The chickens were suing for custody of the sunrise. Ling discovered this when she found the rooster perched atop the moon plow, clucking a cease-and-desist order at the dawn. Its comb had mutated into a tiny powdered wig overnight.
"That's new," Chu Feng observed, sipping coffee brewed from liability waivers. The mug screamed OBJECTION! every time he took a sip.
Ling tossed a handful of precedent corn at the rooster. "Arbiter! Explain."
The godslayer child tumbled out of the barn wearing a suit cobbled together from discovery motions and chicken wire. "It's not my fault! The Devonian escrow files cross-pollinated with the poultry feed."
"You fed legal documents to the chickens?"
"They looked hungry!"
The rooster chose that moment to serve them with talon-printed subpoenas. Chu Feng read his while dodging airborne feathers. "Says here we're unlawfully hoarding daylight. The plaintiffs demand… checks notes …sixteen extra hours of pre-dawn twilight and a lifetime supply of evidentiary mealworms."
Ling stared at the chicken judge now holding court in the pumpkin patch. Its bench was a hay bale. Its gavel was a particularly judgmental zucchini. "We're being litigated by poultry."
"Pro bono poultry," Arbiter corrected. "They've waived legal fees in exchange for nesting rights to the precedent vault."
The trial began at high noon, because the chickens insisted on dramatic symbolism. The prosecution consisted of three hens and a militant turkey vulture acting as expert witness.
"The defendants have shown reckless disregard for solar custody arrangements!" clucked the lead hen, flapping wings that left inkblot exhibits in the air. "My clients demand shared custody of photons!"
Chu Feng leaned over to whisper, "Why am I sweating mayonnaise?"
Ling sniffed the air. "Arbiter's using egg-based jurisprudence. Don't make sudden movements."
The defense team—a reluctant possum they'd conscripted from the woodpile—was busy licking its own objections into oblivion. Ling took matters into her own blistered hands.
"Your Honor," she addressed the zucchini gavel, "these plaintiffs lack standing. They're clearly eggsaggerating their claims."
The chicken judge ruffled its feathers. "Overruled. Proceed with yolk… I mean, yolk… dammit." It pecked angrily at a mistranslated legal dictionary.
During recess, Arbiter tried to bribe the jury with contraband birdseed. "It's not jury tampering if you use constitutional oats!" he argued as Ling dragged him behind the smokehouse.
"Fix this," she hissed. "Before we lose rights to our own shadows."
"I'm trying! But the tort reform pollen keeps cross-contaminating the—"
A thunderclap interrupted him. The sky ripped open like a poorly stapled brief, depositing a flaming briefcase in the cornfield. From its smoking remains emerged a figure in a pinstripe exoskeleton, antennae twitching with punitive intent.
"Class action locust swarm v. Ling et al," buzzed the insectoid lawyer. "You're being sued for emotional distress caused by…" It consulted a parchment made of chewed wheat. "…excessive folksy agrarian resilience in subsection 14(a)."
Chu Feng sighed and hefted the moon plow. "Normal Tuesday."
The double trial created jurisdictional issues. The chicken court claimed primacy due to solar custody laws. The locusts invoked intergalactic arbitration clauses.
Chaos ensued:
The rooster prosecutor began pecking locust exhibits
Juror crows staged a hung verdict protest
The zucchini gavel sprouted legs and tried to emigrate to Canada
Ling cornered Arbiter by the poisoned well. "Nuclear option. Now."
The child godslayer gulped. "But the Geneva Suggestions—"
"Do I look like I care about proportional response?" She stole his pocket constitution and used it to swat a locust serving punitive pollen. "Activate the… the…"
"Barnyard Magna Carta?"
"Whatever blows up least of reality!"
Arbiter's solution involved:
Teaching the chickens quantum bankruptcy law
Convincing the locusts to settle for a lifetime supply of metaphorical corn
Accidentally creating a sentient tort reform scarecrow
"I'll allow it," croaked the scarecrow judge, its burlap face stretched into something resembling mercy. "But only if the defendants take responsibility for…" It squinted at corn silk parchment. "…this frankly alarming ratio of whimsy to substantive law."
Ling threw a precedent potato at Arbiter's head. "Deal."
At dusk, the farm stood intact(ish). The chickens retained visitation rights to dusk. The locusts flew off with a binding promise of non-specific remorse. The scarecrow judge retired to adjudicate pumpkin small claims.
Chu Feng found Ling scrubbing poultry law stains from her boots. "Could've been worse."
She gestured to where Arbiter was teaching the rooster to file appeals. "He's created a monster."
"Monster's got style." They watched the chicken successfully overturn a cloud's motion for summary judgment. "Besides…" He produced a still-warm verdict egg from his pocket. "Omelette?"
Ling cracked it open. Golden yolk swirled into the words Case Dismissed With Prejudice. "Tastes like… justice?"
"Justice with a hint of basil."
They ate under a sunset jointly custody by fowl and folly, the moon plow humming lullabies to the sentient legal documents nesting in its blades. Somewhere, a zucchini gavel started a new life as a pickle. The audits would continue.
The balance endured.