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Chapter 16: "Grill, Meet Girl"
Cold Open
[Confessional – Phil and Claire]
Phil: "Jay invited us over for barbecue and football, which is great. I love barbecue, I love football, and I love spending time with family."
Claire: "Two out of three isn't bad."
Phil: "Also, today, we're meeting Jon's girlfriend. Apparently, she's a senior, super cool, and… well, let's just say Haley reacted like she just found out Santa was real and only gave presents to her friends."
Claire: "And Alex—"
Phil: "Was not thrilled. Which is weird, because I've never seen her care about any of Haley's boyfriends before."
Claire: "That's because Haley's boyfriends are usually morons, Phil."
Phil: "See, I didn't say it."
The Gathering
Jay's backyard is buzzing with life—Gloria is setting up the food, Manny is nervously adjusting his polo, Phil is unsuccessfully trying to light the grill, and Mitchell is already critiquing the choice of dipping sauces.
Jon arrives with Sam and a tiny, fluffy orange kitten in his arms.
Jay: "Oh great, the cat's here."
Gloria: "And Jon brought his kitten, too!"
Jon shakes his head, smiling as he sets Ghost down in his new playpen. Sam stands beside him, wearing her usual cool confidence like an accessory. She's effortlessly gorgeous, rocking a leather jacket over a casual sundress. Haley takes one look at her and gives Alex a knowing smirk.
[Confessional – Haley and Alex]
Haley: "So Jon's girlfriend is… ridiculously hot."
Alex: "I mean, she's fine. It's whatever. She's older. He can learn from her mistakes."
Haley: "Yeah, 'cause that's what Jon is doing. Learning." [Winks at the camera.]
Back in the backyard, introductions are being made.
Phil: "Phil Dunphy, licensed realtor, amateur magician, and fun dad. And you must be—"
Sam: "Sam. Just Sam. Nice to meet you, Mr. Dunphy."
Phil: "She's so cool, Claire. Why is she so cool?"
Claire: "Because she's not trying, Phil."
Meanwhile, Mitchell is pretending not to be impressed by Jon's ability to pull off an effortlessly attractive, leather-jacket-wearing girlfriend. Cam, however, has no such restraint.
Cam: "Oh honey, look at you two! You're like the cover of an edgy teen drama! Are you secretly vampires?"
Jon: "Well, I do like my steaks rare."
Sam laughs, squeezing Jon's arm. Alex watches this, her grip tightening around her soda can.
The Football "Game"
As Jay flips burgers, Jon and Sam sit with the family to watch the game. Sam leans against Jon, looking completely comfortable, while Alex sits two seats away, pretending to be deeply invested in the play-by-play.
[Confessional – Alex]
Alex: "I don't know much about football, but I do know that excessive PDA is a personal foul."
Jay, seeing how Jon and Sam naturally fit together, sighs and turns to Gloria.
Jay: "Great, another couple I have to feed."
Gloria: "Oh please, you love them together. You're just jealous because Jon gets all the attention."
Jay: "What?! That's not—" [pauses, realizes it's true] "Okay, maybe a little."
Meanwhile, Ghost has somehow found his way onto Phil's lap. Phil, for reasons unclear, has decided they now share a deep spiritual connection.
Phil: "We get each other, little buddy. You see the world the way I do—curious, adventurous, always looking for the next opportunity."
Mitchell: "Phil, you just fed him half a burger. He's looking for more food."
As the game continues, Jon gets up to grab more snacks. When he's gone, Sam catches Alex's eyes and smirks.
Sam: "You're fun. I like you."
Alex: "I—what? I mean, yeah, sure. Thanks."
Sam: "Jon talks about you a lot."
Alex nearly chokes on her drink.
Alex: "Oh?"
Sam: "Yeah. Says you're wicked smart, keeps him on his toes. I like that."
Alex is too stunned to reply as Jon returns, handing Sam a drink and plopping down next to her. He doesn't even notice the way Alex stares at him for a second longer than necessary.
[Confessional – Alex]
Alex: "Okay. So she's nice. And cool. And gorgeous. And Jon clearly adores her. No big deal. Not like I've spent weeks sitting next to him, making dumb jokes, and getting used to him always being around." [Pause] "Yeah. No big deal at all."
The Aftermath
As the day winds down, Jon helps clean up while Sam plays with Ghost. Phil is still talking to the kitten like it's a person, and Gloria is packing leftovers for literally everyone.
Mitchell, finally getting over his silent competition with Jon, actually pulls him aside.
Mitchell: "Hey, I, uh… I think it's great that you're here, Jon. And that Dad likes you." Then he adds jokingly "Just, you know, don't make it too hard for the rest of us to keep up."
Jon smirks.
Jon: "Don't worry. I'll leave some room at the top."
As the family starts heading out, Sam gives Jon a quick peck on the cheek before hopping in her car.
Jay: "You sure about that one, kid?"
Jon: "Why, you think she's trouble?"
Jay: "No. I think she's smart. And you act like a dork around her. So just don't mess it up."
Jon chuckles.
Jon: "Yeah, yeah."
As the cars pull away, Ghost jumps onto Jon's shoulder, and he scratches behind the kitten's ear.
Jon: "Don't get too comfortable, buddy. You're not the only one who thinks I belong to them."
Ghost purrs.
End Credits Scene
[Confessional – Phil and Ghost]
Phil: "What a great day. Family, football, a new pet—who, might I add, has chosen me as his favorite person—"
Ghost jumps out of Phil's lap and wanders off.
Phil: "He'll be back. They always come back."
[Cut to Ghost happily curled up next to Jon on the couch.]
Phil (off-screen): "…Or not."