Hidan
Hidan stayed up later than usual that night because he had never used the alarm function on his phone before, and needed to figure out how it worked. Once he did, he took all the blankets off the bed and piled them on top of himself so he wouldn't toss and turn, because he was also rather restless.
He couldn't stop thinking. What did he say to me that made me so grateful? How can I thank him for it without going overboard? Fuck, what do I even say? Do I say anything? I should, 'cause he can't read my feelings to know what I mean if I only hug him. But explaining it would make it all analytical and shit and ruin the moment…
The next morning, Hidan yawned immediately after waking. For the first time in his entire life, he understood why other people were not energetic in the mornings. Last fucking time I'm setting an alarm. Least I hope I won't have to again. Hidan considered narrowing his definition of "had to." Was it strictly necessary to get to Nagato before he left in the morning?
Yep. Totally is. I have to thank him as soon as I can, and it'd make the rest of his day better if I did. This definitely counts as having to.
That done, he put on his cloak, grabbed his scythe, and set out for Nagato's room.
He saw Yahiko in the hallway as he neared Nagato's door. Yahiko brightened and approached. "Hey, um -"
Hidan held up a hand. "I have some really really super important shit to say to Moonlight, okay?" Fuck, I'm sorry, Sunshine. "You can be there for it if you want. It's just really important and I can't wait."
Yahiko stepped back and tapped his fingers against each other. "Oh. Yeah, sure. It's not that important." Hidan gave him a friendly nudge on the arm to show he cared, and went inside. Yahiko followed, closing the door behind him and waiting just inside.
Nagato was pulling on shoes. Hidan felt a spike of dread after he looked up and saw them there. "Hey guys. Did something happen?" Nagato glanced quickly between the two of them.
"What?" Hidan asked. "No. I mean, not last night." Fuck, he's worried. Shit. I don't want him to be worried.
The redhead stood up. "Okay. Well, I hope it's not -"
Hidan hugged him tightly, squeezing the breath from him before he could get another word out. Nagato struggled briefly, then hugged him back. Hidan softened his grip so Nagato could breathe, but still held him close. He rocked them both back and forth as if dancing in his happiness.
Nagato caught himself before he could relax into the embrace too much. Yahiko was right there after all. He raised his hands to Hidan's shoulders and gently pushed. "Hidan? Are you okay?"
Hidan released him and looked him directly in the eyes, grinning. "Moonlight, I… Yes! Fuck you!" He reached out and squeezed Nagato's shoulders, suppressing the urge to hug him again. "Fuckit, you're nice!"
Nagato reflexively smiled back, though he had little idea what was happening. "I am?"
"Yeah." Hidan sniffed and summoned tears of joy to his eyes. "I remember. I remember!"
Nagato looked puzzled. Hidan laughed into his arm as he wiped his face. "Kakuzu told me. I was talking all about how I was really grateful to you and I knew you were my best friend and you're so cool, and that's when he told me.
He said you'd talked to me, and I didn't remember it. But after you talked to me, I was so happy about you when I wasn't before. That means I remember!" Hidan grinned as the small amount of water he had summoned dripped down his nose. "I thought I didn't remember anything I forget, but I do, somehow. I don't know what words you said, but I know what you said. That's way more than enough. Thank you. So much."
Nagato's eyes widened, and he tried to say something. His jaw flapped up and down uselessly before he managed. "You mean, the night before…? You remember it?"
Hidan hugged him again. "I remember that you're awesome and the best, and thank you." He tightened his grip just a little and tried not to sob. He was being flooded, a surge of gratitude and happiness and relief coming from nowhere. He gave up trying to resist and sobbed openly, allowing himself to be carried by it. I don't know where it's coming from, but it's coming from somewhere where I remember. That's all I wanted. To remember.
Nagato hugged him back, laughing in shock. When they finally separated, he said, "It was like holding a coma patient. It was like you didn't hear me. I thought… But you really did hear me. Everything I said, it matters." He gasped, and started to laugh silently. It mattered! He could speak to a brick wall, to that swirling chaotic blue, and it would reach Hidan intact and meaningful. "I thought I was only saying those things for my own benefit, just to know I could."
Hidan's nose was running. He sniffed it back. "Saying what things? I want to hear them."
Nagato wanted to tell him everything. He wanted to talk about the blue, and the stillness, and everything he had felt up there on that hill. But no - he knew Hidan wouldn't appreciate that much. There had to be a reason why he sleepwalked instead of consciously receiving it. "Well… I made you a promise.
I promised that I would help you and always want you to be happy because you're my friend, and that wasn't going to change. I wouldn't abandon you. I don't know if you know anything about it, but it's really obvious when you're in a different mindspace. I could see it, and it terrified me. I was scared for you, because I knew that your memories were being swallowed, and I was almost afraid to touch you because you looked so still and eerie.
"But I did touch you," he said quickly. "I didn't want to be scared away by that. How would I live with myself? I hugged you, and told Sleepwalking You that he had better take care of you and make sure you were safe and happy." Nagato shuddered at the memory. "I hoped you could hear me, but even if you didn't, I wanted to make it clear that I wasn't a coward. That I don't mean to abandon you. I wanted to know I could say that and mean it, because I saw Sleepwalking You before and I didn't do anything then and I had to make sure that was just a one-time thing."
Hidan blinked at him. "You were scared of me?"
Nagato nodded. "Yes. Terrified."
Hidan sniffled. "But you don't mind?"
Nagato smiled and punched him on the arm. "No."
Hidan's eyes glistened. "You're nice."
Nagato's smile faded. "I hope not. If I could only do that because I was special, where would you be? No; I'd rather think any decent person would say that to you."
Hidan felt awed. He cares. He cares so much about me. He's scared, like Kakuzu was, but he'd never yell at me for it. He knows I'm not bad. Who would ever say the same things, and so easily? He wouldn't burst Nagato's bubble, if that was what the redhead wanted to believe, but Nagato was a specially nice and brave soul.
"Aw…" he heard Yahiko say from the door. Yahiko walked forward and stood behind Hidan, placing a hand on his shoulder. "I didn't see exactly what Nagato saw, but I want you to be happy too. Sleepwalking You was kind of creepy, but he helped. I'll count him as a friend. It doesn't matter what kind of state you're in; you were helpful then, just like now. I think you're like that all the way down."
"R-really?" I'm not a bunny-murdering psycho?
Nagato nodded, and Yahiko squeezed his shoulder once before saying, "Yeah!" He said it as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.
Hidan's eyes welled up again. "But I get the taste of blood in my mouth sometimes, and I ate something while I was out."
Nagato shrugged. "According to Konan, you need to drink some small amount of blood, and you can't do it when you feel their pain. Sleepwalking must be like a shield for you, protecting you from the outside world for as long as you need."
Hidan's mouth fell open. There could be a purpose to his fugues? A reason? And, more importantly, a reason he could actually know about? Hidan checked himself for lightheadedness, discomfort, or any other sign that he might lose this memory. Nope. All good. Finally, something incredible that he wouldn't lose.
"Is it Christmas?" he asked. "Or my birthday?"
Nagato laughed, and Yahiko too. "No, it's not Christmas, and I don't know when your birthday is. I should find out," Nagato said.
"I don't have a fucking clue, so I picked it for my favorite time of the year. I picked August 15th. It's hot, and warm, the nights are decent length, and everything's already dried and crackly. Reminds me of burning. I dunno why."
"It's not your birthday either, then," Nagato said with a smile.
Hidan felt like melting into the floor. "Fuck you guys, you… Shit." He elbowed Yahiko. "Stop infecting me with lack-of-wordsitis."
They laughed together again, and Hidan couldn't help but feel warm all over. When he was done laughing, he started purring. This is nice. I get to be friends with me. And they get to be friends with me, too. And everything's totally fucking fantastic and perfect. Hidan turned to his side and ducked out of Yahiko's grasp. He slung his own arm over Yahiko's shoulders and dragged him a few steps closer to do the same to Nagato. Hidan hugged them both. "You're both nice."
They accepted this with smiles, and the room filled with happiness. Hidan felt as if he lay in sunlight.
Too soon and just at the right time, somehow, they heard someone else outside. It was a distant sound, but close enough. Hidan withdrew his arms. "See, I told ya I couldn't wait. Now we get to have this all day."
"Yeah!" Yahiko grinned.
Nagato nodded. "Thanks for the pick me up. I was worried. It just seems that, especially after last night, there's a never ending flood of news and things happening and I don't know where it's coming from and I can't stop it. My first thought was, 'What else has happened?'"
Hidan nodded. "I hear ya about the flooding. But it's okay - you can always swim."
'I doubted my ability to," Nagato murmured. "But now I feel that I can. Thank you."
Yahiko looked from one to the other. "This was a great idea." He then looked at Hidan mischievously and shuffled, one hand fluttering up to his hair before he forced it back down. "Speaking of great ideas… Kakuzu thinks we're kids, apparently. You want to do something about that?"
Huh? Why am I kind of nervous all of a sudden? This is weird. What's he really asking? "Fuck yeah."
"Okay!" Is that guilt? Hidan realized Yahiko was trying to pull him out of the room. The room that Nagato was still in. He can't talk about it in front of Redhead? They're best buddies! It must be something really unusual.
Alright, Me, back to work. We got some important shit to handle.
Yahiko
Once safely ensconced inside Yahiko's room, Yahiko admitted, "Okay, um. I really wanted to talk about something else first."
"No fuckin' duh."
What? Again? I didn't even notice. Yahiko turned to Hidan in surprise. "You're female now?"
Hidan took the scythe from his back and propped it against the wall, before sitting directly against the wall so it still touched his back. "Yeah. I want to grow my hair out."
How do you do that so casually? Doesn't it feel strange? Don't you ever think about other people? Yahiko opened his mouth to ask, but hesitated. Why would he? Nobody says anything. But he is Hidan…
He was confused now. There was no way he could ask a set of questions even he was confused about. Yahiko shut his mouth and sat on the bed facing Hidan. What do I say now? What do I ask? I have so many questions, I can't ask them all. Yahiko glanced up to see if Hidan was waiting for him to speak. Hidan stared up at the ceiling, measuring his hair with his fingers and frowning slightly.
Yahiko found something to ask. Relieved, he asked Hidan, "Why do you still want people to use male pronouns all the time?"
Hidan took his hands away from his hair and replied, "I don't. I just want them to use the same ones they used before."
"What's the difference?"
"The difference is that I don't care what pronouns they used before," Hidan explained. "If they'd been neutral, that'd be cool too. I just don't want to have to put in all the work of learning to respond to new things, and there's no reason why anyone else should have to work all the time either."
Don't care? Don't want to have to work? Yahiko's brow furrowed. "You decided that for practical reasons?" No, there had to be more. Hidan must be downplaying something.
Hidan shrugged. "Yep." He said it easily. It didn't sound as if he was hiding anything, although Yahiko was inexperienced in thinking others were lying so what did he know.
Yahiko blushed faintly and looked away. "It's...personal. It's not practical. That doesn't...sound right."
"Not personal to me." Hidan folded his hands beneath his head and leaned back against the wall. "Just because I got new powers I didn't have before doesn't make me different."
"It's not your having new powers." What am I saying? Yahiko bit his lip. "It's what they are."
Hidan put on his annoyed face for the first time in Yahiko's experience. "Stop beating around the bush, Sunshine."
"Does it not matter to you what form you have?" Yahiko blurted.
"Nah," Hidan replied. Then he paused. "Well, kinda. I've found out some really cool things." He unfolded his arms and sat up, pushing up his sleeve. "See this?" He changed back to male, then back to female. "My forearms are a little thicker when I'm a guy. So it does matter when I need to reach for things. It's better to be female when something fell down, but I'm a little taller when male, so that's better if something's up. And I wouldn't like my hair long in my male body, I don't think. Long hair, fancy things, decorations, all of that shit just wouldn't look as good. This new one is way better for decorating!" He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair again. "Or it will be."
That much, Yahiko could understand. "You'd like to look different in your female form?"
"Correction: it is way more possible to look different in my female form," Hidan replied. "How I look in my male body already is gorgeous. That's the pinnacle of gorgeousness, right there. If I wanna look different without it being worse, it's really good to have a whole separate body."
Oh. He's not like me. He wouldn't want his real body to be any different. "Why…?"
Hidan looked confused. "Why what?"
Yahiko finally stumbled on one of the correct questions to ask. "Why have a female body, if you don't really need one? If you're happy with what you have?"
"What the fuck?" Hidan tilted his head to the side. "There is no needing when you're talking about bodies." He realized the folly of those words just after they left his mouth and shook his head. "Wait, no, scratch that. Trans people would need it. Should keep them in mind. But aside from them, who else cares that much? It's want, not need. I'd like to play dressup and look pretty. Take some pictures." Hidan looked off into the distance as if imagining what the pictures would look like.
Yahiko shook his head in confusion. "But…" What do I want to ask? Where are the words? "You said you use your female body to escape, so you don't have to do anything to your real one. Isn't that a need?"
Hidan came back to the here and now. With more seriousness than Yahiko had ever seen, he looked directly at Yahiko. "I didn't say shit about escaping."
Yahiko's heartbeat shot up several notches from being looked at like that. And what was Hidan implying? He looked even further away than he had before. He tried to ask something else, anything else, to make those words stop lingering in the air where he could still hear them, but he couldn't. Yahiko couldn't say a thing. It was as if his entire vocabulary was cordoned off from the part of his mind that needed it. He couldn't think of any meaningful sound or combination of sounds. Everything was beyond reach, and still those words echoed and still he felt Hidan looking at him that way.
Hidan was not still looking at him that way. He, too, was struggling for coherency. He wasn't having any better luck finding it.
They struggled together, until Hidan exclaimed in anger. Yahiko looked up at this, and saw that Hidan was not still staring at him. He relaxed, and speech flowed once more. "Um -"
Hidan hissed. "Fucking finally!" His anger reminded him of something else. "This power sucks in some ways, though. Seriously. You want to hear about the shit I have to put up with?"
Yahiko was glad to put the conversation on pause for a while. "Sure."
"It's cool to have more powers, right? That's what you'd think?" Hidan shook his head. "Not so. Least not these fucking ones. The one thing the succubus power isn't good for is getting along with my other powers, like that thing where I feel other people's feelings. Turns out, if I catch feelings in body parts only half the population has, I'll turn into whatever form has those parts to match."
Yahiko had not known this, and was starting to wonder where this rant was going. How personal is he going to get…? "So there I was after fighting Deidara, looking forward to a nice night at the bar," Hidan continued. "I was kinda busy before, so it was the first time since the succubus. And I was so looking forward to going as a girl this time, and catching the eye of a straight guy, see what it was like from the other side. I had like all these fantasies about how awesome that would be, and everything!
"But then I walk in, and I tease a guy just to get my charm up and running, and what the fuck do I find? I start switching without even meaning to! So then I try it with a girl, and the same fucking thing happens!" Hidan had been gesticulating violently, and now he threw his arms down. "Con-fucking-gratulations. I am banned from straight sex. Can you believe that shit? Fuck!"
Yahiko felt sincerely bad for him. "Oh, no. That's horrible." He physically can't be with Konan, ever? Ouch!
"Yeah, it is!" Hidan growled. "And no, I do not have any interest in being a girl, with a girl. Fuck that shit. It's boring. Nothing but boyfriends from here on out."
Yahiko scooched forward on the bed to pat him on the back. Hidan relaxed. "Thanks, Sunshine."
Yahiko smiled ruefully. "Yeah. I'm sorry."
Hidan drew his knees up and crossed his arms over them. He smirked. "Though, that only affects me on bar nights, really. For something serious and knowing-their-name worthy, my dating pool's pretty much all guys, anyway. Konan's the only female person around, or at least I think so."
Yahiko remembered that he technically had a female form now, and instantly felt incredibly uncomfortable. He can feel my feelings, so he must know. He has to. I can't hide anything from him as long as he's anywhere in the building. Yahiko swallowed. His throat was suddenly dry. "Please. Don't say anything."
Hidan stopped twirling a lock of hair around one finger. "Huh? Shit, I'm not allowed to ask you for help?"
Yahiko blinked. "Help?" What? Where did that come from?
"Yeah, help." Hidan looked at the ceiling as he thought. "I don't think I'd ever go with female pronouns, just because I'm not feminine. I don't know shit about decorating, like makeup, or clothes, or anything. Even if I did, I can't do my hair and shit by myself. Would you help me with that?"
Yahiko blushed. Oh gods, he considers me an authority on makeup. He definitely knows. But at the same time… I really am the only one who would know about makeup, right? He already works with Konan so much; he can't take up all of her time. And he really can't do things by himself.
"O-kay," Yahiko said slowly. "If you really need help…"
"Fuck yes!" Hidan's eyes lit up. "You're the best, Sunshine."
"Maybe if we just stay here, though," Yahiko gently begged. "And don't talk about it. I really wouldn't like distraction…"
"Yeah, definitely no distraction for something this delicate," Hidan agreed. "Feeling it done is most of the experience. There can't be distraction."
"O-kay." Whew! I wonder if he would mind hanging out while I was female? Maybe I could teach him things and have him practice on me, or at least that's how I'd put it…
Yahiko had gotten exactly zero answers. But he had gotten assurance that they would meet in private again, which was just as good. He smiled at Hidan and thanked him.
"Oh please," Hidan snorted. He held up a hand for a fist bump. Yahiko met it. "I don't know what the fuck you actually wanted to ask," Hidan said as he stood up, "but maybe you'll think of a better way to phrase shit by next time."
Yahiko swallowed. Had he been that obvious? "Yeah. Maybe."
Hidan's face went blank, and he tilted his head. "Hm. I just thought of something," he muttered.
"What?"
"You don't know it yet, do you?"
"Know what?"
"What's going on. What you want to ask." Hidan looked at him seriously again. "You can't ask me because you haven't asked yourself yet."
Yahiko shuffled. He's not wrong. I don't really know what I want to know, do I? Why do I have questions? Why was I thinking of asking about other people's reactions earlier, when they don't have any? What's even happening?
"You guys really are two peas in a pod," Hidan said with amusement. "Though Redhead figured out what was wrong on his own. I think he's making his own effort to learn. I didn't suggest much."
Yahiko's jaw dropped. He had never heard this before. "Nagato has the same problem?" Never even suspected.
Hidan scratched his head. "Nah. It's more of a problem with a problem. Like, you have one problem, and then before you can solve it you have this other problem getting in your way. He has the same problem with his problem. I don't know what your original problem is, but I'd bet a leg that they're not the same."
Yahiko looked down. "Yeah, but I didn't know he questioned himself. He can make sense of everything. Why would he need to?"
"Says the guy who knows what feels right and what feels wrong, but doesn't know left from up right now," Hidan argued.
"...Fair."
"I really should have a business card," Hidan muttered.
"What?"
"How does this sound? 'Hidan: Professional Mirror.'"
"Mirror?" Yahiko thought about mirrors. "Oh. You reflect people back at themselves."
"Yeah, I should have that as a little line underneath the main one if I get a business card," Hidan said.
"Why would you need a business card?"
"Eh, just in case."
Yahiko laughed. "In case of what?"
"In case I need to have a business card."
Yahiko laughed again, louder. "You want to know something?"
Hidan chuckled. "What?"
"I think you're nice too," Yahiko told him.
Hidan blinked at him. "Really?" A small smile formed on his face. "You mean that, Sunshine?"
Yahiko nodded. "It's not a reflection, either. You're really nice when you're apart from us too."
Hidan brushed his hair behind his ears. "Seriously, how the fuck are you single?"
"It's all Other Me's fault," Yahiko said with no trace of distaste. "You know how they are."
Hidan looked back at his scythe. "Yeah. Dumbass originals. Why didn't they read the future and see that we'd have to deal with all their crap someday?"
"I don't think Konan mentioned that in the Rinnegan's powers," Yahiko recalled.
"So you don't think any of them had a line to the future?"
"Probably not. I don't blame Other Me for anything."
"Me neither," Hidan admitted. "I'm just poking fun at him at this point. But I don't know, someone might have."
Yahiko shrugged. "Well…"
Then Yahiko's phone beeped, shattering the jovial mood. He paled. "Oh no," he said while turning to rummage in his drawers. "Uh, I need to go. Oh man oh man oh man..."
Hidan sighed. Yeah, he hoped he did not have to set any more alarms in the future. But the one he had set this morning had perfect timing.