The night air in the canyon near the Stormterror's Lair ruins was cool and heavy, the faint scent of moss and dark magic lingering like a storm cloud. The campfire at the center of the group's makeshift encampment crackled, its flames casting a warm glow that pushed back the shadows, illuminating the sleeping bags laid out on the rocky ground. The surrounding canyon walls rose high, their jagged surfaces etched with ancient Anemo sigils that glowed faintly in the moonlight, a reminder of the ruins' storied past. The distant howl of a wolf echoed through the night, a haunting melody that underscored the tension of their mission to save Teucer, the Wind Dragon, from the Abyss Order's control.
Xander sat on a rock near the fire, the Shadowfang Blade resting beside him, its dark steel glinting in the firelight. The Power Blade, a spectral greatsword he'd recently acquired, had proven its worth in the canyon earlier, its raw strength a perfect complement to the Shadowfang Blade's precision. He was content, the day's battles behind them, and the second creation broadcast providing a much-needed moment of levity. Jean sat nearby, her blue cape draped over her shoulders, her Anemo Vision glowing faintly at her waist. Her blonde hair caught the firelight, a few strands escaping her tight ponytail to frame her tired face as she watched the broadcast with a small smile. Eula sat on her sleeping bag, her silver-blue hair shimmering like frost, her Cryo Vision glowing at her hip, her expression a mix of amusement and disbelief as she polished her claymore. Ying sat cross-legged, her golden eyes warm with the fire's glow, her blonde hair shimmering as she laughed at the video, her sword resting beside her. Paimon hovered nearby, her starry cape fluttering as she giggled uncontrollably, her tiny body shaking with each burst of laughter.
The virtual screen of the Teyvat Second Creation broadcast room glowed above the campfire, its ethereal light casting a soft blue hue across the camp. The video, titled "The General Who Can't Cook," had already caused a stir across Teyvat, its protagonist none other than General Raiden—Ei, the Electro Archon of Inazuma. The revelation that even the Seven Archons were fair game for the second creation videos had sent shockwaves through the audience, particularly among the gods themselves. Zhongli and Venti, watching from their respective corners of the continent, were visibly rattled, their attempts at nonchalance betrayed by the nervous undertones in their chat messages.
The video had already shown Ei's disastrous attempt at cooking, resulting in a kitchen fire that had left the Electro Archon crying in Kujou Sara's arms. The sight of Inazuma's most dignified General Raiden, the supreme force of the nation and an unshakable idol in the hearts of her people, reduced to a sobbing child had left the audience in a state of shock and amusement. Kujou Sara, her loyal retainer, had taken on a motherly role, comforting Ei with a tenderness that contrasted sharply with her usual stern demeanor. The chat had exploded with reactions, the audience torn between laughter and sympathy.
Kujou Sara: "I'm so envious… wait, no, that's too much! The General would never cry like this—this second creation video is outrageous!"
Xander: "@Kujou Sara, you said you were envious just now, didn't you? You want to be like your video self, holding the General in your arms, right?"
Kujou Sara: "No, no, you're slandering me!"
Fischl: "The mighty Thor… a mere babe in the kitchen?!"
Jean: "The second creation broadcast room is truly bold—even the gods aren't safe…"
Arataki Itto: "Hahaha, the General cries like a kid on the street—no different from the brats in Hanamizaka!"
Kuki Shinobu: "@Arataki Itto, Boss, are you trying to get yourself killed?"
Kujou Sara: "@Arataki Itto, your detention time will be extended by another six months."
Yae Miko: "Hee hee, my old friend used to be like this—the second creation isn't exaggerating at all!"
Ei: "@Yae Miko, Miko, you're getting a bit too bold."
Raiden Shogun: "This is not me. Believe what you will."
Ei: "…"
Ei, watching from the Pure Land of One Heart, was seething with a mix of anger and embarrassment. The second creation video had struck a nerve, exposing a side of her she'd kept hidden from the world—her vulnerability, her desire to connect with the mundane aspects of life like cooking. As the Electro Archon, she was expected to be a symbol of eternity, unyielding and perfect. But as Ei, the shadow within the Pure Land, she was a recluse, a socially awkward god who longed to understand the human experiences she'd distanced herself from. The video had laid bare her struggles, and while she couldn't lash out in the chat without risking her identity, her frustration was palpable. If she ever found the person behind these broadcasts, she'd have a few choice words—and perhaps a few thousand lightning strikes—for them.
The video continued, picking up where it had left off. Ei stood in the charred remains of the kitchen, her violet eyes still glistening with tears as she clung to Kujou Sara, her braid swaying as she sniffled. Sara, her tengu wings folded neatly behind her, stroked Ei's head with a gentle hand, her stern expression softening into one of quiet resolve. "Don't cry, General—I'll find a way," she said, her voice firm but tender. "Liyue is known as a gourmet nation. We can invite a great chef from Liyue to teach you how to cook."
The scene transitioned, showing Sara making a remote video call to Ningguang, the Tianquan of the Liyue Qixing. The screen displayed Ningguang in her opulent office at the Jade Chamber, her golden hair shimmering in the light, her Geo Vision glowing at her waist. Her crimson dress was a stark contrast to the white and gold decor of the chamber, its walls adorned with intricate carvings of dragons and clouds. "A chef for the Raiden Shogun?" Ningguang said, her tone a mix of curiosity and amusement. "I know just the person—Xiangling, the young master chef of Wanmin Restaurant. She's a prodigy in the kitchen and has a knack for teaching. I'll send her to Inazuma immediately."
The video fast-forwarded, the scene shifting to Inazuma once more. Xiangling arrived at the Tenshukaku, the Shogun's palace, her blue hair bouncing in its twin tails, her Pyro Vision glowing at her waist. Her red and gold outfit was vibrant against the muted tones of the palace, its wooden halls adorned with paper screens and Electro sigils that pulsed with a faint purple light. Guoba, her tiny bear companion, toddled behind her, his round eyes blinking curiously as he sniffed the air, the scent of incense and cherry blossoms filling the space.
Xiangling bowed to Ei, her smile bright with enthusiasm. "General Raiden, I'm Xiangling from Liyue's Wanmin Restaurant! I'm here to teach you how to cook—let's make some delicious dishes together!" she exclaimed, her voice brimming with confidence.
Ei straightened, her violet eyes narrowing slightly as she regained some of her composure. "I… appreciate your assistance," she said, her tone stiff with pride. "I am the Electro Archon—eternity itself. I will master this skill, as I have mastered all others."
The chat reacted to Xiangling's appearance, the audience buzzing with excitement and skepticism.
Xiangling: "I'm in the video?! And the broadcast room called me a super chef!"
Guoba: "Lulu!"
Master Mao: "My daughter's making me proud—hahaha, I'm so relieved as a father!"
Yanxiao: "She's qualified to teach the Raiden Shogun how to cook—and at such a young age?"
Xander: "I wonder if Xiangling can actually teach the General to cook. I feel like the General and cooking just don't mix."
Kujou Sara: "@Xander, impossible—absolutely impossible! The General will definitely learn to cook!"
Yae Miko: "Tsk tsk, my old friend—she really can't learn how to cook."
Ei: "Miko…"
Xander: "@Ei, who are you? Why do you get so defensive when the General is mentioned—are you her friend?"
Ei: "…"
Xiangling, in the video, was brimming with confidence. As Liyue's top chef, she believed that anyone could learn to cook with the right guidance and effort. "It's just teaching the basics—easy peasy!" she said, her tone cheerful as she rolled up her sleeves and set up a new kitchen space in the palace. The new kitchen was pristine, its wooden counters polished to a shine, its shelves stocked with fresh ingredients from Inazuma and Liyue—fish, rice, lavender melons, and a variety of spices that filled the air with a tantalizing aroma.
But Xiangling had underestimated her student. Ei's talent for cooking wasn't just lacking—it was a negative number, a void where culinary skill should have been. The video cut to a montage of disasters, each more chaotic than the last. Xiangling started with a simple dish: stir-fried fish with vegetables. She demonstrated how to fillet the fish, her knife moving with precision as she sliced the flesh into neat pieces. Ei attempted to follow, but her knife skills—honed for battle, not cooking—were too forceful, the blade slicing through the fish, the cutting board, and nearly the counter itself. "Um… maybe a lighter touch, General?" Xiangling suggested, her smile faltering as she pried the knife free.
Next, they moved on to boiling rice. Xiangling explained the importance of the water-to-rice ratio, her tone patient as she measured out the ingredients. Ei nodded, her expression serious, but when it was her turn, she dumped the entire bag of rice into the pot, followed by a single cup of water. The result was a gluey, inedible mess, the rice clumping together like paste. Xiangling's eyes widened in horror, her hands flailing as she tried to salvage the situation. "No, no, no—too much rice, not enough water!" she exclaimed, her voice a mix of panic and amusement.
The final attempt was a dessert—lavender melon mochi. Xiangling showed Ei how to knead the dough, her movements smooth and practiced. Ei, however, channeled her Electro Vision into the dough, her lightning sparking as she tried to "speed up the process." The dough exploded in a burst of purple energy, the kitchen filling with smoke as the mochi mixture splattered across the walls. Xiangling yelped, grabbing a cloth to wipe the mess from her face, while Guoba ran in circles, his tiny paws flailing as he tried to help. Ei stood amidst the chaos, her expression a mix of confusion and indignation. "This… is not eternal," she muttered, her voice a low growl as she glared at the ruined dough.
The chat exploded with laughter, the audience unable to contain their amusement at the Electro Archon's culinary misadventures.
Yae Miko: "I told you—she's hopeless in the kitchen!"
Yoimiya: "She used lightning to knead dough—lightning!"
Kujou Sara: "This… this must be a lie! The General will learn eventually!"
Kamisato Ayaka: "I feel so bad for Xiangling… she's trying so hard!"
Xiangling: "Oh no, I didn't mean to make things worse—I just wanted to help!"
Guoba: "Lulu…"
Arataki Itto: "I take it back—she's way worse than me! I've never exploded dough!"
Kuki Shinobu: "Boss, that's not something to be proud of…"
Hu Tao: "Hahaha, this is better than any ad for the Wangsheng Funeral Parlor!"
Zhongli: "Perhaps we should send her a cookbook…"
Venti: "I'm staying out of this—my cooking's not much better!"
Back at the camp, Xander and the others were doubled over with laughter, the absurdity of the video a welcome reprieve from the tension of their mission. Paimon clutched her stomach, her tiny body shaking as she giggled. "She exploded the mochi with lightning—lightning!" she exclaimed, her voice a mix of disbelief and delight.
Ying wiped a tear from her eye, her laughter subsiding as she caught her breath. "I didn't think the Electro Archon could be so… clueless," she said, her tone a mix of amusement and sympathy. "But Xiangling's trying so hard—I hope she doesn't give up."
Eula smirked, her icy demeanor softened by the humor. "Even gods have their weaknesses," she said, her tone dry but her eyes warm with amusement. "Though I must admit, Xiangling's patience is impressive. I'd have lost my temper by now."
Jean set her map aside, her exhaustion forgotten as she smiled at the group. "It's a good reminder that even the most powerful among us can struggle with the simplest things," she said, her voice gentle. "But I hope the General doesn't take it too personally—Inazuma doesn't need a culinary crisis on top of its other challenges."
Xander leaned back, his grin wide as he watched the chat continue to flood with reactions. The video had been a success, the contrast between Ei's divine authority and her culinary ineptitude striking a perfect balance of humor and heart. But as he watched Xiangling's valiant efforts to teach Ei, a new idea sparked in his mind. Xiangling's determination and Ei's stubbornness had created a dynamic that deserved a sequel—perhaps a second creation video focusing on their continued lessons, with even more chaos ensuing. Or maybe it was time to give Ei a break and turn his attention to another god—Zhongli, perhaps, whose stoic demeanor would make for a hilarious contrast in a comedic scenario.
As the broadcast room closed, the campfire crackled, its flames casting flickering shadows on the canyon walls. Tomorrow, they would face Teucer and the Abyss Order in a battle for Mondstadt's soul—but for now, they rested, their spirits lifted by the laughter and the bonds they'd forged. The stars above were obscured by clouds, but the glow of the fire and the warmth of their camaraderie pushed back the darkness, a beacon of hope in the face of the challenges ahead.
***
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