The peaceful village afternoon was occasionally interrupted by distant screams and furious cursing. The villagers had long since learned to ignore the strange happenings around Chunhe's hut. Every now and then, someone would glance up at the clear sky, hear an explosion, and shrug.
"Must be that guy again."
Meanwhile, inside the hut, Chunhe was curled up in a corner of his spatial form, trembling like a beaten dog.
"No rumbles. No flickering lights. No divine retribution… Maybe—maybe it's finally over?"
He swallowed, wiped his sweat, and slowly, very slowly, sneaked out of his spatial form.
Chunhe let out a forced laugh, waving a hand like he was swatting away bad luck. "Hah… brother heaven i was just joking! Just… uh… some deep cultivation joke ! You know, gotta reflect on life and all that!"
He stiffly walked past cautiously, like a man expecting divine judgment at any moment.
He reached the door. His handshaking as he gripped the handle. He swallowed. Then, with the caution of someone who had faked his own death to escape debt but wasn't sure if the collectors had finally given up, he pushed the door open just a sliver—just enough to peek outside.
He held his breath.
Nothing.
The butterflies fluttered, flowers blossomed.
The sun was shining. Birds were chirping. The villagers went about their day, harvesting the crops.
Chunhe exhaled in relief.
"Hah… See? I was just overthinking. Heaven wouldn't actually hold a grudge, right? I mean, it's all-powerful! It has better things to do than—"
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
Three at once
Lightning struck him directly on the head.
A bolt of lightning shot down like it had been personally offended by his existence.
"GRAAAAAAAAAH—!!!"
Chunhe flew back inside, crashing into a pile of wooden crates. His hut shook. Smoke curled around him. Then, realization dawned.
His head was on fire.
"AAAAAHHHH! I'M BURNING!"
He shot up, flailing, sprinting in wild circles around the hut. His arms flapped uselessly, kicking up dust and knocking over everything in sight. Pots shattered, books tumbled, a poor stool met an untimely death.
"WATER—WATER—WHERE'S THE—"
Without looking, his hand found a jar. Desperation took over. He flung the liquid over his head.
The flames rose higher.
Then, the scent of wine filled the air.
The Flower Demon, watching through its vine mirror, quivered slightly—perhaps suppressing laughter.
Meanwhile, Chunhe shrieked and flung himself onto the ground, rolling like a donkey. After what felt like an day (and several more bruises), the flames finally died out, leaving his hair a frizzed, half-burnt mess.
He ran inside the spatial farm
He lay there, twitching. His soul barely clung to his body.
"…I think I'm screwed."
A shadow loomed over him.
Soft fingers brushed against his cheek, gently wiping away the soot. Chunhe blinked. Flower Demon was kneeling beside him, lips pressed together, eyes filled with something warm.
His heart skipped. "You—You wouldn't be thinking of finishing me off, right?"
Her brow furrowed slightly. "Why would I do that?"
Chunhe inched back. "To, uh, put me out of my misery? If I were in your place, I might—ow ow ow—okay, okay! No more jokes!"
She had pinched his cheek, she oddly patient. "Stop squirming. You're covered in dust."
Chunhe blinked again, mind spinning. He narrowed his eyes. "…Wait. Are you trying to woe me?"
Flower Demon sighed, took out a cloth, and continued dabbing at his face. keep quet for a moment.
Chunhe stiffened. "Yes."
A moment of silence.
BOOM!
Thunder rumbled outside. Chunhe yelped and dove behind flower demon.
Flower Demon's eye twitched.
Meanwhile, on the other side of the field, Big D, Big F, and Xiaohua were playing together.
Flower Demon had taken a particular liking to Xiaohua and was now spoiling her absolutely rotten.
"Xiaohua, do you want to ride on Big F?" Flower Demon cooed.
Xiaohua giggled as Big F wiggled around, letting the little demon perch on his head.
Big D's eye twitched. He wanted to join in.
Chunhe, nodded too still scared to go outside, wanted to hide in the spatial farm until Heaven's wrath had passed. He watched the Flower Demon playing with Big F, Big D, and Xiaohua, a distant longing in his eyes.
With the elegance of a master strategist, he inched forward—only to be blocked by Big D, the ultimate gatekeeper.
Chunhe gaped. "Big D, buddy, pal, move aside—"
Big D didn't move.
Chunhe took a deep breath, tried to step around. Big D shifted.
"…Don't be like this, man. Let me in—"
Big D squinted at him.
Chunhe immediately called the pigs name.
big d looked around in a panic. chunhe was gone.
"Ahem." He cleared his throat,
Flower Demon looked up and smiled like a mother watching her foolish child.
"For today, I tell you the tale of how my beauty almost destroyed the heavens."
Xiaohua sat at my feet, eyes wide. Big D crossed his arms. Flower Demon smirked, waiting for the nonsense to unfold.
I took a deep breath and began.
It all started the day I looked into a pond.
A simple pond. A harmless puddle. A mirror gifted by nature itself. I leaned over to take a sip of water—thirsty after absolutely obliterating a band of sky bandits (which is a story for another time)—and that's when I saw it.
My reflection.
Perfection. Divine. Celestial. Perhaps even beyond celestial. My cheekbones were carved by the gods themselves. My jawline could cut through steel. My eyes? A cosmic abyss of endless allure. I stared, mesmerized, and thought—
"No one in this world should be this handsome."
And that's when the sky cracked.
A thousand celestial deities turned their heads at once. The Heavenly Bureau of Looks and Vanity (yes, that's a real department, don't ask me how I know) received an emergency alarm. Gods spilled their tea. Immortals dropped their peach wine. The Jade Emperor himself sat up in his throne, his golden eyebrows furrowing as he murmured in disbelief—
"Someone in the mortal realm dares to be more handsome than me?"
And so, the wrath of Heaven descended upon me.
It started small.
A divine wind blew my hair out of place. (Pathetic.)
A passing thunder god tried to smite me with a bolt of lightning. (Dodged it and used the flash to enhance my jawline.)
A celestial bureaucrat came down with a scroll, announcing in a dull voice, "By order of the Heavenly Court, mortal Chunhe is to be—"
I ripped the scroll from his hands, skimmed through it, and burst out laughing. "Ha! You fools! You think you can banish me for simply existing? What crime have I committed? Being too good-looking?"
"Yes."
"Oh."
But I wasn't going to let them erase my magnificence. No, I rebelled.
The first battle took place in the middle of a bustling marketplace, where I had just finished helping myself to a nice new robe (yes, I stole it, what of it?). The Heavenly Generals appeared in a flash of golden light, surrounding me with their holy spears.
"Come quietly, Chunhe!" they bellowed. "Your face is a crime against cosmic balance!"
I flipped my new robe dramatically. "If looking this good is illegal, then—" I pointed my finger at the heavens, my grin dazzling "—I shall become the greatest outlaw the world has ever seen!"
And then I threw a watermelon at them.
Chaos erupted.
Spears clashed, rooftops shattered, people screamed. I leaped, dodged, parried, countered. They were fast, but I was faster. I took down three of them with a single smoldering gaze. One of them simply fainted when I tossed my hair.
Then came the Divine Mirror Formation—twenty celestial soldiers wielding enchanted mirrors designed to reflect my own beauty back at me, hoping I would be overwhelmed.
Idiots.
I used the mirrors to check my angles, adjusted my hair mid-battle, and then shattered them with a single flick of my sleeve. "Your tricks are pathetic," I sneered. "Even the heavens themselves cannot handle my handsomeness."
Then came the Heavenly Beautician Sect—a secret order dedicated to 'adjusting' the features of unruly mortals. Armed with divine razors, enchanted powders, and silk-thread scalpels, they descended upon me, screaming, "YOUR JAWLINE MUST BE REGULATED!"
I screamed back, "OVER MY BEAUTIFUL FACE!"
We fought atop a burning pagoda. They tried to trim my eyebrows—I countered by stealing their eyebrow pencil and perfecting mine instead. One attempted to curse my skin into blemishes—he failed, for I am naturally flawless. Another dared to suggest cutting my hair—I destroyed him.
But then… THEN…
The gods unleashed their final weapon.
THE HANSOME FILTER.
A celestial artifact forged in the heart of a dying star, capable of warping the appearance of anything it touched. With a single flash, it could turn the most radiant being into a lumpy, average mortal.
They activated it.
The skies split open. A beam of divine, cursed light shot toward me, aiming to distort my perfection—
But I caught it with my bare hands.
The gods gasped. Time stopped. The heavens trembled. I smirked. "A filter? You think this can contain my beauty?" I gripped the light itself, bent it to my will, and reversed it—
The filter shattered.
The shockwave knocked the gods back. The skies darkened. The world itself could barely contain the sheer magnificence I had just unleashed.
And that, my friends, is how I declared war on Heaven.
Chunhe took a deep breath, looking over his stunned audience. Xiaohua was practically vibrating with excitement. Big D just pinched the bridge of his nose, and Flower Demon sighed, half-amused, half-exhausted.
"You're a menace," she muttered.
Chunhe grinned, flicking his sleeve. "A beautiful menace."
Outside, thunder rumbled.
Xiaohua clapped her hands. "Father! What happened next?!"
Chunhe's smile faltered slightly as he glanced at the darkening sky.
"...Well," he said, rubbing the back of his head. "Technically, the war's not over yet."
A bolt of divine lightning struck the roof.