"I already regret this," I say while staring up at the temple of greed and excess that is the American-style mall.
And the worst part is the statue of Crusader surrounded by a fountain at the entrance.
So of course, Fiona wants to take a picture with me in front of it.
Both Phany and Tori volunteer to take the pics, even though I don't give them my phone, because neither of them "feels it's appropriate to interrupt our sisterly bonding."
More likely, they don't want to associate with me, which I'm fine with.
Dammit, that's why she invited you! Interrupt away so I can escape!
After more pictures than I'm comfortable with and Fiona shooting off a bunch of social media posts, I'm dragged into hell with a groan.
"Now, where should we shop first?"
"Just end my misery."
"Oh, there is a goth store called that. Did you want to start there?"
I stare at the map in front of us and notice there is, in fact, a store called End My Misery that has a skull and rose logo on it.
"No. I really don't," I reply.
"Ooo! Then we can try all the places I want! I made a list."
Fiona opens up her phone and tosses us each the list. As I'm scrolling down, I realize that we couldn't visit all these shops in one day, because it's pretty much every shop.
"Steph, Vikki, any recommendations?" Fiona asks next.
"How about makeup first?" Stephany ventures, clearly guessing that she can torture me just by making me look like...
One of us... One of us... OnE oF uSsSsSs...
I banish the mental image and follow Fiona to my doom.
In short order, I'm passively resisting as Fiona picks out pens, brushes, little squidgy things, and entire palettes of slightly different colors.
"Oh look! They have a makeup artist! And it's only eighty dollars!" Victoria declares, clearly having been briefed by Stephany behind my back and a few shelves.
"That's a great idea!" Fiona declares.
"I think Aislin should go first," Stephany adds with a condescending smile.
I almost sneer. "I'd rather do-" Fiona catches me me off-guard with the puppy eyes defense "-oo just that. Thanks for the suggestion!" I'll remember this, Stephany!
After paying over four hundred dollars for makeup and the session (That's like, half a railgun!) I am shoved into a little booth where a New African woman waits with a file and her nails.
"I'm Shiri," she says, raising an eyebrow at me. "You're skin is too pretty to cover up with a lot of makeup."
"I believe in skin care more than cosmetics," I reply with a shrug. "But today I'm here for my sister."
"Oh, I get it. Anyone you want to look like?"
"I've never done this before, so... would you mind telling me how it all works, please?"
"Well, normally you just toss me something on your phone and I try to match it. Talk about how to do it. It'll actually be pretty easy in your case, since your skin is so clear."
And I want it to stay that way, dammit! No chemicals on my skin!
But I calm myself. This day is for Fiona. And at least it's only half a day, which means I'll have my weekend to recover.
"Oh! I know just the person!" I recall a snake and cat-themed villainess. Not my crowd, but she did have style. Downright reflective gold, uh, paint? With stylishly shaded black eyeshadow that made her eyes seem so deep and alluring.
We fought in Cairo over some rare artifact or nuclear dud bomb from two hundred years ago or something. Or as I like to think about it, "collaborated" since we were both Knight City girls.
What was her name...
My search engine-fu is strong today as I enter the year and some descriptors, before showing it to Shiri. "Huh. Guess you like how the boss looks," she says with an appreciative purse of the lips. "Okay, this I can do."
"What, you said 'boss'?"
"Yeah, Miss Liona Farid. She owns the company."
My jaw drops as a name comes to mind. "You mean, Leopatra?"
Shiri shrugs. "She doesn't do villain stuff anymore. Did her dime and went legit. Between you and me, she has too many accessories."
"Accessories to what?" I ask.
Shiri laughs. "Good one! I'll go get the gold paint." She raises her voice, "Renard! Do we still have Boss Paint in stock?"
As the curtain falls I'm left alone with the shock of realizing just how much the world moved while I was trapped in a freaking castle. Old villains became legit villains like CEOs, and here I was stuck in high school all over again, only without being able to escape to college like I did the last time.
To be fair, my rise to villainy started with trying to pay student loans, but wouldn't you do a bit of what you could get away with to avoid crippling lifetime debt?
Don't answer that. Rule Number One is "Don't snitch on yourself."
Because I get the "Boss Paint" I have to endure thirty extra minutes of having a sunlight beam onto me, since it only sets in UV. The entire time, Shiri talks about how she's gonna work her way up to be an exec one day.
I don't want to dash her dreams, she's, what? Twenty three? So I just say, "If you want to get her attention, try wearing catnip." Leopatra, after all, is a human with cat morphology.
"You tryna get me fired?" Shiri gives me the stinkeye.
"Purrrish the thought!" I do a spot on imitation of Leopatra at her worse.
Shiri bursts out laughing, "You're too good at that! Did you see the commercial about her fur and body wash?"
"No, but now that you mention it, I'm going to look her up!"
And maybe send that thing from Cairo to let her know I'm back...