In search of answers
My body feels heavy, as if every muscle is anchored to the ground, as if gravity itself has intensified its tyranny over me. Each step is a struggle, a battle against the invisible force that pulls me down. And my soul... my soul feels trapped, imprisoned within the confines of a dark prison to which it belongs.
I must chain it, for I do not need its feelings right now.
Long ago, I made a promise to myself, I swore not to fall, not to succumb to the abyss of despair no matter what happened. It was the day I lost my mother, when I escaped from the painful reality that surrounded me.
That promise became my anchor, my lifeline in the midst of the storm.
I promised myself that I would not shed tears, that I would continue on for the sake of those I love, for those who need my strength. Back then, I believed myself to be a hero, a savior destined to change the world and alleviate the suffering of all.
But now, my heart lies shattered, my spirit adrift in a sea of desolation.
"Is the sin of my existence so terrible?" the past lies immutable, unalterable, regardless of my present actions. The echoes of fate resound incessantly, advancing and fading like shadows in the night.
And now, I am forced to embrace a side of myself that I had forgotten, to become a monster. I must be someone who does not feel, I must transform into the person I swore never to become again.
Mother, father, if you are watching from somewhere, please... "Stop looking," I whisper, acknowledging that I must now plan everything.
I open my eyes, finding myself beneath the unfamiliar ceiling of a solitary, slightly dusty room. Silence reigns, broken only by the gentle breathing of the two women resting beside me.
My appearance has changed, my clothes have been replaced by a white, sterile gown. On the bedside table lies a change of military clothing.
I turn my head, and upon seeing her, I feel my heart sink. Emilia sleeps, her face reflecting fatigue and worry, while she holds my hand tenderly, unaware of the whirlwind of emotions consuming me.
She must have worked hard, I don't know how long I've been unconscious, but seeing that she hasn't changed clothes, I suppose not much.
It's likely that Emilia hasn't felt the change in me, that her mind cannot comprehend what is happening.
I know he must have realized it when he didn't feel Beatrice's mana. Just like maybe she felt that in me.
Beatrice's odo has fully merged with mine, now her pure mana flows through my veins, a subtly different yet palpable power. I can still recognize it, despite being in my body, I feel like something dwells within me.
Evil and light struggle to take control.
A shiver runs down my spine as I face the reality of my new existence. Now, I must embrace the darkness within me, I must become the monster I need to be to survive.
A voice, rough and laden with pain, rises in my mind, whispering words that cut like sharp blades. "What have you done, what have you lost to reach this point?"
My hand tightens around Emilia's, seeking comfort in her presence.
"I don't know," I murmur to myself, unable to face the truth looming over me. But I know I can't go back, that I must move forward, even if it means losing myself in the process.
I feel like my senses are heightened in a way I've never experienced before. I can see and hear things with an almost supernatural clarity.
"Beatrice..."
I can still hear her; I can still feel her. I can't believe I have to go through this again, that I have to lose those I care about. My hands cling to the necklace between them, the crystal containing a purplish mist.
I hold it carefully, feeling its weight in my palms, laden with miasma, a dark energy emanating from within.
Beatrice has entered this crystal, or at least that's what I want to believe. I don't know what will happen, after all, it's something new to me. I use my mana to try to force a connection with her, but my efforts are in vain.
I imbue and imbue, once, twice, three times, four times, but I receive nothing in return.
I bite my lips hard, trying to contain the torrent of emotions threatening to overflow. I struggle to keep everything inside me, although I feel my body tense up, my soul seemingly on the brink of breaking.
I grip the sheets tightly, trying to contain the pain that overwhelms me. I've always been able to forget, to pretend that nothing is happening.
So... why does it hurt so much?
What is this feeling that consumes me?
The death of my parents, the loss of the rest of my family, I could bear it despite loving them all. So why this pain, this sensation of being dead? Why this urge to believe that it's all a dream, that it's simply false? I've only been with her for less than a year, but I feel like a part of myself has been ripped away.
So... why do I feel like giving up?
No... I must become a monster. Yes, I must do it to protect myself, and to protect those I care about.
I rise from the bed with determination, observing that my body is in good shape despite everything. The miasma surrounds me, I can feel it now, as well as I perceive the mana flowing around me.
I perceive the icy mana in Emilia, the calm mana in Crusch, as if I could touch it in the air, as if it were a tangible presence surrounding their bodies.
"It's likely to have something to do with Beatrice's Odo." I look at Emilia, who looks unkempt, with blood and mud stains on her clothes. It seems she fell asleep after healing us. Still, it's strange that they haven't changed her, she's quite disheveled.
I find a bucket with clean water and a towel, determined to clean her up a bit without waking her abruptly. With extreme caution, I take off her jacket, which is the dirtiest part, and lay her down on the bed gently, leaving her with just a shirt.
The fact that she doesn't wake up indicates the deep fatigue weighing on her. I clean her arms and face carefully, observing the cuts on her jacket that tell me she had to fight too. I remove her boots carefully and cover her with the blanket, hoping she can rest peacefully.
"She's a foolish," I murmur to myself as I watch her tenderly, feeling my heart twist with pain. "Truly... At least, she'll be of use this way."
I walk to the door with firm steps, leaving them both to rest.
As I open the door, I come across Ram, who seems to be passing by. She looks at me with some surprise, but I'm not in the mood for games right now.
"Where's Roswaal?" I ask, without intending to engage in conversation. That bastard allowed this to happen. Thanks to him, all this has occurred. Fury boils inside me, wishing to end him once and for all.
"I'll kill him, I'll kill him, I'll kill him, I'll kill him, I'll kill him, I'll kill him, I'll kill him, I'll kill him, I'll kill him, I'll kill him, I'll kill him, I'll kill him." I try to control the rage inside me, but I quickly realize it's a lost cause.
"I'll do it now, as soon as I see him. I'll kill him without a doubt." My words resonate in my mind with relentless determination, fueled by the anger and pain consuming me from within.
"That's a nastier look than usual," Ram's voice snaps me out of my momentary trance, her tone laden with disdain.
Without speaking to her, I hold her gaze with mine, making it clear that I'm not in the mood for stupid games. All the calm I had upon waking up has completely disappeared, replaced by a single desire: revenge.
"Now's not the time for stupid games," I say, without thinking of anything else.
Ram guides me to Roswaal's room. As I advance, I try to recognize the place; however, I fail to remember it at all. I know it's not the mansion or Irlam. In fact, if Roswaal is here and Ram is also here...
I focus my attention on the basket in her hands, a potion, bandages, body creams. Everything seems carefully prepared for the wounded.
"The sanctuary..." I think to myself as I analyze the situation. Ram stops in front of the door, her hand extended to open the entrance. But before doing so, she turns to me with a warning.
"Let me warn you, Marco Luz," her words are heavy with a sensation, a bother reflected in her gaze. "Lord Roswaal is injured, so don't do anything that might hurt him."
"Trying to intimidate me." I say to myself. I guess she's realized my intentions. Her words only confirm the location of this place, which means it's time for Emilia to undergo the trials.
But that's not important now. Roswaal has used weather-changing magic much earlier, and now he's injured.
"Maybe I can kill him without having to fight much." I put my hand on Ram's arm, squeezing tightly as I look her straight in the eyes, my expression hardened by the hatred I feel. Then I say:
"That's not your business."
I release her arm and enter the room. As I do, the scent of medicinal herbs envelops me, while my gaze settles on Roswaal, covered in bandages and with a pained expression on his face. His mana is scarce, but there's something strange about him, a murky mana that seems not to belong to him, as if he's usurping it.
I've never seen mana before, but now I can see a whole new world.
"Could it be the effect of killing generation after generation?" Although his mana seems to be recovering, it's a pleasant sight, one that I could enjoy forever. As I suspected. Maybe I have some chance to kill him.
During the battle, I was able to do it, for the first time, I used the Unseen Hand.
I try to summon a hand, but the effort gives me an extreme migraine that makes me stagger. The pain is unbearable, as if a thousand needles were piercing my mind, but I must endure for the sake of my goals. With each movement, I feel my insides twist in agony. Finally, I manage to bring the invisible hand close to Roswaal's face, making sure he can't see it.
I hide his gaze and raise my thumb with a forced smile, trying to disguise the torment I'm experiencing.
"You lo~~ok good, I suppose Miss Emi~~lia did a good job," says Roswaal, while holding an empty vial in his hand.
At that moment, Ram enters the room, walking up to stand beside Roswaal. She seems worried about him, while I only show an annoyed expression. Both of them should be aware, especially Roswaal.
"Why did you give this to Beatrice?" I point to the collar, while trying to contain the desire to finish him off.
I can't kill him, that's the big problem; even if I wanted to, I can't because his background protects him. It doesn't matter if he's strong or not, the crucial thing is that killing him would make me an enemy of all of Lugunica.
Although, if I kill him and return to ease my heart. Losing a life would be worth it, I guess I could do it.
"Wow, don't get me wro~~ng, that was some~~thing my an~~cestors left behind to protect some~~one's soul," he responds with a smile, as if he's enjoying himself.
I grit my teeth tightly; I don't need to see lies to know it's complete nonsense. But I won't let him deceive me.
"A protection that contains miasma?" I ask, looking at him angrily as I see both of them surprised. I clench my hands, restraining myself from ripping his head off right now. "That's weird, that your family possesses something like that."
Roswaal seems a bit surprised, but quickly smiles again as if he had found the answer to a riddle.
Repulsive.
"It seems you can see more now, I guess that's why the spirit's odo was necessary." Roswaal takes out a book from the back of his pillow.
A white book, as big as an encyclopedia. He opens it and starts flipping through it, while seeming to become more and more cheerful. Ram is the only one who seems not to understand, but that's not important now.
"Right now, I could kill you if I wanted to, I could kill you without moving a single arm." I smile, extending my arms and placing the Unseen Hand near his neck.
I expel my mana with overwhelming force, causing Ram to step back several steps, her surprised expression palpable. I stop smiling, feeling the anger building up inside me, like a beast ready to come out and devour.
I spit on the floor and take a deep breath, trying to contain the storm burning in my chest.
If he can't see what's happening, if he can't avoid it, then I could kill him without having to exert much effort.
"And would that bring back your beloved spirit? Don't you need my wisdom?" His voice is mocking, which only fuels my fury even more.
I feel my teeth grinding as I press my hands, containing all the rage that threatens to overflow. I stride toward him with firm steps, exerting pressure with my mana to distract him from the Unseen Hand slipping out of my body like a lethal shadow.
At the moment I'm about to reach him, Ram gets in the way, her look serious and determined. However, I won't stop for anything or anyone.
"MOVE!" With four hidden arms, I grab her by her limbs and slam her forcefully against the wall, stopping her movements and creating a crater with brutality.
The pain in my head intensifies to the point where I feel like my mind is clouding, but I won't let that stop me.
"Fura!" Ram creates several wind blades to free herself, but I don't give her a chance. As she's falling to the ground, I use another arm to strike directly at her solar plexus. I feel the impact of my fist against her body, but I don't stop.
I gather momentum as she stops due to shock and, with a hook, I'm about to punch her in the face.
"Stop!" exclaims Roswaal, trying to get up, but I ignore his voice.
I give him a defiant look, smiling as I realize he was worried for a moment. Ram watches me between surprised and furious, but I no longer care about her reaction.
"You... What did you do?" she asks, her voice full of disbelief and anger.
"As I said before, that's none of your business," I reply coldly, turning my back as I walk toward Roswaal. Although I still need to control him more, I know that no obstacle will be able to stop me on my path to vengeance.
Ram tries to attack me again, but I grab her leg and with another Unseen Hand, I press her shoulder, making her fall to the ground with a loud crash.
Clearly, neither of us wants to kill; I also have no intention of killing her. But if I wanted to, I could have done it easily. After all, dodging something you can't see, in an environment that doesn't facilitate it, is practically impossible.
How could she do it?
She reaches out her hand to cast a spell, but I'm already next to the bastard.
"Use your magic, come on, hurt your beloved kidnapper," I clench my hands, causing Ram to grimace slightly in pain, which is overshadowed by her anger. "What I want right now is for you to shut your damn mouth; one more thing and you and him will die."
My words flow with the energy of my mana as I glare at Roswaal, feeling the anger burning deep within me.
"What you're about to say had better be thought out," I grip his neck tightly, looking at him with palpable hatred. "Right now, I might be a little annoyed. Without your mana, you only possess physical strength, but I also know how to fight."
That time in the mansion, he had control, but now he's finally at my mercy.
Roswaal's face remains impassive, his defiant smile only provoking me further. Meanwhile, he casually flips through his book of wisdom.
"Why did you use weather magic? Why did you give that to Beatrice?" My voice resonates with a tone full of contained rage as I squeeze harder and harder on his neck.
For once, Roswaal responds without his typical mannerisms, showing an unusual calmness.
"There's nothing you can do right now." His smile fills me with anger; my body and soul yearn to end him in that instant. "It's best for you to find a way out of here. When you do, I'll answer your questions."
Without a second thought, I unleash all my fury in a direct punch to his face. His nose breaks under the impact and blood starts to gush out. Roswaal crashes against the wall behind, but never stops smiling.
"You!" exclaims Ram, moving towards me with a threatening gesture. But Roswaal stops her with a gesture, and I simply calmly wipe my blood-stained hand.
"Roswaal L Mathers, you're garbage, complete garbage." My words are a whisper filled with contempt as I look at Ram, who shoots me a look of deep hatred. "I feel nothing but pity for you."
I leave the room with my gaze lost in emptiness, feeling the weight of desolation crushing my chest. Ram follows closely behind, and suddenly, her hand grips my jacket tightly, pushing me against the wall forcefully.
"Why did you do that?" Her voice, filled with disdain, echoes in the hallway, while I try to keep calm, although inside my rage boils like a volcano about to erupt.
"Do you know what happened to Beatrice?" I ask, seeking an answer in her eyes, but only finding confusion. It seems she's not aware or simply doesn't care.
"Beatrice is dead." I exclaim, and then Ram lets go of my jacket, but her gaze still burns with a mix of disbelief and anger. "Roswaal planned her death."
Surprise momentarily paralyzes Ram, who tries to articulate some words, but I cut her off.
"I don't need your pity, much less your jokes." I turn my back, determined to leave the house before my fury completely overwhelms me. "Right now, even though I consider you a great friend, if you stand in my way I'll have no choice but to take drastic measures."
I clench my fists tightly, struggling to maintain my composure and not say more than necessary.
"If you like a monster like him, a monster who has committed atrocious acts, a monster who doesn't value anyone's life as important. A monster who has been imprisoned for over four hundred years." My words are filled with deep resentment as I give Ram one last look. "Then, I feel nothing but pity for you."
I leave the house and my eyes land on someone I was expecting to see: Garfield. With his fierce appearance and disdainful gaze, he approaches me with determined steps.
"Thank you very much for saving me, especially for rescuing Crusch." My voice sounds calm, but inside I don't know what I'm feeling. Garfield spits on the ground and looks at me disdainfully.
"I only did it 'cause she was with you," he responds, making his disdain for me clear. "You're...?"
"I'm the mayor of Irlam, Marco Luz." I try to calm the situation with a forced smile. "If you're acting like this, it's because you feel something, right?"
Surprise crosses Garfield's face, and his attitude becomes more aggressive as he approaches me.
"How did you figure it out?" His eyes shine with intensity as he tries to reach me, but I stop him with a firm gesture, leaning on my Unseen Hand.
The tension in the air is palpable, but I'm determined to stand my ground, even in the face of someone as formidable as Garfield.
At this moment, holding it feels extremely difficult even with the Unseen Hand.
"I want to avoid a fight with him at all costs."
My head spins, the pain every time I use the Authority of Sloth only increases. Using the Unseen Hand has several side effects; I must find a way to deal with them.
"Your senseless hostility doesn't affect me at all; after all, it's happened to me before, I don't know if you remember Ram's sister." I look at him fearlessly, trying to make him understand that it's something to talk about.
Garfield stares at me for a few seconds. Releasing his grip, he points towards the forest.
"Let's talk alone." Garfield turns his back on me and begins to lead me. He seems ready to attack at any moment; however, I'm surprised he's showing patience for this.
"My brain is trembling."
I think I understand why Petelgeuse said those words every time he used the Unseen Hand. Undoubtedly, my head really hurts horribly right now. I use fire magic to lower the temperature in my hand, placing it on my head to ease the pain.
Garfield takes me to a clearing in the forest. The sunlight bathes me as I observe the tranquility of the place. There's a fallen log that seems like the perfect spot to sit and find peace.
The gentle breeze of the wind, the birds singing. I could enjoy this, if only Beatrice was here.
"How long was I asleep?" My question makes Garfield stop. He turns halfway and looks me in the eyes.
"For two days, the half-devil healed you for a day straight." He looks at me with a somewhat dejected expression, seeming somewhat disappointed with the situation.
He's trying to provoke me, or he's just saying it out of disdain towards Emilia. To be honest, I don't care about that right now.
There's something more important.
"Is he alive? The man I brought with me."
Seeing that I'm not falling for his provocations, Garfield approaches. His steps are heavy and his killing intent seeps through. His mana is slightly red, heavy, and quite dense.
I don't know what he might do, so I summon the Unseen Hand to protect my body.
"You need to tell me first." Garfield opens his hand, his claw-like nails seeking the opportunity to stab me. "Are you from the Witch's Cult?"
I shake my head, taking advantage of the moment to sit down.
"I'm not, I just had bad luck." I show Garfield the collar. "This collar was a gift from Roswaal, I believe you can also feel it... Miasma."
Garfield observes the collar with curiosity, weighing its significance before handing it back to me with a determined gesture.
"I'm infected with miasma, however, I'm not a follower of the Witch's Cult. I'm not obsessed with the Witch of Envy, and, in fact, I've killed one of the Cult's archbishops."
My eyes fix on the object, but my mind flies to a painful memory.
I remember Beatrice's warm embrace, her voice whispering words of encouragement to me in a moment of weakness.
"Betty's Marco is capable of achieving everything, in fact."
But the memory is so overwhelming that a wave of nausea suddenly overwhelms me, forcing me to contain a scream of pain.
"Ugh..." I put my hands to my mouth, avoiding vomiting from the sudden nausea.
Beatrice... Give me strength.
Strength to continue on this path.
"Do you expect me to believe you?" Garfield's question hangs in the air with a veiled threat, as his aura turns crimson red, and he adopts a defensive posture. I remain still, with determination shining in my eyes, my arms ready to act in an instant.
"Rem saw it too. Roswaal knows. I have no reason to lie to you." My voice sounds firm, though inside I'm consumed by pain and anger. "I didn't choose this power. But I'm determined to use it to end the monsters lurking in this world. The world isn't just black and white."
I extend my hands towards Garfield with determination, showing him my palms.
"My hands are bound by this curse. I can't rid myself of it, but I won't let it consume me either. I'm fighting, Garfield. Fighting to control it and use it in our fight against the true evil." I look at him with determination. "I will kill them all; all the cultists, and if possible... I'll kill the Witch of Envy herself."
He tries to say something, but I use my mana to penetrate his defense, my gaze fixed on him, trying to show that I am serious.
Surprise crosses Garfield's face, his eyes reflecting a mixture of disbelief and admiration. He seems about to speak again, but I cut him off with a firm gesture.
"Emilia is going to liberate the sanctuary. During that time, you can watch over me or do as you please. But if you decide to fight, keep in mind that I won't hold back."
The words drop like a challenge in the tense air between us. Garfield momentarily seems intimidated by my determination, but soon his expression hardens, preparing for whatever fate has in store for us.
I'm not stronger than Garfield, nor do I possess his natural talent for combat. But I have something he can't see or understand: my Unseen Hand, a deadly weapon that can change the course of a battle in an instant.
And I'm determined to use it, no matter the cost, to protect what's left of this shattered world.
"I'm not your enemy; in fact, I'd like to be your friend," I tell Garfield with a sincere smile before turning my back to him. I don't want to relive my past right now, and to get information about the future, Emilia's intervention will be necessary.
"Will the half-devil do it?" Garfield mocks, trying to provoke me.
"Well, you might be surprised," I reply, pointing a finger at him in a playful gesture. "Besides, in the Marquis' lands and in mine, racism is prohibited, so keep that in mind, you are just another demihuman like her."
I turn around and start walking back towards the house. I need to head to the sanctuary; the only person who can answer my questions is the one who created Beatrice.
As I emerge from the forest, I encounter her for the first time. She's small, with pink hair and a dress that hides part of her face. Our eyes meet, and I can see surprise reflected in hers.
"I see you've woken up," she says calmly, but the pain in her gaze doesn't escape me.
She must know. About Beatrice...
"I'm sorry," I stammer as I collapse to the ground, and she quickly rushes to help me. She tries to console me, but all I can do is apologize over and over again.
I know she won't remember everything, but I'm sure she remembers Beatrice. And I can't bear the weight of that guilt.
"I couldn't save her, I couldn't protect her," I tell Ryuzu, tears threatening to spill from my eyes. "I'm sorry, it was all my fault, Beatrice..."
Ryuzu looks at me in surprise.
"Beatrice?" she asks, which surprises me.
Don't the copies remember who Beatrice is? I wonder, frowning at the strange amnesia they seem to suffer. Maybe there's something I don't remember, but right now, the fourth book of the arc is at home.
"It doesn't matter, excuse my reaction. I couldn't control myself at the moment," I tell Ryuzu, trying to calm the situation.
It seems I'm still too weak.
"Could you help me find the sanctuary? Roswaal told me I should go," I ask her, hoping she can point me in the right direction.
With that blatant lie, she nods and starts guiding me. The sunlight illuminates her black dress, and her smile conveys calmness and serenity.
"Garfield is quite protective," I comment, trying to ease the tension in the air.
Ryuzu looks at me and returns the smile affectionately.
"Yes, he's our shield," she replies, bowing respectfully. "I haven't introduced myself; my name is Ryuzu Alma."
"Marco Luz, pleasure," I reply, returning the gesture with an equally courteous bow, though inside my mind is still tormented by memories of Beatrice.
Without saying more, we arrive at the sanctuary. It's imposing, resembling a temple, but I know it's actually Echidna's tomb. Its grandeur makes me think that this was always her plan.
"Thank you for bringing me," I thank Ryuzu, noticing her unease.
"What did Roswaal ask you to do?" she asks, visibly surprised by my presence in the sanctuary.
I create two invisible arms and with them, I knock on the ground, flying towards the entrance of the tomb.
"See you later," I wink before venturing into the darkness of the tomb.
Inside, I wait for some reaction, but I pass through without any problems. As I suspected, I have the ability to enter. I don't think it's because of my blood, but rather due to Echidna's interest in me.
Now, I must do whatever it takes to gather information about Beatrice.
Whatever the cost.
I go through the interior of the tomb, where the lighting is scarce, but finally, I spot the entrance to a wide-open space. In front of me stands a large door, and I recall the conditions for entering Echidna's tea party: desiring it deeply.
At this moment, the only way to get answers is by entering the tea party.
"Echidna, I have something interesting to propose to you," I say aloud.
With this, I'll also be able to make Roswaal's plan fail.
Then, as if someone were speaking in my head, I hear:
"Interesting, let me invite you to my dream castle."