— Alya's Side —
It's been over a week since that day—since I saw with my own eyes how Gadis and Anya were so close, so comfortable with each other. Just a light conversation, small laughs, and glances that sought each other, yet somehow, my chest felt tight. As if my entire world shifted slightly. Not collapsed, but enough to make me falter.
I've often heard Anya's name mentioned by Davi or Ujo. Even Gadis would talk about her casually. Nothing seemed unusual, at least it shouldn't have. But something changed when I saw them together—as if every closeness I witnessed stole a piece of space between me and Gadis.
That night, I went home with a heart full of questions. I didn't understand why it felt like being left behind. Like losing something I hadn't even fully possessed. I sat silently in the dark, and for the first time, I avoided Gadis's bed.
Usually, when nightmares came, I would immediately crawl to her side. I knew she would let me sleep beside her, calming me without many questions. But in the nights that followed, I held myself back. And every time I tried to fall asleep alone again, my heartbeat felt too loud, too fast—especially when I remembered Gadis's smile at Anya.
I was scared.
Scared that I was starting to feel something I shouldn't. Feelings I couldn't explain, let alone admit.
I tried to deny it. Over and over. Searching for logical reasons for every emotional outburst I suppressed. But my body couldn't be deceived. When Gadis approached, my stomach fluttered. When she looked at me for a long time, my hands trembled. When she laughed with someone else, I felt like leaving.
And that night, when a fever began to take over my body, when everything I'd been holding back poured out with tears, I knew. I knew I loved her. Not the usual kind of love. Not the love between friends who care for each other. But a love that made me afraid of losing, a love that made me want to be the only one.
I cried silently, my body trembling, my head burning. But what burned the most was my own mind.
"What if she knows?"
"What if she finds out and pulls away?"
"What if she hates me? Feels disgusted?"
I felt nauseated thinking about all those possibilities. Gadis wasn't the type to follow her feelings. She was logical, firm, rational. She wouldn't understand, I thought. She might distance herself from me. And that image was enough to make my chest feel like it was being crushed from the inside.
As her footsteps approached, I tried to hide my sobs. But I couldn't. My voice was too faint to pretend to be strong.
"Ya? Are you okay?" her voice was gentle, full of concern. And her touch on my shoulder made everything crumble. I wanted to be honest. But I was too scared.
She touched my forehead. She panicked.
"Oh my, Ya. Your head is burning. We need to see a doctor."
She was about to leave, but I immediately hugged her. I couldn't let her go. I was too weak, too needy. But more than that, I wanted her to stay. Beside me. Even if just for a moment.
"It's okay. I'm fine," my voice was barely audible.
"How can you be fine? Your voice is so faint, Ya…"
But I didn't answer. I just kept hugging her, as if her body was an anchor holding back all the storms within me. She returned my embrace, and in that moment, I felt the safest.
If I had the power, I would want time to stop at that second.
I fell asleep in her arms, even though my body felt like it was burning. But for the first time since that day, I could truly rest.
The next day, I woke up alone. Chicken porridge and paracetamol were neatly arranged on the table. Perhaps Gadis had prepared them. My heart warmed. She still thought of me even though she had to go to class. I touched the residual heat on my cheek. Not too high anymore. But the warmth lingering in my body wasn't from the fever—but from the embrace last night.
Throughout the day, I felt empty. Tired. But amidst that weakness, I felt one thing I could no longer deny.
I loved her.
And this love made me panic. Made me scared.
Not because I was ashamed of loving a woman. But because I was afraid of losing the only home I'd found in Gadis. I was afraid she would close her door if she knew what I truly felt.
Night came again. Gadis returned and immediately checked on me. Her face was full of concern. As if nothing had happened last night. She made me hot chocolate, then fed me slowly.
"I'm troubling you, Dis…" I said softly, trying to hold back the feelings that wanted to spill.
She looked at me. Her eyes were full of gentleness. "It's okay, Ya. Everyone gets sick sometimes."
"But only I, when sick, trouble you…"
She smiled, stroking my hair. "It's okay, sweet sister. This big sister will always be here if you need. Because you're not a burden."
And when she spoke like that, I couldn't hold back my tears. I grabbed her hand, asking her to lie beside me. She complied. As usual.
We looked at each other. Silent. Quiet. But I could feel something growing in the narrow space between us. And I was too scared to admit it.
"Don't ever leave me, Dis. I only have you in this world…"
She hugged me. And in that embrace, I wanted time to stop again.
Because I knew—this love might not survive in the real world.
But for now, at least tonight, let me keep this feeling to myself.
And love her silently.