The dwarves' cottage quaked under the thunderous rhythm of "Mine! Mine! Mine! (Dwarf Digging Anthem)", a bass-heavy banger that somehow managed to shake the rafters and attract raccoons from three valleys over. Seven pint-sized miners stomped and spun on the dinner table like enchanted backup dancers in a budget music video, pickaxes flashing beneath the swirling spectrum of magically-enhanced strobe lights.
Snow White kicked the door open with a basket of socks and a scowl. "Why is there a fog machine in the chimney and laser beams in the soup?!"
Doc, wearing a sequined lab coat, flailed dramatically and clamped a hand over her mouth. "Shhh! You'll ruin the buffer rate!"
On the table, Dopey moonwalked directly into a boiling pot of potato stew, emerging dazed but somehow wearing sunglasses. Grumpy glared into a floating crystal orb that pulsed with glowing hearts and digital applause. "This is idiotic. I hate it. I'm the star."
The crystal's smooth voice chimed in with clinical enthusiasm: "3,000 new followers! Hashtag: #DwarvesDoItBetter. Keep dancing!"
Snow blinked. "…Are you all on TikTroll?!"
FLASHBACK: Three Days Ago
It had all started so innocently.
Bashful, while rummaging through Doc's alchemical junk drawer (under the "Expired Potions" section), found a dusty, swirling orb labeled "CrystalScry—Now With Experimental Settings!"
"It's s'posed to show faraway stuff," he mumbled. "But if you shake it twice…"
POOF!
The orb lit up, blasted confetti, and announced:
"Congratulations! You're LIVE! Dance for +5 Gold!"
Grumpy had immediately scowled. "This is a scam."
Then Dopey, unaware of gravity or shame, tripped mid-spin and did an unintentional backflip into a barrel of apples.
DING! The orb spat out five actual gold coins.
"…I withdraw my objection," said Grumpy, adjusting his beard and launching into an aggressively sarcastic moonwalk. He dislocated his shoulder halfway through but still landed a perfect dab.
Present Day:
Snow stared at their "DwarfVibes" profile, agog.
#1 Trend: Grumpy's "Go to Hell" Line Dance Tutorial (Uncensored)
#2 Trend: Sneezy Sneezes Glitter (Gone Viral? Gone Contagious?)
#3 Trend: Bashful's ASMR Whisper Mining: "Gently Tapping Gems With Existential Dread"
"You're famous," Snow deadpanned.
"Obviously," said Grumpy, now inexplicably in a faux-fur coat and LED beard clips. "We're influencers. Respect the drip."
Just then, the orb buzzed with a new alert:
"ROYAL VIEWER DETECTED."
A comment scrolled across the screen:
@EvilQueenOfficial: "PATHETIC. MY CHOREOGRAPHY IS SUPERIOR."
Everyone froze.
"Oh no," whispered Doc. "She's doing the reels."
Meanwhile, deep in the castle throne room-turned-dance-studio…
Queen Evilia, wearing rhinestone-studded robes and knee-high boots, barked at her exhausted attendants. "AGAIN! Play 'Savage (Mirror Version)' from the top! I will master this hip pop!"
Behind her, the magic mirror groaned. "Please, Your Majesty, your pelvis wasn't meant to do that."
Her latest upload stats weren't encouraging:
Title: #RoyaltyCanTwerk (Viewer Discretion Advised)
Views: 12 (all from palace guards, and mostly accidental)
Top Comment: "Ma'am… this is a Wendy's."
The Queen snarled and slipped on her own train, landing with an undignified splat.
"I will destroy those smug little diggers," she hissed, flipping through her spellbook until she found exactly what she needed:
"The Dance Duel Decree: A Legally Binding Magical Competition of Moves."
Back at the cottage, moments later…
A scroll burst through the window in a puff of glitter and poor font choices.
Doc unrolled it, reading aloud:
"YOUR PRESENCE IS REQUESTED (read: COMMANDED) AT THE ROYAL TIKTOK DUEL. PRIZE: THE CROWN'S BLUE CHECKMARK. BRING YOUR A-GAME. AND SNACKS."
Snow rubbed her temples. "This is the dumbest war in fairy tale history."
The Duel, Village Square, High Noon
A crowd gathered. Popcorn vendors popped up. Peasants placed bets. A bard tuned his lute for commentary.
ROUND ONE:
Dwarves: Flawless synchronized pickaxe choreography to "Diggy in the Middle" (Score: 9.5/10)
Queen: Attempted "WAP (Witches and Potions)" while summoning glitter storms. Algorithm banned it for "Hexual Content."
ROUND TWO:
Dwarves: Dopey tripped, spun, and somehow invented a breakdance move called "The Gem Slide." It went instantly viral.
Queen: Summoned backup dancers from the underworld. Crowd disqualified her for summoning actual fire and melting the cotton candy cart.
FINAL ROUND:
Grumpy strutted forward in slow motion, dropped the mic, and sneered:
"Your moves are weak. Your hashtags weaker. And your high kick?"
He pointed just as the Queen's leg seized up mid-dramatic flourish, sending her hurtling into a pigpen.
The pigs were unimpressed.
The orb flashed:
"NEW #1 TRENDING: #PigpenPrincess"
Dwarves: Signed a sponsorship deal with "Pickaxe Potion Energy Drink." Immediately sued after Grumpy started glowing in the dark.
Queen: Rage-quit social media. Returned 48 hours later with a GRWM (Get Revenge With Me) series.
Snow: Became an accidental meme when her reaction face—mid-laundry, mid-sigh—went viral as "Girl Just Wants to Fold Towels."
Later, as peace (and mild tinnitus) returned to the cottage, the crystal orb buzzed one last time:
"@PrinceFlorian has followed you. DM: 'Teach me the pickaxe shuffle? eyes emoji'"
Grumpy screamed, grabbed the orb, and yeeted it into the forest with surprising arm strength.
Somewhere in the distance, a squirrel caught it and immediately started vlogging.