I sat up. "What happened?"
Rick groaned. "Turns out… the stone's power isn't exactly 'plug and play.'"
"No kidding," I said. "What did you find out?"
Rick sighed, slumping into a chair. "Well, good news—it's not from this universe."
"And the bad news?"
Rick's eyes darkened. "It's not from any universe. The energy signature isn't tied to any known origin. It's like it spawned at the beginning of the world."
I narrowed my eyes. "Older than the Big Bang?"
Rick nodded. "Yeah. We're talking primordial shit. Like, 'before-time' levels of old." This is concerning.
I crossed my arms. "So what happens if we keep messing with it?"
Rick's eyes glinted. "Only one way to find out."
I groaned. "Oh god."
Rick pulled the stone out of his pocket. "Ready for round two?"
"No," I said.
Rick grinned. "Too bad."
Jerry screamed. Rick pointed the stone at Jerry, seemingly commending it for doing something. The result: nothing, absolutely nothing happened. I could hear crickets making noise in the silence of the room. Jerry for one thing calmed down and was looking around like an idiot. Rick frowned at the stone in his palm, hitting it with his palm as if that would suddenly make it work. "C'mon, you little cosmic turd, do something!"
I leaned back, crossing my arms. "Rick, I don't think hitting it like it some TV remort is gonna—"
Before I could finish, the Philosopher's Stone pulsed violently, emitting a deep, guttural hum that rattled the walls of the Smith family garage. The lights flickered, the air grew thick with static, and suddenly, the stone cracked open.
"You were saying?" Rick looked at me patiently waiting for my answer. I just rolled my eyes and raised my arms in defeat.
"I didn't think hitting a primordial cosmic stone would make it work," I said, honestly what is up with half of the invention that goes on in here? We got the primordial stone, literally multiversal power machines, and not one of them thought of making it damage-resistant. Really? I need to add that to all my inventions from now on. While I was busy in my musing Rick said
"No matter what it is? Whether something as mundane as a coffee maker machine or some comic deity tech hitting it is always the solution." Rick said, for once he sounded like an old grandpa.
"Haha, Rick you sound like an old grandpa in Disney movies," Jerry said, Rick glared at him.
"I mean you kinda do man," I said in defense of what I believe is right, Rick exploded with anger and said
"Listen here you little shithead, I am not an old grandpa for a fact I am not even 1/100 of the life I have left. As for you (pointing at Jerry), if you don't shut up I will turn you into a Disney princess and let the 30-year-old prince fuck a poor 19-year-old princess. Wait, that is impossible anyways your so fucking useless that even with my intelligence. I can't come up with one device that can make you useful"
Dame, Jerry got roasted in the sun man. That some cosmic fire roast, Jerry whimpered into his corner. Poor guy man, I sympathize with him the only crime he committed was being and wanting normality in an abnormal family. I don't even think that he would come back to Mom if I were to give him confidence and just a little bit of skill.
A swirling mass of crimson energy erupted from within, forming a tear in reality itself. A gaping, unstable portal yawned before us, its edges lined with golden alchemical runes that shifted erratically. On the other side, a dark void stretched endlessly, stars blinking in and out of existence like they weren't sure if they should even be there. Jerry, who had finally calmed down, took one look and screamed again. "I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS—"
"Shut up, Jerry," Rick and I said in unison.
Rick smirked. "Okay, now we're talking."
I sighed, rubbing my temples. "Rick, do you even know what you just did?"
Rick shrugged. "Dunno. Maybe opened a rift to an alternate dimension where everyone's made of ham? Maybe I just pissed off an interdimensional warlord. Either way, this is way better than nothing happening."
I sent a scout robot into the swirling vortex, watching on a screen as something on the other side moved. The darkness shifted, and a shape emerged. It was humanoid—tall, lean, and wrapped in what looked like cosmic fire. Its eyes burned with eldritch knowledge, and when it spoke, its voice was layered, echoing across time itself.
"WHO. DARES. WIELD. THE STONE?"
Jerry shrieked and hid behind a chair. Rick just grinned wider. "Name's Rick. Rick Sanchez. And you are?"
The entity tilted its head. "YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE TOUCHED, DO YOU?"
Rick leaned against the workbench. "Buddy, I barely know what I touched when I was born. Now, are you gonna monologue at me, or do you have something interesting to say?" Rick, fuck you man. Why do you always have to piss off cosmic deities can you, not piss off galaxies or something, someone on our level, not some random being as old as time?
I for one, ain't a coward like Morty but come on man. Can I get a fucking break around here? Every day you bring new trouble, I mean I do enjoy it but you are kinda overdoing it now.
The figure stepped forward, and the temperature in the room dropped several degrees. "THE STONE WAS NEVER MEANT FOR MORTALS. IT IS A KEY TO WORLDS BEYOND YOUR UNDERSTANDING. YOU HAVE UNLOCKED SOMETHING YOU CANNOT CONTROL."
"What with a generic ass monologue here? If it is a key beyond my current understanding then why don't you teach me how to use it? Also why the fuck is it in some random universe in the first place? Like bro if it is that important, you know can you place it in a bank? I recommend Switzerland, it pretty secure over there." I said in annoyance there was silence from the other side before he spoke again.