Yoojin opened his mouth, and a wave crashed into him, filling his lungs with ocean water. He was no longer holding onto Sung Hyunjae, but alone in the middle of the dark ocean. The only light came from cracks of lightning in the sky.
The surrounding storm whipped the waves as high as mountains, then crashed down on top of him. He sank into the cold water, fighting but not knowing what direction to go. His breath rushed from his lungs. He was really drowning.
He fought the current with everything he had and breached the surface. He didn't get a full breath before more water filled his mouth. The cold bit down on him, the shivering tremors constricting his muscles. The freezing water made it harder to move. His fingers and toes ached, and he was sinking.
This wasn't real. He told himself. This wasn't real. He was in Sung Hyunjae's office. He was with Sung Hyunjae. He thought that over and over, but it didn't make a difference. He was drowning. Each crashing wave was harder to fight, and he was so tired and cold.
This wasn't real. Was this Sung Hyunjae's subconscious? Was he always like this? Yoojin had known the mob boss was dangerous and powerful, but was he also this dark, isolated, and cold? Sung Hyunjae's powers stretched out to the endless sea and threatened to drown him.
But if this was Sung Hyunjae, then he was just an esper, and Yoojin was still his guide. He slapped his hands on top of the water to say afloat and shoved his guiding power out.
A sharp pain stabbed his head. He never guided without direction. He had only ever guided into people. Sung Hyunjae's powers crash and suffocated him. There was no way his low rate of guiding could do anything to soothe this massive storm. He closed his eyes against the large flash of lightning and thunder that exploded near him.
This wasn't real
This was Sung Hyunjae.
He was guiding Sung Hyunjae.
The pain only worsened and turned to nails scraping across his head. He had to get his powers under control. He wasn't just shooting into the void; he was guiding Sung Hyunjae. Yoojin told himself again and again.
He took all the darkness and pain. He wanted to see Sung Hyunjae smile again, even if that meant wading through this ocean. Yoojin wanted him to break out of this rampage so he could scold him about ruining his recently reconstructed office. He wanted Sung Hyunjae safe.
He threw out his powers and took a shuddering breath. There was an explosion of pain in his head, but he continued to push. He fought against the waves as they dragged him down and screamed in frustration at how much stupid power Sung Hyunjae contained. His head hurt. He couldn't breathe, couldn't see, couldn't think straight, but he knew he couldn't stop.
Then everything felt calm. He still wasn't out of Sung Hyunjae, but it was easier to breathe. He looked up at the sky. The storm settled and all around him were thick gray clouds.
"…jin…" He heard faintly.
Arctic wind whipped against him, and water dripped down his hair. He lied on his back on a small beach, confused how he got here. The grainy sand dug into his skin. Yoojin looked at the ocean and saw the storm in the distance, like the wind had moved it off course. Chaotic waves beat at the shore and washed over his legs.
"…ojin…!"
The beach felt familiar to him. Like he had seen it before. He had dreamed about it last night, but it had been sunny and relaxing. Yoojin didn't want to think too deeply into that.
His head still throbbed, his guiding powers wouldn't stop, and he felt a different weight threatening to crush him. Something worse than a deficit. The powers continued to build and build while he knew he had nothing left.
The waters were still dark, and the lightning flickered through the thick clouds. The wind pierced through Yoojin's wet clothes and left him shivering. His vision faded.
The ocean was so big, Yoojin couldn't see anything besides the never-ending sea. Alone, hurt, and concerned. Yoojin felt it all. Isolated, helplessness, and rejection.
The next wave came up to his waist and nearly pulled him into the water. His fingers raked in the sand as an anchor, but he was almost too tired to fight it. He was so drained, and the water no longer felt cold. It felt inviting, like a gentle blanket.
He let go of the sand when the next wave washed up to his chest.
"Yoojin!"
He opened his eyes. His real eyes. Back in the destroyed office filled with burning furniture and crumbling walls. Blood dripped down the corner of his mouth. He blinked several times, but his vision never cleared. He struggled to make out the face in front of him, only aware of the faint gold eyes.
One of his fingers had hooked on Sung Hyunjae's collar and that was the only spot their skin still touched. His other hand had fallen to his side. Even through dizziness, and his pounding head, he could feel broken bones and the large welt from his wrist to elbow. He knew he would have more bruises and wasn't surprised at the deficit he felt.
Sung Hyunjae removed his hand from his collar. Yoojin suppressed a whine. It felt like something was broken there too.
Sung Hyunjae touched Yoojin's face and wiped the blood from his mouth. Yoojin couldn't keep his eyes open anymore or make out what he was saying.
He was just glad Sung Hyunjae was safe.
No One Was Hurt
Yoojin woke up several times while in the hospital, but couldn't stay awake long enough to say anything. He dreamed of the ocean a lot. The first time he woke, he noticed Peace nestled on his side, resting his head on Yoojin's chest. So cute.
He wasn't sure how much time had passed, but the next time he woke up to the sounds of Yerim and Kang Soyoung talking. He wondered if they were getting along. It would be good for Yerim to have a strong female role model.
This time, Yoo Myeongwoo was talking to someone next to Yoojin. Maybe that was Noah? It kind of looked like Kim Sunghan was there too. Surely not. Yoojin couldn't imagine what he would be doing here.
But wasn't Yoo Myeongwoo supposed to be in the hospital for three more days? He should still be recovering from his awakening. How long had Yoojin been sleeping?
It made him think about the time when he was younger, and he lost a job because of a deficit that made him pass out for a few days. The only thing worse than waking up to find out you lost your job was realizing he had run out of food and money. It's been a while since he had a deficit that bad.
He wanted to say something to Yoo Myeongwoo and Noah but fell back asleep.
When he woke up this time, he could feel the backlash of the deficit. He squinted and looked around. Pain meds made him dizzy. He noticed a lot of casts and bandages.
"Hyung!" Yoohyun rushed to his side. "Hyung, are you awake? Can you speak?"
"… Yoohy…" Yoojin tried to say. It wasn't a dream. His brother had come to see him. "…what happened?"
Yoohyun frowned and took his brother's hand, but Yoojin tensed and tried to pull away. His brother had said he used negative guiding on him when he was in deficits. What if he drained his brother's powers again?
"Yoohyun." His voice was unnaturally rough. Yoojin tried to stop his brother, but he didn't listen.
"It's okay. It's okay. You can't hurt me. I'm S-Rank."
Yoojin rested back on the pillow. Foolish S-Ranks. Did they all think they were invincible?
"Hyung? Do you remember what happened?"
What happened? Yoojin thought about the last thing he remembered. The Jupiter espers had rampaged. He closed his eyes to avoid the harsh light. "What happened to Jupiter? Did the guides make it out? Is Sung Hyunjae okay? The building…"
There wasn't an answer, so Yoojin had to open his eyes and turn to his brother.
His brother's eyes dimmed and his expression turned grim. "The guides are fine. Everyone's fine."
Yoojin couldn't understand why he seemed upset. Wasn't he just happy he woke up? Shouldn't they celebrate that no one was hurt?
"What else happened?"
"Hyung…you should rest. You don't have to worry about everyone else."
Yoojin shook his head, but he was tired. He was so close to drifting back to sleep. "I'm fine. Just tell me what happened."
His brother sighed. "Someone attacked Jupiter. Boss Hyunjae said it was…"
Yoojin squinted his eyes to focus on his brother. It seemed like Yoohyun was done talking. He tried to get his brother to tell him more, but Yoohyun just told him to sleep.
Yoojin thought back. His memories were fuzzy. He remembered running into the office...Did he dream of seeing a long-lost twin? He remembered the floor slanting and him almost sliding out of the building. His jumbled thoughts made little sense.
Yoohyun stroked Yoojin's forehead, and he looked back at his little brother.
"Just rest now. You look tired."
Yoojin looked down at their hands. "Don't touch me when I'm asleep."
"I don't care if you use negative guiding on me."
"I do. If you want hugs, come to me when I'm awake."
Yoohyun gently placed Yoojin's hand back by his side and waited next to him until he fell asleep.
You Were Hurt
Yoohyun waited by his brother's side until he fell back asleep. He hadn't woken up in four days. It reminded him too much of his childhood, waiting with uncertainty for his hyung to wake up. Unsure if he was okay or not.
Yoohyun reached out and touched his brother's hand.
Nothing happened for a few seconds, then his hand felt cold. Like his hyung absorbed the warmth from him. The feeling quickly spread through Yoohyun's arm and into his chest and neck, reaching for his vitals.
Yoohyun pulled back. Huh. His brother seemed to improve. He flexed his hand until the feeling returned. Yoohyun looked closer at Yoojin. He had always hoped that negative guiding would help his brother, but his breathing was still just as labored and his complexion didn't improve at all.
If Boss Hyunjae was correct and this was a defense, maybe he had a means of protecting himself. But Yoohyun didn't like how it drained him. It seemed like a double-edge sword.
He wished there was some way he could help, but guiding deficits seem to only recover with time. He moved back to the chair and watched over his brother.
Yoohyun couldn't believe his brother hadn't asked about his own condition once. Injuries, burns, broken bones, and a dangerous deficit. But his first thought was the other guides…and Sung Hyunjae.
The only good thing about that bastard was his private hospital. It had broken some part of Yoohyun to see his brother in a room reserved for him. His hyung could finally see a doctor for his deficits.
After Yoohyun heard what happened, he immediately fought Sung Hyunjae. It took Song Taewon to stop him from destroying a part of the hospital.
Han Yoohyun resisted killing him. The bastard didn't seem capable of protecting his brother, but he had unmatched resources in tracking down the one responsible for everything.
He clenched his hands. What did his hyung see in him? Why were they always so close? Why did he risk his life for him? Yoohyun wanted to drag his brother back home right now. He would be much safer.
He sighed and looked back at his brother.
A guide had done this.
He couldn't believe what Sung Hyunjae had told him. It made no sense. Guides had no additional strengths. No skills. No defenses. They were weaker than a F-rank esper. How was a single guide capable of destroying a building made to withstand an A-rank monster attack?
Han Yoojin, the guide who could stabilize three S-ranks near rampage and kill with negative guiding, shifted in his bed. He groaned in discomfort from his cast. Yoohyun readjusted his brother's position.
He really thought about it, but how much did he know about guides?
Take Me as I Am but Remember I Am Flawed
"I was wondering if you would wake up for me."
Yoojin blinked. He kept having dreams of being stranded in the ocean, so he was unsure if he was really seeing Sung Hyunjae or not.
"Hyunjae?" He reached up to touch him, but Sung Hyunjae took Yoojin's hand in his. He frowned. Sung Hyunjae wore gloves.
"Have you missed me?" Sung Hyunjae asked, wrapping his fingers through Yoojin's. It felt weird with the gloves.
"How could I miss you? I've been sleeping."
"Does that mean you dreamed about me?"
"You're assuming that you stay on my mind a lot." Yoojin cringed, but he had been worried. Sung Hyunjae had just rampaged. Was he okay? Did he still feel power surges? Espers stop healing when their powers were too backed up, and Yoojin knew Sung Hyunjae wouldn't use other guides.
He smiled. "Yoojin-ssi is always on my mind." He closed his eyes and rested his head on their joined hands. "I'm glad you woke up."
Yoojin reached for him while his eyes were closed, but he caught his other hand. His guiding powers couldn't reach through the thick gloves.
"What's with the gloves?" Yoojin asked.
"Do you like them? They're made from monster material. I can have a pair made for you."
Maybe they helped him with recovery? Were they hiding an injury? It would look bad if the S-rank mob boss showed signs of slow healing. There might be another assassination attempt if other mob bosses thought he was weak.
Sung Hyunjae continued to hold Yoojin's hand and sat on the bed. "Yoojin-ssi, you look tired. You should sleep."
"I don't want to sleep anymore."
Sung Hyunjae held Yoojin's hand to his chest. "I know. You must feel very restless. When you wake up, I will take you somewhere nice."
Yoojin took a deep breath, feeling like he could fall asleep while listening to Sung Hyunjae. "Are you stabilized?"
Sung Hyunjae sighed. "As much as stabilizers can manage."
Closing his eyes for a moment, Yoojin's voice grew deep. "… there was someone in your office…a guide that looked like me?"
"Yes."
"What happened?"
"Sleep, and I'll answer your questions when you wake."
"If you tell me, I'll sleep well."
Sung Hyunjae hesitated, then told Yoojin. Jupiter was destroyed, but everyone made it out. The person responsible was a guide named Mary. The twin wasn't a dream. A guide for a member of the Transcendent family. She had told Sung Hyunjae she had a unique skill. It was like a guiding bust. It caused the powers of all the espers to spike, sending them into a rampage. But how could she do that without touching them? No wonder she was in a deficit when Yoojin saw her.
"Yoojin-ssi, why aren't you mad at me?"
Yoojin pried his eyes open. He was so close to falling back asleep. "I am mad," Yoojin corrected. "What took you so long to see me?"
Sung Hyunjae smiled softly. "I tried. I missed the times you were awake."
"... I'm awake… now." Yoojin drifted back to sleep.
Sung Hyunjae was there when Yoojin woke up. The deficit had faded and his head no longer hurt. While he was asleep, the cast and bandages had been removed. A dozen nearly healed bruises marked his skin. Maybe it was a good thing he slept for as long as he did.
Yoojin wanted to get out of bed, but the doctor issued more bed rest for him. Bed rest? How much more could he sleep? It's been six days!
Yoojin rolled his eyes while Sung Hyunjae asked more questions. It was just a deficit. It wasn't like Yoojin had been through an invasive surgery. How many questions could he have?
Yoojin glanced at Sung Hyunjae, and his brow creased. He was still wearing the gloves.
The doctor gave Yoojin a long list of instructions to follow and some medicine. It felt like over kill to stay in a private hospital room to sleep.
Yoojin thanked the doctor as he left and turned to Sung Hyunjae. "Isn't this your hospital? Can't you just tell them to let me leave?"
"Who do you think told them to keep you?"
Yoojin scowled. "You're the reason I'm stuck here? The deficit passed."
"Yoojin-ssi." There was something in his voice Yoojin couldn't place.
Yoojin couldn't gauge Sung Hyunjae's power levels without touching him. And every time Yoojin tried, Sung Hyunjae would stop him with his gloved hands.
Yoojin looked at the gloves nervously. "Are you worried about negative guiding? I'm out of the deficit. I don't think there is a need for precautions."
"I believe you're right."
Then why was he wearing the gloves?
Frowning, Yoojin asked. "Are your powers stabilized?" He sat up. "Can you come closer, so I can check?"
Something crossed Sung Hyunjae's eyes. "Yoojin."
"I'm out of the deficit. Checking your powers doesn't use a lot of energy. You don't have to worry about negative guiding."
Sung Hyunjae's expression hardened. Yoojin reached for him, but he caught his arm again. Those damn gloves…
"Wait! Are you wearing those so I can't guide you?"
Sung Hyunjae sighed and sat down next to Yoojin, not releasing his hand. "Yoojin, I don't want you guiding me."
"What? Why?" Yoojin's heart squeezed and he stared at him with wide eyes. How could he say that? Sung Hyunjae brushed Yoojin's hair back.
"I feel unwell."
"That's because your powers are unstable," Yoojin snapped, the panic continuing to swell inside him. If Sung Hyunjae no longer wanted Yoojin guiding him…was it over between them?
"I have dealt with these feelings most of my life and it's nothing new. However, I nearly killed my guide and his first reaction was to stabilize me. How do you think I would feel?"
Yoojin turned away, but Sung Hyunjae forced him back.
"…I…" Yoojin swallowed, licking his dry lips. His eyes started to sting and he had to rapidly blink to stop it. "You were in a rampage. An S-rank rampage could kill thousands before anyone can get to them."
"There are shelters in Jupiter's basement. It's the first step during a rampage alert or monster attack."
Yoojin shook his head, needing to defend himself. "All the espers were rampaging. Not just one or two. There was no way to get everyone to safety."
"I'm not asking for everyone. I'm asking for you."
The cold words startled Yoojin. Did he just want his people to die? Not just guides and unawakened, but did he not care about Kang Soyoung or the other espers? And Yerim was so inexperienced there was no way she could protect herself.
"How can you say that so callously? You're their boss. They look up to you for protection. The entire nation relies on you."
"The one person in this world I wanted to protect almost died in my arms. I don't care how calloused it sounds."
Yoojin push Sung Hyunjae's arm off of him but he didn't let go.
"That's horrible. I'm not dead and no one was actually hurt during the attack, so why are you like this?"
He couldn't get Sung Hyunjae's hands off him and those gold eyes burned into him. "You were hurt. Do you know how uncertain the doctors were about you waking up?"
Yoojin glared back. "If I had let you rampage, where would you be now? Do you think another esper could have stopped you without killing you? Even if they could, it would have been after you destroy Jupiter and everyone in the building and how many more?"
"It is not the responsibility of a guide to protect others."
"No, my job is to just guide you!"
There was a heavy silence that followed, and at Sung Hyunjae's startled expression, Yoojin wondered if he had said something wrong.
Sung Hyunjae released the side of his face and knelt on the bed. "Just guide me?"
Yoojin tried to pry his arm free, but the esper's grip was firm and he couldn't move away either. Sung Hyunjae touched Yoojin's chest and pressed him back on the bed.
"Hey!"
Yoojin reached for Sung Hyunjae's neck. If he was going to act like this, then Yoojin could too. But Sung Hyunjae grabbed his other hand and pinned them both against the bed.
Those damn gloves! "What the hell are you doing?" Yoojin struggled against the esper, but Sung Hyunjae knelt over his waist, staring down at him with a gaze that could turn water to stone.
But Yoojin wouldn't back down. He had made a promise to prove himself to Sung Hyunjae. He would protect him and be his perfect guide, but that meant not backing down to the stubborn, stupid esper who didn't care about his own safety.
"You said I wasn't just your guide, but your partner! Are you taking that back when it suits you? Or did you never mean that in the first place?"
His voice lowered. "It is because my reckless partner is so unconcerned with his own health that I am making this decision."
"Who gave you the right to decide for me? Let me go! Your strength isn't funny!"
"Funny? I'm not using any strength to hold you down. You think you can handle a rampaging esper when you can't even stop me like this?"
He met the arrogant esper's eyes. Fuck espers. How stupidly strong they were and how low they thought about guides. Yoojin bit out each word, "But. I. Did."
Sung Hyunjae's dark eyes slowly narrowed. "You did. Now I understand what the young master must have felt all those years ago."
"Don't bring my brother into this," Yoojin hissed, and a new panic shot through him. His brother had abandoned him after Yoojin pulled him out of his rampage and suffered similar injuries. Was Sung Hyunjae bringing up his brother because he was thinking the same?
"Can I not?" Sung Hyunjae asked. "This isn't the first time you've done something like this. Am I supposed to see you as an item and nothing else? Use you until your next deficit over and over?"
The panic only worsened. "It's not my fault you damn espers can't manage your powers. If you really cared, you would have more guides!"
Yoojin hated it the moment he said it. He wished he could take it back or that Sung Hyunjae would refuse it. But the esper's expression was unreadable.
"Well, Yoojin. How many guides do I need? You're my partner, so I'll let you decide. The most I've had at once was five. Is that how many I should hire again or do I need more? I've never had good sync rates with other guides, so will you tell me how much they'll need to touch me as well?"
His words cut through him like knives. Yoojin had been the one to say it, but why didn't Sung Hyunjae protest? It threatened to break something inside him, and he desperately fought to hold it down.
"Get off me," Yoojin snapped. Sung Hyunjae never let Yoojin guide him unless they were intimate. But now he would let other people do it? His chest hurt, and his throat tightened. He didn't want Sung Hyunjae looking at him anymore. "Get off me and get out. I never want to see you again!"
Sung Hyunjae's hands flinched around Yoojin's wrist. "All right." He let Yoojin go. "Anything my guide wants."
He left.
Why did he only listen when it suited himself?
Yoojin's mind screamed as he threw the sheets off and moved to the edge of the bed. He planned to storm out and show all these arrogant espers that he wasn't as fragile as glass and he didn't need any of them.
He took one step and his legs gave out. Not gave out. They had no strength to begin with and he slid to the floor and couldn't get up.
He was shaking now. Rage pushed his heart rate into a racing rhythm and shame fill him. Deep shame. He couldn't even get back into the bed. His fingers dug into this hair, and he swore every curse word he knew.
It wasn't fair. Why did Sung Hyunjae only ever do what he wanted? Why was he such a weak guide? Why did he always end up alone?
Yoojin only had himself to blame, and that only made him more mad at everything. More angry at stupid mob bosses. More hateful toward the guide who broke into Jupiter and did this. And more disgusted at himself for always being a failure.
Tears rolled down his cheeks, and they didn't stop, no matter how hard he buried his face in his hands. How had he failed at being Sung Hyunjae's guide so soon?
Sung Hyunjae didn't come back.
The doctor extended Yoojin's stay for two more days after checking his condition, and the time left Yoojin numb. He smiled while Yoo Myeongwoo and Yerim switched as his bodyguards, but he wanted to be alone.
On the last day, Kang Soyoung came to escort him through the hospital's discharge process. Should he just tell her to leave and call his brother to pick him up? Kang Soyoung was cheerful once she saw Yoojin's improved health and practically skipped while she helped pack his belongings. Her good mood just highlighted how miserable Yoojin felt.
He followed her out to the nurse's station. He couldn't help but stop and stare when he saw Sung Hyunjae waiting behind the doctor. His face was blank, and he didn't even glance at Yoojin.
Yoojin looked away as the doctor explained follow-ups procedures and medicines. Sung Hyunjae didn't acknowledge him. He just stood there like an ass. Was he just going to stand there all day?
Yoojin could be just as stubborn too. He didn't need reckless espers controlling his life, and he definitely didn't need Sung Hyunjae. He…He wouldn't be the first to apologize, but something inside him softened and his eyes stung.
His feet dragged across the floor. Like his body moved on its own. He walked around the doctor and straight into Sung Hyunjae's chest. Practically falling into him. The tall esper's arms wrapped around Yoojin, supporting him, and enveloping him in the familiar scent and warmth.
"I…I'm…"
I'm sorry.
"… I… w-was…"
I was so scared when I saw you rampaging.
"I don't…"
I don't want to lose you.
"P-please…"
Please don't leave me.
Sung Hyunjae raised his hand and cradle Yoojin's head to his shoulder. "I know, Yoojin-ssi. I know. I'm not going anywhere."
Yoojin sniffled and hugged Sung Hyunjae as hard as he could.