Miggy's POV
Meynard and I went home with my mind still in haywire. I was even more troubled by what I had discovered about my parents' marriage before I came into their lives. I gradually came to the conclusion that daddy didn't really mean the mistake he made, based on what I heard in the stories before. It is enviable to think that they have met and found each other and their marriage has been so wonderful. I then asked myself when I would be able to recognize my parents' love story as mine.
"What should I do to help my mom somehow alleviate the pain she is carrying? We're both having a hard time with what happened and I know we both haven't accepted that daddy is gone. But what I don't know is how deep the wound in mommy's heart was caused by daddy leaving us. Because even though we were both hurt and suffered, the depth was still different then, as was the impact on ourselves. For daddy, I was right to do that. I continued doing the things he didn't do. But what about mommy? How would she deal with it or how would she accept it when she found out what I was doing? About daddy, what is he thinking of mommy and me now?"
I was in the middle of drowning in a lot of turmoil in my mind when I was startled by Meynard's pat on my shoulder.
"Bro? You're thinking deeply. I said we're here, do you want me to come with you first or will I go home?" he worriedly asked me.
"Sorry. Alright, if it's okay with you to spend the night here?`` Then I unbuckled the seatbelt and opened the door so I could get out of the car.
I hadn't heard from Meynard yet, but I heard he immediately followed me as I headed to the elevator.
"Bro, honestly, it's not just ma'am Barbs I'm worried about right now. I'm also worried about you because you've always been away from yourself these past few days," he said sadly.
"I'm sorry. I'm just really struggling. I was amazed by all that happened and the fast pace. I don't know what I should think? Then my conscience bothered me more because of what I found out. I became judgmental to my own father. I couldn't help but blame myself for why it was my dad? It shouldn't be like that. It's as if I didn't recognize him when I read that card. I didn't even give him a chance to explain everything. I was dragged with too many of my emotions that afternoon. I didn't even think about what daddy could feel," I told him in frustration while we were in the elevator. It was a good thing that we were the only two on board because it was already late at night.
"Bro, as far as I have known about sir G, he wouldn't be angry with you even though that's what happened to you two at that time. I know and I'm sure he understood why you just exploded like that on him. He was hurt by what he heard from you, but he is unlikely to be angry with you just because you hurt him," he reminded me.
"No matter what angle I look at it, it's still wrong and really wrong. I have no right to judge and speak like that to dad. If I hadn't heard the story from uncle Manuel, I'm still not fully aware that what I did to dad was very inappropriate. The hardest thing to accept in the whole scenario, you know what? I was the reason daddy had a heart attack that took his life. It was as if I had already killed him, so I was having more difficulty and my conscience was swallowing me up. So, I can't tell that to mommy, because she will really despise that even though I know how much she needs me now, my presence and my support in what she's going through," I couldn't stop crying as I expressed my feelings.
I sat down on the sofa after entering my unit. I couldn't even look at Meynard in the great embarrassment I had caused. "I don't seem to know myself anymore. This is not the life I dreamed of." I can't quite figure out why I had to go through all this. It was as if I was slowly getting tired of what God had done to my life every day, as if I just wanted to give up. Sometimes I can't help but think that I might suddenly run away from the right mindset with so much trouble in my head because I can no longer rest properly. If I fall asleep, I wake up in a bad dream that I avoid the most but it repeatedly shows me the big mistake I have made in my whole life. No matter how much I regret it, I know I can't get my father's life back and I can't take back what I've already said. I never thought that in an instant, everything would be a wreck. Everything in our family, not only my life, but also my mom's life. "I don't know how to fix all this? Oh, is there any way to fix it all? How?"
"Bro, have a drink first and then get dressed so you can rest," I heard Meynard say as I closed my eyes and leaned my head against the sofa. So, I slowly opened my eyes to see what he was supposed to give me to drink.
He hands me a glass of water.
"Thank you."
"Bro, things are not going well with you. You're losing weight, your eyelids are too heavy, and the eyebags are hanging big beneath your eyes. Who is going to like you with that kind of face?" he teased me. I knew he was just kidding me to somehow alleviate the situation.
"Tsss, here we go again! Really?"
"Oh yes! Because you have to fix yourself so that girls would flock to you," he kept joking with me.
"Tsss, as much as you know! I'm going to tell the nanny that kept on pushing the issue about girls, you'll see," I said like a child.
"What did you say bro? You will only make mama upset when she sees you looking like that, like a panda with a little bit of a zombie mixture. Wait, I had a nice thought. Why can't I invite mama over here?" he just teases me more.
"You will just be hurt; I will beat you to death. Just really try!" I threatened him because he really knew that I was like a child who would follow what the nanny would tell me. It's weird because when I get mad, I'm more afraid of my nanny than mom. Especially when it comes to food, so even though I didn't like the dish before, I was forced to eat because I was afraid of my nanny who happens to be the mother of Meynard.
"Are you smiling, bro? Huh? What's going on with you? A while ago, you looked so sad as if the world had fallen on you, but now you seem to be smiling. Maybe you're completely out of your mind, brother?" I pick the throw pillow on my side and throw swiftly to his face.
"You are really crazy! I just remembered something about the nanny," I said.
"I know that mama always scolds you because you're very choosy when it comes to food that you want to eat," he's now smiling at me like crazy.
Then, not now, I boasted.
"Oh, I can't forget the one time I saw how mama gave you a bitter gourd which you really hate to eat. You almost puke back then every time mama gave you food that you don't like to eat. But because you were afraid that mama would send me home and you won't have anyone to play with, you ate what she put on your plate but you didn't chew, you were still in tears when you swallowed and then you just drank water immediately, he recalled at the same time. Then we both laughed at it.
Then we laughed again while remembering the old days when we were still kids.
"There, finally I saw the real joy on your face again, brother. I haven't seen that for quite a while now," he commented, and then I took a deep breath.
"I want to be happy, but because of my current situation, it seems like it's hard to laugh more so it's very to be happy. For me it is disappointing to be happy, especially after so much chaos and so much had happened. At least you're there, somehow, I could still smile or laugh sometimes because of you. And most of all, I can always talk to them anytime. I just don't know what will happen to me without you?"
"Nice! It is touching! Am I going to cry now?" he was acting like she was about to cry.
"He's really crazy!"
"Hey! I'm being serious here! But there you are taking everything as a joke! You are really insane, aren't you? I wonder how your mom raised you? Your sisters were not like you, you are the only crazy in the family!" I told him but he only laughed at me and so I couldn't stop myself from laughing at him too.
Because of the jokes Meynard made, my mood became lighter. I know he's just doing it to ease my feelings somehow. So, I can say I was very lucky because, even though I didn't have a brother, there's Meynard who came into my life and became my instant brother. He always makes my sad life turn into a happy one. He is always my confider/partner when I go through something like this. Even then, we were just kids, and this is how we treated each other. So, even though I am the only child of mom and dad, I am not sad because there he is, Meynard. I can always share my joy and happiness more so my sad days with him. Now even in the darkest part of my life, he is still with me. Since then, I've always taken him home so that I can always talk to someone or play with. Especially when he stays at home during Christmas break and summer vacation. I preferred to have him at home because they know I won't be sad even if they can't come home on time. They also treat Meynard like their own child, so like me, every time mom and dad come home from a trip, he also has them. And on special occasions like Christmas or his birthday, he always has a gift he received from them in addition to what he receives from me.
"It would be so nice to go back to childhood days, without much thinking, no problems. The ease of everything means it always feels happy. Our family is still complete. Even though I don't always get along with mommy and daddy because they are both busy at work, I'm still happy because I know they'll still come home at any moment because they're both just at work. Not like now, where the problems are piled up right in front of my face. My life right now is full of pain and sorrow. The worst thing is that daddy is gone. Our family will never be whole again. Mommy still doesn't know about the things happening around her. I don't know how I can help her so I can get her back to normal? Even if she doesn't work as a director anymore, there is no problem because she's already old. All I want is to see her happy again despite the fact that we are the only left in our family because daddy left us already."
"Bro? Come on!" I heard Meynard saying something as he shook me, which brought me back to my senses.
"The complexity of what you're thinking again makes me feel it's like I'm drowning in too much depth," he said while shaking his head.
"Sorry."
"Bro, you're not really okay. Why don't you just file for leave again so you can relax a little and then take Ma'am Barbs on vacation with you? Don't worry about your job, I will do my very best on your behalf, except for the documents that need your signature. I can contact you for an update or if you need your presence at any time, right?" he suggested. I know that he is concerned and he is really worried about me.
"Maybe later, I'll just finish the project first, I'll do that when I think I can leave it to you to do the things at work. But for now, I can't bear to leave because firstly, I was ashamed of our bosses. Secondly, I know it is my responsibility as a manager to make sure everything is in order, so I can't just leave my job," I explained to him.
"Thank you so much for your concern and please be more patient with me and I'm sorry that I made you worry a lot. Don't worry, I'll follow what you said but let me just finish this big project then I will take another leave and bring mom to a vacation because I know that is what we need now," I added.
He just gave me a big smile and then he put his arm around me as we sat side by side on the sofa. We've been home to my condo earlier, but none of us has gotten dressed yet because we've been spending our time talking.
"Alright, let's go to sleep now. We are still early tomorrow," I exclaimed.
"Yeah, right, good night. Rest well," that's all and we stood together then we walked one by one into our own rooms.
A few minutes later, I was lying in bed after I took a shower and changed. But like the previous days, drowsiness no longer visited me. So, I thought of getting up and getting something to drink to make me sleepy. I went straight to the kitchen after I left the room. I searched the refrigerator to see if I still had beer in stock, but I couldn't find one because I had run out. I decided to check out my small wine rack just in case there was any wine left. Fortunately, there is a little Jack Daniel's Old No. 7 here. Tennessee is my daddy's favorite drink, so I don't miss it so when he visits me here, he can have something to drink.
I poured some wine on the glass, then chose to sit on the veranda. I left the sliding glass door of the living room open. I freely gaze at the small lights from the towering buildings. I also see vehicles running almost as if they were small fireflies rushing where they are heading.
"How are you daddy? What do you think of mommy and me now in our situation since you left? To this day, I still can't bear to ask mommy if you mentioned anything to her about the one night that led you to the wrongful act. If mommy knew anything, why didn't she tell me? But no, I know when they don't understand each other, I'll know right away because mommy can't afford not to tell me. I knew she would call me right away, so she probably didn't really know about it huh? Can I find them? If we're going to find them, will she know who her father is? How can I tell her why her daddy died? Wouldn't she just hate me for what I did? Even when he has no hope of being with daddy anymore, it seems like I have deprived her of the opportunity to meet our father."
I didn't think that I fell asleep there in the reclining chair on the veranda. I just realized I was in that position when Meynard woke me up in the morning.
"Bro, did you drink last night again? You were a bit tipsy at the hotel before we got here last night. I thought you slept well in your room, then I found you sitting here sleeping on the veranda. Well, thank goodness you didn't think of jumping over there huh?" he said sarcastically. I just kept quiet because I knew he was really worried about me. So, I silently bent down, put two elbows on my thighs, and wiped my face with my two hands while he continued to lecture on some things for me.
"You know, bro, you didn't like to drink more often and then now I will catch you sleeping here with an empty bottle and a wine glass beside you? Drinking is not the solution to your problems! There are a lot of things that you need to do except drowning yourself in alcoholic drinks! Enough of that please? I know it will be hard, but the right time will come when it will all end and everything will pass. You don't have to punish yourself, it will not help you; it will only cause you to get sick. Your drinking will not solve whatever you are facing now," he continued.
"Do you think your, Sir G, will be pleased with how you look right now? Absolutely not! Don't give up, brother! Be strong, fight! I don't think I know you anymore, huh? That's not how I knew you," he said sadly and then left me where he found me still unable to move and unable to speak.
A few minutes later, I decided to get up and put away the bottle and wine glass, then walked to the kitchen with the glass and the empty bottle in the trash bin. I caught up with Meynard, who was busy cooking our breakfast, but he ignored me, so I just let him. I hastened to take action to get ready for another day at work.
Even though we were both in the car, he's driving down the road to the office, Meynard still didn't take a glance or talk to me while driving. I know it's my fault why he's acting like that. I know he just doesn't want me to do things that I will just regret in the future. And I admit what I did was really wrong, but I didn't mean to sleep there on the reclining veranda. All I wanted then was to drink a little to put myself to sleep. I never thought I would fall asleep there.
"Nard, sorry for what happened. I didn't mean to sleep on the veranda. I only drank a little because I couldn't sleep. But I didn't plan to get wasted because I knew I already had been drinking at the hotel but I could hardly sleep still. So, I did it. I won't promise anything, but I'll try not to do it again. I try to sleep without drinking, but because of the amount of stress in my mind, I know I can't really sleep. I once tried not to drink even beer but it reached me at dawn without even falling asleep," I explained even though I wasn't sure if he was listening to me and if he would believe what I was saying now.
But instead of him answering me, I heard something else from him.
"I just want to remind you that the audition will start at nine o'clock in the conference room. Everything is already set, when I checked before we left yesterday to the hotel. I'll just come back later when it is about to start," that's all I heard from Meynard saying after he took me to my office when we arrived. He didn't even wait to say something or ask about what would happen later in the audition, he just came out of my office.