Beacon Academy - Team RWBY's Dorm Room
The air in the room was thick enough to choke a Nevermore.
Team RWBY and Team JNPR sat in a miserable circle on the floor, looking less like elite Huntsmen-in-training and more like criminals awaiting sentencing. Meanwhile, Hemera sat innocently atop Weiss's perfectly made bed, swinging her legs back and forth while humming a cheerful little tune that sounded dangerously close to the Candy Land theme.
Standing at the doorway with his arms crossed, Onyx Thorn looked like the physical manifestation of judgment itself. His broad frame blocked the exit completely, his coat hanging like a shadow around him as glowing amethyst eyes swept across the room with terrifying calm.
"Since all of you knew Blake possessed that..." Onyx paused, visibly disgusted, "...box of degeneracy called Ninjas of Love and none of you bothered to ask her where she hid it-or better yet, told me so that I could have thrown it into a volcano-I have reached a conclusion."
The room collectively stopped breathing.
Jaune looked moments away from achieving spiritual enlightenment purely to escape reality.
"You are all guilty," Onyx declared flatly.
"GUILTY?!" Weiss practically screeched, shooting upright so fast she nearly fell over. "How is this my fault?! How was I supposed to know she'd stashed her smut under the bunk like a common litterer instead of hiding it in a safe or locked box like a responsible person?!"
"Incorrect." Onyx's voice remained calm, which somehow made it worse. "You shared airspace with the contraband. Proximity is participation."
"That's not how laws work!" Weiss shouted.
"Maybe not Atlas laws." Onyx narrowed his eyes slightly. "But they are now."
Weiss stared at him in absolute betrayal, like reality itself had personally stabbed her.
"And as punishment," Onyx continued mercilessly, "you are going to explain the birds and the bees to my daughter. I refuse to let her learn biology through Blake's garbage literature and phrases like 'heaving bosoms' and 'throbbing passion'"
Silence.
Utter. Absolute. Silence.
Weiss's soul visibly left her body.
"WHAT?!"
"Whoa, whoa, hold on there, Big Bad Wolf!" Yang raised both hands defensively, suddenly looking more frightened than she had during actual Grimm attacks. "That is way above our pay grade! Dad didn't even give me and Ruby that talk until we were older! You're skipping, like... several levels of childhood innocence here!"
Onyx didn't even blink.
"Then consider this a preemptive strike against Blake's influence."
Blake looked seconds away from throwing herself out the window.
"Besides," Onyx continued, now sounding disturbingly reasonable, "all of you are inevitably going to explain this to a child someday. Think of this as practical training."
A faint smirk tugged at the corner of his mouth.
"And to be absolutely clear, I expect proper scientific terminology. No storks. No magic cabbage fields. No 'special hugs.' And absolutely no birds physically delivering babies."
Jaune's face lost what little color it had left.
"Scientific terms?!" he yelped, clutching his head in horror. "I'd rather fistfight a Deathstalker naked!"
Pyrrha looked seconds away from combusting.
"Onyx, please!" she squeaked, somehow turning redder than her own hair. "We're teenagers! We are not emotionally prepared for this responsibility!"
Ren, meanwhile, had gone eerily silent. His eyes subtly flicked toward the open window, calmly calculating escape angles, wind resistance, and whether landing in a shrub would break both legs or only one.
Nora wasn't even laughing.
That was the truly horrifying part.
Instead, she stared at Blake with the wounded expression of someone discovering their best friend had secretly been a supervillain all along.
Speaking of which, Blake looked miserable. She was already mentally drafting the five-page essay Ozpin had assigned her, and now she had Nora looking at her like that.
Ruby suddenly shot upright in desperation.
"Onyx, please," she begged, clasping her hands together. "I'm still recovering from the cafeteria incident. My brain is literally medium rare right now! I can't do this! I'll clean your office for a month! I'll even wash the Shadow Phantom!"
"No."
One word. Final. Absolute.
"Besides," Onyx added while pointing directly at Yang and Nora, "those two were clearly having the time of their lives back at the cafeteria."
Yang and Nora immediately became deeply fascinated by the floorboards.
Ruby collapsed face-first onto the floor. Defeated, broken, and possibly dead.
"Papa?" Hemera asked innocently, tilting her head. "What's the birds and the bees?"
The entire room froze again.
Onyx's expression softened instantly as he looked at her, the terrifying pressure in the room easing for the briefest moment.
"They," he said calmly while pointing at the horrified teenagers, "will be explaining it to you, Little Light."
Then he looked back at the teams.
His aura flared ever so slightly. Shadows stretched unnaturally along the walls as the temperature in the dorm dropped enough for everyone to suddenly become aware of their own mortality.
"Right!?"
Everyone nodded so fast it looked medically dangerous.
"Excellent."
Onyx turned toward the door.
"Make it count. I'll be back in two hours."
"TWO HOURS?!" Ruby shrieked, like he was abandoning them on a sinking ship. "WHY IS THERE A TIME LIMIT?!"
"Because," Onyx replied without turning around, "by the time I return, Hemera should know basic biology..."
He opened the door.
"...and at least one of you should be crying."
The door closed.
A long, horrible silence filled the dorm room.
10 Seconds Later...
Pure chaos.
"WE ARE SO SCREWED!" Yang groaned, pacing frantic circles around the dorm like a caged animal while violently dragging both hands through her hair. "Nope! Nope, nope, nope! Absolutely not! I punch nightmare monsters for a living! I do not explain reproductive systems to tiny children!"
Blake sat curled into the corner like her soul had already left her body. Her face was buried so deeply into her palms that her Faunus ears were flattened in pure despair.
"I want to die," she mumbled. "I want the floor to split open and drag me screaming into the abyss."
Weiss sat perfectly upright on the bed with the rigid posture of someone enduring state-sponsored psychological warfare.
"I am NOT," she declared with aristocratic horror, "explaining Human and Faunus reproduction to a five-year-old child."
"Then who's gonna do it?!" Jaune whisper-yelled, throwing both hands into the air so hard he nearly slapped Ren in the face. "Because I am this close to legally changing my name and fleeing to Vacuo if I have to say the word 'vagina' in front of her, and Professor Doomshadow is coming back in less than two hours!"
Ren spoke with the calm serenity of a man whose spirit had already ascended.
"Statistically speaking, one of us was always destined to suffer."
"Not me," Nora said immediately, scooting several feet away from the group. "I reject destiny."
Then-
Every single head in the room slowly turned toward Ruby.
Ruby froze mid-breath.
Her silver eyes widened in absolute betrayal.
"...Why are you all looking at me?" she asked weakly. "No. No, absolutely not. I rebuke this. I reject this burden."
"Oh, come on, Ruby!" Nora pointed at her like an accusing lawyer. "You're basically her 'Mama' now! This is a fully certified Mom Problem!"
Ruby let out a wounded noise and folded in on herself, forehead smacking against her knees.
"Onyx is evil," she groaned. "Cruel. Heartless. A menace to society. I'm breaking up with him for three whole days."
A pause.
"...No wait, I can't. He makes pancakes shaped like crescent roses..."
Hemera tilted her head innocently, watching the collective emotional collapse around her with bright curiosity.
"So..." she asked sweetly. "What is the birds and the bees?"
Weiss inhaled slowly through her nose.
Very slowly.
The kind of inhale people took before either calming down...
...or committing murder.
"Okay," she muttered, visibly forcing herself into survival mode. "Fine. We explain this in the most clinical, educational, age-appropriate way possible."
Yang immediately pointed at her like she'd just volunteered for execution.
"Great. You do it."
"What?!"
"You're the smart one!" Yang argued desperately. "You use fancy rich-person words! I can barely say 'photosynthesis' without sounding drunk!"
Blake peeked through her fingers.
"You are avoiding responsibility."
"Yes!" Yang snapped instantly. "Correct! Gold star observation skills, Blake! Because if I say one wrong thing, Onyx is going to invent a new form of detention specifically for us!"
Jaune looked horrified.
"He can't do that! That's abuse of authority! That's probably illegal!"
Yang stared at him blankly.
"When there's a will, there's an Onyx way."
Everyone nodded grimly.
Because that sounded terrifyingly accurate.
Blake slowly lowered her hands. "Can we fake our deaths before he gets back?"
"No," Ren answered immediately.
"Why not?"
"We all know he will find us."
The room collectively shuddered.
Because yes.
Yes he absolutely would.
Jaune pinched the bridge of his nose so hard it looked painful.
"Okay. Okay. We stay calm. We stay scientific. Nobody improvises."
Nora immediately raised her hand.
"What if we panic?"
"We will panic," Ren corrected calmly.
"Wait!" Ruby suddenly exclaimed, shooting upright. "Maybe... maybe we should ask what she already knows first! Maybe she already understands some of it!"
Weiss pointed at her so fast it looked aggressive.
"YES. Good. Excellent. Finally, a thought produced by sanity."
"Agreed," Ren nodded solemnly. "Establishing prior understanding is logically sound."
Jaune looked seconds away from crying tears of gratitude.
"Ruby... thank you. Thank you for bringing reason back into this nightmare."
Ruby did not look confident about being humanity's last hope.
Very carefully, she turned toward Hemera, who was still happily kicking her legs on the bed without a single concern in the world.
"Sweetie..." Ruby began carefully, her voice cracking halfway through the sentence. "Before we... uh... start... where do you think babies come from?"
Hemera lit up instantly.
"Oh! That's super easy, Mama!" she chirped happily. "They come from the river!"
The entire room went dead silent.
"...The river?" Blake repeated weakly.
"Yeah!" Hemera nodded enthusiastically, silver eyes sparkling with pure childlike wonder. "The exact same way Papa found me! If you want a baby, you just go to a river at night with a basket! And if the river likes you enough, it gives you one!"
Silence.
Absolute silence.
"It's so easy!" Hemera continued happily. "If you want a baby, Mama, you just need a basket and a nice river!"
Something inside Team RWBY and Team JNPR collectively shattered.
It was too cute.
Too innocent.
Well... okay, maybe it wasn't completely innocent, as her taste in cinematic entertainment was horrifying beyond mortal comprehension-the girl had watched Candy Land with an unblinking fascination while everyone was a mess and Jaune had punched himself unconscious trying to escape the onscreen gore-but this?
This was devastatingly wholesome.
"Oh my gods..." Weiss whispered, visibly melting. "That is... that is the most precious thing I have ever heard."
"It's so innocent," Pyrrha breathed, clutching her chest. "She thinks life is just... a gift from the water..."
"It feels illegal how adorable that is," Yang muttered, wiping a stray tear. "I actually feel like a monster for what we're about to do to that brain of hers."
"I can't do it," Ruby whispered, clutching her head in agony. "Look at her! She believes in magical river babies!"
"We have to," Weiss groaned, sounding personally victimized by fate itself. "If Onyx comes back and asks where babies come from and she says 'the river,' he's going to release the Nuckelavee during combat training out of spite."
"That feels weirdly believable," Jaune muttered.
"Alright..." Ruby whimpered. "Okay, Hemera... the river thing is... really sweet..."
She looked desperately at Weiss.
Weiss looked at Yang.
Yang looked at the ceiling like she was begging the Brothers for death.
"...Fine!" Weiss snapped suddenly, standing up with the determination of someone marching toward execution. "I'll do it first, you cowards!"
She adjusted her skirt with trembling hands.
"Hemera," Weiss began with forced composure, "in the biological sense, a child is created when-"
Her face then turned a shade of crimson that shouldn't be possible. "When a... male gamete... encounters a female ovum..."
Hemera blinked. "A gam-what?"
"A SEED!" Yang blurted out in panic. "It's like planting a seed!"
"Like flowers?" Hemera asked brightly.
"NO!" everyone screamed instantly.
"Okay!" Jaune shouted toward the ceiling. "Hemera, the male has an organ called a-"
He choked violently, it looked like his soul visibly attempted to evacuate his body. He then grabbed Ren by the shoulders.
"Ren. Brother. You're the calm one. Say the word."
Ren stared into the distance with dead eyes.
"The anatomy," he said quietly, "involves the transfer of genetic material through the..."
He looked physically ill.
"...penis."
Blake immediately let out a muffled scream directly into a pillow.
Hemera blinked innocently.
"What's a pe-nis?" she asked, enunciating every syllable with terrifying clarity.
Ruby made a noise like a malfunctioning kettle.
"It's-it's what boys have!" she squeaked, pulling her cape halfway over her face. "And girls have... have..."
She looked at Weiss in desperation.
"WEISS, HELP ME!"
"The vagina!" Weiss barked with the fury of a woman abandoned by the gods themselves. "It's called a vagina, Hemera! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW, ONYX?! I'M SCREAMING ABOUT GENITALIA TO A CHILD!"
Somewhere far away, thunder rumbled ominously.
For the next forty-five minutes, the dorm room became a monument to academic suffering.
Pyrrha attempted to explain fertilization using a diagram sketched onto a napkin, only to hallucinate a tiny imaginary Onyx standing on her shoulder growling:
"Use proper terminology."
This forced her into using phrases like fallopian tubes and uterine lining while visibly dying inside.
Yang spent most of the lesson face-down on the carpet, slowly dragging herself across the floor like a wounded soldier.
Jaune had wrapped himself in a blanket and was whispering prayers.
Blake had entered a state of emotional dissociation.
Nora somehow ended up giving a surprisingly accurate explanation involving chromosomes before immediately realizing what she'd done and screaming into Ren's shoulder.
Finally, after nearly an hour of nonstop suffering-
Hemera furrowed her brow thoughtfully.
"So..." she said slowly. "The daddy puts his... 'sperm' into the mommy's... 'birth canal'?"
Yang clawed at the carpet.
"Yes," she groaned into the floorboards. "That is unfortunately the general concept."
"And then the egg grows into a baby?"
"Exactly," Ruby whispered weakly, looking like she'd survived a direct hit from a Fall Maiden.
Hemera tilted her head again.
"Does it hurt?"
Every girl in the room answered instantly.
"YES."
Two Hours Later...
The dorm room door opened.
Onyx Thorn stepped inside.
And immediately walked into the aftermath of psychological devastation.
The room looked less like a student dorm and more like the survivors' section of a battlefield.
Weiss sat frozen upright on the edge of her bed, staring blankly at the wall with the expression of someone who had seen the end of civilization and found it deeply disappointing. Her hair was slightly disheveled. Her posture remained elegant purely out of spite.
Yang was still face-down on the floor.
One arm stretched weakly toward the heavens as she muttered brokenly into the carpet.
"I miss Dad... Dad waited until we were older... Dad was a saint..."
Jaune was curled into the fetal position beneath a blanket, whispering to himself.
"No more reproductive systems... no more reproductive systems..."
Ren stood silently beside the window with his hands behind his back. His body was present, his soul absolutely was not.
Nora clung to his leg like a koala clinging to the last surviving tree after an apocalypse.
Pyrrha looked like she had just returned from a war she personally lost. Her hair was messy. Her shoulders slumped.
She was still holding the napkin diagram.
The cursed napkin diagram.
Meanwhile Blake had somehow managed to partially disappear beneath her own bedsheets, as if attempting to evolve camouflage through sheer shame alone.
Ruby was sitting in the middle of the floor wrapped entirely in her cloak like a traumatized burrito.
Only her eyes were visible.
And they held nothing but suffering.
Onyx calmly took all of this in.
Then he closed the door behind him.
"...I see the lesson went well."
Eight exhausted teenagers immediately glared at him with the fury of betrayed soldiers.
Onyx ignored them completely and looked toward the tiny silver-eyed girl sitting happily on Weiss's bed.
"Hemera," he said calmly. "What did you learn?"
Hemera beamed brightly.
The sheer innocence radiating from her was almost enough to heal the room.
Almost.
"I learned babies don't come from the river!" she announced proudly. "They come from internal fertilization and gestation!"
Weiss made a horrible wheezing noise somewhere between a dying accordion and a soul leaving the mortal plane.
Yang rolled over dramatically and covered her face.
Jaune whimpered beneath the blanket.
Onyx nodded once in approval.
"Good. Accuracy is important."
The room collectively looked seconds away from violence.
Then-
A faint smirk tugged at the corner of Onyx's mouth.
"I trust this experience was educational for all of you as well?"
Weiss's eye twitched so violently it almost qualified as a medical emergency.
"I hate you," she whispered weakly. "I hate your coat. I hate your logic. I hate your stupid emotionally stable face."
Onyx shrugged.
"Lesson learned."
He walked calmly across the room toward Blake.
Blake immediately stiffened like prey sensing a predator.
Onyx placed a hand atop her head.
Not gently.
Not affectionately.
It was the kind of head pat that carried the spiritual weight of a formal threat.
"I hope you've learned something from this, Blake."
Blake slowly curled tighter into the bedsheets.
"Next time," Onyx continued calmly, "hide your 'literature' better."
A pause.
"Or preferably don't possess it at all."
Blake let out the muffled groan of a woman whose entire existence had become one endless mistake.
"I'm burning them," she mumbled into the mattress. "I'm burning every single one tonight."
"Wise decision."
Suddenly Ruby shot up from the floor.
Still wrapped in her cloak like an angry burrito of vengeance.
She marched directly toward Onyx, grabbed the front of his coat, and yanked him downward until their faces were inches apart.
"You," she said slowly, voice filled with exhausted fury, "owe me."
Onyx looked completely unbothered.
Then he leaned down and kissed her softly.
The entire room froze.
Even Ren blinked.
Ruby's anger immediately short-circuited.
Her face turned bright red as her shoulders relaxed against him.
"...You're still evil," she mumbled weakly.
"I'll make it up to you later."
Ruby sighed deeply and leaned into his chest.
"You better."
"Papa?" Hemera asked innocently.
Both Onyx and Ruby looked toward her.
Hemera tilted her head curiously, silver eyes sparkling.
"Can I have a little brother or sister someday?"
Ruby immediately made a sound like a dying bird crashing into a window.
Weiss choked.
Yang's head snapped upward so violently it almost gave her whiplash.
Jaune sat upright in sheer panic.
And for the very first time that day-
Onyx Thorn looked genuinely embarrassed.
A faint blush rapidly spread across his face and ears while he coughed awkwardly into his fist, his usual composed expression cracking under the concentrated force of emotional damage.
The room went dead silent.
Because this was historic.
The Youngest Professor of Beacon Academy.
The terrifying prodigy who can stare down the largest of Grimm without blinking...
Was blushing.
Yang gasped like she had witnessed a cryptid in the wild.
"OH MY GODS."
Her scroll appeared in her hands at lightspeed.
CLICK.
A picture.
CLICK CLICK.
Another picture.
"HE'S EMBARRASSED!" Yang laughed loudly. "HAHAHA! RUBY LOOK! LOOK AT HIS FACE! THIS IS NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC LEVEL RARE-"
FWIP.
A kunai made entirely of darkness suddenly shot across the room with terrifying precision.
THUNK.
Yang's scroll was pinned directly to the wall inches from her hand.
The entire room froze.
Yang slowly turned her head and stared at the black kunai that pinned her scroll.
Then Slowly...
Very slowly...
She lowered her hands.
"...Understood."
Onyx calmly lowered his arm.
The blush remained.
Which somehow made it even funnier.
Nora immediately bit her fist to stop herself from laughing.
Pyrrha turned away to hide her smile.
Even Blake peeked out from the bedsheets to witness the impossible event.
Ruby, meanwhile, looked moments away from exploding out of pure affection.
Onyx cleared his throat again, desperately trying to recover what remained of his dignity.
"...Perhaps one day, Little Light."
Hemera gasped happily.
"Really?!"
"Maybe," Onyx muttered quickly. "Now go get your shoes. We're going to the library."
"Okay!"
Hemera hopped off the bed and ran to grab her shoes, completely unaware she had just inflicted catastrophic emotional damage across the entire room.
As Onyx turned toward the door, Ruby quietly grabbed his sleeve again.
This time gently.
He glanced down at her.
Ruby smiled tiredly.
"...You'd be a good dad again, you know."
Onyx's expression softened instantly.
He brushed a hand gently through her hair.
"You survived today," he replied. "Clearly your judgment is compromised."
Ruby laughed weakly.
"Jerk..."
Then Onyx led Hemera toward the doorway.
But before leaving, he paused.
Without turning around, his voice carried clearly through the ruined dorm room.
"I'll also be checking the library records for any additional books matching Blake's collection."
Blake's soul audibly left her body.
The door closed.
Silence filled the room.
One minute passed.
Then two.
Then five full minutes of complete, exhausted silence.
Finally-
Weiss slowly stood up.
Adjusted her skirt with trembling hands.
Turned toward Blake with the fury of a fallen kingdom.
And spoke from the absolute bottom of her soul.
"I mean this sincerely."
A deep breath.
"FUCK YOU, BLAKE!"
(A/N: I'm sorry for the delay, I was busy with school.)