Chapter 20
The laughter was still dying down when Dad leaned toward me, his smile tight and whisper-sharp. "You embarrassed me in front of everyone."
I didn't skip a beat. "Now you know how we felt this afternoon."
Charlie snorted into his drink. "He's got you there, Alan."
Monica, still wiping a tear of laughter from her eye, turned to Chandler and said with a grin, "Maybe we should trade you for Jake."
Chandler looked at her, wounded. "Wow. Betrayed at my own rehearsal dinner."
Joey leaned over from the other side of the table. "Hey, at least he got laughs. I'm starting to like the kid. Got good timing."
Charlie raised his glass toward Joey. "Finally, someone who recognizes talent."
Evelyn smirked. "He's not wrong about you, Alan."
Dad threw his hands up. "What is this? Roast Alan day?"
"Every day is roast Alan day," Charlie said.
Monica giggled and looked at me. "Seriously, Jake, you handled that like a pro. You ever think about stand-up?"
I shrugged. "Only if I can follow Chandler at every gig."
Laughter rippled again through the table. Chandler gave a mock bow. "You're all monsters."
———
Later that night, I went to grab a soda and saw Charlie at the bar—his arm around a new woman I hadn't seen before. Blonde, short red dress, big laugh. Definitely not Monica.
When she got up and walked toward the restroom, I wandered over.
"So… what happened to Monica?" I asked.
Charlie casually sipped his drink. "She started talking about kids and marriage. You know, future stuff."
I raised an eyebrow. "And that scared you off?"
He nodded. "Red flag, kid. Huge one. I like Monica, but once the 'how many kids do you want' talk shows up, I'm out. Then this one shows up…"
He gestured toward the bathroom door where the new girl had disappeared.
"Timing is everything."
I shook my head. "Unbelievable."
Charlie just grinned. "Welcome to London."
———
The next day, we were seated in the church for the big moment. Evelyn, Dad, and I sat together, all dressed up. Out of the three of us, Dad was easily the most excited.
"Oh, look at the floral arrangements! Very tasteful," he whispered.
Then a moment later, "Eh, not sure about the chair bows. Bit much, don't you think?"
I leaned over to gramma and whispered, "And he says my mom is the gay one."
She nearly choked, trying not to laugh.
Dad looked around. "Where's Charlie?"
Just then, a bridesmaid walked down the aisle—arm in arm with none other than Charlie Harper.
I pointed. "There he is."
Dad scoffed. "Of course."
The music faded and the minister stepped up.
"Friends. Family. We are gathered here today to celebrate the joyous union of Ross and Emily. May the happiness we share with them today be with them always."
The room grew still.
"Now Emily, repeat after me. I, Emily..."
"I, Emily..."
"Take thee, Ross..."
"Take thee, Ross..."
"As my lawfully wedded husband, in sickness and in health, till death parts us."
"As my lawfully wedded husband, in sickness and in health, till death parts us."
Then it was Ross's turn.
"Now Ross, repeat after me. I, Ross..."
"I, Ross..."
"Take thee, Emily..."
"Take thee, Rachel..."
The room froze. Gasps echoed. Everyone's faces twisted in shock.
Even Ross's eyes widened. "Emily! I meant Emily," he blurted out, laughing nervously.
The minister blinked, clearly unsure. "Uh… shall I go on?"
From behind me, I heard someone whisper, "He said Rachel, right? Should I… go up there?"
I turned and saw Rachel Green—Jennifer Aniston herself—just a few feet back. I blinked. "Yes. You should. At least it'll save money on the next wedding," I muttered.
Dad quickly slapped a hand over my mouth.
Emily didn't even flinch. She just looked straight ahead and said, "Yes. Yes, go on."
The minister cleared his throat. "I think we'd better start again. Ross, repeat after me. I, Ross..."
"I, Ross..."
"Take thee, EM-I-LY..."
"Emily." Ross shot him a look. "Like there'd be anybody else."
The air remained tense.
"As my lawfully wedded wife, in sickness and in health, till death parts us."
Ross mumbled through it: "As my lawfully wedded wife, in sickness and in health, until death parts us. Really, I do. Emily." He even pointed at her, as if that would fix it.
"May I have the rings?"
The rings were passed. Emily shoved his on with extra force.
"Emily, place this ring on Ross's finger as a symbol of your bond everlasting."
Done.
"Ross, place this ring on Emily's hand as a symbol of the love that encircles you forever."
Ross fumbled but got it on. "Happy to."
"Ross and Emily have made their declarations, and it gives me great pleasure to declare them husband and wife."
Ross beamed. "Yay!"
"You may now kiss the bride."
He leaned in. Emily turned her head. He got her cheek.
From in front of us, Mrs. Geller leaned toward her husband and muttered, "This is worse than when he married the lesbian."
The band started playing. The awkward energy lingered.
Ross reached for Emily's hand. She yanked it away.
"Just keep smiling," she hissed.
Ross nodded quickly. "Okay."
Dad blinked at Evelyn. "Why are you smiling, mom?"
She tilted her head. "Well, for once, someone else embarrassed themselves… and not a single Harper was involved."
I nodded. "Gramma has a point."