".... Fault."
The sound of someone's wretched sobbing filled the black void. It echoed throughout the darkness, reverberating off of nonexistent walls. The sobs seemed to stretch out for miles.
"Hkkkk. Hkkkk." Sobs so forceful that they racked the body could be heard. They were the only sound within the void. There was nothing else.
Of course, it wouldn't make sense to talk about it in the third person.
Because they were my sobs. I was the one pathetically crying their eyes out.
"It's all....my fault."
Every part of my body hurt. It felt like I had lost whatever it was that kept me grounded in this universe. There was nothing. All of my pillars had crumbled. I had seen the truth, and my mind couldn't take it.
Everything that I thought I knew was wrong. Inside, my heart felt cold. My body was cold, everything was cold. Everywhere I looked, there was darkness.
My own memories had been altered. My father had done it. He was the one who engineered the attack that nearly killed Kami. He did it because of me. He said he didn't have a choice. It was all my fault that it happened. It was on me. I did it. He said I was cursed, that there was something wrong about me. I was naive. It was my foolish beliefs and my own words that lead to this happening. He hurt my mom, and my mom who was hurt, hurt me. She had slapped me. She looked at me with fear in her expression. That moment was the reason she couldn't look me in the eyes anymore. All of it, seen at once, had blown the hinges of my mind, leaving it to crumble.
And I was all alone.
There was no one around that could help me, no one around to help me pick up the pieces of what shattered.
I felt cold. My breaths came out quickly, as if no matter how many breaths I took, I couldn't get enough oxygen in my lungs.
My chest burned from the emotions swirling inside it. It felt like my heart and head were going to explode simultaneously.
I couldn't take it anymore. As I floated through the silence, I just wanted to disappear. To fade away. To be free of whatever was ripping though my body and to be freed from the collapse of my own mind.
"I'm just, hopeless." I muttered to nobody as I allowed myself to fall. I was too tired to struggle.
My mind was too broken.
I myself was too weak.
It would all just slip through my fingers again.
And just like always, I'd find myself staring that cycle right back in the eyes.
My horrible actions hurt someone. I tried to change. I failed. Somone gets hurt again. I hated myself. I hated everything about me.
■■■■■: "No one's coming to help you."
I knew that already. I was all alone. I had nothing and there was no one coming to help me. This would be where it all ended.
■■■■■: You're all alone. But the task in front of you is something that you can't do on your own.
That was right. There was nothing I could do on my own. I just wasn't strong enough to. My hands just weren't big enough, my arms not strong enough, and my own mind not fortified enough to handle this challenge.
■■■■■: So much misfortune. So much trouble. And who's to blame?
Me, I've always been the one to blame. It's always been my fault, and it'll continue to be that way forever. It's my fault for everything.
■■■■■: It's pathetic, isn't it?
I might have laughed to myself.
Of course it was. Of course I was. I was pathetic and would always be pathetic. After seeing the truth, I came to see that better than ever.
■■■■■: Even after all you've seen. You still can't see the truth.
In that moment I felt someone's touch. The coldness that filled my body slowly began to recede, however the brief touch faded as quickly as it had come.
I shivered as soon as the touch faded.
■■■■■: You've seen everything, and yet you still believe the words of the man who caused this. You still blame yourself.
Of course I would blame myself. It was my faul-
■■■■■: A broken record. Repeating the same things over and over again. Trapping themselves in this infinite loop and then claiming that the cycle was inescapable.
"No that's not-" I spoke up this time, trying to refute her claims, however she cut me off mercilessly.
■■■■■: You believe this all started because you were a naive fool. You believe that your very birth was the cause behind everything. No, that's not right. You don't believe that you only believe your fathers words.
"Your wrong. It's because I know. I've seen it all for myself-"
■■■■■: You can only see what your father has led you to believe. He's manipulated you. And you can't break free from his grasp. You can't pull yourself away from what you believe to be "The truth." However, the truth has now been completely shattered. Rewritten. You know the real truth now. Can you still believe the lies you've been told?
"They're not lies." Throughout her speech, I could feel someone's touch for a split second, and then it would fade. Over and over again. A part of me longed for the warmth, while another shied away from the touch. It was like I was being overstimulated.
■■■■■: You're going to die if you don't get up soon. You'll break your promise to Hikaru. You'll leave Kami alone.
"That was inevitable. I can't do it all. I just can't. This was always the kind of person I was. One who hurt others.
■■■■■: And your sister? You'll really leave her behind?
"During my fight with Yuri, he laid out the truth. I'm just to slave to my mission. Kami said the same thing herself."
■■■■■: No. What Yuri was trying to do was knock some sense into you. The fact that you were so angry at his statement shows the exact opposite.
"What happened when Kami got her bruise, I couldn't help her. She had to go to Suijin to truly talk about what had happened!" I argued desperately, my voice beginning to rise. My throat was beginning to grow dry from the shouting, but I didn't stop. I couldn't I needed to prove her wrong.
But why? Why was I so hellbent on making sure that she was wrong? Was it because deep down inside, I had already realized that what she was saying was right. But if what she was saying was right, then I truly had no idea who I was.
I wasn't Raiden Chisaki. I wasn't myself. I was just a personality that happened to enter this body. Seeing my memories had reminded me of how bright, hopeful, and ambitious that Raiden used to be.
I was nothing like that. I wasn't the same Raiden. It just wasn't possible. And if Everything that she was saying was true, that meant I was a fake. That I was the wrong one. That I didn't belong. That my very existence was a mistake.
And that meant that once the real Raiden began to return, I would die. I would fade away, just like I had never existed.
And internally, I didn't want to die.
So, I argued desperately against everything she was saying. With ever growing second, the cold ate at my body even more.
"You don't know me at all! I know myself better than anyone! I'm weak! I'm useless. I'm-"
■■■■■: You don't know you at all Raiden. You don't have a single idea as to who you are. You can try to piece it all together, but you can't. And now, you mind is going to shatter because of it. You can only cling to the words of your father, because they're the only true memories that you have. Everything else has been distorted.
"That's because those words were right! They were the truth about me that I refused to see at the time!"
■■■■■: You're wrong. You can't seem to see it because it would mean your wrong. Raiden is someone who is cared about. That's evident in Kami, your mom, even your own father in some twisted way.
Scenes began to play in my head. My mom's lullaby. Kami's admiring gaze.
"Your wrong your wrong! Cared about is lie!"
■■■■■: Raiden is someone who can make others happy. You're outing with Hikaru, the memories you shared with Kami, everything that Yuki feels for you.
Hikaru's smile. My own enjoyment. The Warmth I felt. The ocean. Yuki's caring gaze.
"I'm only capable of bringing hurt! Of bringing pain to others! My actions only end in me and someone else getting hurt, and I'm shallow!"
My throat was raw from all of the screaming.
■■■■■: Raiden is more than just his lowest moments and his shame. Raiden is a person beyond his vaults. Raiden Chisaki deserves to live.
Images of me on the beach with blood dripping down my arm, of me inside of my room with blood dripping, images of Eve.
I could scream no longer.
"It's all a lie. They're lies. All of it."
■■■■■: Then lie Raiden. All your life, you've been lied to. Manipulated. Taken advantage of. Your autonomy has been ripped from your grasps. So, take it back. Lie like they lied to you. Tell yourself lies, because even if you can't believe them, you can use them. Use the lies to get back on your feet. Even if you can't believe them, I will. So, lie Raiden. Lie to love yourself."
My entire body was vibrating.
"But, but, if Raiden is found, then what happens to me?" My voice began to break. "Where do I go? The one that took his place after his memories where taken? What happens to me? I don't want to die either."
I began to curl into a ball. Was there even an "I"?
And in that moment, I felt the warmth of someone's embrace. Arms wrapped around me from behind.
"You are Raiden."
"No-"
■■■■■: "You are Raiden. You are part of Raiden. But in order to truly become Raiden, you must kill the other. Forsake the Raiden who can't even look himself in the eyes. Who can't even look his own sister in the eyes. Forsake the Raiden who isn't human. Toss him aside. Kill him. Bury him. And form yourself, anew."
In that moment, I could feel it. The split between my soul. There were two. Both parts were Raiden. So which one would need to die?
"It doesn't matter. No matter what. My mind will end up broken in the end. I will end up broken."
"Shhhhhhh." She began to stroke my hair.
■■■■■: That won't happen. Because I'm here. I'll be there for you. To do what you can't. You've been working so hard for so long. Putting so much on your shoulders. Going through so much alone, without telling anybody. You've done it all alone. But now pass it on to me. Allow me to take the load you've been carrying for so loud. Allow me to take it all. Free your burdened shoulders. And when you fall, I'll be there for you again. No matter how many times you fall back, no matter how many times you lose and want to give up, I'll be there to catch you. I'll always be right behind you Raiden. I'll be your new support. I'll take the place of the pillars of your mind. Whatever you can't solve, just turn to me. Whenever you feel overwhelmed, turn to me. Whenever the very grandeur of it all feels too much for you to handle, turn to me, and I'll be right there for you, ready to tackle it for you. I'll always be there. And when you feel like your mind is going to shatter, and your pillars are going to fall, then don't worry. Let them fall. Let them crumble. I will build them again for you. I'll build them anew. Should you ever begin to feel crushed by the wait, let me help you. Just because your mind breaks easily, doesn't mean you can't piece it back together. Let your mind shatter, let it break. Then piece it back together. Again, and again. Return, and fight, and cry, and then win. Again, and again. Let your mind shatter and pick up the pieces. Even if you lose some in the process, what does it matter. Just build it back newer and better. Take my hand. Raiden. Kill the past.
In that moment, I took her hand. I let her words brainwash me, because it hurt to much to think for myself. I let all of her promises fill my mind.
And I took her hand.
She pulled me closer, until our faces were inches part.
■■■■■: Good boy.
She pulled my closer, and her lips brushed against mine.
At the same time, I felt a sword pierce my body. I grabbed the blade. But instead of pulling it back, I pulled it in deeper. Allowing it to pierce me. It wasn't real, but it felt just like someone had stabbed me through. I felt something leaving me, fading away. The negative thoughts, the hate. It slowly began to fade.
■■■■■: Kill the past. And welcome the future.
And for the first time, I thought,
Maybe I can.