I wake up... but I don't really want to get out of bed. I close my eyes and flip my pillow to the cold side.
'Just... five more hours.'
***
I wake up. I still don't wanna get out of bed... but I knew that even if stayed in it, I wouldn't be able to sleep anymore, so I just stood up.
I stretched a bit to energize myself and then started on my usual morning.
I blinked, and I was already back in bed, the moon shining high up in the sky.
'Huh... that was fast.'
The day... why couldn't I remember the day? My memory of what happened is all fuzzy, why is that?
Oh yeah, that's right, it's because I'm asleep right now.
***
I open my eyes. I groggily sit up and stare at the wall.
'How long has it been since I've had a lucid dream?'
Probably a couple of months. It felt pretty weird to have one out of nowhere, actually.
I pinched myself to make sure I'm not dreaming and to energize myself.
Then, I go about my regular morning routine. The expression making, the meditating; the usual and repetitive shtick, you know?
After that, I grasp the handle of the door to the kitchen.
'Let's see what that bastard Jagon has for me today, shall we?'
***
I finished my breakfast and was about to go to my room when Jagon asked for me to stay.
He looked... worried. Well, no surprises there. I put on quite the show yesterday, after all.
He might've even gotten a glimpse into the vast emptiness hidden inside my heart, and that might actually be problematic.
"Sure, I can stay. What questions do you want me to answer?"
I sat down with an impassive face.
Angelica was the one to speak first.
"I want to know... What exactly happened to you in the forest? From yesterday, it's quite clear that you have severe trauma of it, and the wounds you had when we found you were also bad, but I want to know all the details. I want to help you heal your trauma."
Ah, what an angelic goal, quite fitting for the angel in front of me.
"Sure, I can tell you. I need some way to bump up the word count, so I have no reason not to answer."
I coughed.
"Alright, let's start from the beginning. First, I woke up in a forest. I had no idea where I was or how I got there, so I decided that I had to find some people first. After walking for a little bit, I stumbled upon a cat."
Jagon looked surprised.
"You encountered a cat in the forest? I'm surprised that a harmless animal like that managed to stay alive back there."
'So cats exist in this world. That's good.'
"I was surprised too... until I noticed that the cat wasn't normal. There were a lot of things weird about it, so I won't tell you every single one, but just know that it was probably a monster that tricked the mind."
Jagon raised his eyebrow at that.
"As far as I remember, there are no monsters like that in Zelen. Did some new species pop up? Or did it come from another territory? If there really is a new monster, I'll have to find out its characteristics, so that when..."
He continued on mumbling to himself for quite a long while after that. I just ignored him and continued explaining the story to Angelica.
"Right, so after I ran away from the cat, I stumbled upon a black river after hou―"
""Did you just say a black river?!""
Jagon and Angelica both shouted out of nowhere. Jagon even seemed to completely forget about the cat that he spent the last minute mumbling about, all of his focus shifted to this new topic.
"Yeah, I did. A black river. What about it?"
They stared at me in shock and disbelief.
"You... stumbled upon it."
I nonchalantly nodded.
"Yeah, I did."
They looked me straight in the eyes.
"And you... lived?"
"No, I'm a walking and talking corpse. What answer did you expect to hear, exactly?"
I waited until the both of them got back their bearings. This was the most shocked I had ever seen them, so it was a new sight.
After about four minutes of awkward silence, Jagon sighed.
"I guess we got really lucky, then."
"What exactly do you mean by that?"
Angelica was the one who answered my question.
"We got really lucky that everyone came back from the last hunt, is what he meant. Considering it's Kumorsh hunting period."
I flapped my eyes. Was the black river something terrible? I mean, yeah, it was a poisonous river, but the poison didn't seem too potent.
Also, what's up with the Kumorsh? What is that? Is it a monster? And... hunting period? What does a hunting period of a monster have to do with a poisonous river?
I shook my head. It's better to just ask instead of trying to guess.
"Can I ask, what is a Kumorsh? And why does it matter that it's Kumorsh hunting period?"
Jagon nodded while looking at me.
"Right, of course you wouldn't know. Kumorsh... is the apex predator of Zelen. It has its own vast territory, that is surrounded by a somewhat-circular river that almost fully encompasses it. The Kumorsh is a twelve-legged spider that has a height of 9 meters. Most of the time, it is asleep peacefully at the center of its territory... but it cannot live without food, and that is where its existence becomes a big problem. You see, instead of going out to hunt by itself, it instead... spreads its poison throughout the river. It's not a normal poison though, as it has addictive properties. And the worst part... some of the poison evaporates and turns into an invisible gas, which inherits those addictive qualities and spreads very far out. The moment anything breathes in the invisible gas ― no matter whether it's a monster or a human ― they get brainwashed and just... plunge into the river of their own volition. The current then carries their dead bodies until they hit the web that Kumorsh makes in the river, and there Kumorsh gets its fill."
I stare at him, deadpan.
'...Huh.'
Yeah, how exactly am I alive? That sounds stupidly dangerous.
'I can't tell whether I'm lucky because I lived, or unlucky because I ended up there in the first place.'
I shook my head and decided to change the topic. This was important information, but it's not like I could use it right this moment.
"So... you want me to continue the story or no?"
They both looked at me like I'm crazy. I sighed.
"Listen, I know that you're shocked, I am too, but the fact is; I'm here and I'm not dead. No point being surprised by it; it just is. So I'll ask this again. Do you want me to continue the story or not? We can postpone this conversation if you really want to."
They both stared at each other, the shock slowly disappearing from their faces. They sighed simultaneously, and looked at me with exasperation. Angelica looked a little bit relieved despite all of it though.
"I just don't think you realize just how astonishing what you did was."
"Oh no, I'm pretty sure I do. I resisted the brainwashing qualities of the gas, I survived a full day in Kumorsh's territory, and I survived being fully submerged into its poison AND having the poison inside my mouth and bloodstream. I fully understand just how crazy what I did was."
They both looked at me with popped-out eyes. I was almost afraid that their eyes would leave their sockets, that's how bad it was.
"Right, I haven't gotten to those parts yet."
I sheepishly scratched my head while laughing my ass off on the inside. I mean, I expected their reactions to be good, but it took all my effort to not laugh right in their faces.
'Hahaha! This is gonna be a gold memory, I can feel it!'
I waved my hand in front of their faces, but they didn't react at all. They were too shocked.
I couldn't help but smile and chuckle, no longer able to fully keep the laugh on the inside. The chuckle quickly escalated into full on laughter.
"HA! Khe... just... Hahaha! Hhh! The looks― pft! The looks on your faces!"
I laughed for a full two minutes right in their faces, with them barely moving a muscle. It was all just too comical.
'If only I could laugh like this all the time.'
***
"What party poopers they are."
I pursed my lips.
They had decided to hold off the story for another time. I really wanted to see more of their surprised faces, so that was a bit of a let down.
'Oh well, I'll still see their surprised faces, just later.'
I smirked as I remembered their faces. That was the most hilarious expression I had seen them make.
I shook my head. I had a lot of things to focus on, so I couldn't afford to be idle.
'So... first of all, I now know why I survived the encounter with the wolves. Their minds were being affected by the gas, so they couldn't fight at their full capabilities. It's surprising that they were able to coordinate at all, considering how scared Jagon seems to be of Kumorsh. Were they starving so bad that they could resist the gas?'
I think back to my experiences in the forest, now that I looked back on them, a lot of things made sense now.
The reason why no one attacked me in my sleep. The reason why I encountered so little monsters. The reason why I was able to fool the orc so easily.
Of course, some things still didn't make sense.
How was I not brainwashed? Do I have some kind of resisance to poisons? Did I actually get some stuff when I got transported here? And... what the hell was up with that cat?
'Everything about that cat doesn't make sense.'
How did it survive in Kumorsh's territory? Why did it not attack me? Why was it able to resist the gas? Why... did it look so similar to my cat?
I scratch at my head, thinking. I had a lot of questions, but not a lot of answers.
'Maybe if I think some more, I'll get answers?'
I scratch my head in thought. If I considered everything that happened and all the facts I have...
'Don't I just have a stupidly strong body?'
Jagon said my muscles are the second best in the world, who says that all other functions of my body can't be on the same level? Including my immune system?
Doesn't that explain me not getting brainwashed? Also swimming through the poison and ending up being fine? Well, relatively fine, is what I mean.
'Right, but the question is WHY my body is so strong?'
Well... I actually had one theory. I didn't have enough evidence to confirm it, though. I'd have to wait at least a month before I get results.
'Too early. I have to wait a bit more. I'll get answers then. Perhaps even all of them.'
Before I noticed it, a huge amount of hair was now on the ground and in my hands. I had scratched my head so hard and for so long that hair started to fall out. I looked back at my bed. It was still ripped in some places. In fact, there were some new rips there too.
I blankly stared at the wall, momentarily walling off every single one of my emotions.
'This is bad. It was already bad, but this is worse. I should stop thinking about that cat, it reminds me of my world too much. I can feel the emptiness escaping every second.'
Life returns to my eyes as I blink a couple of times.
Without saying anything else and without having another thought, I sit on my bed and close my eyes in meditation. I needed to divert my attention until the image of the cat left my mind.
'...Perhaps four years was me being optimistic.'
***
After that, the day was nothing special, and I welcomed that fact.
The more stable my life felt, the more stable my mind felt too. Repetitiveness is good for the heart.
'I didn't have a nightmare last night, so that's a good sign.'
I looked at the moon high up in the sky through the window.
'It's a full moon today, huh.'
My gaze involuntarily drifted off to a normal house. Well, it was normal apart from the fact that its resident oozed madness.
I stared at it for a bit. I was expecting...fearing...to see a person leave the house.
My mind went back to my memories of the normal man.
He oozed madness, but he didn't look mad... and that was the worst madness one can have.
Not all mad people are the same, and not all of them are bad. Sometimes, having a little bit of madness is necessary, or makes a person have brilliant ideas.
Hell, some mad people even contribute to society... but those type of people don't hide their madness. After all, what do they have to hide? Their madness brings more good than bad, after all.
It's those that hide it that are the worst. They are scared of their madness being spotted, since it's something that they will definitely get in trouble for.
So the fact that the normal man oozed madness and didn't show it... made me get goosebumps.
I took a deep breath as I gave one last glance to the moon.
'Jesus, what am I even thinking about?'
It was better to think about all of this after I have a stable life, and after I become at least a little bit stronger.
Right now, my time was better spent meditating.
I didn't want to meditate right now though, so I just went to bed.
'Please no nightmares this time too.'
I prayed to nobody in particular and drifted off to sleep.
***
'The prayers... didn't work.'
I really hoped that I could get two nights in a row without nightmares, but life was never that easy.
Well, at least this one wasn't a bad one. My bed didn't get any more rips or tears.
'I'm such a hypocrite, aren't I? I always say that I hate hoping, but I can't help but do it. Well, no wonder. Just because I hate it doesn't mean I can't feel it.'
My personality was a little bit more complicated than not hoping at all. I just did all I could, every possible thing, and only after that did I start hoping. I also hoped for things that I had no control over, since that was all I could do about them.
I mean, there's nothing I can do but hope that a meteorite doesn't just fall exactly at my location. Sure, that's hoping, but can you really blame me?
I hate the kind of hoping that makes a person do nothing, only wishing that things became better, while they still have the capability to improve their situation.
For example: if I just slumped down in the forest back then, hoping that somebody would find me. In fact, you probably couldn't blame me from slumping down back there. I was exhausted both physically and mentally, while being hurt all over, with every breath being a chore.
But I continued walking. When my legs weren't enough to hold me, I used the walking stick™ to keep me steady. Even though just breathing was painful and exhausting, I continued trying, struggling.
Only after I fell on the ground, completely exhausted of all options, did I scream out for help... and hoped. Hoped for someone to find me.
So yeah, it's not like I was a monster incapable of feeling hope, it's just that I hated hope. Because hope is not certain. Hope is not tangible. Hopes don't make your life better. It's actions that do.
With a sigh, I made an arrogant face and molded it a bit. Then I made a sad face, a desperate face and an impassive face.
'Steady progress. This feels nice.'
A little bit later on, I also plan to work on my body language too. I don't only have to have a nasty face, but also a nasty body.
'That doesn't quite roll off the tongue, does it? It makes it sound like my body will smell.'
I didn't really care about that. I had long given up on naming anything. My inability to come up with names even won against my passion of making a cool name for my ability to fake my emotions.
'I just suck too much at it.'
I frowned and accidentally looked at the ripped out hair still laying on the floor.
'...I should learn how to fake laugh too.'
***
"Come on, put all your strength into it!"
"I... am!"
I slashed at Jagon with all my might, but he dodged it effortlessly just like he always did. He retaliated with a strike that I was forced to parry, and subsequently threw me off balance.
I jumped back, trying to buy some much needed time to recuperate, but Jagon was unrelenting.
I barely had time to take one single breath before he was already upon me, not even mentioning getting into a proper stance.
'Dammit.'
Since Angelica had stopped healing me entirely, these type of fights became much harder for me.
I relied on tricking the opponent's mind using my nastiness, but without the option to sacrifice my flesh, my bag of tricks was pretty shallow, especially when I'm fighting someone who knows me.
If I was fighting a random person, I could've acted arrogantly to make them feel overconfident or I could've acted weak to make them underestimate me. I could even provoke someone into becoming angry.
But Jagon? All of that was useless against him.
He knew I wasn't arrogant nor overconfident. His knowledge on how strong I was was only second to mine. And making him angry was out of the question. In fact, it was pretty hard to affect Jagon's emotions in general. Making him be surprised was the most I could do.
After not too long of an exchange, my dagger flew out of my hand.
I slumped down on the ground immediately, I was completely drained.
Before I could even regain my breath, Jagon sat down next to me with a distant look on his face. I was pretty surprised at that. More often than not, he'd just throw a snide remark and usher me to get up, knowing full well how exhausted I was and getting pleasure out of seeing me annoyed.
So the weird ― almost melancholy ― atmosphere that surrounded Jagon made me a feel on edge a bit.
This was a side of him that I hadn't seen before, so I was naturally on guard.
He didn't notice my warriness as he started talking while looking into the distance.
"Kid... how old are you?"
I was actually surprised by that simple question.
'Right, they don't know how old I am. I completely forgot about that...'
I didn't spend more than a second in thought.
"Fifteen."
He turned to me, his face serious and... worried.
"I can't help but ask... why are you pushing yourself so hard? I think I've seen only two people your age who pushed themselves beyond their physical limits, but unlike them, you don't have any talent, nor do you seem to have any thoughts of revenge to fuel your determination."
I didn't really have to ponder his question for long. This was not a mood where carefully thinking about what I said was better, instead, I should just speak whatever's on my mind.
"Why? The answer's easy, it's because I'm a coward."
He just raised his eyebrow in confusion, prompting me to continue.
"Well, whether I like it or not, I got a reality check back in the forest. No matter what hopes I had or what ideas were sprouting in my mind, all of them got chewed by wolves, drained by dehydration and mercilessly dissolved by a poisonous river. And that imprinted a certain thought in my mind: the current me cannot survive in this world. And, well... I'm afraid of death, you know? So I just do anything to keep me as far away from it as possible. I'm just a coward running away from death."
Now, somewhat recovered, I sat up and looked Jagon in the eyes.
"Now, come on. Ask me the real question. You already knew the 'why'."
He hesitated, mostly because he knew this topic was going to be painful, but still opened his mouth.
"How?"
I smiled. You can probably guess what kind of smile it was. A mad one.
"Like this."
I pointed at my eyes and stared at him blankly.
A small silence descended upon us, with Jagon visibly grimacing and feeling uncomfortable. In fact, he looked away from my eyes not long after, not wanting to see them any more.
'Well, no wonder. He might only have pieces, but he still knows me well enough.'
Even thought he didn't know the details, I had given him enough information for him to understand that I recently lost not only parents, but everything I held dear. No home, no relatives, nothing.
So the eyes that I showed him must've unnerved him a great deal, considering that most people would've been emotionally unstable in my situation... and that what I was doing was miles worse.
He looked back at me after sighing.
"I'm not like Angelica, so I'm not going to start telling you off, but... just know that if you need someone to talk to, we're always here. What you're doing is bad, but you know that, and I can't really blame you or stop you."
I cocked my head to the side.
"I'm surprised you didn't go on a lecture."
He glared at me.
"I'm not dumb and you know that. The fact that you wall off your emotions is your problem. No matter how much I'd like to 'fix' you, your emotions are for you to deal with."
My mad smile changed to a sad one.
"I'm honestly thankful you're so understanding and accepting of this."
He looked up at the sky that was slowly gathering dark clouds.
"So far, I am. In fact, I'm only a short sliver away from telling you off. I've seen a lot of disturbing things... but you brute forcing your way through trauma was perhaps the most unnerving one out of all of them. I don't think I've seen somebody push their mental limits that much, and I hope I never will. And considering how young you are... that just made it that much worse. But... I really can't blame you. The pain of loss must be unbearable, after all."
A small chuckly couldn't help but escape me.
"Heh. So I'm basically super impressive?"
He looked at me like I was a crazy person... oh wait, I actually was one.
His look quickly changed though. It was subtle enough that everybody else would've missed it, but I could tell him becoming less serious.
"You bastard, you think bottling up your emotions is impressive?! Psh. When I was your age, I was already hurling huge spells! That's impressive! Now get off your butt, our sparring is still not over!"
I sighed, but I was actually a little bit happy on the inside.
As cliche as what he said was, just knowing that someone understood me relieved the burden on my heart somewhat.
I still hated him though. He made me continue training even after it started raining, for pancakes' sake!
***
'Damn, even after that heartfelt talk, he didn't become any less ruthless.'
Well, no wonder. Jagon's unchanging presence of being a bastard was actually soothing in a weird way, and he knew that.
I sat on my bed with a sigh while wiping my hair with a towel. I had no clothes apart form my normal ones, so I was mostly naked right now.
Angelica had already started on sewing me new clothes ― that was apparently one of her hobbies ― but there's a long time before they'll be done, so no spare clothes for me.
I stared at the wall with complicated emotions.
"...Tch. Why can't I just cry it all out? Why do I have to be so difficult?"
I knew why, it was because I couldn't be weak right now, and as such, I couldn't appear weak.
I'm not the kind of person to think that showing weakness is 'not manly', I don't care about that. It's just that something inside of me refuses to appear weak in front of people I don't fully trust. And I don't quite fully trust Jagon and Angelica yet; I don't know every facet of their character.
That's not even mentioning that I almost died because of my weakness a week ago, so showing it inevitably reminds me of death.
I sigh.
'I have way too much baggage for a sixteen year old.'
I rub my temples. There's not really much I can do about that, so I decide I need a change of pace.
I start meditating. I have been getting good progress lately, so I was actually pretty excited to do it. I couldn't control mana quite yet, but I could... understand it. The way mana moved through my body was slowly starting to make sense.
For example, it was pretty clear to me now that Body-Strengthening wasn't just about making you stronger, it was about improving every function in your body.
Hearing, sight, touch, smell. Hell, even taste.
My heart was stronger, improving my blood flow. My lungs could take air in and out faster than before. My stomach was tougher, making even the worst foods easy to digest.
There was one thing it couldn't imporve though; the brain. My thoughts weren't faster, the world wouldn't look like slow motion to me no matter how good my Body-Strengthening was. That was a bit of a bummer, but oh well.
'I bet it even improves my immune system. I doubt I'll ever get sick in this new world.'
I smiled. Being sick never felt nice, and I was happy to always be healthy.
'It's short and fleeting, but it's still happiness. I should revel in this. I haven't been happy for quite some time.'
As I sat there with a stupid smile, the emotions slowly dissipated and I focused on meditating again.
I sat there meditating, until my nose started to feel itchy.
'Damn, it's messing with my concentration. But, this honestly isn't bad, I've been meaning to test this for while now...'
What did I want to test? It was whether I could keep meditating while still doing other things, of course.
First, I tried to move my fingers. My concentration didn't break, and I could still feel the mana within me, so this seemed to be a success.
I then steadily increased the difficulty. All seemed to be going well. I could move my head, my hands, my legs, my body. I could even take a step.
But then, I tried to open my eyes.
Immediately, the flood of information from my sight distracted me from meditation, making me lose all concentration.
'Figures.'
This already went much better than I expected it to. I honestly expected to be stuck trying to move my arms and legs, so knowing that sight was my roadblock... felt pretty nice, actually.
I reveled in the short-lived sense of pride I had, and not long after tried to meditate with my eyes open.
I succeeded... kinda.
In truth, even though my eyes were open, it's not like I could take in the visual information. You know one of those moments where your mind shuts off for couple of seconds and you only come to your senses once somebody calls out to you? That's the best way I can explain what I felt.
I know that my eyes were open, I know that I was looking somewhere, but my brain refused to process the information. It just completely slipped my mind.
'Right. Does that mean I should split my attention? Half on sight and half on mana?'
I tried that, but it just ended up being a mess. I couldn't properly divide my attention in half, and I instead went back and forth between my sight and meditation. It was like quickly switching channels on TV.
It was disorienting, and not what I wanted at all.
'That was a bust.'
I gave up for now. I just decided to practice walking while meditating at the same time... you know what? Calling it meditating all the time is dumb. I'm just gonna call it mana sensing from now on.
Yeah, so I was just going to practice mana sensing at the same time as walking. I tried, and it was proving to be hard, but not impossible. I would have to get familiar with walking while mana sensing before I get to the more complicated stuff.
'Yep, mana sensing definitely sounds better.'
I hummed to myself in approval. It still sounded wrong in some kind of way, but that's par for the course with my naming sense.
With that done, I got up, stretched, and went to eat lunch.