"okay, kindergarten-1, do you have a dream when you grow up?"
our teachers from early childhood school would often ask us that question, and my classmates would be exhilarated about it and would answer the standard answer of an average primary student in such excited manner
"me, teacher, I want to become a police!"
"teacher, I want to become nurse!"
"teacher teacher, I want to become a Doctor just like my mom and dad!"
"I want to become an alchitech"
"what's thwat?"
"someone who dwaws on papers"
"ohhh...teacher I also want tyo be an altitech"
"hey! no copying dweams, not fair!"
"teacher, me! I want to be a chef"
"teacher I want to be a engeeerr!"
"teacher, me! veterenarian!"
"teacher, I also want to become a teacher, like you!"
"aww, that's sweet Althea"
the minds of preschoolers were really gullible and quite impulsive, they would accept everything the spoon offers in their mouth, especially if it feeds their Id, although I'm glad that I get to separate my consciousness different from theirs, it wasn't actually easy as it looks
"hmm...oh, how about you, Kassiel, what do you wanna be when you grow up?" attention was never good when it's your turn to hold the spotlight, as all their eyes averts to you, waiting for your next move, waiting for their next judgement, and the teacher in front of me wasn't really helping with her soft friendly smile, to my perspective, it was mischieveous, I wasn't asking for your attention, why leave all the pressure and tension to me?
"uhm...I..." fidgeting through my tiny little fingers, I wasn't shy to answer, but the thing is, I never had an answer at all, it's something that I should think about it clearly first before giving my answer because honestly, I don't know what I want to be when I grow up
"I don't know"
"hmm? what was that?"
"I don't know what I want to be when I grow up, teacher"
it really was just a simple answer to understand, but I guess not everyone will understand your thoughts
'pft HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"
"HAHAHAHAHA she's so weird"
"HAHAHHAHAHAHAHA she have no dream, losewwr"
my classmates starts to laugh at my answer, teasing, pointing fingers, while some look at me like a weird product in a convenience store
that's when I realize that, if you don't have the same viewpoint and mindset as others, you're considered as an outcast, an alien, a clown that was meant to be laughed at, it's not accepted as unique, but an odd creature that came from space
"okay children, try to quiet it down, don't laugh at your classmate just because she doesn't have a dream yet, not everyone have the same dream as yours so please, let us not judge and laugh okay? that's not nice"
honestly, rather than crying, confusion took over me, really, why would they laugh? it's not my fault I'm not as gullible as them
*aftrerclass*
"Kassiel, I hope you don't change your attitude to your classmates because of what happened earlier, I want you to understand that not having a decision yet is okay, you just have to think right through it first, I know you can understand what I'm saying kassiel, amongst all the class that I am handling, I can tell that you hold the highest intelligence, you have the potential to reach any dreams you will want to have once you finally know what you want to become in the future"
"it's okay teacher, I really don't care if they thought it was funny, everyone has their opinions, but that doesn't mean that I should believe it, and besides, half of them were sleepy and dozing off already so I guess I earned a point for making the whole class laugh and lift the mood" she smiled warmly at at my answer, as she gently patted my head, no words needed for me to understand that she was trying to tell how proud she was at me
"you'll go far, trust me"
with that simple quote that she said, I didn't know it would complete my whole existence
"thank you teacher!" I smiled genuinely, I think this would be a good start for me to explore my dream, of who I want to be?
preschool ended within a snap, and now, I'm on my first grade level of primary school
and I realized that if you want to achieve something good and big, you also have to work hard and learn to take big steps, so I started strong
"Kazziel Charmeine Mckintosh, first placer in Math quiz bee Regional"
"Kazziel Charmeine Mckintosh, first place in spelling quiz bee National"
"Kazziel Charmeine Mckintosh, champion in Regional chess game competition"
"Kazziel Mckintosh, first placer in Regional Mtap competition"
"Kazziel Mckintosh, 1st place in news writing competion"
"Kazziel Charmiene Mckintosh, 1st place in science writing competition"
'Kazziel Mckintosh, the outstanding student of the year"
"problem solver student of the year"
"aspiring author of the year"
"character award"
"creative award"
"leadership award"
"achievement award"
"highest academic excellence award"
not even a single day I try to make an opportunity of doing great slip pass through me, from mathematics, to science, to literacy and reading, to values, and history, I even became one of the youngest student who made my own research with complete chapters about organic biofuels,
for five consecutive years, there has always been predictable words you'll expect to hear in a sentence from anyone, Kazziel Charmeine Mckintosh, 1st place, champion, congratulations
without the intention of impresing anyone,learning language became one of my main hobbies, discovering new words and apply them for practical and functionality
I also became fond of column writing and annotations, and my classmates would often tease me for becoming an overworked student who tries to get it all, well, I just let them for they don't contribute anything to my life at all, so why would I care a penny of attention to them?
I just study and study, each day and night, not minding the compliments from my relatives nor even the close friends of my parents nor even a single person, they don't pay my confidence, nor I became boastful about it, none of those ever mattered to me, I just grew up with no one stopping my principles, I developed myself whilst following what is morally upright, justified, and equitable, which comes to the point that I became the youngest stoic person in the family, in all past bloodline.
everyone wanders how gifted I am as a child, but everytime I take a look back, I only feel terrified at myself, because after all the hardwork, my question in life remains unanswered,
"what do I really want to become when I grow up?" this all came from a small girl with a big brain, but oddly has no space for dreams
until it came to the day of my graduation on primary level, it's no surprise that I gained 32 medals that I collected for an entire school year, parents from other kids were envious yet I never really cared at all, i'm doing this to find what I actually want, what do i really want to be when I grow up,
my parents gave me a paper where I have to fill with my personal information, it was a registration form for the Science National high school, they promised me that if I register here, I can finally know what I really want for my future,
after passing the entrance exam and interview, I was accepted, my parents are happy and excited and so do I, maybe, this will actually be a way to know what I really want,
"good morning freshmen, welcome to the Science National High school of the Philippines, you are in this place today because of your hard work and intelligence, you deserve to be in your spot right now , so please, in the coming future, work hard and earn that fuel to chase your dreams for your brighter career" everyone kept using the word dream, is it really a foundation and a motivation for someone to keep striving? I thought it was their pride from losing that kept them motivated.
"class, since you're all high school students now, I want to know whatever you plan to pursue in life, remember that in high school, it's too early to be late, but too late to be early, so while you're working hard, never forget to enjoy your journey in the midst of your learning, what I want you to do for today is get a piece of paper and write down on what you want o achieve in life, it could be your career, your goals, your dream house, dream car, or even the person you have a crush on"
*chuckles*-students
"you don't really need to overthink, just write down whatever you want to achieve, write down your dreams, I gurantee you no one will judge because I assure you that even them are anxious on whether their dreams are good or not, meaning, theyre afraid to be judged as well, alright, you may now start"
our english teacher scanned us with hope in his eyes, I hope to have it as well, but mine is just blank, no passion, no spark, the only thing keeping me good at studies is because I wanted to know what life is ahead of me, living their expectations? no, but some mistaken me for that, but it doesn't bother me at all
I did got a piece of paper, my pen did not ran out of ink, but my paper is as blank as my thoughts, I...still don't what my dream is...a teacher?doctor?architech? none seems to hook my interest, all the possible major professions seems to find it diffcicult to convince me good
like in every meal on the menu, they all seemed too bland for my taste
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.
.
"okay, that covers our schedule for today, no lessons for now since it's your first day, so we just focused more on your orientation, I'll send you your official class schedule later so you know who will be your teacers for the whole school year, class dismissed"
miss Cleaverd, our science teacher dismissed us with a smile, I was about to pack my bag together with my classmates,
"Kassiel, I have a word for you, stay" I nod and complied wordlessly
"Kassiel, I don't know if you intentionally left your paper blank, but how can I give you a score if you won't write anything on it? I was clearly asking for your dreams, not for a piace of a whole pad paper"
"I'm sorry sir, but there was genuinely nothing to write, I'd rather leave it blank than fill it with senseless lies"
he only looked at me and sighed
"I've reviewed your background, you have a bright future ahead of you, your intelligence and skills are beyond your grade level, and us teachers, we want to nurture that, that's why I want you to know what you want to pursue in life in order for me to give you the advise that you need, you are not just in high school, youre in a place that's preparing you for your journey, but how can we take you there if you don't know where to go?"
"I'm sorry sir"
"if there is no damage, there's nothing to be apologetic for, but you have to fill in that paper until next week, I'm giving you an excemption because I honestly see huge potential on you, and I dont want to waste it as much as possible, remember, this is just not high school you went in, it's a Science high school, give good thoughts on that and don't waste the opportunity to dream big with such easy acess"
"...yes sir"
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.
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I never knew that I would be making a staring contest with a piece of paper for three hours straight, after some few research of common professions that can give me a stabilized living, a lot of options came to light at me, but none of them is worthy enough to light my path accorded to my will,
just as I was about to slack off, I suddenly heard a loud thud from my parent's room, it was a guy with a gator mask on, I was about to call for help but he quickly covered my mouth, I honestly don't know, but what happened night, gave me hope of who I want to become in the future, find and seek justice, reveal the truth with no biases.