as the stadium faded beneath the noise.
The scoreboard remained.
3 - 2.
KO!
Boomstick: Ha! Beat that, Tennis!
Wiz: Despite how simple these characters may seem, there were a lot of factors going into this battle. So much so that we'll divide the MU into 3 categories.
Boomstick: Started with physical stats! Pong shocked everyone with the sheer speed of its Mach 3 hard smack. But Bouncer here had him totally beat!
Wiz: Over 10 times faster. And that gap increases further when you take Breakout Beyond's built-in time dilation.
Boomstick: And their power wasn't any different. Pong honestly didn't have much to go off. Being able to ignite a metal ball seems cool, until you put that up against the dude who pelted a Dragon to death.
Wiz: Combine that with the Breakout's natural ability to just… break blocks, AND the rail gun's ability to clear an entire row of them, Breakout confidently takes physicals.
Boomstick: But their abilities were far closer! Now, this isn't to say that the Block Breaker was outmatched, but the sheer amount of stuff that Pong Quest had to offer made this far closer than it had to be.
Wiz: From freezing the Breakout Paddle in place, to forcing it into its own game of Breakout. Pong certainly had the versatility advantage. That said, Breakout had counters for most of that.
Boomstick: Shrink em? It can just lengthen right up again. Asteroids? Just more blocks to break! And Barriers? Say hello to my little railgun!
Wiz: And unlike Pong, whose abilities are all one-time uses, the Breakout paddle is capable of getting each and every power back in a matter of rallies.
Boomstick: But giving the win to Breakout would seem pretty cheap thanks to the sheer numbers. This category is a tie!
Wiz: But fight aside, there was a far more… pressing question. Who would win in a rally?
Boomstick: That's right! Which one of these two is better at Ball Management! Our final category.
Wiz: Now at first glance, not to sound like a broken record, but Pong seemingly WOULD have this. I mean, its abilities are tailored to rally opponents in Pong Quest, far more than the guns, missiles and bombs are on Breakout's side.
Boomstick: Cause as much trouble as possible. Too many options to manage. Too many things on the screen! Not enough time to adapt. That would be Pong's game plan. But this was the exact wrong opponent to try that on.
Wiz: There are so many layers of stuff that Pong would have to get through. The built-in time stop. The speed advantage. The ability to see the ball's trajectory. Constantly being stunned by things that don't even involve the ball is just a casual game in Breakout, and near hell for Pong.
Boomstick: And then there's that handy dandy forcefield! Even if Breakout missed a few balls, it could just rebound them for it.
Wiz: There is the argument to be made for Pong regardless. Again, we can't discount 60+ powerups. But a battle in tenacity against the Breakout paddle was frankly a losing one.
Boomstick: The Breakout Paddle has spent decades dealing with clutter and trash everywhere. Exploding batteries. Rockets. Lasers. Hazards in general. Dealing with random bullshit is Breakout's entire gimmick.
Wiz: Breakout's philosophy hinges on making you, the player, as miserable as possible. While Pong is no slouch in itself, Breakout's entire thing is based on ball management.
Boomstick: Wiz, we really should've made a drinking game for the word "Balls."
Wiz: While Pong's power-ups, healing, and bizarre terrain manipulation gave it plenty of ways to stall and disrupt, Breakout was simply better equipped to handle the kind of chaos Pong relied on. Its greater reaction speed, stronger offensive arsenal, layers of specific counters and sheer grit meant that more times than not, it would come out on top.
Boomstick: Beaten by its evolution. If only this paddle could Breakout from its pongy fate.
Wiz: The winner is Breakout.