M'Gann and the others unconsciously followed that thread deeper, they saw a boy abused, angry, broken, scared, and scarred, an oldman who knew the only way to help him past it was to teach him how to hold the power of life and death in his own hands, a kind boy's hands covered in blood, knife clutched in a white knuckled grip, the gurgling screams of human filth as the boy carved out his pain through someone else's, a boy throwing up not because of what he'd done but because of the feeling of enjoyment what he'd done made him feel, an old man's comforting hand on his back.
They stared down the barrel as the boy slightly more grown mercilessly squeezed the trigger after kicking down a door splattering the wall behind a bed where a girl was tied up, eyes listless dried tears and snot on her face, hands tied to a metal bed frame above her head, blood, brain matter splattering against her and the area where to walls met, three little girls hugging each other crying in a corner near the door.
The reflection of the youngman catching in a mirror, showing dark sunglasses, and a tan paintball mask hiding his face while wearing a black bulletproof vest, and blue jeans, Infinity .45 acp in his hands a gun greatly loved a gift from the oldman who had gotten to the point where he could no longer talk or function on his own because of pain.
The drugs, the alcohol the self destructive actions after waking up in the middle of the night to an intense pain, like an integral part to your identity as a person, a hollowness and emptiness inside, that no matter what you tried stuffing it with it just wouldn't stay full.
Until you meet a girl she's wild and free you race her on the freeway neither one of you caring about the risk, but loving the way the race was making your heartbeat in your chest and for a few short minutes you remember what it is like to be happy, and then when she manages to shave past you before a traffic jam you lose sight of her.
A blurred party, all sorts of cars, dirt bikes, and four-wheelers, guns and booze, drugs and sex, the pretty girl that out raced you walks up to your car as you're putting the needle in, your arm letting it fill with your blood about to push the plunger down and feel the floating bliss only to feel the needle ripped from you arm the syringe from your hand.
A flash of rage and hand flashing out to grab her but she dances out of the way with a smirk on her face, you feel something…something long forgotten.
"No wonder you couldn't beat me."
"I can beat you any time you want." A snarky snarl leaves you as your body aches for your fix.
"Prove it." She whispers as she leans in, she smells good like high octane fuel and expensive machine grease.
A young man in pain after losing someone, a girl who saw someone to save, the girl gave him a purpose, a challenge…something to take his pain away, something slowly filling the emptiness.
Love and hurt hand and hand for both, until there is just love and happiness but the hunger, the ache it was always there, the man gave in, and used the girl…the woman was upset but accepting and helped through the pain, the sickness…and then he was clean and she was pregnant.
The family seeing him coming back to who he was someone dependable someone useful, unfinished work needed finishing, his work so that he could walk away from this life, and move on with the girl he loves and be there for his daughter, the young man continued down a narrow hallway men with guns struggling to pull clothes on similar scenes of helpless victims, pain from where bullets had bypassed armor.
Pain you're used to pain you keep going keep fighting, you find your target…the old man's last target, you finish his work it's time to leave the past in the past…but that emptiness is back…you try to hide it out she can feel it, both your smiles of happiness become false, you feel lost, you feel alone, the feelings she used to bring…gone.
You turn back to the drugs and sex with meaningless women, you return home to her, she looks at you with pain and pity in her eyes as she caresses her swelling stomach lovingly, the same way she used to do to you that helped you feel not alone.
You fight, not physically you'd never hit them unless they deserved it, you treated them with respect and love they bring life while all you do is take it.
"I can't love an addict, I can't raise our daughter with you…you need to leave." She finally shouts and it's confirmed…you've known it for a while now that it was over.
You leave you drift, nothing not even the drugs help anymore, you sit in the woods a small fire in front of you, your best friend, the one who never leaves you in your and the familiar dependable feeling of the cool metal in your hands the sensations of the slide sliding back, the machine parts becoming active, opening your mouth tasting oil and metal.
You begin squeezing the trigger, years of memories flood your mind, pain and happiness making a symphony in your mind at the edge of thought you know it's about to end as your trigger finger squeezes just a little bit more…then it's broken by the sound of a phone ringing.
You look down at the screen, you see her face, you weigh your options, what's a few more seconds? At least you can say goodbye and thanks for the good times.
You swipe your finger against the screen, "She's coming…I want you here." The pained voice of the girl is clear and crisp even here in the wild.
"Okay, thanks…" You don't say I love you though you want to, you get up and make your way through the woods.
You get in your car and you drive, your speedometer hitting 143 mph, but it doesn't give you the high it used to. You have a higher purpose now.
You get there someone rushes you in, it sounds like you're underwater you can't breath but you manage one foot in front of the other, there she is sweat soaking her face teeth clenched you take her hand in yours you smile at her as she crushes your fingers, the look in her eyes tells you that with you here she feels everything will be alright.
It feels like forever and no time at all when you're holding something you made together, together.
You both give it a try, but things have changed too much between you, you walk away but always close, until you see him, living the life you should be, your instincts itch at you to put him down but you don't you know you're too dirty to be good for the girl, you'll be the devil in the darkness to keep her safe from the other devils though.
The little girl always runs to you, like a magnetic pull pulls the two of you together, the girl and the pretender ask you to stay away.
You do but the girl seeks you out anyways, you take the heat for her with the girl and the pretender you heal her heart when she's feeling hurt and lost.
You guide her away from the bad things, she's just like you always looking for a way to fill that emptiness, you know you shouldn't but you sit her down and tell her the truth, she tells you she's always known even if she didn't know, she doesn't feel safe at that place that should be home.
You make her go though even though it kills you to do so, like so many years ago the phone rings, but there's a scream and you're there, you find your little girl bloody and broken you see him you lose it you bash his skull into paste using the floor.
You move back to her hands sullied in blood like always you lift her up and cradle her to you, it feels like all the light, happiness and warmth that has blossomed inside of you because of her was a cruel trick played against you, but you latch onto the warmth something driving you to do so and you push it into her, where it belongs, you feel yourself growing cold and her growing warm.
The world around you seems to shift and turn, a similar life to the one before but your happiness is never born in this one, it's only a temporary stop before you find your world twisting and changing once more you're falling through the sky parts of you honed to keep things down burning away.
And then you're going splat, and meeting a cartoon/comic/movie character, the image of the shape she is in is sharp but much of your first past is forgotten, a second life oversetting it.
But those are so far from you right now all you want to do is save this woman, a warmth so powerful, flows through you and into her, three lives two almost identical each one you wanted to heal people fix them save them now you could.
Something snaps inside of you, I shake my head and I push the invading force out of my mind. There's a cry of pain and a flash of panic but you push all of those invading minds away.
I blink and I'm standing back in a rainforest, everyone on the team, are on their knees or in a fetal position sobbing on the ground.
"What the fuck was that?!" I gasp and lumber over to M'Gann. I pick her up and hold her against my chest and lightly pat her slightly chubby cheeks.
"M'Gann, come on everyone needs you right now!" I whisper/shout and the girl comes back to reality. I feel her mentally hugging me as she mirrors her physical body. Soon she's not the only one the team minus Kaldur is doing the same, though I can feel him sending his mental support and acceptance.
"That was a mind fuck and then some." Dick and I mutter at the same time and turn to look at each other.
"I-I can fix the bleed over, I'm so sorry everyone I never should have pushed into your mind." M'Gann practically whimpers and I hug her a little tighter.
"I know, and I know it's natural for you M'Gann, I'm honestly just as shocked as all of you about part of what we saw. I mean most of it's accurate but not all of it."
I can feel M'Gann in our minds separating and isolating me and my emotions from the team and locking them in a box all of this taking place within a handful of minutes.