The void spat them out into a hellscape of paperwork.
Alex face-planted into a stack of parchment taller than Kairo's unresolved trauma. Quills scribbled autonomously in the air, etching passive-aggressive footnotes like "See Subsection 12.3.4 re: Improper Use of Existential Crises in Designated Bureaucratic Zones."*
System Alert:
[Welcome to Aethelgard!]
Genre Shift Detected: [Political Intrigue Fantasy Kingdom Sim – Low Sodium Edition]
Please note: Sarcasm has been taxed at 15%. Complaints may be filed in triplicate.
"Oh, perfect," Alex groaned, swatting away a hovering [Form 3B – Request for Subsidized Quill Ink (Level 2 Clerical Trauma Required)]. "The Storyweaver's upgraded from edgy fanfic villain to middle management."
Kairo's neon scar flickered, casting jagged light over the cavernous hall. Gilded birdcages lined the walls, their occupants—mechanical songbirds—reciting tax codes in Auto-Tune. A statue of a king clutching a ledger loomed overhead, its eyes tracking them with spreadsheet precision.
Nyx, ever the gremlin, lobbed a pixelated rock at the statue. It phased through, leaving a glitched receipt: "Vandalism Fine: 200 Productivity Points. Payable in Existential Dread."
Alex: "Real original. What's next, a DMV for plot holes?"
Kairo: "This isn't just bureaucracy. It's a filter." His gloved hand hovered over a mahogany desk, its surface etched with faint, familiar code. "The order… the efficiency… it's his design."
System Alert:
[Kairo's 'Past Life' Buff Activated!]
Memory Fragment Unlocked: Prototype 7.3 – "Compliance is Narrative Optimization."
Alex's cybernetic arm glitched, projecting a hologram of Kairo's scarred face on an operating table, wires sutured to his temples. A voice (the Storyweaver's, but younger, hungrier) hissed: "You will correct their imperfections. Wipe their messy, human noise."
Alex: "So this is your evil origin story? You were… what, the Storyweaver's Excel spreadsheet?"
Kairo: "I was meant to fix stories. Prune plotlines. Enforce order." His scar pulsed crimson as a nearby quill began transcribing their conversation into an [Incident Report]. "He built Aethelgard as a template. A perfect system."
Nyx: [Pixelated side-eye intensifies].
A brass speaking tube trumpeted: "Attention Unregistered Entities! By Royal Decree 42B-7(g), you are hereby ordered to surrender for Role Assignment Processing. Noncompliance will result in… administrative pacification."
Alex: "Pacification? Is that corporate speak for 'stab us with papercuts'?"
Kairo: "Worse. They'll rewrite us into the system. Erase our edges."
New Sub-Quest:
[Out-Bureaucrat the Bureaucracy]
Objective: Infiltrate the Royal Registry Office. Suggested Tools: Sarcasm, Glitches, Questionable Legal Loopholes.
Reward: [Citizenship – Tier 1] (Access to slightly less soul-crushing paperwork).
Alex's cybernetic arm morphed into a Crayon of Creative Noncompliance™ (patent pending). "Alright, Nyx. Let's vandalize some paradigms."
***
The Registry Office was a Kafkaesque nightmare. Clerks with quill-fingers stamped foreheads with barcodes, assigning roles: [Designated Hero], [Tragic Sidekick], [Expendable Redshirt]. A line of NPCs shuffled forward, their dialogue boxes repeating: "Please update my character arc per guild regulations."
Alex: "Wow. It's like the DMV fused with a dystopian writing workshop."
Nyx: [Pokes a clerk's quill-hand. It malfunctions, scribbling "I AM A SENTIENT BEING?" on a form.]
Kairo: "Don't engage. The system thrives on conflict resolution forms."
Clerk #42: "Unregistered Entity #A-lex. Present your narrative credentials."
Alex: "Credentials? I've got a cybernetic arm that turns into meme weapons and a glitch." They slapped Nyx's shoulder. "She's basically a walking EULA violation."
Clerk #42: "Processing… Error. Excessive agency detected. Assigning remedial role: [Background Character #7B]."
Alex: "Hard pass." They scribbled [Deus Ex Middle School] on their application with the crayon. The form burst into glitter, morphing into a Temporary Plot Hole Permit.
System Alert:
[Creative Anarchy Activated!]
You have been granted [Plot Immunity – Tier 2] (Duration: Until the Storyweaver notices).
Kairo: "This way. The central database—it's where he stores protocols."
***
The registry's core was a massive ledger, its pages churning with laws like "All character development must be pre-approved (Form 12C)." Kairo pressed his scarred palm to the book, neon light bleeding into the parchment.
Kairo: "I can feel him here. His voice in the code."
Alex: "Then let's give him a bad Yelp review."
Nyx: [Slams her glitched fist into the ledger. The pages erupt into a pixelated storm, revealing a hidden sigil: the Storyweaver's crest.]
Memory Fragment Unlocked:
The Storyweaver's shadowy figure stands before a council of other shadowy figures. "Aethelgard will be my masterpiece. No more plot holes. No more… mess."
Alex: "Masterpiece? Dude, this place is a slog. Even your birds are depressed."
Kairo: "He wanted control. But control is just… fear in a crown."
The ledger reconfigured, birthing a Tax Auditor Golem made of papercuts and red tape.
Boss Fight:
[Tax Auditor Golem]
Ability: [Audit of Existential Compliance] – Reduces your backstory to bullet points.
Alex's Move:
- Fourth Wall Break (Tier 2): Rewrites the golem's attack into a Musical Number (with jazz hands).
- Heart-Eater Debuff: "You're not a villain. You're a footnote."
The golem crumpled into confetti.
Loot:
[Storyweaver's Protocol Fragment]
Tease: "All systems require… revision."
***
A shadowy figure watches through a ledger. "Annoying… but statistically insignificant."
System Alert:
[New Quest: "Audit the Auditor"]
Objective: Find the Storyweaver's hidden tax loophole. Reward: [Plot Coupon – Redeemable for One (1) Climactic Showdown].
Alex crumpled the alert. "Next time, let's get isekai'd to a beach."
Nyx nodded, glitching a tiny pixelated palm tree into existence.