The people took over their old homes, and those that hadn't been rehabilitated were new. Reconstruction had begun quickly, once again displaying their strange kindness. Everything was going extremely well; this time, we had secured a base large enough for us. I have to admit, the mercenaries had good taste.
Ashley was already being treated; I'd called all the guys. Azumi was resting on my bed, as we didn't have any extra beds due to the number of wounded. Jane was next to Azumi, and although she seemed to be looking after her—and she really was—she had sat down on the bed on the side of the wall, moving as far away from the group as possible. Ashley had already been treated, and although she looked pale, she wasn't complaining of pain and wasn't grimacing much either.
I congratulated Lombardi and gave natural orders to each of the generals, except Frost and Clank. Aside from issuing orders and following plans, they were in charge of giving speeches for me. I didn't want them to see me with the bullet in my shoulder, so they had to do it for me. Someone trying to kill a god can't be that weak.
"I have to go too. I have too many wounded and I have to help my team," Doc said coldly, far from his normal, warm tone he was always used to.
—Doc…—I put my hand on his shoulder and looked into his eyes.
Her eyes, bathed in rage and sadness, seemed like a dam that prevented her tears from coming out.
—You can rest... You can mourn her.
As if my words were the final straw, the glass overflowed and shattered, falling to his knees as if every ounce of strength had left him and there was no happiness left in the world. We had won, but he had lost something very precious to him…
Mason walked over to him and hugged him. I walked over to Frost, who was also on the verge of tears, and was looking at me like a scared puppy, afraid of being scolded.
"It was my fault, Frost. You weren't ready to lead them on such a complex mission. You failed because I, as their leader, failed you," I said sadly.
At that moment I struggled to know what role I should take; I too had finished fighting, and the weight of the consequences was crushing me.
—But… so many died under my command… —Frost's tears finally appeared.
"It wasn't just yours, I failed too, don't blame yourself entirely," Clank cut in.
—I was paralyzed by fear! I should have... done something... I should have guided them... However, I was hidden.
"It's no good to me if you two wallow in guilt or wait for punishment, but I swear it will never happen again," I told them.
—I understand that you want to take our place, I…
I interrupted Frost.
I bear the ultimate blame for all of this. They aren't real generals, they're barely soldiers. Everyone who died today paid a price, but Frost isn't an inexperienced leader now. Even so, it was paid dearly.
—Don't you dare say those words. The soldiers who died in our name can't do so in vain. Now is the time for you two to rise up and become the best generals.
I had to calm her down. As her leader, I'm still ahead of her, and I don't just mean in rank. Lombardi barely lost any men, though he has a huge number of wounded soldiers; you lost 40,000 men. I failed you; if I'd had a proper system, a little more preparation, this would have been avoided. I threw myself at the enemy just like someone throwing their puppets.
"What are you talking about? Even if we lost more soldiers than we expected, we'd still destroy them." Ashley jumped into the conversation. In her eyes, this was nothing more than the self-flagellation of depressed people.
"Good results won't win this impossible war, and dead people don't eat good results either. I should have made a better plan to avoid the ambushes, I should have made a better plan for Frost and Clank, I'm not trying hard enough." I clenched my fist and slammed it on the table in front of me.
Ashley was hysterical; her face had an expression I couldn't decipher.
—But we won! We'll get the soldiers back if that's what you're worried about.
—No… If it weren't for the tanks, we would have lost a lot more. My strategy was rubbish, we won by luck…
—No! It's part of Tech's father's effort, it's part of our entire effort. Even with the tanks, you yourself saw how Lombardi used them perfectly to take the streets.
—We're only winning because we're marching like a horde, like Genghis Khan. We're attacking the enemy with everything we have and outnumbering them. That's the outcome of this battle.
I sat in the chair behind the desk in the large wooden room, adorned with soft yellow lighting and a purple velvet carpet.
"It hurts so much... she didn't deserve to die... I told her I would protect her, I told her mother I would protect her with my life... I swore I would come back," Doc said, completely broken.
"It never stops hurting, you learn to live with it..." I replied, giving him a sad look.
It's ironic. The same thing Doc is saying. In one way or another, it's what Frost and I were saying a few minutes earlier. Certainly, when you look at it like that, it doesn't make sense.
But I'm tired of losing. The deaths of my comrades, of my soldiers, pile up so many times in my hands that I can no longer count them or even remember them. They all shared and left their dreams with me. They left that burden to me in exchange for their own lives. That burden is what pulls me to the ground, makes me feel tired. It's what hinders every movement I make and steals the air from my lungs. At the same time, it's what prevents me from stopping even when my body or my heart begs for rest.
"You don't give me much hope," Azumi surprised as she sat up. "My people... No, my sister died for you, Sean. They bet on a strong man capable of challenging God at that moment, and if the pain doesn't go away, what the hell gives me hope when I see Jane?" Her tears also appeared.
Jane looked down at the floor, embarrassed, but looked up and stared me straight in the eyes.
"What hope do you give me?" he said sadly.
But before I could answer, someone else spoke.
—Jane, I may never tell my story, but I'll tell you the truth. The only thing that separates you and me is that you're a dragon, and you were hurt longer. Are you asking me why I'm not like you, or why it doesn't hurt? Obviously it hurt at the time. I also saw my mother and siblings die in horrible experiments, I saw my father die as a slave. However, I trained, I clung to becoming stronger because I wasn't going to let it happen to me again. I live with pride knowing that it honors you, and you, Azumi, should do the same. Your sister didn't die for nothing; I know it hurts. But you know what? She died because the fire god had to be killed, even though you knew you couldn't. You wanted to try your luck with Sean. You had much more time than Sean, and even with that, he already defeated his son, who killed you all. Do you want to change things? Don't wait for someone else to do it for you. Jane, I understand what you're going through, I understand your fear, but if I'm honest, it's been too long, too long of you being alone with your thoughts, and not finding help only hurt you. I saw you during the fight; you didn't dodge the bullet because, not seeing your opponent in the eyes, you didn't notice the victorious smile on his face. You're strong... Be proud of it.
—How do I do it? Fear…
But Jane was interrupted again, Ashley approached her, took her robe and pressed her body against it.
—You fight it… See? Little by little, you're getting used to me; you no longer had the reflex to hit me. The pain of losing someone doesn't compare to what they did to us… Think about that the next time you're scared. I didn't tell anyone because I don't want to be seen as a victim, because I'm not. Same to you, Sean Dorvin. What's the point of locking us away to grieve?
I realized I still had the bullet inside my shoulder. I pulled it out with my hands, as luckily it didn't fragment and was easy. It was a pain I was already used to. Everyone stared at me, perhaps because of the sudden change in my feelings, or because I'd just pulled the bullet out like a tick. I took a bullet and tore its head off with my teeth. I sprinkled gunpowder over the wound and lit it, cauterizing it instantly. I cleaned the area and applied a bandage. I put on a new trench coat and looked around.
—Doc, cry all you want until you can get up and catch up with them. Azumi and Jane, rest too. Everyone else... Get to work! We still have a war to win!
I walked out the door with the others following me, this was the end of my ineptitude.
Ashley quickly caught up with me, following me alongside Frost and Clank, whom I had ordered to follow me. I stopped and walked over to Ashley, hugging her while quickly giving her a kiss on the lips.
"I promise you, just like I promise myself, it won't happen again," I whispered as I pulled away from her.
She blushed, but immediately gave me a smile.
The answer to my own internal question—it was my own weight—is the fact that I know I can do better. I'm tired of people dying under my command.
Kind of stupid coming from someone fighting a war, but I'm just tired of losing more lives. When will the bullet with my name on its copper tip arrive?
It's those memories that make it difficult for me to act correctly, to give my all when it comes to doing something. I know, I know better than anyone, the huge mistake I've made.
As I close my eyes, they burn a little, even giving me a slight tingling sensation. It's not just physical fatigue, and I knew it.
In a force capable of killing a god. So, I swore to myself in front of Ashley. I would no longer carry the burden on my shoulders.