A.N
*Trigger warning- suicidal thoughts ahead.
Meg's POV
Our alpha is my mate! I know it to be true just as the life growing inside me. I honestly do not think it is wishful thinking on my part, as Blue puts it. But why don't I feel this fierceness that everyone talks about? I just feel- disgust- for him- for me...
Jax had asked me if I felt any type of joy at the sight of the alpha. My answer was no. "Hmm, well, Juliet, had he really been your mate, you would know because when you do the –er- stuff." He made a motion of a circle with one hand and stuck his index finger from his other hand inside the centre. The understood sign for s*x.
"You would feel the fulfilment. Like my mother said when the mate bond was filled, for her and my father, nothing made sense, and yet everything did. She would have given her life in a heartbeat for him- above all else. Even me. And my father for her." His tone had gone quiet. "And when she lost my father, she almost died too. Do you feel that way?"
I had shaken my head no. I liked it when the alpha and I did it, yes. I did feel that I wanted it more and more, but no, I did not think that we were meant for each other. I do not want his baby. The fact of the matter is, I wish I could rid my life of them both because now when my pack finds out about this, they would shun me.
God. To think I wanted to stay in this pack, even knowing they would make fun of me for being an unmated mother. An unmarried one too. Even an unchosen mate- some of us choose our own mate, but that's a whole different story that I do not want to get into right now.
I just- I just-
Guilt is what I feel. I feel guilty because while I don't want to be pregnant, I also think the child deserves a chance at life. But an omega life? Nobody deserves to be like that. Jax told me it was normal to be this indecisive. It was a hormonal thing. He knew because of his mother when she gave birth to his half-brother. He said she had indecisive thoughts and irrational behaviour patterns during her pregnancy, but post-natal; she went back to her normal self.
He said she had been a bit unhinged at times and even called him and his stepfather by his father's name. The bond was still there even though the man was d*ad.
Ugh, I hated that and hoped to never want or need someone this way!
My pee struggles to hold up, yup that. Headaches, my nausea, my tears at the worst times- and I swear my boobs are bigger. They are tender as well. All due to being pregnant.
I would be labelled the pack whore and I might be thought of as easy enough to be 'passed around' as well; from he-wolf to he-wolf. I have seen it happen before- granted, when the beta came to know of it, he put an immediate stop to it. Both he and the alpha spent some time in the dungeon with those said werewolves who had traumatised the young girl so badly that she took her own life.
My last roommate.
My fate would be different, I suspect, for I would have disrespected the alpha of all werewolves. Nothing excused this.
The horror I would face, and I acknowledge bitterly it would not bother the stupid man to see me in such distress. The alpha might even get a kind of sick pleasure from my omega pain. The omega that tried to tie him down.
The omega that tried to climb up to the top ranks.
No- not again!
Tingles spread across my body again, and I gasp out loud, my eyes rolling back. I feel a creeping up inside me, and my knees grow weak. Red snarls as I hit the newly soft grassy floor, caused by the light rain we had earlier, on all fours, then turned over onto my back and lay sprawled there.
In the past few years, from time to time, I would feel it, and only to know now what he had been doing has my stomach churning up again. Once again, now that I understood the 'tingles' and what they meant, the intensity grew until I felt my insides splitting from the pleasure that rocks within me.
I am disgusted with the alpha's abhorrent behaviour. How could he be my mate and do this to me? How could my mate not want me? Now want us. How repulsive is he that I just left him, and he's already having Beth pleasuring him this way?
Again? I recall the night we'd spent on my bed- yes, again and again. Do I have to put up with this another time again tonight? Tears spring in my eyes- please, no. I cannot bear it.
Then I curse at the waning moon overhead, my hands fisted by my sides.
I sniff when I recall his earlier words of rejection. Excruciating pain displays itself inside me. My moon mate rejected me. My mate does not want me because I am too weak. I am not good enough. But who would want me? An omega? Maybe the Moon Goddesses thought I needed the strength of an alpha to survive in my weakened state...
It's the only thing that makes sense to me. And why would she even think this? I would have preferred death. Yes, I would rather die than live to be the rejected plaything for the male members of the pack.
Red peeks out but remains hidden with my darkening thoughts.
How could I survive this with a baby in me when I cannot even find the will to give my wolf strength to simply live? How do I take care of it when I can barely take care of myself? How do I feel and clothe it? Nurture? What is that? I cannot when I do not know what it means... or what it feels like or even pretend to know what it feels like.
My biggest accomplishment had been getting this jacket, which I saved like crazy for. And I almost failed at that because I had to cut into my meagre savings to get the pregnancy kits. If it hadn't been for Jax, I wouldn't have it.
Taking the jacket off, I threw it on the muddied floor and kicked it. Then, I screamed at it as if it were the cause of all my troubles. Then my arms trembled from the cold because I was only clad in an armless top and pants now.
Whatever, the jacket was soaked anyway.
Feeling like that's my answer, I get to my feet and spit out the remaining bad taste in my mouth, continuing to walk and before I know it, I am staring down into the dark waters under the bridge I'm standing on.
The moon's reflection in the waters felt like a mockery.
Sensing Red's need for interjection, I block her off completely.
This must be destiny- my destiny, to be here at this bridge, at this time- I feel I cannot live in this world anymore. It's the only logical thing right now. Rather than be at fault of the Moon Goddesses' mistake- because a mistake it has to be, to think Soren and I are meant to be the perfect leaders for our pack- because surely, they did not plan on us being mates and him giving up the Alpha role to be with me- right?
And Gods and Goddesses do not make mistakes- right? I roll my eyes as I think this because they most definitely have.
Why not just end my miserable existence?
Bonus is; I save Soren the shame of having to admit his firstborn is mothered by an omega. Definitely a win-win situation.