The novel Dokja had been immersing himself in was unceremoniously snatched from his grip just as he finished another chapter, though it ended on a cliffhanger. Looking up he saw the face of the culprit, Han Sooyoung's cat-like face gazing disapprovingly down at where he sat on his bed."Hey!" he shouted, "Give it back!" He reached out his hands in a futile attempt to get it back.
"No," she said, placing the book on a table out of his reach, " Lee Seolhwa specifically said in the letter that you needed to get all the rest you can. Be good and go take a nap already!"
He sighed, "What are you talking about? No one even lets me get up from the bed unless it's to go to the restroom.I've been doing nothing but resting!" but she just rolled her eyes at him and walked towards him.
"Hey, don't think I didn't see you staying up all night to read" she said, grabbing his shoulder and gently guiding him to lie down on the bed. "There, rest your body now. The more you rest the faster everyone will let you off the hook."
But he sat on the bed and insisted, "I'm really fine..."
Sooyoung stared at him with a complicated expression on her face for a moment, then sat down next to him on the bed. She turned to him, her face serious.
"Fine, if you're so stubborn on staying awake then there's been something I've been meaning to ask you. I'm warning you now, it'll be a long talk, so if you wan to sleep this is you're last chance to take it."
He frowned in confusion, unsure why she was being so serious. With his curiosity peaked like that, there was no way he'd be able to go to sleep anyways, "I'm good on sleep, ask me whatever's been on your mind already, you've caught my attention."
"Yoo Joonghyuk, what do you think of him?"
Dokja blinked owlishly at her. "What do you mean by that?"
With an annoyed exhale, she reiterated herself, "Fine, are you in love with him?"
"Huh? Of course I am, he's the only one for me," he said without hesitation, his face blank.
Sooyoung looked at him with a knowing expression, as if she could see through his act. She reached out and grabbed his hands, her voice serious as she asked, "Dokja, I know that you've just been messing around with everyone, do you really think I wouldn't be able to see past you're abysmal acting?" she glared at him with a deadpan stare, looking at him as if he were an idiot before schooling her expression to something more serious," But there are times when you two aren't putting up your show, the way you two act around each other makes you seem more than just partners in crime. So, tell me... did you fall in love, or is it something on the platonic side, what is it?"
He stared at Sooyoung as it she'd grown another head, "Sooyoung, I'm not in love. It's just acting... It's impossible for me to fall in love with... him." Dokja smiled softly at her.
"Then what do you think about him? Don't you want to be by his side?" she asked. Dokja frowned at her and she rolled her eyes in response. "Just answer it," she insisted. Dokja huffed, not sure why exactly she was so eager to make him answer. Nevertheless, he took a moment to carefully word his answer.
"…I would be happy if he finds that happiness with someone he loves," he said, his gaze drifting off as he imagined joonghyuk being happy with someone else. He didn't even have to imagine, Dokja already knew what that reality looked like in The Survival for the Crown. All the personal moments that had been shared between Yoo Joonghyuk and Lee Seolhwa, now flooded his mind. Even if Lee Seolhwa didn't have feelings for Yoo Joonghyuk now, he'd have no problem finding his happiness in someone else.
"Maybe I did have feelings for him at one point, you could even say I was infatuated, but… I don't know anymore, I don't. It's nice being around him, I like our relationship as it is now. Even if I wanted something more, I don't think I'm the one for him," he admitted, looking back at Sooyoung with longing in his eyes.
Dokja could admit that when he was first dropped into this world, what he felt for Yoo Joonghyuk was perhaps a fixation common between a reader and the character they'd spent so much time reading about. Reading how the story's Kim Dokja fought against Joonghyuk for so long and then die after assisting him from the shadows, Dokja would often think things like "if only Yoo Joonghyuk was on his side, everything would be better".
It was mixed with a healthy amount of physical attraction, after all Yoo Joonghyuk was literally made to be an Adonis in this story. Having his beauty described in words could never replicate the effect of seeing him in person. But at some point, Dokja stopped seeing this world as a story, and the people around him as characters. Yoo Joonghyuk the sharacter was replaced by Yoo Joonghyuk the person, a person that he simply wanted to help achieve happiness.
But seeing Joonghyuk as a romantic interest as they were now… no, it was impossible. Even if they now both lived in the same plane of existence, Yoo Joonghyuk would always be someone impossible to reach, much less by someone like himself. Dokja couldn't even hope to have someone like him.
Sooyoung stared at him in silence, unsure of what to feel after hearing his heartfelt confession. She sighed and then asked, "Then... if Joonghyuk is in love with you, what would you do?"
Dokja looked at her like she told a bad joke, "There's no way that Joonghyuk is in love with me..." He smiled as he said that, but it dropped away from his face as he looked down. "There's no way,". Why would Joonghyuk be in love with him? He had nothing to covet, nothing at all of significance compared to Joonghyuk. The only person who had been able to capture his heart was Lee Seolhwa, and she was… almost perfect, in every sense of the word. Beautiful, educated, charismatic, kind-hearted… all qualities that complimented Joonghyuk perfectly. Even If she'd moved on from him, Joonghyuk could easily find someone with those qualities, he deserved to be with someone truly wonderful.
Sooyoung quietly observed him, a concerned expression on her face. "It's impossible... Joonghyuk... Joonghyuk... Won't and will not be in love with me," he muttered. He was just lucky enough to get as close to the prince as he had already, and they were only close because Dokja was helping him take down the queen. If it weren't for them working together, Dokja would've simply faded away from Joonghyuk's sights already, like an extra in a story.
Afterward, Dokja composed himself and looked at her as if nothing had happened. "So, there's the answer to your question... if your satisfied, I'll just go to sleep now" As he was about to lie down, there was a knock on the door, interrupting their conversation.
Both of them turned their attention to the door as the person on the other side spoke, "Young Master...are you awake?"
"Yes, I am, you're free to come in."
The maid immediately opened the door and walked towards him as she bowed and said, "Young master, His Highness, the crown prince is here to see you..."
Both of them looked at each other in surprise, "Speaking of the devil..." Sooyoung said in wonder, while Dokja remained silent before hesitantly standing up to go meet him. But before he could even take a step Sooyoung pushed him back onto the bed, "No, I told you already, you're not going anywhere," she turned to the maid," Bring the prince here, if lover boy wants to see Dokja so much he can walk over here himself." The maid nodded at her, excusing herself to go fetch the prince.
"Sooyou—!"
"Oh hush you," she interrupted him, pointing to the bed, "sit your pretty ass down an talk things out with him yourself. I don't know if you're blind or just denying yourself, but either way I'm not letting you get away with dancing around it anymore! Just… give it a chance alright?" as she concluded, her eyes were glued onto Dokja, silently pleading with him to consider her words.
Dokja, his throat suddenly dry, wasn't able to even respond to her before there was another knock at the door indicating Joonghyuk's arrival. Giving him one last pointed look,Sooyoung exited the room brushing past Joonghyuk, who was standing at the door and surprised to find that another person was in the room. But he stepped aside to let her through all the same before turning his attention back to Dokja.
"…Err, you can go ahead and enter, Joonghyuk" He had no idea why, but for some reason Joonghyuk's eyes were fixed intently on him, not looking away for a second. Not even when he stepped into the room, closing the door behind him. Keeping Sooyoung's words in the back of his head, Dokja greeted the other man with an awkward smile, "I'm surprised that you're here, Joonghyuk~ah,"
"Kim Dokja…" Joonghyuk sighed out, moving to site by his bedside. Unbeknownst to Kim Dokja, Joonghyuk was also distracted by a myriad of questions concerning their relationship with each other, Lee Seolhwa's words in his head. He observed Dokja's face, noticing the long shape of his eyes, the natural redness of his full lips, the softness of his hair that Joonghyuk had an urge to touch. As soon as he set his eyes on Dokja, it felt as if all his problems melted away, like the rest of the world didn't matter anymore.
"Joonghyuk~ah?" Joonghyuk snapped back to reality when Dokja called his name. "Are you okay?" Dokja asked, concerned.
"I... I'm fine... It's just that..." Joonghyuk trailed off, looking down to hide the expression on his face from Dokja.
Meanwhile, Dokja appeared very confused, trying to make sense of Joonghyuk's behavior. He thought maybe he was overwhelmed with his workload and problems within the royal family.Dokja gently placed his hand on Joonghyuk's chin, guiding his gaze to meet his own. "Joonghyuk, don't lie to me...What happened?" he asked with concern, moving his hand to rest softly on the other man's cheek. In response, Joonghyuk's expression turned blank and filled with sadness, causing Dokja to believe that something significant had indeed occurred.
Joonghyuk stared at Dokja for a moment before placing his hand on top of Dokja's own. He closed his eyes and let out a sigh before revealing, "The emperor is forcing Mia to marry the southern king." Dokja's eyes widened in shock as he stared at Joonghyuk, his expression reflecting a mix of surprise and disgust. The idea of the emperor forcing a child to marry an older man filled Dokja with a sense of revulsion.
"Isn't the southern king around 40 or something?" Dokja said, his face contorted with a frown of disgust.
"That's right..."
"Is that bastard sick or something? How much more is he going to make you two suffer..." Dokja exclaimed angrily.He couldn't believe what he was hearing, and although he and Mia may not always get along, he considered her like his own child. There was no way he would allow such a marriage to happen. Dokja stared at Joonghyuk intently and asked, "Then what happened? You won't let your sister marry that old man, right?"
"Of course, I won't let that happen..." Joonghyuk assured, bringing a sigh of relief to Dokja. However, Joonghyuk's next words caused Dokja's heart to skip a beat. "But in exchange... I was given the choice to marry the northern princess..." Both of them locked eyes, and Dokja suddenly felt as if he couldn't breathe. His whole body trembled, and a wave of sadness washed over him. He was at a loss for words, his emotions overwhelming him. In silence, he continued to stare at Joonghyuk, who returned his gaze.
"Oh, is that so..." before removing his hand from Joonghyuk's cheek and looking down. "Then we don't need to act then..." he muttered. Dokja then looked back up at Joonghyuk and said, "I'm not feeling well, I'm sorry, Your Highness. I need to rest now... please take your leave…"
Shaking his head, Joonghyuk quickly reached out to grab his arm, turning Dokja's attention back onto him. "Dokja, listen to me—."
"No, Your Highness, you don't need to explain anything to me. I understand that there would come a day when you wouldn't need me anymore, so... congratulations on your engagement," Dokja said with an empty voice. He gently removed Joonghyuk's hand from his arm before walking away quickly, hoping to avoid any further conversation.
Joonghyuk ran a hand through his hair in frustration, "No, Kim Dokja, you don't understand. I…I rejected the engagement, neither my sister or I are getting married!" Joonghyuk pleaded for him to listen, wanting to clarify the situation. Dokja's head turned sharply to him, a confused look on his face.
"What? Why! That was a direct order from the emperor, wasn't it?! If you don't comply, who knows what he's going to do to you… you have no choice to accept it, Yoo Joonghyuk. For the livelihood of you and your sister, for the empire, for the throne…" Dokja ended bitterly, looking down on his hands again. Joonghyuk took his hands in his own, hoping to get Dokja's attention properly.
"Dokja, please look at me" Joonghyuk implored, "That doesn't matter what happens, I'll be able to handle it. I won't let either of us be forced to go down a path like that. Being forced to give myself over to someone… the only person I want by my side is you, Kim Dokja." Yoo Joonghyuk said resolutely, not taking is eyes off the other man. Dokja's eyes widened as he took in the prince's words, his heart pounding in his chest.
"What… what do you mean by that, Joonghyuk?" Dokja looked away and nervously laughed, his tone self-depreciating as he shot the prince an unlucky smile," Those words… taking such drastic measures just because of me… it almost makes it sound like you love me or something," Dokja looked back at him, his eyes glistening as he tried to pry into what the hell Joonghyuk was thinking, " Do you?" he asked, desperate for his answer.
"…" Joonghyuk opened his mouth, but for some reason the words just wouldn't come out, caught in his throat when he needed to say them the most. How could he put words to a feeling he himself still wasn't to make up for himself?
Interpreting Joonghyuk's silence as denial, he let out a harsh breath, a self-depreciating laugh at his own expense.Dokja let go of the man's hands and gently pushed the man away from him, his face turned away from him,
Joonghyuk not able to see what expression he was making."See Joonghyuk? You can't even tell it to my face… why would you do such a thing for someone you don't even love? Maybe you were just absorbed in the act that we put up, but right now you need to think straight," Dokja's voice was strained, and hint of pain coloring its edges as he continued to talk, "Come on, go back and accept the offer, not just for your sister but for yourself." Dokja's voice broke off at the end, not able to bring himself to say anything else, lest he break down completely.
Joonghyuk was tempted to reach out, but stilled his hand, he felt a heavy weight settle in his heart. Everything had become a mess in just a matter of minutes. He selfishly thought that coming here would help him figure himself out, but he didn't even consider the conflict that he would bring to Dokja. Seeing Dokja, the peace that man brought to him and the devastation that hit his heart when Dokja had shown him his crestfallen face, he'd finally found his answer. But knowing that he was the reason why Dokja was hurting right now, he couldn't bear to bring more suffering to the man. So, he slowly turned back and walked out the room, leaving Dokja to his own thoughts.
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He didn't even look back up when he heard the soft click of his door closing, focused on his own hands and how hard they were clutching the edges of his blanket. All of a sudden, dark spots started appearing on the cloth, and only when the droplets started landing on the back of his hand did Dokja realize he'd started crying. He buried his head in his hands, hiding his face from the world. Why was he crying?
He should be glad that he convinced Joonghyuk to go back. Yoo Mia would be save, and Joonghyuk have to suffer any kind of punishment for his rash decision. No way he'd let the prince suffer over whatever temporary feelings he had for Dokja. Once Joonghyuk beat out the queen and got the throne, Dokja would be discarded to the side and Joonghyuk would have his happy ending. That had always been the plant. But…
"…the only person I want by my side is you, Kim Dokja"
Those words kept on echoing through his head, no matter how hard he tried to block them out. Those were just the ramblings of a confused Joonghyuk, who was caught under the pressure of of saving his sister and maintaining the royal family's needs. The elation he felt, the bit of hope that sparked within him when he heard Joonghyuk say that was nothing but his own selfishness. In spending so much time with the prince, Dokja had allowed himself to want something more from the man, something he had long accepted to be impossible. Sooyoung's words from earlier had cracked through his mind, reaching a neglected piece of hope he had thought he quashed down a long time ago. And for allowing it to come out, he was punished.
As Dokja sat there, his mind filled with memories of them together, the way Joonghyuk looked at him, and the smiles that were reserved only for him, his heart ached. Everything had changed now. He wouldn't see that smile anymore, he couldn't hold Joonghyuk's hands, touch his cheek, or even kiss him.
"Dammit... you bastard, why would you get my hopes up like that," he muttered to himself, his voice choked with emotion. He tried to wipe away his tears, but they only flowed more freely. " No, this is my fault, I told myself I wouldn't fall in love, didn't I?" but only silence followed his words, his room still as Dokja continued to cry to himself.