The phone slowly slipped from my fingers, clattering on the floor. "Andrew?"
My brother's voice, on the other end of the line, sounded flat, distant. "Andrew! Pick up the phone!"
I put my back to the wall, slowly sliding down, till I hit the floor. "I'm here."
My voice sounded hollow, weak. My breaths were slow, ragged. My mouth felt dry, like sand. "Andrew… I'm sorry…"
The words hit like a hammer. I sucked in air. Nothing, emptiness. My eyes quickly blurred, a single tear making a furrow in the dust caking my face. It sounded so laughable.
"The plane… no one survived…" Trevor's voice seemed far way again, fading in and out.
I'd… my name had been on that manifest… I was… my head fell into my hands. Around me I could hear the headquarters come to a stop. The bustle of voices, the clamor of activity dying away.
My breathing sounded too loud, raspy… a low whistle with each inhale. More fell, I wiped at my face, but more fell directly, small splotches staining the carpet.
"Andrew… Do you want me to send her back?" Trevor sounded genuinely sad, his voice heavy.
"If… you could." I choked on the words. Quiet sobs wracking my frame as I shook like a frail leaf.
"I'll get her on the next plane… I'll… be in touch." The line went dead, the soft beep of a call ending quickly faded. Someone knelt next to me.
"Komandant, let's get you to your office…" a pair of hands helped me to my feet, walked me down the hall and to my office, I heard the muted clamor return as I was ushered into my office.
I slumped into my desk chair, tears still streaming from my eyes. There was a single picture on my desk. There we were, happily beaming outside the courthouse, the certificate held between us. She looked so happy, her smile infectious. Gone…
"Sir, what's wrong?" I knew the voice, but with my vision as tear stained as it was… I tried speaking, but only quiet gasps came out.
I slowly reached for the photo, cradling it tightly. Oh… it should have been me… why? Why was it her? What did I do wrong?
"Oh… ehmmm… I'm sorry sir…" Siska's voice got progressively quieter. The GeneralMajor of 2.PanzerDivision watched quietly as Andrew slowly collapsed in on himself.
Tears streamed down his face, silent sobs wracked his body. He quaked and trembled, stroking his little portrait. It wasn't long before Siska noticed a wet drop on her hand. She glanced down, seeing the small glistening bubble. Slowly more joined them.
She'd spoken with the Kommandant's wife once. She'd hadn't even noticed who it was at first. She'd looked like any other volunteer that had offered to feed the troops on their recovery day. They'd had a brief chat, she'd been so kind, encouraging her to keep her spirits up.
She looked back to Andrew. He seemed hollowed out, like a shell. Siska stood, walking over to the small cabinet on the side. She took one of the water bottle he left, opened the cap and placed it before him. "Andrew, drink… please."
He looked up, his eyes puffy, shot through with red. Dried rivers stained his face, and his voice was hoarse. "It'll only make me cry more."
"Sir… please…" I pleaded. I pushed the bottle closer to him. He reached for it, hand trembling, water sloshed onto his hand as he took it. A small sip, then it was back on the desk.
"I should… go home…" he said quietly. He looked so… lost… aimless. No, he couldn't… not yet.
"Sir, I'll…" I started.
"Tell Ivan… I can't… not today… anymore…" he whispered, looking at me. There was no life in those eyes. I felt a flash of fear race through me.
"Sir, you're coming with me." I insisted firmly, intercepting him at the door. He didn't say anything as I lead him to the elevator and then outside to my truck. He climbed into my passenger seat without a word as I grabbed my phone while I started the truck.
"Yes Colonel, it's me… I know it's late… it's important… no, more important than that! Post a guard at the Colonel General's residence, no one enters! Get another detail to my apartment… no, no! … Yes I have him with me. No! Just get it done Hanz!" I hung up with a flash of anger, I glanced over at Andrew, he was listlessly staring out of the window, nothing not even the saluting soldiers we drove past seemed to snap him from his reverie.
I got out of the car at the bottom of the apartment building, and several soldiers greeted me as I helped Andrew out of the car. A single look at the general and they went silent. They gave me silent nods and escorted us into the building, clearing the halls to my room.
I fumbled with my keys, but opened the door and ushered him inside as a pair of soldiers took up guard outside my door and the rest started patrolling the apartment.
I had the general sit on the couch. I started rifling through the freezer, there had to be something in here… a microwaveable meal… something…
The sound of metal on wood froze my blood. I slowly straightened, seeing Andrew's lifeless eyes as he stared at the serrated edge of the knife he'd drawn from the knife block. He was on the opposite side of the counter. "Sir…"
"It would be so simple…" he spoke quietly, his voice surprisingly steady.
"Sir, look at me…" I spoke softly. Slowly easing my eyes towards him.
"What's the point?"
"She's… my life…"
"Kommandant… please… put it down." The blade quivered in his hand, his lifeless eyes reflecting perfectly in the steel blade.
"Why go on living?" I sprang between him and the knife, wrapping my arms tightly around him.
"Let go Siska… let me join her…" his voice was soft, desperate. Something call at me, to let him. But I squeezed harder, I wasn't going to let him go.
"No… I can't do that." I mumbled into his chest, he shook like a leaf, it felt like I was supporting his weight as much as he was. Like he was on the precipice.
"I don't… I can't do it anymore…" his voice broke.
"I'll be here. As long as it takes." I replied. Was it seconds? Minutes? The knife clattered to the floor as tears wetted my hair.
"I'm sorry… I…" he sputtered.
"It's okay… it's alright…" I murmured softly as he slowly drifted. Exhaustion final claimed him. I groaned, slowly dragging him to my spare room, laying him in the bed. I took off his boots and unbuttoned his shirt. But even asleep he tossed and turned, silent sobs wracking him. I stopped, letting him be as I retreated to my kitchen. My phone buzzed.
"Muller speaking."
"Muller, this is Ivanov, you have him?"
"He's in my guest room, he's… not doing well…" I bent down to pick up the knife from the floor.
"Do you need me to send anyone?"
"I should be able to handle it tonight… listen… I ordered a guard detail at his home…"
"Understood, I would have done the same. Muller… don't leave his side, I heard it was bad…"
"I wasn't planning to, not until he's sound again."
"Okay, I'll have a detail bring you two food and laundry, some books… anything you think either of you two need. Let me or Ivan know."
"I will."
"Thank you, I'll call tomorrow." Ivanov ended the call. I slowly put the knife in the block. I glanced at the closed door. Andrew…