It's said that death comes quite suddenly and that one could never really prepare for it. No matter how much time you spend worrying about it, it's uncertain when exactly the final hours of our lives will come.
For me, I never expected that death would come for me in such a way. I was just lying in my seat on my daily bus ride home, in my mind, all I had were thoughts on how I was going to spend the rest of my dull and boring Friday night when it happened.
Just as the bus was about to enter my neighbourhood after passing a traffic light, a truck suddenly came speeding by. I don't know how the idiot driving it didn't realise he was moving too fast, and that his truck won't be able to stop in time or maybe he was suddenly unaware that his brakes weren't working.
Whatever the reason was, it ultimately doesn't matter, the outcome can't be changed but hey, at least I deserve a chance to be resentful about something one last time right...
'Haah what a cliche way to die James' I can't help but think as to how unlucky I am for such a thing to befall me.
I was the only passenger left, and of all the places it could've crashed into, why did it have to be on my side huh??? Couldn't they have at least swerved the truck and hit the back of the bus or something??
Something else that I really feel resentful about is that even after such a serious crash that sent my body and maybe some parts of the bus flying to God knows where, there's still a little sliver of consciousness keeping me awake just enough for me to vividly experience the pain occurring throughout my body right now...or what's left of it in this case.
The only semblance of good news with regards to this situation and what's easing the aching pain I am feeling right now, is that I can slowly... slowly but surely, I can feel myself falling into something.
It's as if I am about take a nice and long nap after a pretty exhausting day, but I know for certain that there's not a shot for me to wake up this time. I can feel my impending doom inching ever so closely as the seconds go by and what's strange is that if somebody else were to be in this position, I'm certain that they would be feeling a great bout of unwillingness but for me, there's no such thing.
I can remember reading somewhere that when you die, you get to experience your life's most brilliant moments flashing by as if you were in some beautiful dream but for me... again, there's no such thing.
All I see are memories of my uneventful boring life passing by in my head and as I continue to slowly bleed out on the side of the road and as that happens, I can't help but ask myself...
"Just what was the point of it all?"
What was the point of my existence in this god-forsaken world?
Isn't it a little crazy that even on my deathbed, I'm still not any closer to actually discovering it?
If I had, maybe I'd have done something with my life...
But alas, there was just nothing special about me apart from my looks.
Ah! My looks...
Some people would often say that was the greatest gift that I was possibly blessed with and yet with the life I've lived, I've spent the greater parts of it believing that they were nothing more than a curse.
Maybe everything might've not have been all that bad if I wasn't stuck with a height of around 5ft 5 that all but pretty much stopped growing around the time I turned 16.
So even now, at the age of 21, I'm no different than a midget in the eyes of all my co-workers and the other dudes in my age group and yet... due to my annoyingly feminine looks, I turn heads whenever I enter a room.
It's not that much of a bad thing to be honest but it would've been much easier for me to accept and appreciate all my feminine features if I never had to lug around a way above average cock between my legs but obviously, my cock wasn't something I could use to give off a great first impression.
What most individuals would take notice of at the first sight of me would be the smooth curly brown hair that fell all the way to my back (an annoyance that always grew back very quickly, not matter how frequently I cut it), soft but stupidly cute facial features, and to top it all off a stupid body that made it absurdly difficult to gain any muscle whatsoever that it all but shredded any hopes and childhood dreams I might have had about looking like a guy that could even slightly resemble the term 'masculine' so I just gave up trying in my teenage years and let my body develop into the way it wanted to.
Something I still regret till this day since it left me with a splendidly slim waist and slight curves that gave way to a small but perky rear.
Down to the fiber of my very being, I loath and despise whichever Higher existence thought it was such a great idea to bless me with such captivating looks and yet still curse me into living in the body of a man since it's led to me having to bear the lustful gazes of my fellow gender and the jealous gazes of quite a few women on a daily basis.
Obviously not all women envied me upon first glance and some of them even treated me quite well actually. Just never well enough to treat me as a man but always as a friend or even worse... a sister.
'Hehe, how depressing'
Despite my avid complaints, those women did end up treating me as a 'sister' in the truest sense of the word. Some of them would come to me and confess all their little problems, it didn't matter whether those problems were financial, personal or even work-related.
I never really minded those since I was naturally introverted and I appreciated it immensely when people came up and spoke to me of their own volition. It made things so much easier for me... The ones that I found to be quite a nuisance though, were the ones who came to me with all their relationship issues and all the little hickups they were experiencing with their lovers or boyfriends.
"Hehehe" Even though it might not be the best thing to do at the moment, I can't help but laugh as I recall a few of those interactions.
How some of them were always crying about how their man was just too good at what they do and how it pissed them off since they didn't want said man to be aware of the fact that just for that reason alone, they would never leave him.
Others would whine about how their partners were just too lovey dovey and would never give them enough space but the worst of all were the ones who came in crying about how much they truly love their man but couldn't and won't stop cheating on him because down there, they just weren't gifted enough...
Usually whenever I heard something like that, I would try to be sly and say that they are free to use mine if they wanted something to play with that will actually satisfy them but unfortunately, they would always laugh in my face, telling me that I'm being silly while patting me gently on the shoulder as if that's going to make me feel any better.
After that occurred a handful amount of times, it was then I realised it just may be impossible for women to see me as a desirable partner and since I was irrationally afraid of the prospect of being with my fellow gender for a few reasons, this eventually led to me hiding my more prominent features so I do not garner attention so I can happily stay off people's radar, which ended up working in out in a way... well somewhat.
All it really did was contribute to the downward spiral and boring life routine that I've lived up until now where I woke up early every morning to go and do a job I truly had no interest in doing. A life where I had nothing remotely interesting going for me. No family, no close friends, no car, hell not even a pet.
Living in a decent, but overall crappy apartment with a rent too high for the standard of living it provides. Having no particularly interesting hobbies, just minor things that could serve as a distraction like watching the occasional popular anime or when I would seldomly go online and read some wish fulfilment novels or browse the internet.
Most of my relatively and lonely nights I spent plunging myself deeper and deeper into the abyss that is called degeneracy, reading all kinds of porn and erotica right before I go to bed, where I would then wake up the next day and repeat the cycle all over again.
Day after day...
Year after year...
There would be times where I would stop and wonder to myself:
'Would my life be much more entertaining if there was some sort of grand dream or aspiration that I was slowly working towards'.
If there was something I could truly sink my teeth into, something that could serve as a constant reminder that the life I am living now is just a necessary sacrifice for the happiness or success that will come after everything is all said and done, something that I could devote myself wholeheartedly towards, something that could make me look back after a long period of time and go:
'Yeah, it really was all worth it'.
"Maybe my life would have had some kind of meaning after all but alas..."
I at least hoped that there would be something I could brag to my parents' about if there's even a sliver of a chance that I join them up in heaven and yet this sorry excuse for a son is nothing but an utter disappointment with all I have to show for my existence is that I lived a peaceful yet boring life but then again, that was all that they had wanted for me anyway...
The only somewhat good thing that has come out of all of this is that right now, in my final moments, as I feel myself gradually succumb to the sensation of death.
I now no longer have to lie to myself and can finally and wholeheartedly say that every time I recall having to endure all those lustful and passionate gazes from other men...deep down I really, really, REALLY enjoyed it.
When I was out in public or more specifically when I was out at night, nights like today where I would head home relatively late after work. Where I would walk through the constantly bustling city streets, on the way to my bus stop where I would walk past a few individuals and I could practically sniff out all those who have unsavoury desires about me as clear as day, where their lust for me is so exceedingly palpable that it caused me to visibly shiver and tremble as their gazes roamed across my body like ravenous wolves eyeing a delicious piece of meat and yet even though I reveled in their desire for me, I would desperately try to hide it, whether that was in fear or anticipation, I think it's pretty clear now.
There were a few occasions where I found some small sliver of bravery and look them in the eye, trying to see if I could at least get them to feel some shame for their actions and yet even though it might have been just a few times, I can never forget the sheer intensity of those who dared to look me in the eye...
In those moments, I could see it and I knew it deep in my heart that if they ever were to get the chance...in those bustling and rowdy streets, some of them would've taken me right then and there without a shadow of a doubt.
And now as I take my last breath...
From the deepest recesses of my soul...
I really wish they did...
I really wish they took me home with them and did to me whatever it is they wanted... Whatever it is that they desired...
Oh God, I really wonder why didn't they??
Maybe that would've been the wake-up call to break out of my shell so I can live and enjoy the blessing of this body I was given... but alas...here I am dying on some side of the road without ever having the chance to experience the soft, lovely touch of a woman's body or even better...
Experiencing the delight of stuffing my face into a man's crotch as they mercilessly use my throat whichever way that they pleased where they would then pat my head and tell me just how much of a good girl I am as they paint my face white with all their juices...maybe the feeling would've been as exhilarating as the many, many times I fantasised about it, staining my sheets as I jerked myself off to gender-bent porn every night, lying and telling myself...
It's just pixels on a screen, this is in no way a representation of my deepest, repressed desires now is it...
And yet, deep down, I could feel it, my body was begging me, urging and wishing for it to the be one in those scenes experiencing all that pleasure...
Isn't it an injustice that I died without ever once tasting such a thing??
At least it's comforting that death cares not for any of my regrets and that they will die with me as well, never to see the light of day.