-Adrian-
The bus starts heading out of the city, leaving the weekend behind as just another memory. I force a grin onto my face and join in the banter flying between the guys. Most of them are nursing hangovers, groaning dramatically at every bump in the road. The sound grates against my nerves, each laugh a reminder that I should be feeling something other than this hollow ache.
"I swear to god, if I ever see another tequila shot again, I'm going to hurl," Killian moans from the back.
"That's what you said last time," someone shouts, triggering a round of laughter.
I'm trying to use them as a distraction to forget about my little wolf. But as the distance between me and the city grows, so does the emptiness in my chest. It's a physical pain now, a void expanding with each mile marker we pass.
You could still turn this bus around, Nox suggests for the hundredth time, his voice a persistent whisper in my mind.
Drop it, I snap back, my inner voice harsh even to my own ears.
You're miserable. I'm miserable. And for what? Some bullshit notion about fate?
I said drop it. The words are final, but the doubt lingers, a shadow I can't outrun.
By the time we reach Dark Pine territory, I'm ready to jump back into my alpha duties. The familiar scent of pine and earth should feel like coming home, but instead, it just reminds me of what I left behind. The forest that once brought me comfort now seems to mock me with its permanence, its certainty. I head straight to my office, not realizing I'm being followed until Asher and Jax slip in behind me.
As soon as the door shuts, Asher crosses his arms. "You want to tell us what's going on?"
"Nothing," I reply, dropping into my chair and reaching for a stack of reports, avoiding their penetrating gazes.
Jax snorts, not buying it. "Don't lie to us. You disappeared two nights in a row."
"And when you were hanging around, you weren't really there," Asher adds. "Like your body was present but your mind was somewhere else entirely."
I sigh, flipping through the papers without really seeing them. "Seriously guys, it's nothing." The words taste like ash in my mouth.
"You were quiet the whole trip home," Jax presses. "So what the hell is going on?"
"Is there something we need to be worried about?" Asher's voice drops, concern evident.
I look up, irritated at their persistence, at how easily they can see through me. "No. This has nothing to do with the pack."
Asher crosses his arms. "So it's personal?"
"Yep. My business." I clench my jaw, daring them to push further.
"Fine," Jax concedes, "at least give us something to work with."
I lean back in my chair, the leather creaking under my weight. "I met a woman. The trip is over. The end." Even saying those simple words carves something out of me.
"You saw her both nights?" Asher's eyebrows shoot up. "What about you focusing on finding your mate?"
"Yes, I saw her both nights. But she won't be an issue." The lie burns in my throat.
Jax barks out a laugh. "And you honestly believe that? You're Adrian Blackclaw. Alpha of the largest pack in the north."
"And you're sure she won't be another crazy delusional chick like Jasmine?" Asher asks, raising an eyebrow.
I remember Jasmine—the she-wolf who'd stalked me for months after one night together, convinced we were destined mates. "Yes. She won't be a bother at all." My little wolf is nothing like Jasmine. She's... something else entirely.
"Who is she?" Jax asks, his eyes narrowing with suspicion.
I shrug, trying to appear nonchalant even as my chest tightens. "I don't know anything about her. Not even her name."
Asher's eyes narrow. "How is that possible? You said you spent two nights with her."
"It was all part of the deal," I explain, my voice rougher than intended. "No names, and she didn't see my face. We left out identifying information. It was pure pleasure, nothing more." The words sound hollow, a poor description of what transpired between us.
Liar, Nox growls. It was so much more and you fucking know it. It was everything.
"She didn't see your face?" Jax looks incredulous. "Like she was blind?"
"No, she was blindfolded. The entire time, both times." The memory of her blindfolded, vulnerable and trusting, sends a jolt of heat through me, followed immediately by crushing regret.
"And she never asked what your name was or to see your face?" Asher presses.
A small smile tugs at my lips as I remember her sweet pleas, the desperation in her voice. "No, she did. Hell, she begged to. But I told her I wouldn't break my word to her, and it was for the best."
You should have told her, Nox snarls. You should have shown her. She deserved to know who was fucking her so good she screamed. Who was making her feel things she'd never felt before.
"Not gonna lie, that sounds fucking hot," Asher says with a grin.
Jax shoots him a dirty look before turning back to me. "Why didn't you just tell her? You obviously liked her."
I run a hand through my hair, the frustration building inside me. "I would have wanted to make her mine. And you know how mate bonds work. Once I found my mate, I would have ended up breaking little wolf's heart." The excuse sounds weak even to my own ears.
If you think anyone could compare to her, you're delusional, Nox snaps. No one will ever make you feel what she did. No one.
"Little wolf?" Asher's smirk widens.
I grab a pen off my desk and toss it at him, a growl building in my chest. "Shut the fuck up."
"Naw, you gave her a nickname..." He wiggles his eyebrows suggestively. "She must have been something."
A growl rips from my throat before I can stop it, primal and dangerous. "Don't disrespect her. There's more to her than a good fucking." My eyes flash, a warning that even my beta recognizes.
So much more, Nox agrees. And you left her anyway. You abandoned what could have been everything.
Asher backs up a step, lifting his hands in surrender, but he still has a shit-eating grin on his face. "Sorry, man. Won't happen again."
"You could have taken her as a chosen mate still," Jax points out. "We need a Luna."
I shake my head, the weight of my responsibilities pressing down on me. "You know what kind of pack we are and the things we've all done. Anytime we think it's finally over, that we finally caught him and this can end..." I close my eyes and let out a breath, the darkness of our reality settling over me. "He disappears again. She is too pure, and I don't want her getting mixed up in our war."
She's stronger than you think, Nox argues. She could handle it. You saw her fire, her spirit. She's not some delicate flower that needs sheltering.
"You would be okay with your mate getting mixed up in things?" Asher asks, his tone serious now.
"She'd be my mate," I say flatly, my voice cold. "Her choices would be to deal with me and our shit or reject me." The words come out harsher than intended, revealing the jagged edges of my soul.
But you didn't even give little wolf a choice, Nox points out, his voice laden with accusation. You made it for her. You decided what was best without even asking what she wanted.
We're interrupted by a knock on the door. Killian enters and closes it behind him, his expression grim, eyes shadowed with something dark.
"Jamison is in the cells," he reports. "He says one of the rogues is ready to talk."
I stand up, relieved to be done with the conversation that's tearing open wounds I'm trying desperately to ignore. "Let's go see what that piece of shit has to say."
As we walk out of the office and toward the cells, Nox continues to berate me, his voice a relentless whisper in my mind.
You know what your problem is? You're so fucking scared of getting hurt that you'd rather walk away than take a chance. You didn't leave her for her sake—you left her for yours.
That's not true, I argue, but the words feel hollow even to me, empty protests against a truth I'm not ready to face.
It is true. You felt something real with her, and it terrified you. So you ran like a coward, hiding behind duty and fate and all the other bullshit excuses you tell yourself.
I'm protecting her, I insist, my mental voice strained with the effort of believing my own lies.
From what? From feeling something real? From having a choice in her own fucking life? Or are you just protecting yourself from the possibility that she might reject you if she knew who you really are?
I ignore him as we descend the stairs to the cells, but I can't ignore the ache in my chest that grows with every step I take away from the city—away from her. It's a physical pain now, a constant reminder of what I've left behind.
You're going to regret this, Nox says quietly, his voice softening with something like pity. And by the time you realize it, it might be too late. She might be gone forever.
For the first time since becoming Alpha, I'm afraid my wolf might be right. The thought of never seeing her again, never hearing her laugh or feeling her body against mine, creates a darkness inside me that threatens to consume everything in its path.
And the worst part is knowing I have no one to blame but myself.