I was supposed to wake up at 5:30 a.m., but I'm already awake.
It's 4:45 a.m.
The wall clock echoed with that familiar rhythm, ticking and ticking. My unremarkable eyes stared at it, blankly. It was almost laughable—how ready I am for the first day of school. Anyone who sees me will think that I'm excited. But the truth is the exact opposite.
The day hadn't even started, and I already want it to end.
It was an orientation day. Nothing's required, no books to carry. Students are allowed to wear anything within reason. Boys can dress however they want, and girls are free to wear makeup.
But me? I don't want to stand out. No makeup. And my outfit? It looks like I am heading to visit a distant relative.
But then... wouldn't that make me stand out?
To be ordinary among the extortionary—isn't that what makes someone extortionary?
I sighed. I hadn't slept well. Not because of excitement—because of nerves.
I got out of bed and made my way to the wardrobe, aiming to be just noticeable enough not to be noticed.
A skirt that reached just above my knees. Long socks to cover the rest. A shirt... not bad, in my opinion. I styled my short hair—just to my neck—and applied some pointless chemicals to my eyes.
Getting ready took about half an hour—not because it was complicated, but because I kept pausing. Pausing to sigh, to think about skipping school.
If it is up to me, I wouldn't go. But my older brother wouldn't be happy with that decision.
Speaking of my brother, there he is—calling from the living room. His voice carried a kind of liveliness that doesn't belong to someone who had just woken up. How does he do that?
"Alyssa! Hey, Alyssa!"
"C-Coming!" Damn it. I stuttered again. But I matched his cheerful tone anyway, one that didn't sound like me at all.
When I stepped out of my room, I found Victor, my brother, sitting in the living room, staring at a few slices of leftover pizza from last night.
"I know pizza isn't exactly a healthy breakfast, but... delicious!" He smiled.
I wasn't in the mood to eat. No food tasted good to me in that moment. But I appreciated the effort. Life without parents isn't easy—especially for a guy who hadn't even hit his mid-twenties. He didn't just have to live without a mother or father. He has to take care of a little sister. Me.
We had breakfast together. Victor chatted a lot. I avoided talking by stuffing my mouth with food every time I sensed a question coming my way. My answers were all nods.
After we got ready, it was time to leave for my new school.
We walked down the stairs—Victor talking and talking, while my mind wandered elsewhere.
The house was huge. We came from a wealthy family, but everyone had left, leaving Victor and me alone. Two of my siblings got married, and we never heard from them again. The third... well, he had a bit of an outlaw, and now he's in prison.
I never had sisters. My mother left us when I was seven or eight—I can't remember exactly—and my father passed away recently. Now, this big, empty house belonged to just the two of us.
I paused at the front door and looked outside. Victor opened it, but I didn't follow.
I didn't want to leave. I don't want to go out. I want to scream.
Victor turned back, puzzled. "Alyssa?"
I smiled awkwardly. "I-It's c-c... cold. Haha."
Really? "Haha"? What was that? A nervous reflex?
Victor glanced outside again, then quietly closed the door a bit. "You don't want to go? I can take the day off. We can go see a movie or whatever."
I clenched my fists. My heart pounding.
Thankfully, he knew I needed a moment. So he waited, patiently.
"N-No!... I want to go," I whispered the last part.
It was a lie. And he knew it. But we both went along with it.
Victor stepped outside. I hesitated before taking that first step out the door—it felt heavy. Like a step that couldn't be taken back.
But I took it. And why should that matter? There are eight billion people in this world. Most of them leave the house daily. It's not an achievement.
Yet somehow, the proud smile Victor gave me from the car made it feel like one.
We got into the new car Victor had recently bought. He began "warming up" the engine, explaining in painful details why it was necessary. Something about cold engine oil not flowing smoothly or whatever.
Before we reach the school, allow me to introduce myself properly.
I'm Alyssa.
I'm not the best at anything. But I'm good at everything I try. A girl who isn't used to talking much. My childhood was like watching a muted movie with subtitles. A life that has much to say, but no voice to tell
I barely spoke as a child, which gave me speech issues. Stuttering became my one and only superpower.
Do you know what makes stuttering worse? Extreme anxiety.
I always feel like people are watching me. Judging me. I feel like the inner voices of every person in the room are all discussing me. And when I stutter, the dominoes start falling. The stuttering causes anxiety... which causes more stuttering... which causes more anxiety.
A vicious, spiraling hell that clings to me like a shadow.
So, I found myself a silent world. One with no noise, no speaking. A world of books. I read and read. One day, I was a princess. The next, a knight. A heroine in a cheesy romance, or a detective solving crimes with unmatched intellect.
I fell in love with words, and eventually... I started writing.
I wove my own worlds from imagination. I created characters who lived by my command, and died by it. I was more alive in those fictional worlds than in the real one I woke up to every day.
Oh… we arrived.
"Oh, don't worry," Victor said cheerfully as we pulled up in front of the school. "I'll get both types for you when I get off work tonight!"
Both types? I had no idea what he was talking about. But I nodded anyway, playing along.
I opened the car door, and Victor gently placed his hand on my shoulder. I turned to look at him.
"If you feel like coming back early, just call me. My work's near."
A sudden question. The type I hate the most.
It took me a few seconds to respond.
"O-Okay. G-goodbye."
He smiled again. "No—see you later."
Pity. That smile was soaked in pity.
I stepped out of the car and stared up at the massive school building.
This was my second year of high school... meaning I still had one more year left in this hell.
I started walking toward the entrance. Everyone around me was laughing, talking, surrounded by friends. They all knew each other. They all knew how to speak.
I walked into the building, and the hallway was like the one in my old school—brightly lit, lined with lockers on both sides. Some students stood chatting at their lockers; others strolled with their groups. A girl walked beside a boy, pretending to be in love. A boy acted like a fool just to make his friends laugh. Girls giggled together while secretly hating each other.
Masks. Everyone's wearing masks.
And as if I were one to judge—I'd worn my own mask longer than anyone here. But at least mine doesn't hurt anyone...
I hurried to find my class. The last thing I need is to bump into one of these overly sociable, life-loving types.
When I opened the door to the classroom, there were already three students inside.
A girl with long, beautiful hair who, with just one look, I knew was exactly the type I was avoiding—someone who loved life too much.
Behind her sat a quiet boy with a book in his hands. His short hair and drowsy eyes didn't stand out. I could tell he was like me—the type who tried not to stand out. But I was slightly smarter than him. I surrounded myself with the bright ones to blend in. He just hid alone.
The third was a slightly tall girl, who turned her gaze to me the moment I entered—and so did the other two.
I hate this.
I think... they're expecting me to greet them?
Come on, Alyssa. Just say "Hi." One simple word and they'll look away.
"M..." My lips sealed. My brain froze. My heart pounding.
I just want to disappear.
Thankfully, the door burst open behind me, and a loud group of students came rushing in, their chatter drowning me in sweet relief as the covered my presence with their chatter.
The teacher followed shortly after, placing books on the desk. He looked at me.
"You're the new student?"
Damn it...
All the students turned toward me. The lost girl standing in the doorway.
My brain scrambled for an answer. I hadn't even realized he'd asked me something. He repeated it.
"It's rude not to answer. Are you the new student?"
I nodded quickly, silently begging him to stop drawing attention to me.
He turned to the class. "Quiet."
The classroom hushed.
"We have a new student joining us today," he continued. "Introduce yourself."
All eyes were back on me.
I glanced up for a second—then looked down at the floor. Please... please let me vanish.
Five seconds passed. Ten. Nothing.
My brain had surrendered. No words would come.
"She looks like she's lost and meant to be in middle school," a boy snickered, mocking my height.
"Do you think she's mute?" whispered a girl.
"Nah, I think she's deaf! She didn't even respond to the teacher," another girl added.
"Hey, you!" a boy shouted. "Is your name that hard to pronounce?"
Laughter broke out.
I want to vanish more than ever. My heart pounding so loud I feel like everyone can hear it.
"A-Aly... A-Alyssa, sir..." I whispered.
The teacher gave me a look I couldn't quite read. Is he annoyed? Surprised? Pitying me?
"Ali Alyssa? Weird name," the same boy mocked again.
But a girl from the back responded sharply, "It's Alyssa, you idiot. Can't your brain filter words?"
It was the cheerful girl. The life-lover.
"What did you say?!" the boy snapped back.
The teacher slammed his hand on the desk. "Enough! Alyssa, sit wherever there's an empty seat."
I scanned the room. Three empty seats.
One next to the quiet boy. Another in front of him, beside the girl who defended me. And the last one... at the very back.
I started walking down the aisle toward the back.
But the girl who had stood up for me smiled and gently pulled out the chair next to her.
I didn't want to embarrass her, so I sat beside her.
I caught the quiet boy glancing at me. I quickly looked away and adjusted my seat.
The girl extended her hand toward me.
"I'm Sophia. And that's Alfred. Nice to meet you, Alyssa."
I looked at her hand for a few seconds before offering mine in return. She didn't seem bothered by the delay.
The first classes passed—and I cursed myself the whole time. Why can't I just talk like everyone else?
Between each class, we had a ten-minute break. As soon as the first break started, Sophia turned to Alfred.
"Put the book down already! Didn't you bring your phone?"
"I did," Alfred replied calmly.
"Then write the next chapter! You can read later!"
"I can't write now. Not in the mood."
"Come on... half a chapter!"
"What's the point of half?"
"So you can finish the rest faster when you get home!"
I listened to their conversation. I wanted to join. I wanted to read with them. I wanted them to read what I write.
I wanted to speak. Please, brain.
In the midst of begging my brain to form sentences, the classroom door slammed open.
Everyone turned to look.
Except me.
Because I already know who it is.
People fear social anxiety. But social anxiety fears this girl.
"Lisaaa!!!" she shouted as she stomped into the room.
She walked straight toward me—and I wished I could crawl under the desk.
She stood beside me. Sophia looked up at her. Alfred? He just flipped another page of his book, completely unfazed.
"Is someone bothering you?" the girl asked me.
I looked up at her. She was tall. The happiness radiating from her face was brighter than the sunlight through the window.
My expression tensed. I didn't respond.
Sophia glanced at me, then back at the girl.
And even though she barely knew me, she stood up.
"Clearly, you're the only one bothering her," she said defensively.
"Me?!" the girl shot back.
Sophia, shorter than the girl, looked up. "Yes, you. What are you doing in this class? Go back to yours."
What kind of day is this? All this drama is around me? Like I'm the heroine of some cheap high school novel.
"Alyssa, tell her. I really don't want to punch anyone on the first day of school," the girl said with an arrogant smile.
"Punch someone? Try it and see what happens," Sophia challenged.
Alfred yawned and flipped another page. And I could tell what he was thinking. One word: Girls.
To end the chaos, I tugged on Sophia's shirt. She looked down.
I whispered, "S-she's a frie—nnn..."
As if trying to rescue me from the stress of explaining, Sophia said with a questioning tone, "A friend?"
I nodded.
With an exaggerated wave of her hand, the girl said, "Shoo, shoo," like she was dismissing a stray pet.
Sophia scowled. Alfred stood up and walked behind the girl, giving Sophia a look.
"Let's go," he said.
Sophia sighed and followed him out. The girl sat beside me.
"Your friends are weird," she said.
I looked at her and nodded.
Friends? I wasn't sure.
"I asked the principal to move me to your class. She said she couldn't without a proper reason."
I wanted to reply... but couldn't.
"Don't worry though. I'll find someone to punch tomorrow. They'll have to move me then. And if they moved me to a class that isn't yours, I'll punch someone else." She smiled proudly like it was a genius solution.
Then she stood up. "See you later," she said, and walked off.
Sophia returned just as she left. They exchanged glances that looked a lot like mutual hatred.
The girl stuck her tongue out childishly before slamming the door behind her.
Alfred kept his eyes on me. I felt out of place—unwanted.
So, I got up from my seat next to Sophia and moved to the desk I had wanted from the beginning. The one at the very back.
Sophia glanced at me for a second, then turned to Alfred and started chatting again.
I pulled out the device Victor had bought me—its only function is to play music.
I put on my headphones, played my favorite song, and opened my book.
There is no lessons today, so no one bothered me, and I read the entire day.
When school ended, everyone began to leave.
I have a habit of waiting for the room to empty before leaving myself.
They left, one by one.
When Sophia's turn came, I found myself glancing at her from the corner of my eye.
Before she walked out, she raised her hand toward me.
"See you tomorrow, Alyssa!"
My eyes widened slightly.
I looked down and ignored her words.
When everyone was gone... I left too.
I opened the door to my room. The hum of my computer greeted me, the screen still aglow. I shut it down without much thought, then gently set my book aside.
Crossing to the mini-fridge nestled in the corner of my room, I opened it and took a small, cold box of medication. The label read: Escitalopram. An antidepressant prescribed by my psychiatrist.
I opened the box and tipped the contents into my palm—seven capsules remained. Seven. Just enough to end it all.
I sat on the edge of my bed, plugged in my headphones, and started the same song I had been looping for days. The melody filled the silence like a blanket, wrapping around the coldness that had taken root inside of me.
The capsules sat before me, lined up on the blanket like a final offering. My gaze didn't move.
They stared back.
Cold. Silent. Ready.
Dying would make things easier for Victor, I thought. He doesn't have to keep caring for me. He doesn't have to carry this weight.
Dying would free Noorliet too. She's wrapped her whole life around mine. She doesn't make new friends because she's always checking on me, always watching me.
Dying would stop the shaking. Stop the thoughts. The tightness in my chest, the nights I couldn't sleep, the days I couldn't speak.
The dead don't get anxious.
The dead don't get sad.
Two hours passed. I hadn't moved. The song had looped thirty-six times. And still, I stared at the pills.
Why haven't I taken them yet?
Why am I hesitating?
What am I waiting for?
And then—without warning—my mind played back a memory. Not from long ago.
"See you tomorrow, Alyssa!"
Sophia's voice.
So bright. So sincere.
I removed my headphones.
I reached for the pills. Not to take them.
To put them back in the box.
One by one, I returned them, sealing the box shut. Then I set it aside.
I laid down on my pillow, exhaling softly, eyes still open.
And in a whisper, to no one but myself, and without a single stutter, I said:
" She'd be a liar if I killed myself—she wouldn't see me tomorrow."