With the sun high overhead, Roy stood on the battleship's top deck, arms folded. The pirate fiasco from earlier still lingered in his mind, but at least the hull was no longer echoing with cannon fire. Serenity had finished her stealthy nighttime defenses, and Roy had effectively told the scrawny pirate crew to scram. Now, he craved a few fleeting moments of normalcy—even if nothing about this ship or this world was normal.
Eryndra strolled up beside him. He caught a whiff of stale sweat and sea brine clinging to her armor.
"Uh… you kinda smell," Roy blurted, wrinkling his nose.
She tilted her head in mild confusion. "Smell? I was fighting sea monsters and pirates. I suppose that might cause perspiration."
Roy struggled to be polite. "Yeah, so, maybe… you should wash up? In the shower?"
Eryndra shrugged. "I can jump from the side, if that's acceptable. The ocean is right there."
"Whoa, whoa! No, you dweeb!" Roy cut in, waving his hands frantically. "On Earth—uh, I mean, in my world—we shower with water indoors. C'mon, I'll show you."
She blinked, then followed him down to the corridor leading to a compact bathroom. The door slid open and revealed Father Skeleton showering peacefully. Roy's eyes narrowed in irritation. After quickly ushering the bone man from the shower he turned back to Eryndra with a tired smile.
"So you just stand in this box?" Eryndra asked. "That's it?"
"Pretty much," Roy said, stepping in to twist a knob. Water sputtered out of the showerhead. "You use shampoo, body wash, these bottles here, and rinse off. Then you're good."
Before he could elaborate, Eryndra strode straight under the spray, armor and all, water streaming across the metal plates.
Roy gawked. "Hey, you're supposed to—oh my god—"
She glanced at him with a faint frown. "Should I not shower in my gear?"
"No! You shower naked, dummy!" Roy exclaimed, face heating.
"Oh—my mistake," Eryndra said calmly, beginning to undo her armor straps without hesitation.
Roy screeched, clapping both hands over his eyes. "Gah! Wait till I'm gone, you idiot!" He spun around so fast he nearly banged his head on the doorframe. "Serenity! Search relevant media on the Allphone and… give her instructions! I'm out!"
He bolted from the room, cheeks burning like a furnace. Father Skeleton gave him a proud thumbs up as Roy passed by.
He tried to concentrate on lunch about thirty minutes later, sitting in a small mess hall area. A cluster of Presidroids sat in silent attendance, occasionally sipping imaginary tea. Across the table, Eryndra joined him, hair damp but clean, wearing fresh clothes from the Infinite Wardrobe copy. No more briny stench, just the faint, floral soap smell. Roy did his best not to look flustered.
He coughed, focusing on the meal. "So… how was your first real shower?"
"Complicated," Eryndra admitted, "but… refreshing."
Roy nodded, nibbling on a sandwich. Thin slices of magical fish from Noruma with some Earth greens. Eryndra devoured hers with gusto. The tension in the air was tangible, but neither addressed the armor-in-the-shower fiasco. Roy was just relieved he didn't have to inhale sweaty gear anymore.
One of the Base-Model Presidroids approached with a pitcher of water, stiffly pouring it for them. Roy noted how painfully normal this lunch felt, despite the massive guns, the weird AI, and the ex-wife who nearly stripped in front of him.
"We should do something fun," he murmured mid-bite, surprising even himself.
Eryndra tilted her head. "Fun… like fighting giant squids?"
He snorted. "Absolutely not. I'm talking about something normal. Like a game. We have a table tennis set that actually was part of the ship's standard accessories."
Eryndra's eyes flickered with intrigue. "A… table tennis?"
"Ping-pong," Roy clarified, a faint grin forming. "C'mon, I'll show you."
Within a spare rec-room Roy had discovered near the lower deck, they cleared space for a fold-out ping-pong table. He set up the net, rummaging for paddles and a ball, feeling an odd wave of nostalgia. Back home, he was top ten among all the clubs in the three major cities. He had even placed 2rd in the world for his age bracket the year prior. It was one thing he could do without messing up.
Eryndra picked up a paddle, eyebrows raised. "We strike the ball across this net?"
"Yeah, simplest game in the world," Roy said, tossing a ball in the air. "Ready?"
He served, a neat, practiced spin. Eryndra's reflexes blurred—CRACK—and she slammed it back so hard the ball nearly vanished. Roy didn't even move; it whizzed past him like a bullet, hitting the wall with a loud thwap.
He stood there, paddle frozen. "Uh… whoa," he squeaked.
Eryndra frowned. "Too strong?"
"Just a bit," Roy croaked. He fetched another ball, tried again. She served this time—FWISH—and the ball soared so fast Roy didn't see it. He flinched as it ricocheted off the floor.
"Alright, let's tone down your super strength, yeah?" he scolded, cheeks burning. "Play like a normal human, please."
She huffed sheepishly. "I'll try."
They resumed, volleying carefully. Eryndra dialed down her power, while Roy's practiced skill kicked in. He returned shots with spin and precision. She countered with quick reflexes. Soon, they had a decent rally going—click, click, click—the two exchanging grins, jibes, and the occasional mis-hit.
For the first time since arriving in this insane realm, Roy felt carefree. He actually laughed when Eryndra whiffed a tricky serve, sending the ball spinning across the table at a weird angle.
"Wow," he said, panting lightly. "This is kinda… fun."
She smiled, a soft glow in her eyes. "It is."
They played until Roy's arm ached, Eryndra teasing him about stamina. The tension gripping Roy's shoulders for days melted, replaced by refreshing silliness. He found himself grinning so hard his cheeks hurt.
"Now you stink," Eryndra joked.
"Sh-shut up!"
That was when a sudden warning beep pierced the rec-room speaker.
"Captain," Serenity's voice said calmly, "we have multiple vessels approaching from the east. Possibly pirate in nature. Larger than before. I recommend you come topside."
Roy's pulse spiked, ping-pong euphoria evaporating. "More pirates? Already?" He tossed the paddle aside and sprinted for the deck, Eryndra close behind.
At the rail, Roy grabbed binoculars. A cluster of ships loomed on the horizon, far bigger than the tiny sloop they'd chased off that morning. Their sails flapped in the wind, cannons lining the decks. The glaring sun illuminated an ominous banner on the largest vessel: a sigil in crude red letters spelling KAIN.
Roy felt his stomach twist. "Serenity," he murmured, voice tight, "any intel on that name?"
"How would I know?" she replied, "regardless, these vessels appear hostile. They're arraying in a battle formation."
Eryndra leaned over his shoulder, reading the banner. "Kain… never heard of it. But then again, I don't know anything at all about this world as well."
"Do you two have anything useful to say?" Roy groaned.
The day was going to shift into something far more menacing. He squared his shoulders, forcing calm.
"Alright, guess this is our next challenge. Let's see if they're friend or foe, but something tells me we're in for another fight."
As the black silhouette of the fleet inched closer and the warship's sensors blinked red, Roy's earlier smile vanished. He had just tasted a peaceful, normal moment, but peace never lasted long in this world.
The morning sun glimmered across calm waters—at least, calm for about five seconds. Roy stood on the battleship's bridge, sipping lukewarm tea, courtesy of a Presidroid's attempt at being a butler, while Eryndra quietly scanned the horizon.
Before the Presidroid left, he leaned in to Roy and whispered, "Would you like your usual battle sandwich?"
"No need!" Roy barked before a low alert tone beeped from Serenity's console.
"Captain, the fleet approaches," Serenity said, her voice free of flourish. "Nine ships, bearing dark sails. They're launching something…magmatic."
"Magmatic?" Roy repeated. "Like flaming balls of lava?"
Eryndra peered at the external camera feed. "They're hurling molten projectiles. Magic, perhaps?"
"Great. Another day in paradise." Roy groaned. He took one last gulp of tea and set the mug aside.
Through the forward windows, he saw arcs of glowing lava-lumps streak the sky—only to be met by the battleship's CIWS autocannons in a cacophony of rapid fire. Explosions of molten rock scattered harmlessly over the sea.
Roy's pulse quickened. It was the first time humans had tried lethal magic on him. He'd never intended to kill anyone, but if they were literally trying to fry him alive… Might not have a choice.
The lead pirate ship accelerated, dragging smaller vessels in its wake, circling Roy's warship with surprising agility. They fired standard cannonballs next, which pinged off the iron hull like pebbles. Yet they kept firing, undeterred.
"Should we return lethal fire?" a Base Presidroid asked.
Roy bit his lip. "We… I…"
He hesitated again. Some part of him clung to the hope the pirates might give up. Then something truly foul soared onto the deck, a rusted bucket that landed with a wet splat, oozing a disgusting brownish liquid.
Roy gaped in disbelief. "Is that…"
Serenity scanned it. "…their excrement, yes."
"THEIR SHIT BUCKET?!" Roy roared, eyes flaring. The theoretical stench hit him like a wall.
Fury overtook him. He strode to the captain's chair and sat down with a posture of cold contempt, legs crossed, chin resting on one hand. Eryndra curled an eyebrow at his sudden mood shift.
"Blind him," Roy spat, voice eerily calm.
"Pardon?" Serenity asked.
"That lesser captain who threw it, use the laser system and blind both eyes. Then, burn every rope and sail on that ship. If the fire spreads, douse it afterward. I want them alive, drifting uselessly on the ocean."
Eryndra let out a startled laugh. "Oho… that's… dramatic."
"They threw a literal bucket of feces at me," Roy muttered darkly. "No mercy."
Within seconds, the battleship's precision laser arrays locked on to the offending pirate ship. A searing invisible beam flicked out. Roy heard a distant scream, clearly the captain who'd tossed the bucket. He howled, clutching his face.
Next, thin laser lines danced across masts and rigging, instantly burning sails and ropes. Flames crackled, turning the ship's canvas to ash. Frantic pirates tried to smother the fires. When it spread too far, Serenity unleashed water cannons, half-drowning them. The end result was a half-charred, half-soaked vessel with no sails, no rigging, and a blind, shrieking captain. Exactly as Roy commanded: afloat but directionless.
He leaned back, exhaling a quiet hmph.
Suddenly, one of the Super Elite Presidroids, Theodore Roosevelt, twitched. Roy caught the subtle movement out of the corner of his eye.
"…Sir," Teddy said, "may I request permission to board one of the other ships? I'd like a… personal go at them."
Roy blinked. A Presidroid asking to engage? They usually waited for orders. The idea appealed to his vengeful mood.
"I don't see why not, but instead, let them grapple up here to fight on our turf instead," Roy said with a shrug. "Serenity, let them come close again. Deploy two Elites, the Super Elite Teddy and Lincoln, plus six base models. Eryndra stays with me. Lock the bridge once they're out."
Eryndra folded her arms, lips curving in amusement. "You're letting them have some fun, I see. I'm quite jealous."
"They want to fling bodily waste at me?" Roy retorted. "We'll give them a memory they can't wash off."
Serenity signaled the warship to slow, allowing a few pirate grappling hooks to latch on. The pirates, emboldened, started climbing only to find ten Presidroids waiting. Teddy and Lincoln led the charge, the Elite and Base units forming a tight rank behind them.
Screams erupted as the droids methodically disarmed and tossed pirates aside. Some were literally booted into the sea. Steel blades clanged on metal joints to no effect. The Presidroids proved unstoppable.
Roy watched on a monitor, eyes narrowed. "Teddy, leave one unharmed. Force him to clean up that… awful mess on our deck. Then kick the rest into the ocean. Let the gods sort 'em out."
"Understood," Teddy's mechanical voice replied. On-screen, a hapless pirate was dragged by two Base Models, forced to scrub the deck with a soapy brush while tears streamed down his face. Other pirates were donkey-kicked into the waves, yelling curses into the salt spray.
"Please, don't make me do this!" the pirate yelled.
Just as it seemed the fight was over, a chilling presence soared from a different ship. A lean, dark-haired figure in tattered black robes landed on the deck, eyes gleaming with malicious energy. He paid no mind to the moaning pirates scattered around.
"Heh," Roy muttered, noticing the stranger's confident smirk on the feed. "Who's that?"
Suddenly, a fireball erupted from the man's palm, blasting toward the Presidroids. Teddy and Lincoln parted, each deploying a riot shield to block the flames. The deck sizzled, metal scorching—but the droids held.
"Earth Spear!" the newcomer snarled, slamming a hand down. A massive spike of rock shot upward, nearly impaling Lincoln. He dodged, but it clipped his shoulder plating, sparks flying.
Roy's eyes widened. "He's hitting them?"
"Captain, the 'Earth Spear' partially penetrated the deck," Serenity reported calmly. "Minor damage."
The dark-haired man cackled, "I'm Riven Kain, the Deepwarden, surrender now or I sink the entire ship." Riven launched another spear, this time at the overhead glass barrier near the bridge. Roy jerked back as a spiderweb crack splintered across it. Serenity's plant body retracted into a safer sub-console. Eryndra stepped in front of Roy, her face showing only mild irritation.
"He says his name like he's important, how annoying," Eryndra said.
"Captain," Serenity's voice crackled through the speakers, "there's a door behind you leading to the captain's quarters. Retreat there for safety."
Roy's eyebrows shot up. "I have a captain's quarters? I've been sleeping in a cramped corner of the bridge for weeks!"
"You seemed like a man who enjoys staggered enjoyment, so, I withheld that info," Serenity noted matter-of-factly.
"Are you kidding me?" Roy nearly laughed, half-hysterical. He tore his focus back to the battle and turned to Eryndra. "Let's go!"
"No," she cut in, stepping forward. "Nothing gets past me."
Another Earth Spear blasted through the damaged glass. Eryndra flicked it aside with a single backhand, shattering it to dust. Riven's triumphant grin faltered.
Roy's whooped with excitement. He'd seen Eryndra's strength before, but never at this level. She batted away a giant stone missile like it was nothing. Meanwhile, Teddy and Lincoln continued brawling with the pirate, each droid sustaining light scratches or scorch marks from the man's spells.
"He's making Super Elite droids struggle? That's a first..." Roy whispered, stunned.
Riven snarled and readied another blast, eyes blazing with dark intent.
"Serenity, can we—" Roy began, but a fresh earth spear rocked the deck, cutting him off.
Eryndra braced herself, ready to intercept. Roy stood behind her, heart pounding. Outside the shattered glass, Riven's laughter rose, echoing across the metal deck.
Then, everything froze for half a breath.