"Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."
Ralph Waldo Emerson
After a long bath, I applied my makeup very meticulously and wore a long, floral summer dress that flatters my body without making it look like I was trying too hard.
Getting downstairs, I had my breakfast packed into a small basket and went to my garden with a book, under the guise of having a solo early morning picnic.
But the truth was that I was eager to see Jason again.
I sat out there for over an hour before I considered that he probably wouldn't be at the ranch that day, and proceeded to eat my meal.
The next day, I was also on the lookout for him, but just like the day before, and in the days that followed, he was nowhere to be found.
With a sinking heart, I realised he might have been let go, or maybe he'd decided he wasn't cut out for that kind of menial work.
I was surprised by how upset both possibilities made me, for a man I barely even knew.
Absolutely nothing could come out of any kind friendship with the gardener, of all people.
He was also probably just a teenager. What was I even thinking?
A few weeks passed, and I'd already forgotten about him when he finally resurfaced.
I'd been uprooting weeds from my garden, when I felt a shadow loom over me.
"Let me help you with that," came the velvety voice I'd replayed in my head over and over in weeks past.
I looked up at him from the brim of my hat.
"Nobody touches this place but me. I hope you haven't been doing anything here."
Why that was the first thing I thought to say to him beats me to this day.
"No, not at all," he said, throwing his hands up. "I was told the moment I started working here that this place is off limits. I only offered to help when I saw you struggling with those weeds."
"I'm fine, thank you," I muttered, looking away but not before catching sight of his beautiful dark body, barely contained by the worn singlet he wore.
"Did something happen? Why weren't you at work?" I found myself asking, my curiosity getting the better of me.
He smiled, revealing perfect white teeth. "Yes, something did happen. I went to Atlanta to see an uncle of mine ."
"I hear you are saving to go to university. Was it anything about that?" I asked, looking up at him, trying to prolong our conversation.
He smiled again, obviously pleased by my interest. "Yes. The factory where he works was looking for casual workers, and he thought I could make some good money."
"And did you?"
"I did. Even more than I thought would be possible in three weeks," he answered. "I made more than what I could make here in six months." "So, why did you come back then? Why didn't you just stay there?
"They only needed temporary relief workers," he answered, with a sad shrug. "But my uncle says there will be permanent positions opening soon, and he'll let me know when they do."
"Good," I said, looking away in what I hoped was a dismissal. I had spent too much time chatting with him and didn't want him getting any ideas
Or did I ?
"I've been saving for the past three years since I left high school," he continued, obviously not wanting our conversation to end either.
"Every time I save enough, something happens, and I have to use the money to support my family. Money is not always easy to come by for my parents, and I have younger ones still in school."
I immediately felt empathy for him; empathy and kinship.
I knew too well what it was like to sacrifice for a family.
I was also aware that if he left school as recently as three years before, that put his age at anywhere between 19 and 21.
Too young for me.
"You still need to keep something for yourself," I said to him, meaning it.
"There will always be family issues, and you can easily spend every dime you make supporting them. You need to think of yourself. The money you made in Atlanta, I hope you haven't done anything with it."
He shook his head.
"Good. Keep that. Add that to whatever little you have already. Before long, you would have saved enough."
"Thank you. I'll be sure to do that," he answered, beaming happily.
The next day, I went to the garden with hopes of seeing him there, and this time, I wasn't disappointed.
"Thanks for yesterday's advice," he said when he saw me. "I went to deposit the money in my savings account after we spoke yesterday. From now on, there is a minimum percentage of the money I make that will be deposited there."
l"Do you have a bank account?" I asked, surprised that a local boy like him would have one, while I was still storing my own money in an old cookie pt in my closet. Nobody had ever deemed it fit to open one for me, and I'd never asked either.
"Yes, I opened it a few years ago, the year before I finished school. It hasn't really been active as I hardly have enough to make any deposits, but all that will stop now."
On another occasion, I asked him, "What school are you saving towards, and what do you want to study there?"
"Before I travelled, I would have told you about Tuskegee University, Hampton University, or even Howard University ," he answered. "But I have always wanted to go to Yale or Princeton. I fell in love with it for a long time, and I wouldn't mind going to the university there. There are also several factories apart from the one where my uncle works, so I'm sure I could get part-time work while also running my program. As for what I want to study," he continued, smiling wistfully. "Electrical Engineering."
This prompted a smile from me. "When I was younger, I thought I was also going to study engineering too. Aeronautical Engineering, mind you. I dreamt of one day working in NASA."
"NASA, really?" he exclaimed, and I was impressed that I didn't even have to explain to him what NASA was. "Are there any universities in the country that offer that as a course?"
"The plan was to get a scholarship to study in any university," I answered with a wistful smile of my own. "MIT, to be precise. If anyone had told me I wouldn't be a space engineer, but would instead end up in a politician's house , planting flowers, I wouldn't have believed it."
His smile dimmed. "Forgive me for being forward, but what led to you coming here? What led to you marrying a man old enough to be your grandfather?"
I knew I should have been offended, but instead, I found myself wanting to talk about it. "I guess the same thing that has prevented you from saving for school. Family obligations," I answered, before telling him all about my mother's death.
"I'm so sorry. You've really been through a lot," he said, the sorrow he felt for me in his eyes. "But if your brother eventually died, why didn't you just leave?"
I chuckled and shook my head. "How old are you, jason?"
His eyes flickered, and I could see him wanting to tell a lie, before finally deciding against it. "Twenty," he reluctantly admitted, before quickly adding, "but everyone tells me I'm mature for my age."
"When you're older and wiser,you'll be able to answer for yourself that question you just asked me," was my patronising response.
But back in my bedroom, I couldn't help but ponder over that very question. Yes, I could answer that my inability to find work and my destroyed reputation had been what led me back to America and that I no longer had a home in India, but were they really and truly enough reasons for me to have come back here to this life…this life of nothingness?
Here was a young man like Jason, working towards getting an education and living a more meaningful life one day, and I was content to spend my days eating, reading novels, and being a glorified prop.
The truth was I was wasting away my life.
A woman without so much as a bank account, or even a smart phone which everyone, madam and the other domestic staff included, had… I was nothing but a waste of space.
I didn't go to my garden the next day, and from my window, I saw Jason milling around it, probably hoping to see me.