A/N: I am not a love guru, but hopefully, it all sounds like good advice.
~~~~
Spider-Man couldn't help but scratch his head as standing in front of him, on a floating whiteboard covered in glittery red marker, was… himself. Except smaller. Chibi-sized. Cute. Wearing a cape made of webbing. And holding a scale like an angry tuition teacher.
The whiteboard stated "HOW TO RECOGNIZE BITCHES: A SURVIVAL GUIDE FOR TRAGIC HEROES"
Peter squinted. "...What the hell?"
Chibi-Spidey slapped the board with the scale "Eyes up here, Webhead! Class is in session!"
"Wha—wait, who are you? Why do your eyes have bulbs?"
"Focus, Peter. I'm the enlightened version of you. Chibi form. Cosmic wisdom. Cute enough for merchandise, smart enough for TED Talks. I've seen every heartbreak you've been through across the multiverse, and trust me…" His eyes glowed ominously. "You're the problem and the victim."
Peter raised an eyebrow. "... Isn't that contradictory?"
"Shhh." Chibi-Spidey hit a remote. The board changed:
Lesson 1: If She Says "It's Not You, It's Me"... IT'S YOU. BUT ALSO HER.
Peter sighed. "Okay, I don't think—"
"Shut up!. When you became Spider-Man, did you enter any relationships?"
"I was kinda busy with school and a part-time job and, y'know, saving New York, so—"
"WRONG ANSWER." Chibi-Spidey slammed a comically oversized red buzzer that appeared out of nowhere. "You did. And they were all disasters!"
He snapped, and a slideshow began:
-MJ ghosted him mid-swing.
-Gwen smiling… then vanishing into the mist.
-Felicia Hardy disappeared with his wallet and his web-shooters just after he talked about his financial issues as Spiderman.
-Emma Frost brainwashing his girlfriend to break up.
Peter stared. "Is this really necessary?"
"Oh, we are just getting started."
Lesson: If She's Into You After You Save Her From a Supervillain—It's Not Love. It's Trauma-Bonding.
"Wow," Peter muttered. "That's... harsh."
"Harsh is you crying over voicemail while eating expired Aunt May's wheatcakes."
A final slide popped up:
Lesson 3: If She Calls You 'Tiger' Before You Have Even Shared a Coffee—RUN.
"Okay, now that's just mean."
"Peter." Chibi-Spidey put a tiny hand on Peter's shoulder. "You deserve love. Real love. Not the 'hey sorry I kissed you last night, but I'm actually dating your clone who''s secretly your dead best friend' kind of love."
Peter blinked. "...That's happened?"
"MULTIPLE. TIMES."
Suddenly, a pixelated glitch in Chibi-Spidey. For just a second—just a nanosecond—Peter could see the blocky texture in the chibi-spidey.
Chibi-Spidey reappeared on his shoulder like an anime sidekick with boundary issues. Now wearing a lab coat and glasses, he held a floating holographic screen.
"Lesson 4: Trust, But Also Spy—Introducing the Relationship Loyalty System!" he announced with the enthusiasm of a tech startup CEO.
"A what now?" Peter asked, already regretting everything.
Chibi tapped the screen. A UI popped up in mid-air like an RPG overlay, showing:
[Felicia Hardy - Loyalty: 36% | Relationship Type: Feral Flirtation / Bitch.
Type: Would date Peter Parker and Spider Man at the same time. And gets upset with Peter if he is late because, as Spiderman, he was stopping Black Cat from doing a robbery, and she stole his Web-Shooters, again.]
"What if I told her that I am Spider-Man?"
[She will break up with you because you kept a such big secret from her. (She doesn't know you know about her secret identity) And then she will sell you to any villain of yours who pays a big price enough as revenge for ignoring her. (Not being her pet for 24X7)]
"She is not that cruel!" Peter instinctively protested.
[Yeah then she will feel guilty—]
"Yeah, she was just misguided! She will then save me," Peter instantly agrees.
[-because Aunt May was killed by Green Goblin after he learned your real identity while experimenting on you.]
"Bitch!" Peter curses as he receives fragmented memories of his alternate version.
"Yeah, she is a bitch, you simply simped after her for no reason! There ARE MUCH MUCH BETTER girls out there than her," Chibi Spidey said as he slapped Peter's head with his little hand
[Mary Jane Watson - Loyalty: 74% | Status: "I Love You... Now That You're Spidey"]
[Gwen Stacy (From Earth-65) - Loyalty: 89% | Currently being kidnapped (again)]
[Ursula Ditkovich - Loyalty: 92% | Status: 'Bakes You Cookies.']
[Sophia Sanduval "Chat" - Loyalty: ??? | Status: ???]
Peter blinked. "Wait—Ursula?! From across the hallway?!"
'Bro, she gave you rent extensions AND cookies," Chibi-Spidey said, crossing his arms. "That's more love than MJ gave you pre-mask. Just saying."
Peter groaned. "You make me sound like a reality show contestant."
"You are. It's called: 'Spider-Man: Heartstrings & Web-Slings', airing Wednesday across the multiverse."
"…I think I need therapy."
Chibi-Spidey smiled mischievously. "You get therapy when you stop trying to date girls who want to date Spider-Man but not Peter Parker."
Peter looked at the Relationship Tracker screen again, now flashing a small ad in the corner:
"Upgrade to Premium to unlock 'Will She Kill Me?' Warnings"
He sighed. "Do I have a choice?"
Chibi-Spidey grinned evilly. "Nope. You accepted the Terms & Conditions when you got bit by that spider."
~~~~
Honestly, I am always dissatisfied with how easily Black bitch and similar characters are forgiven by authors, though the Ultimate Spider-Man MJ is a good girl.
Sorry for the short chap.