Hey, folks.
I hope that this -as always- finds you well.
I lost one of my uncles recently, and it has been a tough time in his absence for some of my family.
A weird time.
I learned a lot about many people that I didn't know very well.
That I still don't know them very well...
I didn't grow up around my father's side of my family, as I was either with my mom or in foster care for quite some time.
A big part of me always wondered what it would have been like had I grown up down in Illinois just outside of Chicago, you know?
Had I not been raised by my mother and stepfather in Milwaukee.
I am 36 now lol, I will never know.
But I do have an inkling of what could have been when I look at my siblings who were raised by/him.
It is quite the view, and I am kind of glad that I grew up where I did lbvs.
Bah.
We can't pick our families folks.
BUT you can pick your friends, and form a NEW family if need be.
That is okay.
We have to love our relatives, we don't have to like them.
I was always the black sheep.
The secret.
The shame child...
I grew into and embraced it.
At my uncle's funeral, everyone wore blue and black.
Me?
I wore black and green.
Why?
Because no one told me otherwise.
Weird folks, I tell you.
I was in the group chat...
Bah.
That is neither here nor there lol.
I won't keep you all much longer, I know what you came for!
One last thing: Diddy's lawyer is the same guy who defended Osama bin Ladin...and he just quit.
That says a lot, doesn't it?
Jeffrey Dahmer's lawyer didn't quit.
Ted Bundy's lawyer didn't quit.
This guy would defend a terrorist, but Diddy is a no-go?
What the hell did the dude do!?
Seriously!
Humanity lol, we need to do so much better.
Maybe we will.
Maybe I will just stay in my little corner and keep pumping out poetry and old journal entries for y'all lol.
Enjoy.
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March XX, 2012.
Journal #XXX.
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"Untitled."
Should our swords cross,
What will I see?
Should we come to blows on loves battlefield.
Would that our paths should cross amongst the carnage?
Would your passion scold my armor, see it brittle to your touch?
Could you see yourself in love with me?
Our hearts locked in battle?
-----
"Hmmmm..."
I fear not being accepted by the one I love for who I am...
I fear not waking up in the morning...
I fear falling madly in love with someone who doesn't or will never love me.
I fear contracting a fatal illness...
I fear growing too old to take care of myself...
I fear being killed and no one knowing till my corps is found...
I fear not being able to support myself.
I fear the loss of my parents.
I fear the loss of my close family members.
I fear losing my friends to death or distance.
I fear being disabled.
I fear losing a child, mine or otherwise.
I fear having no place to lay my head.
I'm only human.
Fears are natural.
But I must cut the amount of fears I have.
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Let's unpack lol.
-I am sure that the first "poem" -If I can call it that- was just me musing over the gothic girl that I was fawning over lbvs.
-"Love is a battlefield" is a concept that had always sounded and felt accurate to me, even though I suppose that this would insinuate that it HAS to be painful and violent...
I never thought of it that way.
Wowzers...
-About all of those fears?
Let's revisit lol.
1. Happened. I feel like I was annoying to my exe. I have a weird sense of humor, and I was a teacher for so long that I have a weird, sometimes "childish" dialog as well.
2. I'm still here lol but I do kinda still fear this.
3. Happened. You can't MAKE someone fall in love with you. It has to happen either organically or not all. Never try to convince someone that you are worthy.
4. I hope that I never contract something fatal.
5. I am only 36, I have quite some time before I am "too old." lol.
6. I tend to be rather vigilant, but alas, you never know what you don't know. I watch a lot of true crime shows lbvs. Just be careful out there folks.
7. I will never allow myself to fall to a point where I can't support myself. I would rather die than be homeless.
8. I am not particularly close to my parents, but they are still decent enough folk, and I do love them. I don't care to attend either of their funerals lbvs.
But who does?
Unless you aren't very close to your folk, in that case, I get it.
9. Losing close family is subjective...I am not very close to anyone in particular on either my mother or father's side unfortunately. I would hate for anyone to pass away, but I can't say that this was or is a "fear" of mine. Maybe just not anymore?
10. Happened...I've lost several friends to both death and distance.
By distance I mean like...falling outs or terminations of friendships.
That shit sucks...but it can be very necessary.
A bad friendship can be very toxic folks, burn the bridge.
Trust me.
11. I will always fear being disabled. I am not the strongest, fastest, most attractive, or anything else in my opinion...But I do like the body that the Universe gave me, and just as it is. Especially my hands! I would go crazy if I could no longer write.
12. Happened...my...my godson was taken from me. Murdered. Left in a garbage bin...It was all over the news in Milwaukee, so some of you may have heard about it. That was one of the deepest, hardest pains that I have ever felt...sheesh.
13. This ties into #7 lbvs.
14. So through just being alive, I have either faced or been forced to endure more than a few of the things that I feared most just over 13 years ago.
Life is strange folks.
Wild.
Weird.
Random.
Take it as it comes, and find happiness when and where you can.
The ride is short.
13 years ago I would have never imagined that I would be posting these old journals of mine online for the world to see.
I really wouldn't have imagined that anyone would actually care to read them!
LMAO.
Strange indeed.
Thank you all.
Even in your silence, I see that you return and read along week after week.
I haven't said it in a while, nor have I said it enough, but young me would have really appreciated it.
I will see you all back here soon enough.
Well...should you retain whatever sanity I have yet to steal lol.
Safe travels folks, and as always:
Stay safe.
Stay healthy.
Stay vigilant.
-Redd.