Quickly sticking the extremelyuncomfortable runic seal onto the back of my hand, I promptly shook off the sudden shivers that crawled up my limb.
I couldn't really afford to speak my thoughts out loud here- Probably need to keep my wits about me.
Important business and all.
It took a few seconds of the aforementioned seal's effect on me before I vowed to burn it as soon as I was finished.
"So!" I clapped, promptly gathering the attention of the two in the otherwise empty room I'd just entered. Watching as Ted Tonks blinked, warily as he turned towards me, while Andromeda simply raised an eyebrow at my cheer as she did the same- They'd been engrossed in some kind of conversation.
I calmly walked up towards the table they'd been chatting around.
"You're late." Andromeda deadpanned towards me. "You told me to 'grab his ass-'" She pointed towards her bemused future husband, "-n' meet you here as soon as I could." She promptly crossed her arms, amusement dancing in her expression as she leaned back into her seat. "-It's been an hour... So unless that letter wasn't from you..?" She gave me a questioning look.
I snorted in response, taking the empty chair opposite the two of them.
"Wouldn't be here if it wasn't, now would I? Unless you're suggesting I seered you coming here." I stated with a straight face.
Ted for some reason hadn't bothered to, nor looked like he intended, to say anything.
"Well? Whatcha' want, ya little brat?" She questioned ignoring my words completely, evidently in as good as a mood as I was. While Ted seemed to turn somewhat discomforted at the tone, for whateverreason. "Getting all famous before me- Making the paper 'n everything," She added on, leaning forward. "And here I was hoping to be the celebrity Black for bad decision making."
I rolled my eyes at her. "It's telling that even you knew it would've been a bad idea." I snorted, briefly turning to look towards the still uncomfortable wizard. "Still, as far as mudbloods go, you certainly have style," I remarked staring him in the eye, waiting for his res-
Andromeda promptly slapped me upside the head, a fake scowl on her face.
I didn't budge my gaze.
Ted, after momentarily looking towards Andromeda, seemed to calm down.
"She told me you'd call me that..." He let out with a sigh. "Said it'd be a good thing too." He added on, frowning. "I don't see how."
"Means I like ya." A single beat passed. "If I didn't, I'd be perfectly respectful." I promptly leaned forward, Andromeda not bothering to give me the room to do so as she barely leaned to the side. "And trustme, if I have to make an effort to be polite, you don't wanna be anywhere near me."
"Sirius, we've talked about you threatening-"
"He's about to be family, I think that disqualifies his protection." I gave him a grin, watching as an even moreuncomfortable expression took over the guy's face, one he quickly turned towards Andromeda and back to me. "I am sure you already realize that 'dating-'" I stated, using my fingers to quote the air, "-season's over, right?" I waited for a single beat, before leaning back and reaching for my pockets. "It's why you're here, Teddy."
Andromeda let out a sigh, before throwing a quick apology to the wizard in question, though thankfully the man's face didn't leave my gaze, as he gave off a curt, somewhat resigned, nod.
"Good," I remarked, taking out a few sets of contracts. "Let's talk about the details then?" I grinned at him again, watching as Andromeda momentarily covered her face with one hand. Reaching the red-colored contract out towards them, I magically opened it up and placed it before him.
"First thing's first- I like to get the unpleasant side of things out of the way, you see?" I watched as his gaze rapidly paled as he took in the contract's words, while Andromeda's frown turned a tad more deadly. "That, essentially, only comes into effect if your future marriage goes down the toilet far enough it meets a Basilisk." I paused letting the words fill the air.
"A prenup?" The wizard questioned with a grimace completely ignoring my joke- The gall- as he quickly schooled his face at the bemused expression that filled my face. "It's what ha-"
"Prenups are for divorces." I shrugged, watching as surprise filled and quickly left his face. "Black's don't do divorce," I added on calmly. "That contract is more of a guarantee that, if your marriage ends up needing a divorce," I narrowed my eyes. "And it's your fault, as opposed to my devil of a cousin's-" I ignored the sigh from the woman in question, Andromeda's face firmly on the table as she probably tried to magic herself out of this situation. "Then that gives me the right to, depending on the circumstances, either disappear you permanently, temporarily, torture you for an undisclosed number of weeks based on your marriage length, or throw you in a ditch somewhere." I gave him a smile.
A smile he didn't return, obviously.
He wasn't a freaking psychopath.
Which was odd considering who he was trying to marry, all things considered.
"Sirius, he's not going-"
"On the other hand, you can forgo the contract, and essentially leave my future reaction entirely on how I am feeling at the time." I smiled pleasantly.
Andromeda's face rapidly went up from the desk as she turned a worried look to her hubby.
"Sign it." She deadpanned. "Like seriously, just sign it, it's in your best interest."
"...I... Don't think it is..." Ted remarked, staring at the two of us as he edged his seat away from mine.
Andromeda frowned slightly before turning a look back towards me.
"..I can handle myself you know-"
I rolled my eyes at her.
"Narcissa and Regulus are going to get the same treatment." I shrugged. "Bellatrix, I am sure the poor fucker she ends up with is going to wish for that contract." I waved my hand away. "It's not a requirement, you know- I just figured if Iwas going to be marrying a borderline racist family that controlled the magical country I lived in, I'd want some insurance on them not going over the line, but hey, you do you."
Ted stared at me for a few moments, his mind probably going through everything he'd ever done in his life that had led him to this particular meeting, before to my disappointment, he promptly picked up the contract and put it into his pocket.
"I don't have to sign it right now, right..? I'd rather wait until the actual wedding's gone through."
I let out a sigh and nodded.
"You sound disappointed..." He pointed out warily.
"Yeah. Now I actually have to follow that contract." I deadpanned in response, shaking my head, before quickly replacing my expression with a more cheerful one before my cousin decided to send me the St Mungo's care for the Mentally Compromised again. "Now, onto pleasant matters!" I remarked, picking up the second contract, this time colored blue. "Both of you will have to sign this one, of course-"
Andromeda promptly snapped it out of my hands as she opened it up in front of both of them.
"Given the circumstances-" I watched as a surprised expression quickly filled the witch's face. "Andy here will of course be keeping her name-"
"Isn't that up to her?" Ted cut in, blinking a few times.
"Nope. Non-negotiable." I deadpanned immediately. "Don't really care what your names worth in the muggle world I am afraid, it's a hella step down for her, and I am not in the mood to let her close any doors for her life out of something as silly as love." I paused. "Of course, you're certainly welcome to take up our name yourself- Well, with a clause, but either way being the first mudblood welcomed into our family's gonna set you up for life, politically, socially, and everylly really." I shrugged, waving a hand dismissively. "On that note, any kids you have-" Que embarrassment on both of their faces-
Ugh, it's like they were kids.
Wait... They technically still were.
"-will of course take our name, though we wouldn't be opposed to you choosing to give them yours for their middle one if you and Andy here insist on it."
Ted was fully frowning now as he leaned back into his seat, an almost defeated expression in his eyes.
"Jeez, feels like I am marrying into the royal family or something..." He sighed, as Andromeda's sheepish expression tried and failed to make things less awkward.
I blinked once in response, however.
"Err... 'Cos you basically are?" I snorted. "I mean, you do understand that part right?" I waved towards the two contracts. "This is all a formality- But, it's also the only thing that's going to actually get you, a muggleborn," He winced at my tone, or the word itself, for whatever reason, "Accepted into the oldest active noble pureblood family in the country." I paused, leaning back again. "Like, I'd just take it and run. You should count yourself lucky there isn't a death curse involved in the writing." I snorted again.
"You didn't just hit the jackpot with my cousin over here, you beat the goddamn house."
For some reason, that metaphor seemed to freak him out, even as Andromeda gave me an utterly bemused expression. Though after another second, the witch shrugged and went with it. "Yeah, Teddy, you got yourself a princess." She barely managed to say with a straight face, before giggling like a bloody first year.
Seventeen years old my fucking ass.
"Anywho, the red contract's up to you, blue ones non-negotiable," I remarked again, watching as the resignation on his face rapidly lit up at the sight of my cousin's genuine joy.
I promptly turned towards my cousin, catching her gaze. "Now, onto yourfavorite part." I promptly handed her a blank parchment, earning a bemused look from her. "I know you wanted a quiet wedding, but if you think my father's going to let a mudblood marry into the family without making it political, you're magically stupid." I paused, watching as the witch twitched, while Ted's expression turned amused at her reaction. "If you think your father's going to hand over his little girl without a wedding to show for it, you're delusional. And a bit of a bitch to think it."
I promptly dodged the sudden swipe while Ted had a sudden coughing fit.
"And if you think I am going to let my favorite cousin not have the best fucking wedding on the planet, with a guy she actually wants, to boot, then you're absolutely fucking insane." I finished with a shit-eating grin.
Needless to say, Andromeda's passive expression practically broke at that last part as the witch let out a whisper in response.
"I can't believe how fucking adorable you are right now..."
Needless to say, I gave her the middle finger.
Thankfully, Only Ted understood what it meant, judging by the second coughing fit.
"'sides, a public wedding between a Black and a mudblood?" I snorted. "Forget rolling in his future grave, our racially charged grandfather might actuallybackflip into it during the reception." A single beat passed. "Like hell, I am missing that."
Andromeda rolled her eyes at me, while a very questioning look quickly took over Ted's face.
After a brief moment, Andy raised her blank contract and pointed out that I'd given her the wrong parchment.
I blinked in response, frowning.
"...Unless you're suggesting I literally plan the wedding out for you- You're supposed to fill that in with what you need, want, how many guests etc-" I paused, turning towards Ted. "You're allowed to invite up to a hundred, and since we'll have a few obliviators on hand to remedy the magical aspect of it, you can literally invite anyone- And yes they will remember the wedding itself, don't worry."
I was going to start a goddamn conspiracy theory on this wedding, one way or another.
Andromeda's eyes monetarily widened as a very massive shit-eating grin took over her face.
"...Wait, is uncle willing to help pay for it? Not just my dad?" She questioned, hopeful for some reason.
"He wasn't planning to. The initial budget was only around a hundred thousand galleons-" I shrugged. "I changed his mind- Told him I'd blow the family treasury on fire whiskey and poly-juiced hookers if he cheapskated the wedding."
Both of them had to blink a few times at that one. Ted, after briefly freezing at my choice of words, shrugged it off and started doing the numbers in his head as he frowned, Andromeda on the other hand just stared at me for some reason.
"...Come again?" She questioned, a genuinely worried expression growing on her face as she continued staring at me.
"I am kidding!" I rolled my eyes. "I just said that if we're going to be pissing on pureblood history, we'd be pussies to throw just a hundred grand on it- Like, if piss was gonna pour anyway, we might as well make it an absolutely legendaryshower." I paused. "Which is why your budget is now more of a fuck-it-"
Which honestly? No matter how much it might be, it wouldn't even be a dent in our current and future holdings. One of the first things I did, the moment Orion stopped treating me like a brat and start taking me seriously, was have him invest in the future of the muggle world. Truth be told, the man had in fact been doing it in crumbs before- Because in the end, wealth, was wealth, and it sure as hell didn't matter where it came from. The only problem was he hadn't known where to actually invest it, which is why he'd never really dabbled into it as much as he might've been willing to.
"-So if you want a wedding on the bloody moon, you'll have a wedding on the bloody moon. Go crazy." I waved a hand dismissively.
Needless to say, that one set her off as she literally swept around the table and suffocated me with a bear hug.
I swear one of these days I was going to make a counter-charm for this bullshit.
At least Ted was feeling my pain, or maybe the poor fucker was worried his wedding was actually going to be on the moon.