Have you ever wondered what love truly is?
Not in a philosophical or romantic sense, but as an objectively defined and well-structured concept. After I left the White Room and joined the ANHS in my previous world, I became curious about this concept. I perceived love as a foreign, unfamiliar-something I had been deprived of during my conditioning inside the White Room. It was not an emotion I had experienced, nor was it one I considered necessary. However, my curiosity led me to conduct an experiment.
I began by forming a relationship with Karuizawa Kei. I decided to use her as a textbook, a means to gradually understand the mechanics of romance-normal conversations, playful teasing, the act of holding someone in your embrace, and even physical contact such as holding hands or sharing a kiss. I dissected these interactions, treating them as mere data points to be analyzed. However, in the end, my textbook proved insufficient. No matter how much time I spent around her, no matter how well I played the role of a boyfriend, I felt nothing. There was no emotional reaction, no sense of warmth or attachment. So, I discarded the experiment, concluding that the failure was due to the inadequacy of the tool rather than the method itself.
My next experiment involved ichinose. This case was more complex. Unlike Karuizawa, whose attachment stemmed from dependency, Ichinose's attraction toward me was driven by something far more primal-desire. It was not romance but rather physical attraction, lust in its purest form. She was drawn to me, yet despite the heightened intensity of her emotions, I once again felt nothing. The experiment yielded the same result. At this point, I started to consider the possibility that my conditioning had rendered me incapable of experiencing love or attachment in any form.
However, when I look back, something during my second year now strikes me as suspicious. Horikita Suzune.
I never saw her as an experiment, nor did I have any intention of using her to further my research on love. And yet, during a casual conversation at a café, something unexpected happened. I smiled.
It wasn't a calculated action. It wasn't done with an ulterior motive. It was a spontaneous, instinctive reaction-one that I could not explain. I analyzed the event repeatedly, attempting to discern what could have triggered such an outcome, but I found no logical answer. And, more importantly, it never happened again.
By the end of my second year, I had decided to leave Horikita's class. I concluded my experiment on love, shifting my focus toward a final test-seeing if the other classes could defeat me if I went all out after spending the past two years systematically re-educating them. In the end, I and the remnants of Sakayanagi's class graduated from Class A, while Horikita's dream was shattered, crushed under the weight of my own selfish desire and my failed experiment.
No matter how many times I tried to lose, it simply didn't happen.
Returning to the concept of love, there is an interesting ideal within Orthodox Christianity: the sacrifice of Jesus Christ for humanity, his suffering meant to absolve people of their sins. The theological discussion surrounding this is vast and complex, capable of filling hours of debate, but one key idea stands out-his love for humanity.
This love is intriguing because, despite its supposed boundless nature, he still allowed people to experience pain and suffering. Even more so, it is acknowledged that sin and failure are inevitable aspects of human nature. Yet his love is defined by his willingness to forgive, to endure suffering on behalf of others. In one word, his love can be defined as sacrifice.
And this makes sense.
As the story goes, he was tortured in the most excruciating way possible and still forgave those who wronged him. Now, the authenticity of such events is another discussion entirely. But given that I was reincarnated by a being that could be interpreted as a god, the existence of such figures is not entirely implausible. However, my point is not to convert to Christianity; rather, it is to analyze his definition of love.
If love is defined as the willingness to sacrifice oneself for another, then my inability to experience it is entirely logical.
I was conditioned from birth to win, no matter the cost. Sacrifice was never an option unless it led to absolute victory. To willingly place myself in a position of weakness for the sake of another person is an impossibility. And to be honest, I am fine with that.
For the longest time, I was curious about love, believing it to be some profound, mystical concept beyond my understanding. In reality, it is nothing more than the conscious decision to make oneself vulnerable before another person to prioritize someone else's well-being above one's own.
Karuizawa's affection toward me stemmed from a carefully orchestrated psychological manipulation. I arranged for her to be bullied, ensuring that I was the one to repeatedly save her. Over time, her subconscious mind associated me with safety, reliability, and protection. In her mind, I became someone worth sacrificing for. And if sacrifice without reason equals love. then it is only natural that she developed affection toward me.
Ichinose, on the other hand, was a different case. Her affection was not born from dependency but from her inherently kind nature-the desire to sacrifice for others. But does this mean she loved everyone? No. My careful planning and manipulation made her emotionally vulnerable, leading her to place that same sacrificing trust in me. However, since I was already in a relationship, she struggled with her emotions, suppressing them until she found a different outlet. Instead of expressing love traditionally, she redirected it toward lust a physical means of showcasing her desire to sacrifice.
Perhaps, had I chosen to remain in Horikita's class, I might have viewed her as more than just a tool. But I am certain that, no matter the circumstances, I would not have felt love. No matter what I would have done, the outcome would remain unchanged.
With all of this considered, there is no reason to continue pursuing answers on the subject of love-at least not in my current situation.
People are nothing more than tools. Resources to be used, manipulated, and discarded once they outlive their usefulness. In the end, only results matter. Only victory matters.
I have no interest in morality, nor do I crave the false comfort of companionship. People exist to be utilized, Their strengths must be exploited, their weaknesses manipulated. If a pawn must be sacrificed, I will not hesitate. If one becomes a liability, I will remove them without a second thought.
There is no place for hesitation. No room for unnecessary attachments.
No matter what happens next, I will win.
Author's notes:
A more phylosophical chapter. More action will start soon.