Prompt: What better way to celebrate the blessed day of Eid than with some Islamic brainrot? Observe Asta and Noelle in a halal Clover Kingdom as they navigate the technicalities and taboos of the Muslim religion.
—
Asta woke up face-first in the dirt. Nothing new there.
What was new was the distant sound of the adhan ringing through the air.
"HUH?! FAJR ALREADY?!"
He shot up, smacking his forehead against something solid.
"Ow, you idiot!" Noelle's irritated voice rang out as she clutched her head. "Watch where you're—" She paused, blinking rapidly as she took in their surroundings.
They were no longer in the Black Bulls' chaotic base. Gone were the half-destroyed walls, Luck's suspicious scorch marks, and Yami's mystical toilet zone. Instead, they were standing in the middle of a beautifully maintained town square, lined with white stone buildings, intricate calligraphy adorning the walls. At the center, a grand masjid stood, its towering minaret glowing in the early morning light.
People bustled about, dressed in long robes and flowing abayas, exchanging salaams as they passed. Women in elegant hijabs walked in groups, chatting animatedly, while men in kufis hurried toward the masjid for prayer. Even the birds seemed more respectful of Islamic etiquette, flying in a perfect V-formation above.
Asta scratched his head. "Noelle… where are we?"
Noelle crossed her arms, clearly just as confused. "Don't ask me. I was just trying to stop you from eating an entire roast chicken at 3 AM, and now we're here!"
Asta gasped. "Wait… are we…" He turned to the heavens, hands trembling. "Are we—"
Before he could finish, a group of armored knights in immaculately clean white and gold uniforms surrounded them. Unlike the usual rowdy Clover Kingdom Magic Knights, these ones had neatly pressed tunics, kufis atop their heads, and a distinct air of discipline.
"Halt!" one of them announced. "State your business in the Halal Clover Kingdom!"
Asta and Noelle exchanged looks.
"…The what kingdom?"
—
The Fatwa Against Asta
Noelle tried to reason with the guards, but Asta, as usual, had zero patience.
"Listen, we don't know how we got here, but we're Magic Knights! I'm Asta! Future Wizard King!" He flexed his arms for added emphasis.
The knights immediately whispered among themselves.
"Did he just flex?"
"Wallahi, this is fitna."
"Lower your gaze, akhi."
One of them stepped forward, looking deeply troubled. "Asta… the Asta?"
"Uh… yeah?"
The knight gasped. "The one who constantly yells 'Sister Lily, marry me'?"
Asta beamed. "Yup, that's me!"
The knights immediately drew their swords.
"Astaghfirullah!" one shouted.
"How dare you propose marriage without the presence of a wali!" another added.
"Wait—what?" Asta blinked.
"This is a violation of the Shariah Code of the Clover Kingdom," the head knight declared. "You shall be placed under fatwa until further notice!"
Asta's brain short-circuited. "HUH?!"
Noelle stepped in, smacking Asta over the head. "You idiot! You can't just go around proposing without following proper Islamic procedure!"
"But—! But Sister Lily—!"
"She wears a niqab now, Asta!" Noelle hissed.
That shut him up.
The guards, seeing Asta's devastated expression, exchanged sympathetic nods. "As per the ruling of Sheikh Julaybib Novachrono, your fatwa can be lifted if you perform one thousand good deeds to atone for your fitna."
"A THOUSAND?!?!"
"It used to be ten, but Sheikh Julaybib changed it after hearing about your antics."
Asta clutched his head. This was worse than Yami's training.
Noelle smirked. "Serves you right, dummy."
—
The Black Bulls (Halal Edition)
Before Asta could protest further, the knights decided to escort them to the Black Bulls' base—apparently, it still existed here.
At first, Asta was relieved. "Finally! Familiar faces!"
That relief lasted all of five seconds.
The Black Bulls' base, which was normally a wreck, was now a majestic, perfectly symmetrical fortress, complete with Islamic geometric patterns carved into the stone. The chaos was gone. No mysterious explosions, no floating furniture, not even a single scorch mark from Luck's bad decisions.
Asta had never been more terrified in his life.
Noelle was also unnerved. "Something's… wrong."
The doors opened, and they were greeted by…
Niqabi Vanessa.
"Assalamu Alaikum, my dear brothers and sisters in faith," she greeted calmly.
Asta choked. "WHERE'S HER WINE?!"
Vanessa blinked behind her niqab. "Oh, astaghfirullah. Alcohol is haram, my dear brother in Islam."
Noelle nudged him. "Why do you sound disappointed?"
Before Asta could protest further, Finral appeared—or rather, Sheikh Finral al-Baroque.
"Welcome, welcome, my guests!" Finral was dressed in a full thobe and turban, holding a book of duas in one hand.
Asta grabbed his shoulders. "WHERE IS THE FLIRTING?!?"
Finral gasped in horror. "Astaghfirullah! Lower your voice, brother! I have since abandoned my jahiliyyah ways!"
Asta staggered back. His worldview was shattering.
"WHAT IS THIS PLACE?!?"
Yami finally entered the room, looking completely unfazed. He still wore his signature Black Bulls robe, but now, instead of a cigarette, he was chewing on a miswak.
"Oi, Asta, Noelle. Took you long enough," he grunted.
Noelle straightened. "Captain Yami! Do you at least remember us?"
Yami chewed on his miswak thoughtfully. "Yeah, yeah. You two are the troublemakers."
Asta sighed in relief. "Oh, thank goodness. I thought everything was weird."
Yami placed a hand on his shoulder. "By the way, if you miss Fajr again, I'll throw you in the wudhu pit myself."
Asta blinked. "The what—"
Suddenly, a trap door beneath him opened, and he fell directly into a freezing pool of wudhu water.
"AAAAAAAAAAGHHHHH—"
Yami nodded in satisfaction. "Works every time."
Noelle covered her mouth, shaking from silent laughter. "This place isn't so bad after all."
—
Asta woke up to the sound of the adhan.
Correction.
Asta woke up to Yami punting him across the room while the adhan played in the background.
"WAKE UP FOR FAJR, YA LITTLE SHAYTAN!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!"
Asta crashed into the opposite wall, groaning. "Captain Yami, WHY?!"
Yami crossed his arms, chewing his miswak like it was a high-grade energy bar. "I warned you, kid. You miss Fajr, you get launched."
Asta sat up, rubbing his head. "But I just slept!"
Finral peeked in, dressed in a pristine white thobe, already holding a cup of zamzam water. "Brother Asta, you should be grateful! Some of us struggle to wake up in time!"
Magna groaned from across the room. "I swear, if I hear the phrase 'wake up for Fajr, wake up for Fajr' one more time—"
Luck, half-asleep, grinned. "I already woke up. Did 100 push-ups. Then I got bored, so I fought a jinn."
"YOU WHAT?!"
"Yeah, but I lost. Turns out he was a hafidh. Too powerful."
Noelle, fully dressed and radiating self-righteous energy, walked in with a smug smirk. "Tsk, tsk. Look at you fools struggling. I woke up on time, prayed Tahajjud, AND made dua for patience dealing with you all."
Asta grumbled. "Bet you only made dua for me."
Noelle stiffened. "H-HOW DARE YOU—"
Vanessa, now fully niqabi-fied and sipping sunnah-approved Nabeez water, gracefully walked past them. "May Allah bless you all and guide you to the path of righteousness."
Asta's brain short-circuited again.
"WHERE IS THE HARAM?"
Magna sighed, fully wrapping himself in a blanket. "Bro, just accept it. This world is built different."
—
The Fitna Crisis™
The squad finished their prayers, and Asta, feeling rejuvenated, decided to take a walk outside. The streets of Halal Clover Kingdom were peaceful, and shopkeepers greeted him with cheerful "Salaam, akhi!" as he passed.
Then he made a critical mistake.
He took off his shirt to train.
"AHHHHHHHH!"
A group of old aunties appeared out of nowhere, waving tasbihs at him like medieval flails.
"THIS IS FITNA!"
"PUT A SHIRT ON, YA KID!"
"WALLAHI, THE YOUTH HAVE NO SHAME!"
"WAIT, WAIT, I'M JUST—"
"COVER YOUR AWRAH, BOY!"
Asta barely had time to react before one of the aunties chucked an abaya at him. It hit him square in the face, and before he knew it, he was fully covered.
"Much better," one of the aunties huffed. "Now, do you have a wife?"
"HUH?!"
They immediately started discussing potential halal rishta options for him.
"You know, my niece has memorized 10 juz."
"My granddaughter runs an Islamic bookshop."
"My neighbor's cat once stared at a Mus'haf, which I think is a sign."
Noelle, having witnessed all of this from afar, was now visibly fuming.
"THAT IDIOT! HE—HE CAN'T JUST—"
Finral appeared beside her, stroking his beard. "SubhanAllah, he is truly facing the trials of this dunya."
"THAT'S NOT THE PROBLEM, YOU MORON!"
—
The Ramadan Pain Arc™
The Black Bulls, being model citizens of the Halal Clover Kingdom, observed Ramadan with full dedication.
Which was a problem for Asta.
Because Asta. Never. Stopped. Eating.
"W-wait, you mean no food?" Asta looked horrified. "For how long?!"
"Until Maghrib," Noelle explained patiently.
"THAT'S SO FAR AWAY!"
Finral patted his back. "Be strong, my brother. This is your test."
Asta held his head, shaking. "You mean… I can't drink my protein shakes? No grilled chicken? NO EGGS?!"
Luck laughed. "Imagine not having mana to survive off of."
Asta's eye twitched.
Day one was agony.
By Dhuhr, Asta was on the floor, groaning. "I see… the angel of death…"
By Asr, he was dramatically writing a will.
By Maghrib, he sprinted faster than Yami's Ki Slash straight to the iftar table.
Yami kicked him back down. "Patience, kid. We break our fast with dates first."
Asta whined. "But Captain—"
"Dates first. Sunnah."
Fuegoleon, now dressed in imam-level robes, nodded sagely. "Yes, Asta. The Sunnah must be upheld."
Leopold chimed in, "Our iftar will be blessed if we follow the Prophet's way!"
Asta dramatically slumped in defeat. "Fine… Dates first."
—
The Julius Dilemma
While Asta struggled with fasting, Noelle had her own battle: Julius Novachrono.
Or, as he was now known… Sheikh Julaybib.
The man who once obsessed over magic had now fully embraced his role as the kingdom's leading Islamic scholar.
Which meant he issued fatwas on EVERYTHING.
"Is time magic halal?" he mused aloud. "Or is it bid'ah?"
Noelle's eye twitched. "You're literally the Wizard King! Of course time magic exists!"
Julius stroked his beard. "But… did the scholars say anything about this specific type of time control?"
"Because it didn't exist back then!"
Julius nodded gravely. "I must consult the books of fiqh."
Noelle screamed internally.
—
The Jinn Attack™
Just as things started to calm down, chaos struck.
A deep, echoing laughter rang through the kingdom.
"AHHHHHHHH! IT'S THE SHAYTAN!" someone yelled.
A massive jinn materialized in the sky, its body made of swirling shadows.
"FOOLS! You think you can be free from me?" it roared. "I was here before Fajr, and I will be here after Taraweeh!"
The people gasped. A 24-HOUR SHAYTAN?!
Fuegoleon immediately started reciting Ayatul Kursi.
Vanessa pulled out a Quran app.
Magna screamed, "SOMEONE GET ME A MISWAK!"
Asta grabbed his sword. "I'M GONNA SLICE THIS SHAYTAN INTO HALAL PIECES!"
Noelle, slightly panicked, muttered, "This is the most Islamic problem I've ever had to deal with."
Yami, unfazed, took out his miswak. "Alright, let's fight this thing. Bismillah."
—
The 24-HOUR SHAYTAN cackled, its smoky form twisting in the air above the Halal Clover Kingdom.
"Fools! You think your prayers and miswaks can stop me? I have survived three Ramadans without being locked away!"
Everyone gasped.
"THREE?!"
Julius—sorry, Sheikh Julaybib—stroked his beard in deep contemplation. "That means… his fasting debt must be immeasurable."
Noelle grabbed Asta's shoulder. "Asta, do something!"
Asta, fully in battle mode, squared up. "Say less. Bismillah, let's GO!"
—
The Fight Begins: Asta vs. Shaytan
The sky darkened as the jinn's aura spread over the kingdom. Minarets trembled. The birds of the kingdom, which were previously perfectly Islamic and halal, suddenly started playing music instead of chirping.
"WALLAHI, HE'S CORRUPTING THE BIRDS!" someone screamed.
"TURN OFF THE BEATS!" Finral cried, trying to teleport the pigeons away.
Asta didn't wait. He leaped into the air, swinging his massive anti-magic sword at the jinn's shadowy form.
"HALAL SLASH!"
His attack connected—but instead of cutting through, the shaytan absorbed it like a cheap sponge.
Asta's eyes widened. "HUH?!"
The jinn grinned. "Foolish boy! Your anti-magic is useless against me!"
Fuegoleon, watching from the masjid steps, closed his Quran with a loud thump. "Brother Asta, you must attack him with sunnah-approved weapons!"
"LIKE WHAT?!"
Leopold hurled a giant miswak at the jinn. It passed right through him.
Noelle groaned. "IDIOT, THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS!"
Suddenly, Vanessa (still fully niqabi-fied) stepped forward, holding up a bottle of zamzam water. "Use this, Asta!"
Asta caught the bottle mid-air. "Oh, now THIS I can work with!"
With a battle cry, Asta channeled the spirit of every fasting Muslim on a hot summer day. He sprinted toward the jinn, dodging its smoky claws, and smashed the zamzam bottle over its head.
The jinn howled as pure, refreshing hydration burned through its essence.
"IT'S TOO POWERFUL!" the shaytan shrieked.
Julius—Sheikh Julaybib—immediately followed up. "It's time. Everyone, recite Ayatul Kursi!"
In perfect synchronization, every Muslim in the Halal Clover Kingdom started reciting the most powerful Quranic verse.
The shaytan screamed in agony.
"NOOOOO! NOT THE QURAN! I CAN'T HANDLE THE BARAKAH!"
His smoky form dissipated, crumbling into nothingness. The sky cleared, the birds returned to their natural, halal chirping, and the entire kingdom let out a collective sigh of relief.
Asta, still holding the shattered bottle, collapsed onto the ground.
"Alhamdulillah," he gasped.
—
Asta's Halal Marriage Arc
The battle was won. The kingdom was saved. Everything was at peace…
Except for Asta.
Because the moment he recovered, the aunties attacked.
"You fought so bravely, my son."
"MashAllah, such a strong warrior."
"A MAN WHO PRAYS AND FIGHTS SHAYTAN? PERFECT RISHTA MATERIAL."
Asta froze. "H-huh?"
Noelle cracked her knuckles. "Back OFF, Auntie Squad."
The aunties ignored her.
"So, Asta, do you prefer a pious wife? Or one with excellent cooking skills?"
"Perhaps both?" one auntie suggested.
Noelle grabbed her wand. "I SAID BACK OFF."
Finral, now fully transformed into Islamic Relationship Advisor Mode, placed a hand on Asta's shoulder. "Brother… it is time."
"Time for what?!" Asta backed up.
Finral's eyes glowed. "Time to pick a wife, my dear brother in Islam."
Asta turned to Fuegoleon for help.
Fuegoleon simply nodded sagely. "A man must complete half his deen, Asta."
Asta turned to Yami.
Yami lit a miswak like a cigarette. "Pick one or I'll make you fight another shaytan."
"WHAT KIND OF THREAT IS THAT?!"
Before Asta could protest, Julius—Sheikh Julaybib—raised a hand.
"I shall conduct a halal compatibility test," he declared.
A massive scroll unrolled before him, covered in Islamic Compatibility Questions™.
"Asta, do you prefer a spouse who wakes up for Tahajjud?"
Asta nodded. "Yeah, that sounds nice."
"Noelle, do you have sabr when dealing with idiots?"
Noelle twitched. "…Define sabr."
Julius nodded sagely. "Hmm. This requires further analysis."
Suddenly, Luck appeared. "I wanna marry Asta!"
"NO!" everyone screamed.
—
The Fatwa That Broke the Kingdom
Despite all of this chaos, Asta managed to escape the Auntie Squad (for now).
But just when things seemed normal, Julius—Sheikh Julaybib—did something… unthinkable.
He issued a new fatwa.
"Henceforth, it is required that all Magic Knights perform at least two rakats before any battle."
The kingdom exploded.
"WHAT?!"
"THIS CHANGES THE ENTIRE BATTLE SYSTEM!"
"WHAT IF I'M FIGHTING MID-AIR?!"
Fuegoleon nodded approvingly. "A most honorable ruling."
Yami, completely unfazed, just shrugged. "Guess we're adding Sunnah Battle Training to the schedule."
Finral was in tears. "My teleportation battles are going to take SO LONG NOW."
Meanwhile, Asta?
Asta just sighed, dramatically flopping onto the ground.
"I wanna go back to the old Black Bulls base…"
—
The Halal Clover Kingdom™ was at peace.
The birds chirped without music, the streets were fitna-free, and the Magic Knights had fully embraced their pre-battle Sunnah prayers. Life was good.
But for Asta and Noelle, life was… complicated.
Because they were currently trapped in the biggest Islamic dilemma of all time:
"Do we have a halal talking stage or just skip to nikah?"
—
The Talking Stage Struggles™
Noelle, standing at a perfectly respectablethree-meter distance, crossed her arms. "I don't get it. If you like me, why don't you just—"
"Astagfirullah."
Noelle blinked. "…What?"
Asta looked deeply pained. "We… We can't just say things like that, Noelle. We need a third party present."
She frowned. "But we've fought together for years! We've literally fought demons side by side!"
Asta shook his head solemnly. "That was war, Noelle. This is halal interaction. Very different battlefields."
Finral suddenly appeared out of nowhere, holding a giant tasbih and stroking his very respectable beard.
"Do not fear, my dear brother and sister in Islam. I shall be your wali for this conversation."
Noelle twitched. "Why are YOU here?!"
"Because, sister, I am now a professional wali." Finral adjusted his pristine white thobe. "You see, after much reflection, I have repented from my past sins and dedicated myself to ensuring only the purest of love stories unfold."
Asta clasped Finral's hands. "May Allah bless you, brother."
Finral nodded proudly. "Ameen, my dear brother. Now, what were you two discussing?"
Noelle groaned. "I was saying that Asta should just propose already."
Finral gasped loudly. "Sister… that is haram-level boldness."
"HUH?!"
Asta looked devastated. "Noelle… you're too direct. Where is the mystery? The shyness? The half-sentences that barely express emotions but are heavy with meaning?"
"WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!"
Finral stroked his beard. "She must perfect the art of ambiguous yet emotionally charged dialogue. Like… 'I do not know what the future holds, but I hope our paths align…'"
Asta nodded. "Yes! That's peak halal romance!"
Noelle pinched the bridge of her nose. "I am going to lose my mind."
—
The Marriage Meeting™
The next day, the Halal Clover Kingdom Aunties™ arranged a propermarriage meeting for Asta and Noelle.
Asta was dressed in a crisp white sherwani, perfectly scented with oud. Noelle wore a modest yet elegant abaya, trying to remain calm despite her nerves.
The entire Black Bulls squad was present.
Because apparently, this was a public event now.
Vanessa, still fully niqabi-fied, sipped her Nabeez water. "May Allah bless this union."
Yami lit his miswak like a cigar. "If you mess this up, kid, I'm throwing you in the well of Zamzam."
Asta saluted. "Understood, Captain!"
Fuegoleon, acting as the official marriage overseer, cleared his throat. "Now then, Asta. State your case."
Asta stood up with full determination. "I, Asta of the Halal Clover Kingdom, hereby declare my intentions of nikah. Noelle, you are a strong, amazing, and pious woman—"
Finral coughed.
Asta quickly corrected, "May Allah grant you piety, InshAllah—and I want to complete half my deen with you."
The Auntie Squad™ collectively sighed in admiration.
"MashAllah…"
"Asta is such a good boy."
"His tajweed has improved, you can tell!"
Fuegoleon nodded. "Now, Noelle. Your response?"
Noelle stood up, cheeks slightly red. She took a deep breath.
"I… I do not know what the future holds, but I hope our paths align."
Asta gasped. "PERFECTLY HALAL RESPONSE!"
Nozel shed a single tear. "My sister… has achieved peak Islamic poetry."
Yami yawned. "Alright, so we're doing this or what?"
Fuegoleon nodded. "Very well. With the presence of these witnesses and by the decree of Sheikh Julaybib, I pronounce you—"
"WAIT!"
Everyone turned.
It was Julius—Sheikh Julaybib—storming in, wielding a massive fatwa scroll.
"I have one last test for Asta before this marriage can be completed!"
The room tensed.
Asta stood up straight. "I am ready."
Julius dramatically unrolled the scroll. "Asta… recite Surah Ikhlas."
Everyone gasped.
Asta swallowed nervously. If he failed this, his entire reputation would be destroyed.
He took a deep breath… and began reciting.
"Qul huwallahu ahad…"
The room erupted into cheers.
Julius nodded sagely. "MashAllah. The nikah can proceed."
Asta and Noelle exchanged rings, and the Black Bulls squad celebrated with gallons of zamzam water.
—
The Halal Honeymoon™
After the nikah, Asta and Noelle traveled to Mecca (Heart) for Umrah.
Asta ran laps around the Kaaba at unreasonable speeds.
"Brother, slow down!" Finral gasped.
Asta sprinted past him. "I NEED TO COMPLETE SEVEN LAPS BEFORE MAGHRIB!"
Meanwhile, Noelle tried to make dua in peace, but Asta kept screaming next to her.
"YA ALLAH, PLEASE MAKE ME THE STRONGEST KNIGHT IN THE WORLD!"
"ASTA, LOWER YOUR VOICE!"
Asta immediately lowered his voice. "Ya Allah, please make me the strongest knight in the world…"
Noelle sighed. "You are so exhausting."
Asta grinned. "But you love me anyway, right?"
Noelle turned away, flustered. "I-I don't know what the future holds, but—"
Asta beamed. "AWWWW, THAT'S MY WIFE!"
Finral wiped his tears. "MashAllah, my dear sister has perfected halal romance."
And so, the Halal Clover Kingdom remained at peace, Asta and Noelle lived happily ever after, and the Auntie Squad started looking for Finral's rishta next.
—
To all those celebrating today or tomorrow, Eid Mubarak!