"No, I'm not talking to you." I give Zaid no expression as I move passed him.
"Give me a chance to explain ay." He's slouching his shoulders walking behind me. "I'm very busy." I have so much on my plate today. 'This to-do list' schedule on my hands won't get done by itself. I write down every thought creating a timetable, as I challenge myself each day, I break out few tasks per day to complete to see my potential capabilities and brain capacity, and If I don't write it down on a list as organised, I'll literally go out of my mind.
Everything needs to be done in a certain pattern or else I'll explode.
"I'm with you, see I showed up here because you asked me to." Zaid frowns.
"Oh thankyou, did your feet hurt coming? Pardon, pardon." I bow to him mockingly.
"Ayat, the children are showing up." The owner of the farm we're at calls me.
I'm volunteering at an agriculture festival down the city near a barn, we're fundraising for orphans who visit here every year when the owner hosts an event where us volunteers help them out in organising. I've been doing it for the past two years now. it's autumn which makes this place even more golden than usual.
The laughters, giggles and chattering of these kids, gives peace to my soul. If only someone could care for us this way when we were young, anyway. I love everything about this place, the tents for the festivals, the golden and rainbow lightnings, the slight whip of coldness against our skin, these flowers, clouds and wooden furnishings. My flowey cottage dress, it's my favourite piece. And most specially- yum!
"It's ready." I speak loudly with enthusiasm for all the kids to hear. Everyone around the barn can smell the fresh apple and cherry pie! I take it out of the oven.
"Be careful there." Zaid can't win my apology yet.
I ignore him and walk outside with my delightful and delicious pies.
"I'd like a piece please." A kid outside, sitting on the bench asks me. "Come on, I'm setting it on the table." I cheerfully wink.
Every kid there runs up, shoving each other aside to sit down on the wooden dinning table under the sun.
"Don't fight you guys!" I tick the glass with a spoon to gather their attention.
"Thank you Ayat!" All of them said in harmony.
Eee! Butterflies in stomach, might explode with overload cuteness in this environment.
"I want a piece, too." Zaid frowns, losens his body as he drops his head down.
I bite back my laugh.
"So you're saying you feel terribly bad for bailing on my brunch?" I cross my arms.
"Yes, yes! I feel terrible."
"Give me a solid reason."
"I uhm."
"Zaid you can't just disappear and show up nearly two months later with your apology." Yeah, shocker, I am upset. "Look, I'm not saying you can't do your own thing, we're adults, I get it, but it wouldn't hurt you to at least drop a text for me to know you're okay." I say, my eyebrows pulled down, I'm very upset.
"You ain't wrong" he says, "You're actually darn at point, it's my fault, I missed it, I'm sorry."
"Okay, I forgive you." I roll my eyes. "But please don't tell me you were at your favourite hide out- what was it again?"
"It's an old under construction buildin." He corrects me. He usually goes there to clear his head.
"But that wasn't it, I promise ay." He says, hesitantly.
"Whatever" I say.
"So you forgive me right?"
"Yeah." I finally give him a smile.
"Oh thankyou ay!" He bear hugs me, tightly and firmly, squeezing me, conveying cheer and protection.
I like that- the feeling of his warmth, the feeling of his arms around me in a cuddle, a soft touch of his body against mine-
He's tall so I'm buried in his chest.
"Okay! I get it you're happy." My voice came out muffled.
"Let's get out of here." He says and a hint of excitement appeared in his eyes.
"I have so much things to tell you." I say.
"Oh I can't wait" He rolls his eyes sarcasticly. "Shut up" I laugh, pushing his elbow.
And just like that-
We were good again, that's how friends are supposed to be.
"Come on, I want to show you somethin" He holds my hand.
"Where to?" I ask.
"It's a dock, it's no further from here."
"A dock?" I raise my brow.
"My personal dock, or lake whatever you darn call it. I know how much you love fishes, I want you to experience that with me first." He says, almost too close to convining me.
"I suppose, my work here is done, I can make time for that." I play hard, because it's fun.
"Good!" He smiles.
-
-
"Ay, is that how you catch a fish?" Zaid whimpers. We reached the dock.
"I don't know" I laugh, I'm already too embarrassed for what happened with Sam the other day, I want to share that with him.
"You seriously need an upgrade." He laughs.
"I don't know, I'm occupied by my thoughts." I sit down on my knees.
This area is Zaid's personal lake that his dad bought for him. I can see the gentle ripples lapping against the shore. "I want to dip myself in that lake, like seriously." I say, groaning in embarrassment.
"Okay mate, let's see you talkin." He leans on his fishing rod. His ankles on one an other.
"I don't want to talk about it." I cross my arms, frowning.
"I better see that mouth spillin." He's wearing a cap, to be saved from the sun maybe, or maybe because he got a buzz cut. I internally laugh.
I say nothing, I pout my lips and look away.
"I'm tellin you ay, whatever it is I can surely get."
"It's been days, Sam didn't come back." I sigh.
"Why does it bother you?" He sits down next to me. "I pointedly remember, you said there's nothing worth keepin from your past." He says in sarcastic skepticism.
"I know." I growl. "It just bothers me." I flare my arms up in the air.
"Why?" He unconsciously brushes dirt off of my shoulder. I turn to see and our eyes met in a sudden movement, golden sun ray glows over our faces. I look down at his arm covered in tattoos, full of it. There's a baby bump of a woman tattood on his bicep. I clear my throat and he moves his hand back. A slight awkward hesitation made him take a step back.
What's that suppose to mean? A baby bump?
"I don't know why." I say.
"There's gotta be somethin." He says.
"Forget about me, why did you brought here? Shouldn't you be doing this with—I don't know, your father maybe?" I say. And He looks away. did I said something wrong?
"He doesn't like to do this with me." He says without looking at me.
"Why?"
"He likes to do it with his dang employees." He's mimicking his father.
"Why employees?" I raise my eyebrows.
"I don't know why—nevermind. Let's haunt sum fishes." He changes the subject, and I won't dig into it either. Everyone have their boundaries.
"Ooo I do love fishes." I rub my hands.
"I know you do." He gives me an affectionate smile and pulls me up.
"Okay what should I do?" I shurg my shoulders back in wonder.
"Grab em." He says.
"It's not easy." I roll my eyes.
He takes a step closer, and stands behind me after handing me a fishing rod. "Throw it back." He says, spreading his arms around me. His hands cover over mine for my practice.
I throw my worm in the lake. "Please be one!" I whisper. Our fingers are intertwining in a tender touch. And I got a hold of it, I grip my hands tightly on the rod. His hands slowly move down from my arms to my waist. "Now if it's a big one, you'll be needin a ton of pressure." His body leans againist my back and my hips clash with his lower abdomen. "I think I got it." I say. The sky seem to be colliding colours, from orange to pink. My rod makes a sound of catching and Zaid pulls my waist to him so that I can have enough power to pull the big fish I caught.
Suddenly his moblie starts to ring aggressively, and he releases my body.
"It got away." I move away from him. I turn around. "Why do you look so red?" I ask.
"Nothin— it's the weather ay." He scratches his neck.
I laugh. "Who's calling you?"
"It's my dad." His voice immediately turned void and sad.
"Pick up." I tell him. My tone comforting.
"Later eh." He shuts his moblie down, and puts it in his pocket.
"Zaid, you know you can always share anything with me." I say.
"I know I can, but some people are better not idolised." He says.
He's right.
The day turned into a pretty evening-
And the beautiful, colourful, sparkly evening turned into night time.
I'm sitting in the passenger seat of Zaid's car.
"Hi- uhm I think we should talk- call me when you get this message." Beep. I sent Aliya a voice mail.
I feel so pathetic- but I can't just end something this quick.
"Who's that."
"Eyes on road Zaid." I don't want to answer him.
"It's Aliya, ain't it?"
"Yes." I melt down in pettiness.
"Don't feel ashamed, it's nice to see people still care."
"I can't end things with her this easily."
"I get it." He parks his car at this viewing spot we go to eat.
I look over at Zaid, he took a tablet out of his pocket and puts it in his mouth, washing it down with water.
"What is that?" I ask because it's weird.
"It's my medicine." He says nonchalantly. I don't ask what medication. It doesn't have anything to do with me, some things are private.
"Ooo I can already smell those ramen" I do a chef's kiss. We always give them the fishes Zaid gathers, and they make it into this wonderful, delicious, delightful ramen bowl, which I can die for! It's that good.
We sit outside, it's on a hill, the whole city is visible from up here, all shimmery and sparkly. Gosh I love this place.
"Two usual." He orders. Even the bistro manager is familiar with us, its an underrated bistro, which is why it's special.
"Where do I even start." I don't know- should I start by telling him my brother shifted or that he's having conflict with Sam- oh not to think about him, I don't know where my feelings would lead me- Besides I already feel like a fool- Sam drew lines, he made it obvious that he doesn't like me back. It's so embarrassing now that he knows I like him.
"Don't be shy, tell me everythin." He loves to gossip, what can I say, he's always been my bestie.
"Yeah so—Remember how I swore on my life I won't fall for him again.."
"That Sam guy? Your brother's best friend?"
"Yeah—I accidentally might have, uhm fallen again." My cheeks flushed in embarrassment.
"It's true when they say—once you like someome there's no goin back." He sighs.
"It was gone I swear! but when I saw him again it's like everything came rushing back!" I tell him, he just laughs it off, avoiding eye contact with me.
"It's so embarrassing to even begin talking about Sam." I cover my face with my hands.
"What did you do now?" He rolls his eyes.
"The thing is—I may have indirectly told him I like him." I only remove two fingers out of my face, enough for my eyes to be seen.
"He basically said he respects Ifan too much to look at me that way." I say, completing.
"That's a nice gesture, I'd say." He takes out his vape.
"Really? You think so? I thought it was foolish." My eyes widens.
"It would've been foolish if you guys didn't shared the same childhood, but it makes sense, you all lived together, Ifan would get a bad impression." He says, he's gotten nonchalant suddenly.
It's men supporting men I guess.
"Ugh" All of a sudden, I feel sluggish and I haven't even begin to eat.
"If he likes you, he'd talk to Ifan." Zaid says.
"That's the thing, he's too focused on his work. I don't think he likes me."
"What is his profession anyway?"
"It's a typical import, export company he works for."
"Uhm."
"What?"
"Nothing, I was thinkin- what's so focusing about this work life."
I sometimes think that, too. But there's more to it- Ifan told me once, he stays there not only because of his work but because he's figuring something out, I can always tell by his eyes- they go deep, deeper than the ocean he carries within him.
"I don't know." I should ask him that.
"I may have a hunch." He leans his head slight forward, giving me his full attention.
"What is it?" I blink.
"You know what's crazy? there's this guy whose name is also Sam. My father adores him, basically more than me." His voice is turning petty.
"You never told me that before." I say.
"I didn't think it was important.. till I saw him at your brunch and I took my steps back."
"So you did came? And left?" My eyes flicker with confusion.
"Yeah because I realised he was the same Sam my father loves."
Oh my God.
"Is your father's name Faisal by any chance?" I ask, legitimately being confused.
"I'm glad you asked. It's true."
"Oh wow-" A gentle gasp escapes my lips. "You never talk about your Father."
"He's not worthy of the lebel." More pettiness appears in his tone.
"Sam says he's a brilliant man." I say. They've been working for him for six years, I met him once when I was sixteen, I don't remember much, all I know is that our town depends on them, and no more than that. I've lived in shadows my whole childhood, captured in a room, locked. I didn't know a thing that happened outside those doors.
"To him, he is." He scoffs in pity.
"I don't get it."
"Wait—are you sure you know what they do for work?"
It's getting annoying, why is he acting like this? Like I'm a fool or something.
"Yeah Zaid, your father owns a company, barn manufacturing where Sam works for him. They transport weed and other seeds, flour, and stuff, I don't know." I don't know why I got frustrated.
"Oh-" for some reason he gives me a smile full of pity and disgust. "The weed part is dang accurate." He disturbingly chuckles.
"Why? What's wrong?" I ask.
"Let me tell you something.." He gives his posture full attention to me. His eyes are red from the vape he smoked. "I hate Sam, to my core, I hate that guy."
Because of his father?
"I don't know how to console you." I smack my lips, unable to understand what's happening.
"I get that you like him. Everybody likes him." He scoffs.
"He's a good guy Zaid." I say, my voice low.
"Ayat—don't justify him, not infront of me please, it upsets me." He's controlling his frustration.
"Okay I won't, I'm sorry." I'm getting a little tensed.
"Don't be."
"I've told you every single thing about my childhood, why don't you ever share yours." I say.
"I don't think anyone will understand how a lavish life can still look like trash." He smacks his lips.
"I will, you just have to try to open up."
"Look Ayat, I love you but please don't ask me about my Father."
"Zaid."
"Please."
"Okay, fine."
He and I remain silent for a minute. But then he takes a deep sigh..
"My mother was pregnant with me, and she didn't make it alive during labour." He inhales "Faisal blames me for it."
"That's awful-"
"I know it is- He gave me all the luxury of a life a person could ever dream for—except for love and respect. I had to beg for him to respect me, he thinks I'm an idiot, a loser who can't stand on his feet. An addict." He clicks his tongue disgustedly "But Sam- oh boy he does it all, he's smart, secure, brave and all of the above, so you can take his side all you want but I won't ever like him."
"I won't take anyone's side- I won't invalidate your pain." I say, consoling him.
"But you still love him, don't you?"
"Zaid, I don't know what you want to hear from me.."
"In the end you'd always love him, and not me."
"Zaid I love you—"
"But do you love me enough to marry me?" He interrupts me.
What?
What did he just say?
"No—what?" My eyes widens. My heart rate dropped.
I.. I uhm I never knew he felt this way..
"You're the bestest friend and—" I hesitantly say.
"And just a friend." His voice low. He's looking down.
I say nothing because it is the truth. Since when did he wanted to marry me? This is so weird, hearing this from him. A confession this dark can never get a yes.
"Would you marry Sam If he asks you to?"
The answer is yes but I don't think I should tell him that, he's already upset.. and getting slighly rude, too.
But honesty is the best policy.
"Yes"
"Then there you go.. it's always fucking Sam who gets it all." He scoffs in mockery, in pain. And a suddan realisation hit me..
It wasn't medicine.. he took a drug.
"Let's get you home." I grab his arm.
"I wanted you to kiss me and tell me how much you love me.." He forces his arm away.
What is wrong with him? He has never once told me he likes me, since when did he wanted me to kiss him and I think I'm having a migraine pain with all the things he's applying.
"You're drunk- let's get you home." I say, and even though something's scaring me, I try to remain calm.
"I want you to love me."
"Zaid, this is not how things work—"
"What will it take for you to love me?"
It's getting out of hands. I try to gently help him get up. "FOR GODS SAKE TELL ME!?" He forces himself away from me but the pressure and power he had, bumps me aside, and my knees hit the ground.
"Oh- I'm sorry, I'm sorry Ayat-" he's muttering, hesitantly.
"You bitch" My Aunt pushes me aside, I hit the ground, and the stitch I already had on my forehead, opens- blood drips down my face. I run sobbingly upstairs.
I blink out of my thoughts, as if the entire surrounding got blurry and a long, narrow, remorseful pause got between us, as if time itself slowed.
"It's okay, its okay don't worry-" A bell rings in my ear-
Did he just p..pushed me?
He helps me get up, but his touch startles me further, I know he's not a bad gguy.. he's my friend.. he would never do anything to hurt me. He wouldn't—He Wouldn't.
My heart is beating so loud—the sudden scream that came out of him had me stunned- I'm trying not to be scared.
But I trust him- he's the longest anyone has ever stayed friends with me.
He wouldn't hurt me, ever.
I stand up, my hands shaking. "I'll go home now, take care." Words came hesitantly out of me because I'm short on breath. I'm scared.
"Ayat please listen to me-"
"We'll talk later." I force a smile, and leave as soon as I could. He wouldn't hurt me- not like my Uncle- not like my Aunt, not like Aliya- I walk down the hill on my feet. A tear falls down my chin.
He wouldn't do that- he wouldn't- he wouldn't.
I lock myself in my car back at the barn. I walked all the way back. Shivering and guessing everything was absent. I rethink all my life choices.
As soon as I lock myself in my car, I burst out in tears, slamming the steering wheel, I cover my mouth with my hands to contain my sobs, but forced raggs escapes from my mouth. Am I that easy to hurt?
Why me? Why always me? Why yet again- me?
I turn on my cell phone to check texts, sniffing.
Oh
OH!
No no no. A flash of memory hit me. After the night at the arcade, I sent Sam some texts, saying, "Can't you give me chance?" Oh no, oh no. It gets even more embarrassing. I asked, "Can't you try to like me back?" I cover my face, this is so embarrassing. How will I face him? I must have peak nerve that night to feel the need to text him. I stomp my feet. "God, no no no" I whimper.
And the worst part is.. he left me on seen.