/* MY BRAIN HURTS
*****/
The human mind does some interesting things under a lot of stress. Personality shifts, hallucinations, paranoia, and a bunch of other disorders you'd typically see in someone who's been kidnapped.
In a way, that might be a solid explanation for what I was seeing.
Honestly, I even get headaches just trying to figure out what the hell Yubel did to make me end up face-to-face with the first main female protagonist of the Yu-Gi-Oh! series in person.
At first, I thought she might be a long-lost sister or something; but the transparent Winged Kuriboh floating by her side gave it all away.
My mind exploded. The answer was right in front of my eyes the whole time, and I was too blind to see it.
The truth was crystal clear. I'm stuck in a damn perverted AU!
I mentally facepalmed for not catching on sooner. It was so obvious when you actually looked for the clues.
My Dark Magician Girl had curves way "fuller" than 4Kids would ever dare to allow. Alexis had exaggerated curves that barely fit in that tight blue uniform.
Add to that a new "Jaden" sporting the most physics-defying chest I've ever seen in my life, and the puzzle pieces fall into place. I wouldn't be shocked if Konami turned out to be the final villain, trying to destroy the world to keep up their "family-friendly" image.
It'd honestly make a pretty cool plot.
Oh, whoa… Don't get me wrong.
As an honorable member of the male species, of course I don't think this is inherently a bad thing. There's a reason I'm so into female-themed decks—I'm no saint.
But I can't help pointing out how UNREAL it is to see this in real life!
I mean, it's weirder than summoning holograms of spirits in a kids' card game. It's seriously unsettling.
Some might say I'm just using that as an excuse for the fact that my eyes lingered on Jaden's (Jay's?) body for a good few minutes. But I couldn't help it, okay?! It was all because of how bizarre it was!
Have you ever seen how weird it is when they jiggle? No, you haven't! So no judging, capiche!
Keep your giggles to yourselves, you annoying magicians.
Times like this, I miss my spirit-free privacy.
Back to what matters, the next duel went more or less as expected. Yuki ended up facing Crowler, with the doctor trying to salvage his reputation by crushing a lazy candidate in front of everyone. Not that it'd really redeem him or anything.
The strategy was different from the anime, but in the end, the Winged Man of Flames won just the same.
Cliché and boring.
No trap destruction, no cool combos. Just a simple, fun win that anyone with two brain cells could follow. Nothing surprising and pretty dull for someone who's seen it all, including the convoluted combos of the Ignister deck.
I still have trauma from that one…
Speaking of trauma, I can feel one creeping up thanks to a challenge that's plagued humanity since the Big Bang.
The dreaded and terrifying… teenage social interaction.
"Dude, your duel was awesome!" the grinning protagonist exclaimed. "I never thought I'd see a card from the King of Games in the entrance exam for this school. It's super rare, right? Would it be too much to ask to see it up close?"
Help, my introverted side can't handle this walking social butterfly.
"Could you tone down the excitement a bit? At this rate, you're gonna end up drooling on my clothes," I say with a grumpy scowl on my face. I've got to protect what's left of my old life, after all.
"Sorry, I guess I got too hyped. Hahaha," she said, scratching the back of her head while still smiling in an annoyingly cute way.
"It's fine, I kinda expected that from you," I reply, crossing my arms.
"Hey, what's that supposed to mean?" she asks.
I make a point not to answer, leaving her hanging just because I liked seeing her pout.
"Hmm… How about I wipe that smirk off your face with a duel on the first day at the academy, huh? You up for it?" Her eyes locked onto mine, radiating that fiery passion of someone who lived for dueling. It was almost like an aura.
"Nah, I'm gonna be way too busy today." Even I know my deck isn't good enough yet to take on Yu-Gi-Oh!'s infamous plot armor. The way it's built, I'd probably lose pathetically to a bad hand, and that'd be humiliating.
"But maybe later I'll find time to beat you." Who wouldn't want to take down the protagonist?
"Oh, spoken like a true duelist!" My eyes glance up to see the person in the seat ahead of me was none other than the oft-forgotten (by the producers) Bastion Misawa. "I'd love to get the data on that match between you two."
"C-Can I join in too?" Great, with that tuft of light blue hair, I spot Syrus jumping into the conversation. The gang's all here now.
"Seeing Dark Magician Girl in action again would be awesome," drools the roid duelist, making me a little nervous as I catch him having romantic thoughts about MY Dark Magician Girl.
Whoops, my possessive side slipped out a bit…
"Sure, the more the merrier… Oh, I forgot to ask your name," said the Kuriboh-haired girl, invading my personal space again.
"Alister Ironwood. You can just call me Alister, or Ali for short," I reply, shaking her hand in a friendly gesture. "Pleasure to meet you all."
I couldn't hold back the smile on my face. After a flurry of introductions, I was itching with excitement. All the characters I loved were real and becoming my friends—a dream come true for any fan.
"Look, it's the island!" I get shoved back so Jay can get a good look out the window. "It's beautiful!"
"Don't push me like that, damn it!" I shove her aside, ignoring the warm feeling of being close to the opposite sex, just to get a proper look at the famous Duel Academy.
An entire island, complete with a mall, dorms, shops, a harbor, and a freaking giant volcano next to my school!
Oh boy, this world's still gonna drive me insane…
------
"What did you say?!" Smoke practically shoots out of my ears in frustration. I grip my new uniform, handed out after Chancellor Sheppard's welcome speech, tightly.
It's the damn red Slifer gear.
"This has to be a mistake. There's no way I got put in Slifer!" I did so well on my test, and now I'm stuck surviving on sardines? No way. I wasn't born for this kind of isekai.
"Sorry, but that's what the paperwork says. Nothing I can do," the guard says, shooing me off to keep the line moving.
If he wants to know, I didn't like his attitude much either.
With no other choice, I stomp off, stewing in my resentment.
Crowler. It's gotta be that clown. Grrr, I'll take him down.
"Hey! Ali, you okay there? You look pissed about something," a wild protagonist appears in my path. "Look, our uniforms match. Cool, right?"
"Yeah, yeah, real cool," I plaster a fake smile on my face while backing toward the academy. "But I kinda need to talk to the chancellor real quick."
"Oh, everything alright?" Jay says, sounding worried.
"Yeah, just a little enrollment mix-up. No big deal," I give a vague answer just to avoid seeing her concerned face. A smile suits her better.
"Nothing serious? Oh, what a relief," she says, dragging a tiny blue-haired dwarf to her side. Where'd he come from? "So, me and Syrus here are gonna check out the Slifer dorm in the meantime."
"We are? Whoa, hey, don't pull me like that!" Poor little guy doesn't have the strength to resist.
"See you there later!" I wave at the girl vanishing into the horizon with her new exploration buddy.
I let out a sigh before heading back toward the massive cylindrical building nestled against the mountain. No doubt Vellian screwed me and Jay over for humiliating him publicly, but that doesn't mean the chancellor's a total idiot too.
If all goes well, a civil conversation should fix this mess.
--------
"Sorry, son, but my hands are tied," Sheppard declares, crushing my hopes yet again.
"Can I know why?" I almost raise my voice but hold back since I'm in front of an important authority.
"To be honest, it wasn't Crowler or your grades that landed you in Slifer Red," he says. I raise my eyebrows, caught off guard by an unexpected plot twist.
"…I don't get it, Chancellor," I say, tilting my head.
"I'm surprised you don't know this. The request came from your guardians when they enrolled you here," he explains, rummaging through his drawer and showing me a stack of signed papers. "Look here, it's got your father's signature."
My dad? My eyes scan the paragraphs until I spot a simple block-letter signature: "Rob."
…You've got to be kidding me.
"I don't mean to pry into your family issues, but your father was very clear he wanted you in the Slifer dorm. He even made a hefty donation to ensure it by contract," Sheppard says, giving me that "your family sounds complicated" look.
And what's with this talk of a secret giant donation? Isn't that corruption?
"So, there's nothing I can do…" I mutter, deflated.
"Yeah, the contract locks you into the Slifer dorm for at least a year," he confirms. Meaning until most of the story's already underway. I bet whoever sent me here is laughing their ass off right now, that bastard.
"Don't get too down about it. Believe it or not, even the Slifer dorm has its perks at this school. For example, the dorm head was voted the most popular by campus students last year." Oh yeah, the famous traitor chasing immortality by trapping people in a book. Real helpful.
"I see…" I reply with a poker face. He couldn't even find something genuinely good to say. That's sad.
"Looks like I didn't help much… Alright, how about this?" With a smile, he picks up his phone and calls someone. "Hey, Steven. Yeah, it's Sheppard. No, not about that—look, I need you to grab that special duel disk from the storage room and bring it to my office. Yep, the red and blue one."
Special duel disk? What the hell's he talking about…
"Delivery? No, don't worry, the special student's already here. Yep. Hurry up." Click
…Okay…
"So… what was that abou—" "Here it is!"
My sentence gets cut off mid-way by a staff member bursting in with fire in his eyes, holding a weird duel disk I don't recall seeing in any anime.
"Here you go, sir!" He thrusts the device onto the desk, saluting like some kind of boot camp soldier.
"Thanks, Steven, you can go now," Sheppard says, and the guy rushes off, leaving me bewildered.
"How was he so fast?!" Did Kaiba invent teleportation machines and I just didn't hear about it?
"Well, the storage room's downstairs," he chuckles at my overreaction before continuing. "Your father said he wanted you to have this to use during your time at the academy. Called it a 'family heirloom.'"
A heirloom? Pretty suspicious, especially coming from something that dubbed itself a Random Omnipotent Being (ROB). "The system recognizes it as a standard duel disk, so it's usable here at school… We were gonna give it to you later, but since you're here…"
"Hn," I pick it up quietly and strap it to my arm, securing the supports. Taking a good look at its colors and shape, I notice a square screen in the middle giving off an Arc-V vibe, with an "MD" marking on the side.
I run my fingers over the smooth metal, feeling like it "connects" to me in some weird way. Too much mysticism for my brain to process.
"I thought your family heirloom would cheer you up more…"
"Huh? Oh, no, I… I really like it, sir," I flash a big forced smile, laughing along to cover it up.
"Good to hear. Now, how about you go check out your dorm? Focus on making new friends and enjoying your time here—have fun and learn as much as you can," he says with more enthusiasm than I expected, muttering "ahh, youth" under his breath at the end.
"Right, I'll get going then. Thanks for everything, Chancellor," I shake his hand, and he returns the gesture with a smile.
At least this bald guy's not so bad, and I even scored a new, special duel disk out of it. I walk down the path toward my dorm, mulling over what to do now that my plan for a luxurious blue-dorm vacation's gone down the drain.
Guess I'm about to become a seafood fan.
"Hey, look, it's one of those Slifer slackers!" My ears catch generic anime bully laughter. Ignore-and-give-no-shits mode: activated.
"Go screw yourselves, losers," I flip them the bird and keep walking without looking back.
"How dare you!" "Show some respect to your superiors, you useless red!"
My path gets blocked by a blue wall of three annoying jerks. Fine, then—I can use this to vent some frustration.
"Annoying pests," I activate my duel disk, watching its screen glow blue as I pull my deck from my pocket and slot it in. "Looks like I'll have to stop this bullying the best way possible. Beat 'em till they're done."
[DUEL MODE - ACTIVATED]
A cool alert flashes on my disk's screen, and a dark blue light extends into a scythe-shaped blade, with light blue squares showing where to place each card.
Sweet.
"That arrogance! Unacceptable!" One of them steps forward, sliding his duel disk from elbow to wrist and powering it up. "Don't worry, guys, I'll take him down solo."
And this guy called me arrogant, huh… This is gonna be sweet as honey.
"Alright, Jaime, we trust you!" "Show him how it's done!" his friends cheer loudly behind this punching bag of the day. I couldn't care less. His short dark blue hair doesn't stand out enough to make him some big-shot character, so I won't bother remembering his name.
"Since you're so superior, you won't mind going first," I say with a grin, enjoying his irritated expression.
"You'll regret that choice," he replies, smirking like every anime villain right before they lose badly. Just saying.
"DUEL!" my opponent yells, drawing six cards in a row.
Jaime – 4000 LP
Alister – 4000 LP
Stupid loud yell. It stopped being funny the first time.
"Hmm… I'll start by setting a monster face-down, along with two more cards face-down." Classic full-set defense. Fine, I can handle that.
"I've seen kids do better!" I taunt, just to mess with him for fun.
"Playtime's over! I activate Secrets of Dark Magic, letting me fuse Dark Magician Girl and Lemon Magician Girl from my hand to summon one of my favorites!"
A purple vortex appears on my side of the field, sucking in my two magicians before flashing a blinding light. In their place now stands the iconic duo: Dark Magician and Dark Magician Girl, forming "The Dark Magicians."
The Dark Magicians – 8* 2800/2300 [Spellcaster/Fusion/Effect]
"He summoned a fusion that fast!? Wait, those are Yugi Muto's cards!" Yep, thanks for stating the obvious, nameless blue extra.
"Tsk. That's still nothing," my opponent grumbles, brushing me off and earning a glare from Dark Magician Girl. She doesn't like anyone disrespecting her master.
"Well, I'm not done yet, so I'll normal summon Chocolate Magician Girl from my hand." She appears straight out of a dark magic circle in attack mode, making a stylish entrance with her bat wings.
Chocolate Magician Girl – 4* 1600/1000 [Spellcaster/Effect]
"Let's see if those cards of yours are worth anything. Attack, Chocolate Magician Girl!" I'm hyped, and it gets even better watching a hologram attack another in real life. Too bad the target turns out to be an ugly gray alien.
"Hahaha, congrats, you destroyed my Gray Alien! Now I not only draw a card, but I also place an A-Counter on your Dark Magicians." An alien deck this early? I thought the Obelisks here didn't run such diverse decks. Damn, I underestimated him.
A weird floating eye starts orbiting my fusion monster, making them tense with a gross meatball hovering near their heads. But it's fine, I can still deal with this. "That's it? Then I'll keep attacking with my other monster."
My magicians turn their staffs, gathering purple energy for a 2800-damage attack, only to be caught off guard by that same ugly alien.
"Not so fast! By activating my trap, Brainwashing Beam, I take control of an opponent's monster with an A-Counter on it!" A red beam shoots from the alien's eyes to the orbiting eyeball, which swells and throws a nasty gray web over my magicians, dragging them to my opponent's side.
I feel bad for my spirits now…
"Ahahaha, I've got to thank you, Slifer. Now I've got a legendary King of Games monster under my control!" He laughs like a drugged-up maniac, and I don't even know how to respond. Awkward.
"Well played, I guess…" I scratch my head, focusing on recalling how alien decks work. "Your turn."
"I draw," he pulls a card and grins even wider. "Perfect."
Oh crap…
"Since I've got an opponent's monster on my side, I can use it as two tributes to summon my deck's strongest monster." Oh no, here comes the Lovecraft rip-off. "Shatter my opponent's sanity, Cosmic Horror Gangi'el!"
A massive, tentacle-ridden blob absorbs my poor fusion monster, sending them to the graveyard and leaving me stuck staring at this thing.
"What an ugly beast," I blurt out, recoiling from the disgustingly realistic hologram that looks like a thrift-store Cthulhu.
"What?! How can you say that! Don't you see how beautiful it is?!" my blue-haired opponent snaps, now missing his buddies' backup.
Sadly for him, tentacle aliens don't have many fans.
"Ahhh, I'll show you the beauty of cosmic horror! First, I activate its effect and place an A-Counter on your bat magician over there!" He got my magician's name wrong—how dare he?! "Now I attack with Gangi'el!"
Oh boy, no one warned him.
"With Gangi'el's effect, your monster loses 300 ATK for each A-Counter on it. So you'll take 1300 points of dam—"
"Enough blabbering, you idiot," I cut him off, tired of the boring explanations. "I activate Chocolate Magician Girl's effect. Since she was targeted for an attack, I can revive a Spellcaster from my graveyard. Guess who's coming back?"
"That's right, The Dark Magicians! And your attack's new target is them. Good luck with that," I smirk as he panics, realizing his Lovecraftian monster shrinks and is about to crash into two very pissed-off magicians.
"No, not yet! I activate my other trap, Crop Circles!" Great, he can't do much with that. "I stop my attack, sending Gangi'el to the graveyard and summoning another straight from my deck."
"My new alien places an A-Counter on your Dark Magicians." Smarter tactics than I expected from a random GX goon. This might drag on longer than I thought.
"I set a card and end my turn." Alright, my turn again. Let's see if I can wrap this up quick.
"Heart of the cards, here we go," I draw the top card and take a peek. Yes, victory's right in front of me.
"I activate the spell Soul Servant." A magic card rises on the field, showing a badass Dark Magician with a purple aura. "With this, I can place any card that mentions Dark Magician or Dark Magician Girl on top of my deck. And I choose Magicians' Souls."
"So what?! You think I'll let you survive long enough to draw it?!" he yells.
"Next turn? Oh, my dear, there won't be a next turn," I say, chuckling as I draw the card I just stacked.
"What? Why'd you draw another card like that?!" "Yeah, that's cheating!" Oh, forgot about the peanut gallery. So irrelevant.
"Simple. My fusion monster lets me draw a card each turn a spell's activated," I say. Except during the battle phase, but he doesn't need to know that.
"So you picked what card to draw," he says, eyes wide.
"Yep, a neat combo. But I'm not done. I activate Magicians' Souls' effect. By sending it to the graveyard, I can send a Dark Magician Girl from my deck to the graveyard and then summon her to the field."
With a light show, my ace monster arrives, smiling on the field until she looks confused seeing herself beside her. It doesn't last long before they wave happily at each other.
"He summoned a level-six monster that easily. What a strong deck," says extra #1 with brown hair.
"Yeah, and she's so pretty~..." drools extra #2, the simp.
"Let's attack already and end this," Jaime says, faking defeat to bait me into his trap. Lucky for me, I've got countermeasures.
"I activate Dark Burning Attack. Since I control a Dark Magician Girl, this spell lets me destroy all monsters on your field. So say goodbye to that ugly thing!" With a wave of her hand, a ball of energy blasts the tentacle monster, making the field way less repulsive.
"Your monster!" Guess my opponent didn't like that much.
"Now I attack with The Dark Magicians and end this tiresome duel," I signal my magicians to strike, only to be stopped by something familiar.
"Ta-dah! Brainwashing Beam saves me again!" Oh great, my Dark Magicians get controlled again. "Guess you'll have to pass the turn now."
"Actually, no. I activate Kiwi Magician Girl's effect from my hand. By sending her to the graveyard, all my Dark Magician Girls gain 300 ATK for each Dark Magician Girl on the field or in the graveyard. By my count, that's a 900-point boost."
"What? A hand effect?!" Oh right, those are still rare in this era.
"Yep, and now my 2900-ATK Dark Magician Girl destroys the monster you control!" With that, I watch my Dark Magician Girl blow up another Dark Magician Girl. Oh, the many faces of me.
Jaime – 3900 LP
Alister – 4000 LP
"And then I wrap it up with The Dark Magicians' special effect. When this fusion's destroyed, I can summon a Dark Magician and Dark Magician Girl straight from my deck," I say with a wink.
"You WHAT?!" my opponent shouts, dumbfounded, staring defenseless at a bunch of angry, powerful magicians.
"Well, guess it's GG," I say, feeling more tired than I should from this duel. Probably from having to explain everything.
"No, it can't be… Losing to a Slifer," the sore loser grumbles.
"Grow up. Dark Magician Girl, do me a favor and finish him off."
"Noooooo!" the poor Obelisk screams as a purple blast hits him in the face. Lucky for him, it's just a hologram.
Jaime – 0000 LP
Alister – 4000 LP < VICTORY (+400 DP)
Whoa, what's this?
Duel Points? Oh right, the academy currency. Haha, I can still get good food here.
I was complaining for nothing. Just gotta beat up some rich jerks, and I'll be living fine either way.
A chill runs through me as I notice it's getting dark.
I've wasted too much time here. Time to check out my cliffside dorm.