With the phone call finally over, she stretched, letting out a sigh of relief, then grabbed the remote. Scrolling through endless options, she searched for something exciting—maybe a new anime series or a celebrity announcing their OnlyFans account, like Steve Buscemi or Keanu Reeves—to sink into for the evening…. That would certainly be quite 'breathtaking.'
Another comment pops up on the phone criticising her fanfic: "Okay, seriously, how are Brad Bloodblade and Raven Bloodrose having wild vampire sex every single day?? Vampires lose their genitals when they're turned… Hello, mannequin smooth bulge down there—so these spicy scenes are straight-up impossible. Sorry,
And don't get me started on the drinking her own period blood thing instead of killing people to get the blood. I get it's supposed to be all "women's empowerment" and "embrace your flaws," but… ew, no. It's just gross. Imagine how much edgier Raven would be if she were out there slaying bad guys and sipping their blood like a total badass instead. Periods are just human nature, not some flaw to flex.
Oh, and how is she even having a period? Vampires don't bleed like that. I double-checked the wiki, so yeah, I'm pretty sure that's more research than the author did."
Elise groaned, rolling her eyes. "Urgh, another one of these hater clowns!! It's fantasy, people!! It's not real life… It doesn't have to make sense! It's made up! Completely, totally, and entirely fake!! A story! A work of fiction! Something someone imagined and wrote down! It's not a documentary, not a history book, not some scientific study… It was a story! A made-up story!!"
She fired back in her signature style:
"SHUT IT, HATER! I'M A REAL-LIFE VAMPIRE, SO I KNOW WHAT'S DOWN THERE—AND IT'S NOT SOME LAME BULGE! MY BOYFRIEND'S A VAMPIRE TOO, SO YOU CAN SUCK MY VERY REAL, VERY NON-MANNEQUIN BULGE, PUSSY, YOU JEALOUS BITCH! XOX"
That would show her, she thought proudly.
And now for the cherry on top. She switched to her alternate account—one of her many sock puppets—"RavenBloodroseIsMyQueen666," where nobody had any idea it was her. She browsed the commenters' profiles, checking what they had published.
A childish book about snakes called "Python Coding for Dummies"? With some digital baby green snake on the cover with the quote "Unlock the code that makes the world move—Python holds the key" It already sounded like a trash novel without even reading it. Smirking, she prepared to write her review—until she saw the message: "To leave a review, you first need to be a valid buyer."
That sucked, but she needed her revenge. She looked at the versions of the novel for sale and only saw the $200 Premium Edition—a hardcover with a gold foil cover, a holographic version of the green snake, gold-printed pages with gilded edges, a silk ribbon bookmark, premium quality paper, an embossed title, and a decorative slipcase with a foil-stamped spine.
She clicked "buy" repeatedly, her frustration making her press too quickly, and the website lagged in response. In the end, she accidentally bought 10 copies—but she didn't care. Her anger consumed her as she furiously clicked even faster on the order page, determined to submit the review before her thoughts slipped away. She skimmed through a digital copy of the book quickly, and now it let her submit her review… She cracked her knuckles in anticipation and got to it:
★☆☆☆☆ Nonsense from start to finish
"A talking snake? Seriously? This 'novel' is an absolute mess. The plot is all over the place, the characters are flatter than a nun's butt, and the dialogue makes no sense. The paper feels cheap and is too yellow, the ink is too black, and I swear the whole thing reads like it was written by a random word generator."
Save your money. Unless you enjoy books where the main character is a snake that won't shut up talking riddles and code… Not recommended! XoX"
She instinctively added the XoX—the kisses and hugs—automatically out of habit.
She clicked "SUBMIT" on her review and now felt better about herself.
Now it was time to relax. To make Elise feel better about herself, she liked to watch videos and look at pictures uploaded to the Waifu Wonderland Immersive Edition Hall of Shame website.
Waifu Wonderland Immersive Edition is all the rage right now. It's an innovative, immersive waifu dating game that requires a constant internet connection, webcam, mic, social media access, and emails at all times. Once you were in the game, you were live on webcam, and the digital waifu could see you, reacting to everything you did.
Unlike the typical, dull multiple-choice dating games, these immersive ones demanded that you answer questions honestly. The anime character can detect if you're lying based on how you speak, your facial expressions, and even track your eye movements to see if you're looking where you should be… like at her 2D boobs.
You lost points for doing so, and if you were caught jerking off before the anime girl had accepted you as her partner, the 3D character scolded and berated you. She records the whole thing and uploads it to "The Hall of Shame" for everyone to see. This is what Elise enjoys looking at—laughing at all the people who couldn't control themselves.
If you ever tried covering up your webcam, a ransomware-like lock appeared on your device or laptop until you uncovered it.
You were only allowed to... take care of business once the anime girl fell for you. Then, her digital AI image strips off her clothes and requests that you pleasure yourself to her, while the AI waifu does the same. As stated on page 354 of the Terms of Service and Privacy Policy, no recordings will be made if you reach this point without cheating.
There are also husbando versions of this game, for females—or anyone who's into that sort of thing.
She watched the clips of strange people jerking off to their anime waifu and could tell that many of them got turned on by being humiliated and berated by the anime girl. It added to the thrill, with many famous celebrities joining in, like Batman, Wolverine, Deadpool, Yoda and Shrek.
An explicit blood warning flashed on the Wolverine clip, where Wolverine, in the midst of jerking off, forgot his claws were still activated, leading to some gruesome mutilation of his dick. Though his healing factor kicked in... slowly... Still, the sight of his mangled dick was far from pleasant.
"Alright, enough of these ridiculous videos," Elise thought, rolling her eyes at the idiots. Her attention shifted to a notification that had popped up. She tapped it, expecting something boring, but paused when it read: "Reply received for your review of 'Python Coding for Dummies' from the author." Elise felt happy, recalling the harsh review she had left. The message felt stiff, and she couldn't help but feel a little satisfaction, wondering how the author had taken her 'honest' feedback.
She read on: "OMG!! OMG OMG!! I can't believe it—thank you so much for purchasing 10 copies of my book!! Because of you, we now have enough to pay for my brother's heart surgery and save his life. We were cutting it super close, with only a few days left to raise the funds, but thanks to your amazing support, we made it!! I can't even put into words how incredibly grateful I am!!
Also, your satirical review of the coding book was absolutely hilarious! You've got some serious talent for humour... okay, confession time: I feel a little bad about the review I left on your My Immortal fanfic. I originally thought it was just edgy gibberish, but now I see it for what it is—brilliant satire. I reread it, and honestly? It might be the greatest thing I've ever laid eyes on! "It's like The Room movie—you only catch the genius on the second watch!"
Thank you so much!! You are the best vampire in the world. XoX"
She stared at the words. Once. Twice.
Elise was stunned, her laugh fading gradually into a look of disbelief as she read the message. She had expected a fiery rebuttal from the author, full of anger at her scathing review and criticism, but the complete opposite arrived on her screen. She had only wanted to leave a spiteful review for revenge, yet she somehow helped save a life...
She felt the dark veil of her vampire energy slowly begin to lift, the once oppressive weight of her aura lightening as if an invisible shroud had been lifted from her very soul. A single tear of happiness breaks free, slowly tracing down her cheek as the heavy burden in her heart begins to fade, replaced by a lightness she hasn't felt in ages.
Overcome with emotion, she collapsed onto her bed, her arms instinctively reaching out, craving the comfort of something to hold. She clutched her 'HUSBANDO' Kage pillow tightly to her chest, burying her face in it as she wept with pure, overwhelming joy, her sobs a mix of relief and happiness that she can hardly comprehend.
Kage... Alixia's arch-rival in The Seraphim Protocol anime.
Alixia: Chad's waifu pillow.
Kage: Elise's husbando pillow
Of course, Elise's pillow was much cleaner than Chad's.