Sitting down certainly wasn't a very good way to sleep. My neck was sore, my back ached, and my fatigue didn't go away, leaving me feeling completely drained.
…I hate to admit it, but I was too emotional yesterday.
It's true, but… I don't think I could do it again with a sober mind.
And it wasn't just my brother who got drunk.
I got up to shake off the hangover lingering in my head. I'd stolen about half the blanket in my sleep, so I draped it back over my brother and took a quick shower. After changing my clothes and drying my hair with a towel, I came out to find my brother awake, clutching the blanket.
"You're awake?"
"…Good morning."
My brother was holding his head, clearly in pain. That's what happens when you drink several cans of beer. Maybe I should warn him not to go to drinking parties when he starts college. Wait, what am I even saying?
"Do you want breakfast?"
"…Yeah."
He buried his head in the blanket and nodded slightly. Come to think of it, he'd said some pretty strange things last night. I guess alcohol really does bring out the unexpected.
"…Brother."
"Yeah?"
"…Thanks for yesterday."
His voice was so quiet I almost missed it.
"…I just wanted you to know."
I lowered my head and wiped the remaining water from my hair. It was still short, so a towel was enough to dry it.
It had been a while since I'd made breakfast. The kimchi fried rice wasn't anything special, but knowing it was my first morning after being discharged made it feel meaningful. The only downside was that I'd used instant rice.
"Kim Winter, come out."
"Eat first. I'll dry my hair and join you."
I heard my brother's voice over the sound of the hair dryer. It would probably take him a while. To make up for the simplicity of the meal, I quickly boiled some egg custard.
"…Eat first."
"Kimchi fried rice actually tastes better when it cools down a bit."
As I waited, my younger brother walked out, his hair tied back.
…Why is he growing his hair out like that when he's an exam student? He had short hair when I enlisted. Maybe it's because I've been away, but he looked pretty stressed.
"This is the first time I've eaten rice made by you that wasn't instant ramen."
"Mom's cooking is still the best."
It was the kind of home-cooked meal I'd missed during my military service. Even though I was discharged, I hadn't had the chance to enjoy it until now.
"Brother, you cook better than I expected."
"That's because I used Mom's kimchi."
As we ate in silence, the plate was soon empty. I was scraping the last bits of fried rice from the pan when my phone vibrated. At this hour, it was obviously Mom calling.
"Hello?"
"Yes, son. Are you awake?"
"Yeah. I'm having breakfast with Winter."
"How is Winter?"
"…I put him to bed right after we got back. He seems a little better now."
No matter how understanding Mom was, I felt a pang of guilt for not telling her what had happened yesterday. Aunts, uncles, cousins—they were all staying up all night at the mortuary, while the grandchildren were at home drinking beer? That's a secret I'd take to the grave.
"Good. I'm glad."
"Do you want to talk to Winter?"
"…Sure."
I switched the phone to speaker mode and placed it in front of my brother. He opened his eyes and looked at me, so I gestured toward the phone. He started speaking.
"Hello, Mom?"
"Yes, sweetie. Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine. How about you, Mom?"
"I'm fine too."
"…Are you really okay?"
"As long as you're okay, Mom doesn't need to worry."
You don't seem too worried about your son, huh? Of course, technically, I'm still a soldier, but it's a little embarrassing.
"Mom, don't stay up too late, okay?"
"Alright. Are you coming back after dinner?"
"Probably."
"Okay. Be careful on your way."
"Your brother's driving, so make sure he's careful."
"Anyway, take care of yourself."
"Okay."
With that, the call ended.
…If this was going to happen, couldn't she have just called Winter directly? Ever since I got discharged, it feels like I've been treated worse.
"…We finished eating, so let's get ready and go."
"Okay."
I put the dishes in the sink and changed back into the mourning clothes I'd taken off yesterday. They were rentals, so I hadn't washed them, which made them a little uncomfortable, but there was nothing I could do about it. At least I'd changed my underwear.
"Hey, are you ready?"
"Oh, wait."
After changing, my brother started taking deep breaths.
…What is he doing?
"What are you doing?"
"Preparing myself mentally."
"…What kind of mental preparation?"
"I'm about to see Grandma for the last time."
Sometimes… I wonder if my brother is actually three years older than me. For a high school senior, he's surprisingly sensitive. When he says things like that, he sounds so mature.
"…I'm ready. Let's go."
"Okay."
"Oh, did you bring your handkerchief?"
"Why a handkerchief?"
"We're going to cry."
"Even if I cry, I can just wipe my tears with my hands. Do I really need a handkerchief?"
Seeing Grandma lying in her coffin would make anyone cry. But… do we really need to prepare that much?
As it turned out, no handkerchief was needed. Instead, my gloves were soaked. My mask was also dirty, so I changed it for a new one. After crying until I was exhausted, I realized it was already dawn. Even now, if I let my guard down for even a moment, I feel like I might burst into tears.
"Okay, listen to me."
"You didn't even listen to me."
The mortuary was dim, lit only by the glow of incense. Only my brother and I were still awake, our eyes wide open. At least I'd gotten the most sleep. I'd planned to take some time alone to calm my emotions, but that plan was ruined thanks to my brother, who refused to go home even though I'd offered to take him.
"Why did you really stay?"
"Just… I thought it would be more comforting here than being alone at home."
Seriously, sometimes I can't tell if he's clueless or just too perceptive.
"What's comforting about this place?"
"Because all the people I care about are here."
…At times like this, he sounds so grown-up.
"Mom, Grandma, aunts, uncles, older cousins…"
He counted his family members, folding his fingers one by one. Then he pointed at me with his last remaining index finger.
"And… you."
"Why am I included?"
"It's been a while since I've seen you, so it's a little awkward."
My brother's eyes crinkled as he smiled.
…Where did he learn to tease his older brother like that? Probably from Mom.
"Still, after all the effort you put in yesterday, I'll include you."
"Thanks a lot."
Leaving my giggling brother behind, I stood up. The incense was burning low, so I lit another stick and placed it in the holder. The scent wasn't too strong through the mask.
"Aren't you uncomfortable?"
"It's a little hot."
"It's not like anyone's visiting right now, so if you're feeling stuffy, take off your jacket."
"Really?"
My brother pulled down his mask and took off his black jacket.
…I thought the mask was covering his face, but he just tossed it aside. He was wearing a T-shirt underneath, so it didn't matter.
"It's kind of cool."
"That's because it's a cool outfit."
"I like this T-shirt."
"I see."
It was a black R.O.K.A. T-shirt with a studded collar. I remembered buying it around this time last year.
"It's black, so it doesn't stain easily."
"Isn't it more that you just don't notice the stains?"
"That's it. And it's comfortable too."
As if to show off how comfortable he was, he stretched out. Then, grabbing his leg, he groaned and fell to the side.
"Hey, are you okay?"
"My leg… It's cramping…"
Of course, your legs go numb if you suddenly stretch after sitting cross-legged for so long. Seeing him like this, I realized he still had a bit of a clumsy side.
"Where does it hurt?"
"My calf…"
"…Want me to massage it?"
"Yeah…"
My brother pulled up his skirt to expose his knees. I carefully massaged his calf over his stocking. His legs were soft but had a rough texture, which felt strange.
"Does it still hurt?"
"…"
No answer, just a nod. Occasionally, he let out a soft groan of pain.
"…Stop."
"Are you feeling better now?"
"It's fine, stop… Please."
His face didn't look fine at all, but he seemed to have recovered enough to move. Seeing him sweating with his ears red, it must have been painful. His bangs were slightly damp.
"Are you okay?"
"…You squeezed too hard."
"Hey, I was gentle."
"…It's your fault."
He hit me lightly on the forearm.
That's unfair.
I was just trying to help.
"…Ah."
"Hmm…"
"…Eul."
Ugh.
My sleep was interrupted by the familiar sensation of someone whispering in my ear. I quickly checked my watch—it was 4:52 a.m. I must have dozed off for about ten minutes.
"Ah… Brother."
"Let's switch. There's a bed in the next room. Go sleep there."
"Sorry."
"It's fine. The incense is still burning, so you haven't been asleep long."
"You should sleep too."
"I've slept enough. Take your little sister to bed."
When I turned my head, I saw my brother sleeping with his nose pressed against my shoulder. Why did he have to lean on me?
"…Okay. Hey, Kim Winter. Wake up."
"…Huh…?"
I shook him gently with my other hand. He rubbed his face against my forearm and then opened his eyes.
"Ah… What time is it?"
"5:00 a.m."
"…I want to sleep."
"There's a bed over there. Go sleep there."
"Okay…"
Still half-asleep, I helped my brother up as he clung to my arm. Somehow, I managed to guide him to the bedroom without tripping. I dumped my clingy brother onto the bed, and he immediately fell asleep.
…My back hurts.
Ugh, I don't know.
Honestly, I'm so sleepy I can't stand it. I pushed my brother, who was lying on his stomach and breathing heavily, to the side to make room for myself.
Just a moment…
Let me close my eyes for a second.
Just a moment…