The soft click of the door closing as Clara left echoed in the suddenly cavernous room. Her small footsteps faded down the corridor, taking the fragile warmth of her intense loyalty with them and leaving behind a silence thick with unspoken things. Dust motes danced in the sparse light filtering through the grimy window, illuminating the wreckage outside.
He shifted on the cot, the movement stiff, painful. The phantom limb still throbbed with a confusing mix of fire and ice. Serval stood near the window, her back partially to him, seemingly studying the quietness of Boulder Town.
He should say something. Thank her for watching over Clara? Acknowledge the herd of elephants stomping around the room?
His gaze flickered towards the musician. He replayed Clara's fierce defense of him earlier, the way she'd barely left his side. An uncomfortable warmth mixed with apprehension coiled in his gut. He saw Serval glance back, her expression unreadable for a moment before settling into weary professionalism. Had she registered the intensity of the girl's attachment?
Action felt better than awkward silence. Driven by a need to feel less broken, less helpless, he reached over with his left hand towards the partially disassembled prosthetic resting on the small table beside the cot. The metal felt cool and inert beneath his touch. He fumbled slightly, trying to get a grip, intending to reattach it himself. He needed to feel whole. Or at least functional. Capable. Not this wreck lying uselessly while the world outside held its breath.
A faint whirring sound emanated from the limb as he jostled it, metal fingers twitching erratically. Before he could properly align the connection socket, Serval turned fully from the window. The weary warmth she'd shown Clara vanished, replaced by the focused intensity of an engineer diagnosing a fault. Her eyes, sharp and analytical, took in the empty space at his shoulder, then flickered up to his hair – no longer the dark shade she remembered from the workshop, but gray and white, like frost against the makeshift pillow. Her gaze lingered, assessing the paleness beneath his skin, the exhaustion radiating from him.
"Don't," she said, her voice low, professional, crossing the space between them in a few quick strides. "You'll misalign the neural contacts. And probably tear something."
She knelt beside the cot without waiting for permission, her touch surprisingly gentle yet firm as her fingers expertly probed the connection point at his shoulder stump. The cold metal casing sent a phantom chill through nerves that weren't there anymore. Her hair, a tangled mix of blonde and electric blue, fell forward, partially obscuring her face as she concentrated. Fine lines bracketed her eyes, etched deeper by exhaustion and stress.
"I can manage," he started, the protest reflexive, weak even to his own ears. Pride felt like a distant luxury.
"No, you can't," she countered curtly, not looking up. "You might know how to use Paths I don't understand, but I know more about prosthetics than you could learn in a lifetime. Especially temperamental ones like this cobbled-together special." A hint of her usual dry wit surfaced briefly. Her gaze lingered for a second on the scarred termination point of his arm before returning to the prosthetic's interface. "What even happened? Last time I saw you, you very definitely had two arms made of flesh and bone."
The question was direct, pragmatic, devoid of pity – just a mechanic needing data. Still, he flinched inwardly. The memory – the roar of falling rock, Dan Heng's blade flashing, the searing agony – was too raw. "Long story," he deflected, his voice tight. "Involved saving people. A boulder. Bad timing."
She raised an eyebrow slightly, clearly sensing the evasion, but didn't press immediately. "Right. 'Bad timing'. Seems to be a theme." Her fingers continued their adjustments. "Hold still. This connection point is already partially fused from the power surges. Neural feedback's probably scrambled." She paused, her knuckles brushing against the edge of his hairline as she steadied the limb. "And the hair? Did the 'bad timing' turn it white too? Or is that another side effect of channeling… whatever it is you do?"
He stiffened at the question, unnerved by her perceptiveness. "Stress," he muttered, opting for a half-truth. "It's been a stressful week."
Serval made a noncommittal sound, clearly not buying it entirely but letting it drop for now. She seemed more focused on the immediate puzzle. "Speaking of stress... Clara seems quite attached," she observed, her tone carefully neutral as she tightened a connector. "She barely left your side. Reminds me of Lynx, a bit. That kind of fierce loyalty." She glanced up briefly, her blue eyes searching his. "She looks at you like you hung the stars. Or at least stopped the ceiling from falling on them."
He looked away, unable to meet that probing gaze. If you asked him, he didn't deserve Clara's fierce devotion, felt like he was tainting it just by being near her. A surge of frustration washed over him – at the situation, at Serval's unnerving ability to see things he wished she wouldn't, but mostly at himself. At the mess. At the adulation waiting outside. At the lie he was living.
"Stupid," he muttered, the word scraping against his dry throat, directed inward with venomous force. "Stupid, stupid, stupid."
Serval glanced up briefly from her work on the prosthetic, catching the tail end of his muttered self-recrimination. She misinterpreted the target of his frustration. "This model? Yeah, it's a bit… rudimentary. How was it that you called the person who gifted it to you? Herta, right? Her or her team probably slapped it together from spare or pre-fabricated parts. Very much a rushed job. I'm surprised at how functional it is, but I agree. It is hardly state-of-the-art. The pressure sensors are basic, and the servo calibration drifts."
"No," he said, shaking his head slightly. The movement sent a fresh wave of dizziness washing over him. "Not the arm."
She didn't press immediately, her fingers carefully adjusting a small dial near the integration socket. The whirring steadied; the twitching stopped. A small victory in a sea of failures. She tested the connection subtly. "Better?"
He flexed the metallic fingers tentatively. The response felt sluggish but present. "Yeah. Thanks."
"Good." She tightened one final fitting. "Then what's 'stupid'?" she asked, her focus still primarily on the prosthetic, but her tone implying she hadn't missed his earlier distress.
A surge of frustration tightened his chest. Herald of Qlipoth. The Amber Lord's chosen. Clara's words echoed in his mind, prickling under his skin like static electricity, wrong on so many levels.
"I was stupid," he repeated, the words tasting like ash. "I didn't think ahead. Didn't consider how they'd… interpret it. What happened. What I did." The memories flickered – the golden light erupting from him, shaping itself into shields, reinforcing crumbling structures, knitting bone and flesh back together. Power borrowed, channeled… power that resonated with the very concept of Preservation itself, amplified by the sheer desperation of the moment, perhaps even noticed by the Aeon slumbering beyond the stars. He'd tapped into something fundamental, and now people were mistaking the conduit for the source, or worse, a chosen messenger. His self-directed anger burned, hot and familiar.
He should have anticipated this. Should have known how desperate people, clinging to remnants of faith in a dying world, would react to displays of impossible power channeled through an outsider.
"People calling me a messenger of Qlipoth," he elaborated, voice flat, unable to keep the edge of bitterness out entirely. "Saying the Amber Lord sent me. It… bothers me."
Serval finished her adjustment and sat back on her heels, wiping a stray smear of grease from her knuckles onto her trousers. She finally looked at him directly, a flicker of surprise in her blue eyes, mixed perhaps with calculation. "Most people in Belobog would consider that an honor," she stated, matter-of-factly. "Highest praise, really. After hundreds of years of silence, any sign from the Amber Lord... well, people grasp onto it."
"Maybe." The word was grudging. "But I don't worship Aeons." He stressed the word deliberately. "I know Qlipoth is real," he conceded, meeting her gaze, needing her to understand this distinction. The sheer, overwhelming presence he'd brushed against when channeling the Path of the Preservation left no doubt these entities were tangible forces, beings of immense power operating on scales beyond human comprehension.
"These... beings, these Paths they embody, they exist. I've seen enough to know that. But…"
His hand drifted unconsciously to the cross pendant resting against his chest, the cool metal a familiar, grounding weight against the chaos inside and out. "Where I'm from… we see things differently. Worship differently."
Serval noticed the movement, her gaze dropping to the pendant, then lifting back to his face. Recognition softened her features slightly. "I remember the moment I gave you the chain for that," she said softly. "Back at the workshop. Seems like a lifetime ago." A flicker of that past camaraderie, instantly complicated by everything that had happened since. She paused, then tilted her head, her mechanic's curiosity replacing the guardedness. "So, if you acknowledge the Aeons exist but don't worship them... what do you follow? What shapes your view?"
The question hung there, demanding an answer he didn't want to give. Faith felt like a raw nerve ending right now, exposed and aching after being dragged through the meat grinder of this reality.
"It's… complicated," he hedged, looking away towards the grimy window, the landscape of ruin outside feeling like a reflection of his inner state.
"Try me." Her voice was even, not pushy, but persistent. He assumed the engineer in her needed to understand the operating principles, even if they were metaphysical. Just like him.
He sighed, rubbing his remaining hand over his face. The stubble scratched. How to explain centuries of theology, schism, and personal doubt in a few sentences? How to bridge the gap between his reality and hers? He owed her honesty, though. After the lies, after what she'd done for him, he owed her at least that much.
"We believe in one God," he began, forcing the words out, trying to find a simple thread in the complex tapestry of his faith. "The source. Creator of everything." He hesitated, searching for the right words, avoiding jargon she wouldn't know. "He… loves humanity. Deeply. Enough that He sent His Son to live among us, teach us… and ultimately, to offer a way back to Him. A path to salvation."
Serval listened intently, her brow furrowed slightly in concentration, processing the unfamiliar concepts. "One God creating everything?" she asked, trying to map it onto her own understanding. "So... how does that relate to the Paths? Like the Preservation, the Abundance… Are those aspects of His power? Different facets?"
He shook his head firmly. "No. Where I come from, there's nothing like the Paths. That concept... it's unique to this place, as far as I know." He paused, trying to bridge the conceptual gap. "If you want a comparison, maybe think of them less as direct aspects of God Himself, and more like... fundamental forces or principles within His creation. His will might encompass concepts like preservation or destruction, but they aren't distinct entities or paths from Him in the way you mean. We see it more as... a single, vast design, containing all possibilities, governed by His overall providence, even the parts that seem destructive or chaotic from our limited perspective."
"Huh." She mulled this over. "And salvation… you said His Son offered it. How?" She leaned forward slightly, genuinely curious now. "Is it like... following a specific blueprint? Adhering to certain principles strictly, like the Architects follow Qlipoth's example?" She gestured vaguely.
"You know, Qlipoth built the walls that protect us, shields entire worlds from cosmic threats. The Architects believe we honor Qlipoth, ensure Preservation, through meticulous work, unwavering diligence, maintaining the structures, adhering to the plans. Building, reinforcing, enduring. Not unlike Belobog has done for centuries against the Eternal Freeze." Her description painted a picture of practical, tangible devotion – effort expended, results measured.
He felt the familiar knot tighten in his gut. Here lay the crux of his own fractured faith.
"It's… supposed to be simpler than that," he said, the words feeling hollow even as he spoke them. "And infinitely harder." He struggled to articulate the core tenet, the one he intellectually understood but emotionally rejected. "The belief is… salvation isn't something you earn through works, through diligence, through building walls or checking off boxes."
He met her gaze, trying to convey the concept. "It's offered freely. Through God's grace. Because of His Son's sacrifice. He paid the price for… well, for all the ways we fall short. All the mistakes. The sins." He paused, the weight of his own sins pressing down. "It's supposed to be a gift. All you have to do is accept it. Believe in Him, follow His teachings…" His voice trailed off.
Serval frowned, tilting her head. "A gift? Completely free? For… everyone? Regardless of what they've done?" The concept seemed alien to her worldview, where effort yielded results, where protection was maintained through constant vigilance, where actions against the survival of their world had consequences that could never be pardoned. "So, someone could… I don't know, cause immense harm, destroy things, betray trust… and still receive this 'salvation' just by… believing at the end?"
The question echoed his own deepest doubts. "That's… the theological promise," he admitted, his voice tight. "Forgiveness is absolute, if repentance is genuine. Grace covers all." He heard the words, the foundational belief of his faith, but they tasted like lies on his tongue.
How could grace cover his actions? How could a gift wipe away the blood, the consequences, the face of that little girl in the alley?
He saw the conflict in her eyes – the engineer trying to reconcile the logic. "So... there's just no consequence then?" she asked, trying to grasp the practical reality of what he was saying. "No need to... actually fix what was broken? To make amends?" She shook her head slightly, contrasting it with her own lived experience. "Here, in Belobog... survival depends on accountability. If someone puts others at risk, damages something vital... 'believing' they're sorry doesn't magically repair the harm or rebuild trust. You have to work to fix it, prove things are stable again. How can... how can people rely on each other if harmful actions don't have tangible consequences?"
"I know," he whispered, the admission torn from him. "Believe me, I know." He wrestled internally with the paradox. Was salvation truly a gift, accepted through faith in God, as the core teachings suggested? Or did James have it right – faith without works is dead? Did genuine repentance require action, atonement, the relentless effort to balance the scales he felt compelled to undertake?
He didn't know. The certainty his faith should have provided felt fractured, lost somewhere between the shooting, the alley, and waking up in a world governed by indifferent cosmic entities. All he knew was the crushing weight of his own actions and the desperate, clawing need to do something, anything, to offset the darkness. Accepting a free gift felt like cheating, like denying the price he knew, deep down, he still owed.
Serval seemed to sense his internal turmoil. "So," she continued, her voice softer now, "if your faith offers this... gift... why does being seen as Qlipoth's messenger bother you so much? Is it just the inaccuracy?"
"It's more than that," he said, looking back at her, trying to explain the visceral wrongness of it. "It feels like hypocrisy. Like I'm standing under someone else's banner, accepting reverence I haven't earned according to their rules, let alone my own. They see power derived from Preservation and assume I follow Qlipoth, that I embody your principles and teachings." He gestured helplessly. "That's not me. What I did down there… it wasn't me simply embodying the Preservation. It was desperate, chaotic, breaking myself over and over just to hold back the tide for another second."
He thought of the Architects, their meticulous plans, their patient work over centuries. "They're devoted to Qlipoth, they earn their place through diligence. For me to be hailed as some kind of champion of their Aeon… it feels like a mockery of their faith, your faith, and a lie about my own."
"Okay," Serval said slowly, processing this. "So, it's like someone praising you for being a master strategist when you feel like you just won by sheer, dumb, reckless luck, even if the outcome was good?"
"Something like that," he conceded, though it felt deeper, more fundamentally violating than just misattributed skill. It felt like wearing stolen honors while knowing the hollowness within.
She gave a small shrug, though her eyes remained watchful. "Still sounds like a problem most people here would love to have. But I get it. Doesn't fit your operating principles."
The comparison still irked him, simplifying something sacred and complex into mere mechanics. But he let it go. Arguing theology felt pointless when the real issue wasn't the label, but the man underneath it. "Look," he said, trying to steer the conversation away from the dangerous ground of faith. "It's complicated. And my relationship with God is strained right now. Can we just leave it at that?"
Serval nodded slowly, accepting the boundary again. She stood up, having finished her adjustments on the prosthetic, brushing dust from her knees. The limb felt stable, the connection solid under her scrutiny. She took a step back, assessed it with a critical eye, nodded again, satisfied with her work.
But the shift wasn't back to neutrality. Instead of the professional mask returning, something else settled in her expression – a deep-seated frustration mixed with a worrying level of concern. She crossed her arms, her gaze fixed on him, unwavering. The air grew heavy again, charged with a different kind of tension.
"Okay," she said, her voice quiet but firm, picking up the thread he thought they'd dropped. "Complicated faith. Strained relationship with God. Hypocrisy. Mockery." She ticked the points off mentally. "I can maybe start to wrap my head around why being called Qlipoth's messenger feels wrong to you, even if it seems like praise to us."
She paused, her eyes narrowing slightly. "But Xander... that still doesn't explain this." Her gesture encompassed him, the cot, the missing arm, the sheer exhaustion etched onto his features. "This... relentless drive towards self-destruction. This absolute disregard for your own life."
He tensed.
"Forget the theology for a second," she pressed on, her voice gaining intensity. "Forget the labels people are putting on you. Let's talk about what you did. What I saw." Her eyes locked onto his, sharp and demanding.
"Your heart stopped fifty-five times today." Her gaze pinned him to the cot, sharp and accusatory, emphasizing the sheer number. "Fifty. Five. Times. I counted." Her voice remained low, controlled, but held an undercurrent of disbelief and the remembered horror. "Every single time, flatlined. No pulse. Gone, until I brought you back." She tapped her chest, over her own heart, the gesture stark. "Little zap. Restart the system. Like jump-starting some broken machine instead of a person."
Her description, clinical yet imbued with the weight of her experience, made the horror starker. Fifty-five descents into the void. Fifty-five forced returns. His jaw tightened. He remembered assigning her the role, seeing it as a grim necessity on the flowchart he'd mapped out in his head. "I understand," he started, his voice low, trying to find the words. "But your part... it was essential. Without you, our whole plan would have collapsed."
Serval recoiled slightly, hearing the justification rather than simple remorse. Anger flashed in her eyes. "Essential?" she echoed, disbelief warring with fury. "To watch you die, Xander? Repeatedly? You think that was just a task? Was that the plan? Just… factor in your own repeated deaths and use me to short-circuit the process?"
"Yes," he confirmed, the single word stark but necessary. He met her gaze, needing her to see the brutal logic, even if she hated it. "The alternative was letting the Stellaron heal me on its own time. Minutes lost for every revival. Minutes where people trapped below were dying. We couldn't afford that loss."
He saw the explanation wasn't landing, the cold math hitting her like an insult. He tried again, forcing himself to explain the calculation that had seemed so clear in the heat of the moment. "I knew my body would fail under that kind of strain. It was inevitable. The only variable was how quickly we could get me back online. Your power, your control... no one else had the ability to jumpstart the healing process so fast. It shaved crucial seconds, maybe minutes, off each cycle. Seconds that meant another person pulled from the rubble, or saved from death."
He paused, seeing the hurt and anger still swirling in her eyes. "It wasn't assigning a task, Serval. It was depending on your unique strength because there was no other option that saved as many lives."
Her mouth dropped open slightly. She stared at him, the fury momentarily overshadowed by sheer incredulity. "My strength?" she repeated, her voice trembling slightly. "My strength at watching someone spasm and die, feeling their life extinguish under my hands, then forcing it back, over and over? You think that's strength? Or just… proximity to horror?" She gestured sharply towards him, towards the cot. "Seeing this? Fifty-five times?"
The raw vulnerability, the sheer trauma etched in her voice, finally bypassed his defenses completely. He saw it now – not just the engineer who performed a function, but the person who had endured that horror repeatedly because he asked her to. Because the plan demanded it. "The cost to you," he said, his voice dropping, rough with an emotion he hadn't allowed himself to feel until now, "was… immense. I see that. And I shouldn't have… discounted it." He looked away, ashamed not of the plan, but of his blindness to her burden within it.
"I am sorry," he said, the words carrying more weight this time, focused entirely on her experience. "For the horror I put you through. For making you bear that specific weight."
Her anger seemed to drain away then, leaving behind only a profound weariness. "That doesn't mean it didn't break something, Xander," she whispered, looking down at her hands as if the memory was seared onto them.
Guilt, sharp and specific to her pain, twisted inside him. "I know," he admitted quietly. He still believed the plan was necessary, the only way to save the maximum number, but the human cost, her cost, was undeniable. He'd treated her like a component, a highly specialized tool, and ignored the person wielding it.
He tried to bridge the gap, needing her to understand the reasoning, even if it couldn't excuse the burden. "But every calculation I ran, every projection… letting my body recover naturally meant trading time for lives. More time for me meant fewer people would make it. I chose speed. I chose efficiency in rescue. That required..." He hesitated, searching for a word less clinical than 'maintenance'. "...keeping me functional, no matter the damage. You, with the support of March 7th, were the only ones who could do that."
"Efficiency?" she cut him off, though the fire was gone, replaced by a weary sadness. "We're talking about lives, Xander. Your life included. Not just numbers on a spreadsheet." She shook her head, looking at him with a troubled expression. "There has to be a line. A point where the cost becomes too high, even if the goal is noble." She held his gaze, her voice regaining a quiet intensity. "Why? Why were you willing to pay that price? Forget the cold logic. Forget the rescue numbers. What was the real reason you were okay with building a plan that required you to endure that, again and again? You're not from here. You're an outsider. Belobog and its people should mean nothing to you."
He looked away, focusing on a crack snaking across the far wall. The truth was a tangled mess he couldn't easily unravel, especially not for her. Not when part of him still wanted her to keep her distance, for her own sake.
"It doesn't matter why," he said, voice low, dismissive.
Wrong answer.
The sharp crack echoed through the room as Serval slammed her open palm flat against the metal bed frame beside his hip. The impact jolted the cot, sending a fresh spike of pain through his stump and the prosthetic connection.
"IT MATTERS TO ME!"
Her voice rang out, sharp and raw with frustration, echoing in the sudden, heavy silence that followed. Dust dislodged by the impact drifted down from the ceiling.
He stared at her, genuinely taken aback by the force of her outburst. Her chest heaved, her eyes bright with unshed tears – of anger, or exhaustion, or something else entirely. The grease smudge on her cheek seemed stark against her pale skin.
"Why?" The question escaped him before he could stop it, prompted by genuine confusion. Why should his motivations matter so much to her? They barely knew each other. A few days in a workshop, a shared music performance that ended in failure, a near-kiss interrupted by his own guilt.
She owed him nothing. Less than nothing, after the lies. "Why do you care?"
The question seemed to momentarily halt her momentum. The fierce anger softened, leaving behind a bewildered vulnerability that felt more potent than her rage. She pulled her hand back from the bed frame, rubbing it absently as if surprised by her own violence.
"Because…" She hesitated, searching for the words, her gaze drifting around the room before settling back on him, direct and unflinching. "Because I don't get you, Xander. At all." She gestured vaguely, encompassing him, the situation, the fifty-five times his heart stopped.
"None of this makes any sense. One minute you're one thing, the next you're completely different..." She shook her head, clear frustration returning. "Look, when something's broken, when it doesn't work right, I figure out why. There's usually a reason, a logic to it, something you can trace back." Her gaze sharpened as she looked at him. "But you... you're like a puzzle with half the pieces missing, and the ones that are there keep changing shape. I can't figure you out, and frankly, it drives me insane."
He remained silent, watching her struggle.
She took a shallow breath, seeming to gather herself. "When things... break," she said, her voice quieter now, weighted with personal history, "when people let me down, hurt me... I know how to react." A bitter little smile touched her lips. "I build walls. I hold onto the anger. It's... simpler. Cleaner."
Her gaze became distant for a moment, the shadows under her eyes deepening. "My father… years of silence, stupid pride and resentment and disappointment between us. He died before we could ever really fix it. And the anger I felt? Easier than the regret." Her eyes flickered, the old pain sharp and clear. "Cocolia… she was my best friend. And she tore everything apart. My career. My relationships. My city… Lied, betrayed... I know I hate her for what she did, what she became." She looked back at him pointedly. "Even knowing about the Stellaron's influence, the hate is still there. It just makes sense."
Her gaze intensified as she focused back on him, her expression searching, almost pleading for him to fit into a recognizable category. "And by that logic, I should hate you too." Her voice was quiet but firm, laying out the charges again. "You lied. You used me, my workshop. You endangered people I care about. You knocked me out." Each point landed, accurate and undeniable. "Hate would be easy. It would be... consistent."
She took a step closer, lowering her voice further, the frustration giving way to raw confusion. "But then… then you do this." Her gesture encompassed his injuries, the memory of the rescue efforts. "You save Lynx." Her voice cracked slightly on her sister's name. "You pull her back from… from nothing. When I thought... when we thought she was gone." She swallowed hard, then shook her head again, grappling with the contradiction. "And then you throw yourself into hell itself, your heart stopping over and over again while you pull hundreds of strangers from the rubble. People you don't even know."
She shook her head. "And it just... it doesn't fit. The pieces don't line up. The lies and the sacrifice. The cold calculation and the... gentleness I saw with Clara, with other children." Her eyes locked onto his. "Hate feels wrong now. Fake. But understanding you feels impossible when you hide behind vague answers and this… this drive to erase yourself." She leaned forward slightly. "I need to know who I'm looking at, Xander. Who is the man beneath the contradictions? I can't reconcile any of it without knowing the truth. Your truth."
Her raw honesty, her vulnerability laid bare alongside her frustration, struck him with unexpected force. It chipped away at his defenses more effectively than anger ever could.
She was literally showing him the impossible position he had put her in, forcing her to confront her own patterns of resentment and unforgiveness by simply not fitting into them. Maybe she needed comprehension, not just for him, but perhaps for herself too?
He felt a treacherous urge to give her what she wanted, to unburden himself. But the ingrained instinct to protect—by pushing away—was stronger. The truth was poison.
He shook his head, looking away, focusing on the bleak view outside the window. "It doesn't matter."
"Doesn't matter?" she echoed, stepping closer again, disbelief hardening her voice. "How can you say that? After everything?"
He pushed himself up slightly on the cot, ignoring the protest from his shoulder and the phantom limb. "Some things are better left buried, Serval."
"Not this," she shot back immediately, her voice sharp. "Not when it drives you to act like... like your own life is worthless." She moved, positioning herself between him and the window, blocking his view, forcing him to look at her. "You reject any thanks. You flinch from any praise. You seem determined to convince everyone, especially yourself, that you're some kind of... cosmic mistake." Her eyes narrowed, zeroing back in on the core issue he kept evading.
"Why, Xander? Why are you so fundamentally against acknowledging any good you've done?"
The question scraped against his raw nerves. Recognition felt like acid. "I told you," he bit out, his voice low and strained, turning his head away from her intense gaze. "I don't deserve it."
"And I'm telling you that's bullshit!" Serval countered, her voice rising, refusing to accept the deflection. "Deserve? Who decides that? You?" She leaned closer, her presence commanding despite her own visible exhaustion. "Tell Clara you don't deserve thanks! Tell Lynx! Tell Hook, tell the Moles, tell the hundreds out there waiting because they see you as—"
"Stop!" He cut her off, the word sharper than intended. He swung his legs over the side of the cot, his bare foot hitting the cold stone floor with a thud. He needed space, needed to move, the confines of the cot suddenly feeling like a cage. He swayed slightly, gripping the edge of the thin mattress for balance.
Serval didn't back down. "Why should I stop?" she challenged, standing her ground. "Why is it so painful for you to hear? I won't leave without an answer!"
The accusation, combined with the image of Clara's trusting face, of Lynx's fragile life returned, of the expectant crowd outside... it pushed him too far. He shoved himself upright, stumbling a step away from the cot, needing distance, needing air. The room felt too small, her gaze too piercing.
"BECAUSE I'M A MURDERER!"
The roar ripped from his throat, raw and ragged, echoing off the cold, bare walls. He stood trembling, chest heaving, the force of the admission leaving a ringing silence in its wake. His remaining hand clenched into a fist. Regret warred with a volatile mix of anger and exhaustion.
Idiot. Idiot! Why did you say that?
He turned away from her as he heard her take a slow breath, running his good hand distractedly through his sweat-dampened hair, pacing agitatedly in the small clear space near the door. Three steps one way, three steps back. Trapped.
"Goddamn it," he muttered, the words choked. He kicked lightly at a loose stone on the floor. "Goddamn you, Serval Landau." He stopped pacing, his back to her, shoulders slumped. "Look, I... I apologize. For shouting." His voice was rough, strained.
He risked a glance at her. Shock flickered across her face, yes, an involuntary half-step back. But it vanished almost instantly, replaced by that unnerving, analytical focus of hers.
Panic seized him. "Shit," he whispered harshly, turning away, running a hand through his hair. "Look, forget it. I didn't mean—"
"No."
The single word stopped him cold.
"No," she repeated, firmer this time. "I heard you. "Murderer," she repeated the word, testing its weight. "That's a heavy word, Xander. You throw that out here, you owe me an explanation. A real one."
He spun back, frustration making him reckless. "Why do I?" he demanded, his own voice rising, agitated. "Why does it matter to you? What right do you have—"
"What right?" she interrupted, stepping forward, closing the distance again, her eyes blazing with an intensity that matched his own agitation. "The right of someone who dragged you back from death fifty-five times today! The right of someone whose sister is alive because of you! The right of someone you lied to, used, and are now expecting to just... what? Ignore that?" She gestured sharply, indicating the confession hanging between them.
"It's none of your damn business!" he shot back, pacing again, feeling trapped like a cornered animal. He glanced towards the door, remembering the crowd. Nowhere to go. "It's my past. My burden. It has nothing to do with you, nothing to do with Belobog!"
"Doesn't it?" Serval challenged, her voice dangerously quiet now, but sharp as ice. "Someone who calls himself a murderer, who has your power, who operates with your level of... intensity? For the sake of strangers? You think that has nothing to do with us? With the people you're supposedly protecting, that you saved?!" She took another step closer. "Who did you kill, Xander?"
The direct question hit him like a physical blow. He stopped pacing, staring at her, breathing hard. The image of Joaquín's face momentarily blurred, replaced by the memory of Igor's cruel sneer in that derelict Rivet Town temple, Maria trembling behind him... He flinched inwardly. "Don't," he warned, his voice low, strained, the word carrying more weight than she could possibly know.
"Was it here?" she pressed relentlessly, ignoring the warning. "In Belobog? Was it one of the Vagrants? Someone from the Overworld? When?"
Her mention of the Vagrants lanced through him. He shook his head sharply, pushing the recent memory away. That was different. Maybe even justified. Necessary to save Maria. "No!" he snapped, though the denial felt complicated, incomplete even to him. "Damn it, that's... that's not what I meant! This was years ago! A lifetime ago!"
Serval frowned, likely interpreting his reaction merely as panicked deflection rather than complex truth. "Then tell me," she insisted, her gaze unwavering. "If it's just the past, if it has no bearing on now, then why hide it? Why let it eat you alive like this? Why does admitting it feel like tearing yourself apart?"
"Because it does!" he yelled back, throwing his hands up in exasperation before letting them fall heavily to his sides. "Because it's ugly! Because it changes everything! Because you look at me now and you see… whatever the hell you see, but if you knew the truth..." He trailed off, shaking his head, the fight draining out of him slightly, replaced by weary despair.
"Try me," Serval said again, her voice softer this time, but no less firm. The anger had subsided, replaced by that intense, unwavering need to comprehend. "Maybe I won't understand. Maybe I will hate you afterwards. But right now? This confusion, this not knowing... it's worse. You owe me the truth, Xander."
He stared at her, trapped by her logic, by her presence, by the word already spoken. He felt raw, exposed, exhausted down to his bones. The fight was gone. There was no escape. She wouldn't let it go.
He finally broke eye contact, looking down at the cold stone floor. He took a deep, shuddering breath that scraped his lungs raw. The silence stretched, thick and heavy. When he finally spoke, his voice was barely audible, rough and flat, stripped of all emotion.
"Fifteen," he whispered. "I was fifteen..."
He paused, gathering the threads of the memory, starting not with the darkness, but just before it.
"Back home… in Rosario. I was a huge football fan back then," he continued, a ghost of something that might have once been enthusiasm flickering in his tone, though he knew the concept would mean nothing to Serval. "Newell's Old Boys. That was my team." He glanced up briefly, meeting her watchful eyes before looking away again, focusing somewhere past her shoulder.
"We didn't have much money, you know? Low-middle class, maybe. My dad worked constantly as a mechanic, and Mom cooked at bars, restaurants, and public schools. Going to the stadium, Marcelo Bielsa... that felt like a dream, something we couldn't really afford." He allowed himself a small, fleeting memory of asking his father, the gentle refusals because money was tight.
"Then one day, Dad comes home from work, this huge grin on his face, and holds up two tickets. For the clásico. Newell's against Rosario Central. It was the biggest match of the year, at least to me it was." He could almost feel the jolt of pure joy again, the sheer disbelief. "Honestly, it was one of the best days of my life, up to that point."
He described the game, the atmosphere thick with noise, the sea of red and black flags, the smell of grilled choripán hanging heavy in the air outside the stadium. "And we won," he said, the detail sharp, specific. "Two-one. The place just erupted. Dad lifted me up on his shoulders, celebrating like crazy, just like he used to when I was little. It was… perfect." He let the memory settle for a moment.
"We were heading home afterwards," he went on, his voice losing the faint flicker of warmth, becoming monotone again as the memory shifted. "Walking towards the bus stop on Pellegrini Avenue. Mom was waiting for us back home, making gnocchi – Dad's favourite. We were still buzzing from the game, talking about the plays, arguing over who fouled who..." He trailed off, the scene reforming in his mind. The fading daylight, the streetlights starting to flicker on, casting long shadows.
"And then... they were just there," he said, his voice dropping slightly. "Five of them, appearing out of the dusk like they owned the street. They blocked our path, casual-like, until one pulled a gun." He remembered the cheap look of the pistol, the cold dread that washed over him. "Demanded everything we had. I just froze up. Dad had taught me to fight since I was a kid, how to handle myself, but seeing a real gun pointed at you… I was terrified, thought I was going to piss myself right there."
He swallowed, forcing the words out. "Dad… he stayed calm. Always did, under pressure. He told me, quiet-like, 'Easy, Ale. Stay calm.' Then he started handing over his wallet, his watch… it wasn't worth much, but it was his." He paused, the next part tightening his chest. "But one of them... the way he looked at me. Like sizing up prey. Dad saw it instantly." He recalled the almost imperceptible shift in his father's stance, becoming a shield. "He stepped slightly in front of me. Didn't raise his voice, but there was steel in it. 'Leave the kid alone,' he told them. Just that. Drawing a line."
His remaining hand clenched into a fist on his lap. "They didn't like that. Didn't like him standing up to them, I guess." His voice dropped further, becoming flat, reciting the horror with a chilling lack of inflection. "The one with the gun... he just reacted. Raised it." The sounds seemed to echo in the quiet room – the sharp cracks, so much louder than fireworks, the sickening thud of impact. "Nine shots," he whispered, the number obscene. "He fired nine times. Point blank. Like he was swatting a fly." He finally looked up, meeting Serval's wide, horrified gaze, letting her see the raw memory reflected in his own eyes. "I watched him go down. Right there on the pavement."
Silence hung heavy in the small room, thick with the phantom scent of gunpowder and blood. Serval didn't speak, her expression frozen in shock, waiting. He forced himself to continue, the words dredging up the long, dark year that followed.
"He didn't die," he clarified, the words flat. A miracle, they called it. But it felt like a twisted one. "Nine bullets, and somehow he lived." He remembered sitting by the hospital bed for days that blurred into weeks, praying with a fervor he hadn't known he possessed. Praying for healing, yes, but also praying for justice. Praying for the animals who did this to be caught, to suffer, to know even a fraction of the pain they'd inflicted on his father, on his family. He gripped the cross around his neck until his knuckles were white, begging for a sign, for intervention, for simple fairness.
"But surviving…" he continued, his voice hardening, "isn't always living. The bullets shattered him. Crippled him for life. The strong man who carried me on his shoulders after the football match was gone, replaced by someone broken and dependent." The bitterness rose, vile in his throat. "Everything changed. Mom stopped working to care for him. The money vanished. And the silence from God… it was deafening."
He recalled the police, their empty promises, their tired excuses. "Weeks turned into months. No leads. No arrests. Just whispers." His voice dripped with cynicism. "Whispers about corrupt cops, about gangs who paid for immunity. Justice wasn't just blind in Rosario back then - it was bought and sold in the back alleys."
The system he'd wanted to believe in, the divine justice he'd prayed for – both had failed, he felt. Turned a blind eye.
"The anger inside me..." he struggled to describe it. "It wasn't just grief anymore. It was rage. Pure, corrosive rage. At the men who shot him, at the cops protecting them, even... even at God for letting it happen, for staying silent." The prayers didn't stop, but they changed. They became darker. Less about justice, more about vengeance. Less about faith, more about demanding why he, why his family, had been forsaken.
"If no one else would act," he said, his voice low and intense, "then I would." The decision felt less like a choice, more like an inevitability, a dark path opening up when all others seemed closed. "I was fifteen, furious, and convinced the world owed us."
He described the year that followed, not glossing over the ugliness this time. "I became obsessed," he admitted, meeting Serval's gaze, wanting her to understand the depths he'd sunk to. "School, friends – pushed them all away." He thought briefly of Isabella, the pain he'd caused her, a necessary casualty to keep her clean from the filth he was wading into, of pushing Sebastian away even though the guy stuck to him like glue.
"I went looking for answers in the worst parts of the city. Ghettos, favelas, smoke-filled rooms where deals went down over shattered tables. I learned their language, learned their rules. Made 'friends' with addicts, dealers, petty criminals. Turned a blind eye to things… did things… just to get closer, to hear a name, a whisper. I was drowning in the mud, Serval, telling myself it was justified. Necessary."
All the while, the crushing weight of responsibility drove him. "I had to keep my family from starving," he explained, the contrast jarring even to him. "Learned arbitrage – buying low, selling high. Anything I could hustle. Phones, electronics, whatever. Working the streets, making deliveries, always circling closer to the territory where I knew they operated, gathering scraps of information like a scavenger."
He fell silent, the memory of that year a suffocating shroud. The constant tension, the fear, the rage, the prayers that felt like curses hurled at an empty sky. The growing conviction that if the world, if God, wouldn't give him justice, he'd take something back himself. He'd balance the scales his own way.
"It took almost a year," he said finally, the exhaustion of that relentless hunt echoing in his voice. "A year of living that double life, praying for vengeance one minute, haggling over prices the next. Until finally… I got the name I needed. Joaquín. The man who pulled the trigger."
The name hung in the air between them. He didn't wait for her reaction, just pushed forward into the memory, needing to get it out now that the dam was broken.
"Finding the name was one thing," he continued, his voice still flat, detached. "Finding him... took a few more weeks. Learning his new routines, where he felt safe." He remembered the final pieces clicking into place, the surge of dark satisfaction, the cold certainty settling over him. "I followed him home one night. Watched him go into his apartment building."
He described the preparation with chilling calmness. "I'd prepared. Stole a pair of brass knuckles from some gangbanger weeks before – heavy, solid brass. Didn't even miss them." He flexed his prosthetic hand, the memory of that weight settling into his real fist unsettlingly vivid. "Waited for him in the alley beside his building. Pulled on a mask." Rain had started falling, he recalled, slicking the cobblestones, washing the grime into the gutters. Fitting.
"He came out later, maybe going to the bar across the street. Didn't see me lurking in the shadows, waiting." He recounted the moment with a strange sense of distance, as if watching a scene unfold on a broken holo-projector. "I moved fast. Hit him before he knew what was happening."
He didn't describe the first blow, the sickening crunch, Joaquín's cry of surprise turning into pain. He just let the implication hang there. "He went down hard. Didn't expect it. Probably thought he was untouchable in his own territory."
His voice remained monotone, but Serval could likely see the shift in his eyes, the darkness gathering there as he relived the next few moments. "I didn't say anything," he clarified, remembering the silent, focused rage. "No threats, no accusations. Words felt... unnecessary. Pointless. I just… hit him."
He mimed the motion almost unconsciously with his left hand before catching himself, letting it fall back to his side. "Again. And again." He didn't shy away from the brutality now, laying it bare for her. "With the knuckles first. Then just… my fists." He remembered the rage, the grief, the frustration of the past year funneling into every blow. Seeing his father's broken form in his mind's eye.
"Blood," he said quietly, the single word stark. "Everywhere. On the ground, on the walls, on me." He looked down at his hands again – one real, one metal – as if expecting to see them stained anew. "I didn't stop. Not when he cried out. Not when he begged. I kept hitting him long after he stopped fighting back. Long after he stopped moving."
"I didn't even know if he was dead," he admitted, the confession feeling like another layer of grime coating his soul. "Just... broken. I remember..." He hesitated, shame making the next words stick. "I remember being almost... fascinated. In a detached, horrifying way. This man, this monster who had haunted my thoughts for a year, who had seemed untouchable... he looked so fragile under my fists. His face just... caving in."
He paused, taking a ragged breath before recounting the next part. "The alley was quiet then, just the rain and me breathing hard, standing over him." He gestured vaguely with his remaining hand, unable to fully articulate the scene he saw so vividly in his mind. "And then I heard it." His voice cracked. "This tiny sound. A little gasp."
He looked directly at Serval now. "I looked up," he whispered, the memory raw, "and there was this little girl. Standing at the entrance to the alley." He swallowed hard. "Couldn't have been more than six. Younger than Clara. Soaked from the rain, just staring. Not at me, at first. At... him."
He watched Serval's face, saw the dawning horror in her eyes as she made the connection. "She just whispered... 'dad?' And when she looked up at me... seeing her terror, seeing what I'd done reflected in her eyes..." He broke off, unable to continue for a moment, the shame suffocating him. "I saw what I'd become. Right there. In her eyes."
He pushed himself away from the memory, turning his back to Serval again, unable to face her while admitting the final, cowardly act. "I ran," he choked out, the word thick with self-loathing. "Like a coward. Left her there. Alone in the rain, with... with that." He couldn't bring himself to say 'her father's body'. "I just ran."
He recounted the panicked flight, the desperate return home, the prayers that felt like screams hurled into an empty void.
"So what happened then?" Serval pressed, her voice steady, cutting through the heavy silence after he described leaving the girl. "No one saw you? No one connected you to a brutal back-alley beating?"
He shook his head, turning back to face her, a bitter taste coating his tongue. "No one ever found out," he said. "Not officially." He gave a humorless scoff. "Why would they? I was careful. Masked. It was raining hard that night, muffling sounds. I didn't make a sound myself during the... attack. Besides, it had been almost a year since Dad was shot. Who connects a grieving fifteen-year-old kid, busy keeping his family afloat, to something like that so much later? They had no reason to look my way."
"So you just... walked away clean?" Serval asked, her voice laced with disbelief, trying to reconcile the horrific story with the lack of consequence.
"Clean?" he repeated the word like it was muck, his frustration flaring again. "You think any part of that was clean?" He dragged a hand through his hair, agitated. "Clean as in, the cops never knocked on my door? Yeah. Clean as in, my hands aren't stained? No." He met her eyes, wanting her to understand the distinction. "They didn't look for a kid seeking revenge. They looked for the usual suspects."
"What do you mean?"
"The word on the street," he explained, voice hardening, "was that it was a rival gang hit. Joaquín apparently wasn't just small-time trash. He had enemies." He described how his unsanctioned act of vengeance was misinterpreted, igniting a fuse in the volatile underworld. "My 'message' got scrambled. Retaliation started. Escalated fast." He recited the grim tally again, the words heavy. "Eight more dead before it burned out. Innocents, mostly. Two cops caught in the middle. All collateral damage from my personal little war."
Serval absorbed this, her expression tight with grim understanding. She was quiet for a long moment, clearly processing the layers – the initial shooting, the brutal revenge, the daughter, the lack of legal consequence, the subsequent gang war. Finally, she looked at him, her gaze sharp, analytical again, but focused differently now. Not just on the past crime, but its connection to the present man standing before her, bleeding and broken in Belobog.
"Okay," she said slowly, her voice low but clear. "The killing. The girl you left. The war you started. The fact you faced no justice for any of it..." She took a breath, her eyes searching his face intently. "Is this," she gestured vaguely, encompassing his presence in Belobog, the state he was in, "is this what it's about, then?"
He frowned, not immediately understanding her question. "What's what about?"
"All of this!" she pressed, her frustration returning, but aimed differently now – aimed at understanding his motivation. "Saving Lynx, protecting Clara, dying over and over for strangers, this… this relentless drive you have here. Is Belobog just… penance for you? Is throwing yourself into the fire here your way of trying to wash off the blood from that alley? Are we just pieces in your personal quest for atonement?"
Her words landed, sharp and precise. Penance. Atonement. He flinched inwardly. Was it that simple? That transparent? He wanted to deny it, but the question resonated with a discomforting truth.
"It's not... calculated like that," he said, struggling to articulate the driving force. "It's not like I have a ledger, trying to balance accounts." He shook his head, meeting her gaze. "And don't mistake what I do here for something noble. This isn't about selfless sacrifice." He saw her about to argue and cut her off.
"Deep down, Serval..." He hesitated, searching for the right word. "I just… know what I'm capable of. I know that monster I became in the alley is still inside me. Everything I do here..." He gestured vaguely. "...it feels like I'm just trying to prove—to myself, maybe to God—that the monster isn't all I am. And maybe this is my last shot at accomplishing that."
"But that doesn't track," Serval countered, her practical mind rejecting the fatalism. "Your actions here fly in the face of that. Saving lives, protecting people... that proves you aren't just that monster! Actions define us, Xander, not just the worst ones!"
"Do they?" he shot back, leaning forward slightly. "Let's forget faith for a second. Let's just talk cause and effect. I hunted a man down. I cornered him. I brought brass knuckles I stole specifically for the purpose. I beat him with the intent to inflict maximum damage and kill him."
"You were fifteen!" Serval interjected again, frustration clear in her voice. "You were traumatized! And you said yourself the police weren't doing anything! The system failed you first!"
"It wasn't self-defense, Serval!" he snapped, needing her to understand the crucial distinction. "It was revenge! Cold-blooded, planned revenge, almost a year after the fact! Does my age change that? Does the cops being corrupt excuse me becoming judge, jury, and executioner?" He shook his head. "Maybe my age or the circumstances get me a lighter sentence in some hypothetical court, but the act itself? The intent? That stain doesn't just wash out because I was young and angry!"
"But what you've done since has to matter!" Serval insisted, her voice passionate now. "Rehabilitation, restitution... Belobog itself values contribution! You've saved countless people here! Doesn't that demonstrate profound change? Doesn't that earn... something?"
"Earn what, exactly?" he challenged, his voice low, intense. "Redemption? Forgiveness?" He laughed, a harsh, broken sound. "Let's bring it back to the person whose opinion actually matters in all this, shall we?" His eyes glazed slightly, the image returning, sharp and agonizing. "Forget courts, forget our faith for a second. Picture Joaquín's daughter." His voice dropped, raw, vulnerable. "Picture her grown up. What kind of life did she have after I... intervened? Did she end up scared and scarred, but okay? Or did losing her father, seeing that, send her spiraling? Did she end up on the streets? Hooked on drugs? Selling herself to survive? Did she get sick and die alone because there was no one left to care for her?" He listed the possibilities he tortured himself with, each one a fresh stab of guilt.
He saw Serval flinch, the sheer weight of his self-inflicted torment clear on her face.
"Could you look that young woman in the eye," he pressed, his voice trembling slightly, "whichever version of her exists because of my actions, and tell her that the man responsible deserves anything other than condemnation? That his debt is paid because he saved other people, years later, in another world? Can any good deed undo the potential nightmare I unleashed on her life?"
Serval hesitated, visibly grappling with the brutal weight of his question. "But Xander," she countered finally, her voice quiet but firm, searching for a different angle, "he was a criminal himself, wasn't he? Someone who shot a man nine times in front of his son... Wasn't he already setting his daughter on a potentially dangerous path just by being who he was? Maybe she would have ended up badly regardless? Can you take all the blame for his failings as a father, for the world she was already born into?"
"Yes!" He slammed his real fist onto his knee, the impact sharp in the quiet room. "Yes, I can! Because maybe she would have, maybe not. But I took away any chance she had with him, however fucked up it might have been! I left her vulnerable and terrified! I potentially threw her to the wolves! His sins don't erase mine, Serval. They don't absolve me of leaving a six-year-old girl alone in an alley with her father's corpse!"
He slumped back slightly, exhausted by the outburst, by the weight of the truth finally spoken. He had argued himself into his corner, proven his own irredeemability. He waited for her final judgment.
Serval looked down, then slowly met his gaze again. The sharp edge of debate was gone, replaced by a quiet, searching intensity, perhaps even a flicker of sorrow. "Maybe," she said softly, her voice unexpectedly gentle, "you're right. Maybe no amount of good deeds can erase that specific harm, in her eyes, or even in yours." She paused, letting the silence stretch, then her gaze sharpened slightly. "But maybe... maybe you're also ignoring the answer you already gave me earlier."
He frowned, confused, thrown off by her shift in tone. "What answer?"
She held his gaze, her blue eyes clear and direct. "You told me," she reminded him, her voice barely above a whisper, echoing his own words back at him, "about your faith. About your God." She paused, letting the words sink in. "'Salvation isn't earned... It's supposed to be a gift. If you can accept it.'"
He stared at her, momentarily speechless. The concept – grace, unearned forgiveness – felt like a foreign language he could understand intellectually but couldn't speak, couldn't feel. It clashed violently with the harsh reality of the alley, the weight of the daughter's potential fate, the tangible consequences of his actions. He couldn't reconcile the two.
He finally shook his head, a small, almost involuntary movement, looking away towards the grimy window again. The silence stretched, thick with his unspoken conflict.
Serval watched him, her expression softening slightly, not with pity, but perhaps with a dawning understanding of the depth of his internal war. "So," she began gently, but persistently, refusing to let the contradiction pass unremarked, "if that's what you believe… or what your faith teaches, anyway… that forgiveness is a gift, freely offered…" She paused, choosing her words carefully. "Then why are you so convinced you can't receive it? Why sentence yourself to this… this endless cycle of guilt and self-punishment, if pardon is supposedly on the table?"
He flinched at the direct question, at her logical dissection of his own beliefs. How could he explain the chasm between knowing the words of his faith and feeling them apply to him? "It's not that simple," he muttered, rubbing his temple with his remaining hand.
"Why not?" Serval pressed quietly. "Is the gift conditional? Does it not apply to... certain sins?"
He thought of the catechism classes, the sermons, the passages he knew by heart. For God so loved the world... Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow... The words promised universality. But they felt hollow when measured against the specific weight of his actions, the image of the girl's terrified eyes. "The promise is... it's supposed to be for everyone," he admitted grudgingly, the words feeling like sandpaper in his throat.
"Then why not for you?" she asked again, her voice still soft, but relentless in its quiet logic.
"Because!" The word burst out, laced with frustration and a despair he rarely let surface. He turned back to face her, his eyes haunted. "Because some things... some actions... they put you outside that grace. They have to." He searched for an analogy she might understand, however flawed. "It's like... like trying to weld metal that's fundamentally corrupted. The join won't hold. The core is wrong. I don't... I can't just accept a gift like that. Not after what I did. Not knowing what might have happened to her."
He felt a familiar coldness settle over him, the conviction of his own damnation, the belief that heaven, forgiveness... it was simply out of his reach. "It would be a lie. A mockery."
Serval watched him, her expression shifting from searching intensity to a kind of weary understanding. She saw the walls go back up. She sighed softly.
He took the silence as his cue to shut down the vulnerability. "Look," he said, his voice flat, tired, turning back from the window but avoiding her gaze. He gestured vaguely between them. "This is exactly why it's better if people don't get close to me." He finally met her eyes, his own guarded, distant. "Everyone I care about eventually gets hurt. My family, people back home..." He swallowed. "Even the Express crew. March, Dan Heng... it's only a matter of time before I screw up somehow and they end up hurt because of me. Hell, I've already hurt them both multiple times." He looked directly at her. "You included, Serval. Lies. Manipulation. Danger. Proximity to me is poison."
"Stop it," Serval said, her voice low but firm. "Stop hiding behind that 'everyone I touch gets hurt' excuse. It's easy. Lets you avoid responsibility for the connections you do make." Her eyes narrowed slightly. "What about Clara? Does she think you're poison?"
He blinked, thrown off. "What about her?"
"Does she think people are better off without you?" Serval pressed, stepping closer. "I saw the way she looks at you, Xander. The way she held onto that watch you gave her." She tilted her head, her gaze searching. "Maybe I don't know exactly what a father looks like to her, but I know trust when I see it. She trusts you. Feels safe with you."
"I'm not..." he started, wanting to deny the implication, the responsibility. "Her old guardian asked me to protect her. That's it." He deflected, grasping for distance, needing to create it. "And I couldn't even save him. His death... that's another failure tied to me."
"Is it?" Serval challenged, skepticism clear in her voice. She didn't know the details, but she clearly doubted his self-blame. "Are you sure you were solely responsible for what happened to him? Or is that just the guilt talking again, twisting the narrative? Because knowing Clara, even a little, I seriously doubt she blames you." Her voice softened slightly, but her gaze remained intense. "In fact..." Her eyes flicked down to his missing arm, then back to his face, her expression calculating, piecing things together. "...that arm... You lost it saving people… saving her, didn't you?" It wasn't stated as fact, but a near-certain deduction. "Trying to get to her? Trying to shield her?"
He flinched, looking away. "That doesn't change the underlying problem," he muttered.
"Doesn't it?" Serval interrupted, stepping even closer, refusing to let him dismiss it. "You sacrifice a part of yourself – literally – to save her life, she looks at you like you hung the stars, her dying guardian entrusted her to you... and you still think pushing her away is the right thing? Because you're 'poison'?"
She shook her head, exasperated. "So what's your grand plan, then? Let's say you face Cocolia. Let's say you somehow 'atone' in your own mind by stopping her." Her voice took on a sharper edge. "What happens next? You just leave Belobog with the Express? What about Clara? Does she come too, torn away from the only home and people she's ever known? Or do you just... abandon her? Leave her behind after everything? Doesn't that sound awfully familiar, Xander? Just walking away from another little girl who needed you?"
"No!" The denial was visceral, immediate. "That's not... It won't be like that."
"How?" Serval demanded, seizing on his denial. "How will it be different if you just vanish after the fight?"
"Because Cocolia will be stopped," he stated, the words ringing with cold, absolute certainty. "Supplies will arrive. This city will recover. It will thrive again." His gaze softened almost imperceptibly as he spoke of the child. "And Clara... Clara will have a future here. A real one. Safe. Secure. She'll grow up, have the freedom to choose her own path, make her own life." He looked back at Serval, his expression fiercely determined. "She won't face the uncertainty... the possibilities that haunted Joaquín's daughter. I will guarantee that. She'll have everything she needs."
Serval stared at him, absorbing the unwavering conviction. He spoke of Belobog's future, Clara's future, as if they were already accomplished facts, blueprints finalized and approved. "Okay," she said slowly, nodding almost imperceptibly as she followed his train of thought. "Okay. Victory is guaranteed. Clara is safe. Provided for." She paused, her gaze sharpening as she probed the glaring omission. "So what happens after that guaranteed victory? What about you? Do you stay? Help rebuild the city you saved? Or do you leave with the Express?"
He hesitated, the question pulling him back from the certainty of the mission to the uncomfortable ambiguity of his own existence afterwards. "The Express needs to continue its journey," he said evasively. "That's their path."
"I didn't ask about their path," Serval pressed, refusing the deflection. "I asked about yours. Are you getting back on that train?"
He met her gaze, but offered no clear answer, only that bleak resolve settling back into his features. "What matters," he stated firmly, "is that Cocolia is stopped. That Belobog is safe. That Clara is safe."
"And nothing else?" Serval countered, stepping closer, her voice dropping, laced now with dawning disbelief and a growing dread. "What you want doesn't matter? Seeing the city recover, seeing Clara grow up... that's irrelevant?"
"What I want," he repeated, his voice tight, "is secondary to ensuring that Belobog is saved."
"Secondary?" Serval echoed, shaking her head slowly, her eyes scanning his face, finally understanding the disconnect. "No... not secondary. It's completely absent from your calculation, isn't it?" She took a shaky breath, the pieces falling into place with horrifying clarity.
"You've planned everything... for Belobog, for Clara... the Express… but you haven't planned anything for yourself after." Her voice trembled slightly. "You're going into this fight... fully prepared to achieve victory for everyone else..." she paused, dread chilling her words, "...even if it costs you everything."
She looked at him, frightfulness dawning in her eyes. "You're certain you'll win... for us. You've planned for our future." Her eyes searched his face, seeing the grim acceptance there. "But you haven't planned for your own, have you? You are fully expecting you might not walk away from the battle. You're not planning to die... but you've made peace with it, haven't you? Accepted it as the likely price."
He met her gaze, his own expression unreadable, offering no denial. His silence, the grim acceptance etched around his eyes and mouth, was the only confirmation she needed.
"No," she whispered fiercely, stepping forward, her hands unconsciously reaching out as if to grab him, stop him, shake sense into him, before falling back to her sides. "No, Xander. You don't owe us your life." Her voice grew stronger, thick with emotion. "Nobody asked for that. Not me. Not Clara. Not Belobog."
"Maybe not," he conceded quietly, the words barely disturbing the heavy silence. "But Serval... if a life isn't the price for everything I did..." His voice was low, almost detached, posing the question that had haunted him for thirteen years. "...then what is?"
The words hung between them, unanswerable, echoing the vast gulf between his perception of his sin and any possibility of redemption she might try to offer. He saw the struggle in her expression, the lack of any easy answer, the pain his question caused.
He didn't wait for a reply he knew she couldn't give. Enough talk. Enough agonizing. Action was needed. He turned abruptly towards the door, the prosthetic whirring softly as he moved. The pain in his shoulder stump, the phantom throbbing, the bone-deep exhaustion – he pushed it all down. Cocolia was waiting. Bronya and Wildfire needed a plan.
He reached the doorway, pausing for only a fraction of a second. Through the grimy window opposite, he could sense, more than see, the crowd still gathered outside, their patient, hopeful vigil a heavy weight he couldn't bear to face directly. Their reverence felt like another accusation. He closed his eyes briefly, the image of Joaquín's daughter flashing behind his lids, then pushed the door open.
As their expectant faces turned towards the sound, eyes widening with hope and awe, he met their gaze for only an instant. Then, before anyone could speak, before the weight of their expectations could settle on him, time itself seemed to ripple around him. A subtle distortion, a flicker of golden light in his eyes, and he blurred past them, a silent gust moving through the grounds towards where he sensed Bronya to be, leaving Serval alone in the quiet building with his impossible question hanging in the air.
————————
The monitor's steady rhythm falters. One beat stretches into two, into three.
Silence.
Then the sharp, urgent wail of the flatline cuts through the sterile air.
"Code blue!" A nurse's voice, taut with practiced urgency, breaks the momentary paralysis. "Room 426!"
Footsteps pound against the polished floor outside. The door flies open, admitting a rush of scrubs and white coats, faces set with the grim determination of those who have fought this particular battle before—and recently.
"That's the eleventh time today." Dr. Chen pushes to the front, her voice clipped as she assesses the situation with practiced efficiency. "Get the crash cart ready. Starting compressions."
Her hands find their position on the patient's chest. She begins the rhythmic press, muscles working with mechanical precision. The bed shifts slightly with each compression, making the still form bounce in a grotesque parody of life.
"Stats before the crash?"
A nurse checks the chart. "BP was dropping gradually over the past hour. Heart rate elevated, then suddenly plummeted."
"Same pattern as before." Dr. Chen doesn't break rhythm. "Charge to 200."
The defibrillator whines as it powers up. The nurse applies the conductive gel to the paddles.
"Clear!"
Bodies step back. The doctor positions the paddles on the chest. The body arches with the shock, then falls still. The monitor continues its mournful, unbroken tone.
"Still asystole. Continuing compressions."
The room becomes a synchronized dance of efficiency. An IV line checked. Medications drawn up and administered. Oxygen levels monitored. Through it all, Dr. Chen's hands press down, up, down, keeping blood flowing to a brain that seems determined to shut down.
"Charge to 300."
Again, the room clears. Again, the body convulses under the electrical current.
The monitor hesitates, then picks up a slow, fragile rhythm.
"We have conversion." The relief in the nurse's voice is palpable but measured—they've been here before.
Dr. Chen steps back, shaking out her arms. "BP?"
"Stabilizing. 90/60 and rising. Oxygen levels coming back up."
She leans over the bed, examining the patient with the careful scrutiny of someone who has exhausted all obvious explanations.
"Wait—" Nurse Torvik moves closer, gently turning the head to reveal the scalp beneath dark hair. "There's more of it."
Dr. Chen frowns, leaning in to see what caught her colleague's attention.
"The white patches. They've spread since this morning."
Sure enough, streaks of white thread through the dark strands, concentrated at the temples but spreading inward—like frost claiming territory on a winter window.
"I've never seen anything like it." The doctor runs a gloved hand through her own hair, frustration evident in the gesture. "We've run every test possible. Cardiac, neurological, metabolic. Nothing explains these episodes or the pigmentation changes."
The room settles into an uneasy quiet as the patient's vitals continue to normalize. Only the gentle beep of the monitor and the soft hiss of the oxygen reassure them that death has been pushed back once more.
"Has anyone been able to identify the patient yet?"
Nurse Torvik shakes her head. "No luck so far. The emergency team found him collapsed near the hospital entrance. No ID, no personal effects that might help us reach family."
"Keep trying. This is the third episode today, and they're getting worse. The heart can't take much more of this."
Another nurse—Martinez, new to the floor—steps forward hesitantly. "Doctor, I've seen something similar in my previous hospital. Maybe we could try—"
"At this point, I'm open to suggestions." Dr. Chen's posture softens slightly.
Martinez produces a small device from his pocket, something that resembles a compact ultrasound wand but with unfamiliar modifications. "It's experimental, but it worked on a similar case."
Dr. Chen's eyebrows rise, but she nods. "Go ahead."
The nurse passes the device over the patient's chest in slow, deliberate movements. The monitor registers no change. He adjusts something on the side, tries again. Nothing.
"I'm sorry, I thought..." He steps back, disappointment evident.
"It was worth trying." Dr. Chen sighs, checking the IV lines. "Maintain the current protocol. I want continuous cardiac monitoring and someone in this room at all times."
As the team begins to disperse, the doctor lingers, staring at the monitor with the frustration of someone watching a puzzle that refuses to be solved.
"Get me those test results again. There has to be something we're missing."
She moves toward the door, pausing to look back at the still form on the bed. The hand nearest to her twitches slightly—small fingers closing into a loose fist, then relaxing. On the monitor above, patterns form that match no known cardiac rhythm she's ever studied.
"And someone find out who this person is. Now."