As l down my last swallow l realise that I've had too much to drink already and if l don't get up soon l may be lost forever. It's three days already but truthfully l feel like it's been forever. I know I've got to hold myself together for I'm meeting Joe's family tomorrow.
The thing about Joe is he has been a drunkard half his life and that's putting into consideration a known fact that he's only been alive for thirty five years. Jonathan started drinking a year before turning eighteen and there is something about the year that he began drinking that uneases me. His family hate him for he was once the family gem yet that changed that same year and he's also never run out of reasons to make them despise him even more. But to me, Joe is the perfect specimen when defining what a friend really is, and his relatives blame me for sponsoring him drink his self to death. In a way, l believe I'm the sole reason Joe started drinking for l think my secrets that only he know of may have become too big to handle especially with the media continually bugging him trying to uncover some dirt on me. Here is a thing about Joe and l, the lawyer and the drunkard, Joe knew all about me, even my darkest secrets yet l knew nothing of anything that bothered him if there was anything more than my secrets that he keep but l assure you taking care of his financial needs had not been a way to bribe him into keeping quiet. My late friend had been secretive to an extent that l had only known he had a son after my return from studying in the US. I had been gone for four years but the boy was aged five when l returned showing the boy had been conceived even before l had left for the US. I know that's an issue that will arise tomorrow with Joe's family for they think I know of the boy's origin, poor Adrian, for Joe had never bothered to tell inform them of the boy's mother. They still have trouble accepting that l also don't know considering l was the closest person to Joe. Some of his brothers even throw accusations that it was l who made Joe turn out the way he became. Sometimes l wonder though if I'm supposed to know about Adrian's mother for in his eyes lie a familiar look that I've seen somewhere, its just that l don't remember where exactly but l wonder if its at school for that's the only place that Joe and l had had mutual friends.
Sometimes l wonder if l had deserved Joe for a friend for he had always been there for me but that wasn't entirely true on my side. Joe had kept secrets and l had always assured myself that maybe it was because he had never wanted to add to the burden I'm made to carry but I don't rule out the possibility that Joe may not have trusted me fully. He had called me the day he had died to his home and he had sounded serious though drunk. I had arrived half an hour later to find Joe, dead, in the sitting room. I had been the first person to see a deceased Jonathan. He had died a man burdened by secrets. He had wanted to confess all to my face but after the call he had realized the magnitude of the task at hand. He wanted it all out and yet he couldn't keep looking me in the eye knowing that he was hiding something. Joe had taken the easy way out. Joe had been the only carrier of the my secret and now that which happened that year in our final year in high school is a thing that only l can remember.
***
To say l know exactly what she had been to me would be a lie. She was like the sister l never had but she was younger than me. Sometimes she would be the friend but we were not very close. At times she acted like my twin but we had our differences. That is why the her significance to me had no title. To her though, l was 'The Listener' for that was how l had been introduced to her. Sometimes l was the person who took it to heart to dry her tears. Why would she be in tears one may ask. Well, just know that with her something was never okay. She was my greatest fan.
Now was l just The Listener? Of course not. I was also The Advisor and sometimes The Poet. In a nutshell, called me David, and David became the moniker. I was not the David who slain tens of thousands or killed Goliath though. It was David the father of Solomon the wise. They deemed me the one whose DNA was engraved in Solomon. They showered me with praises and with praises came my pride. The pride rose along with my fame and being proud as l am, l lived to their expectations.
She came to me with a question. She was the bug and l, the flame. It was my duty to give her light and warmth and in her case she had come to see if l could spot a flaw in the problem that was bothering her. She was deeply in love with a guy, but that l knew for it wasn't the first time she was saying it to me. This time however, she added a new statement to her usual declaration; She was willing to give her all to this guy. It was what she said after all this however that changed everything. She was prepared to give her all but one thing - her honour and her pride. She told this to me and added that as usual, l was the only person she had told of this.
I was he who listened, he who advised and l was he who kept secrets untold. There is something however that people always forgot to mention, David was a man. To them l was just a man living days full of praise he deserved but deep down l knew l was nothing more than a lustful teenage boy not any different from his peers. She came to me like a lamb feeling cold with anticipation that l like the farmer would bring her to warmth. Let's just say wish l had never been David but that's my nature. The best is to say maybe l should have never lived to please for it was the audience who had made me who l had become.
When she had told of her secret, she had expected that like the Christian l am, l would give advice l believed in. I was sitting beside her as always but for the first time, he head rested on my shoulder. It wasn't only the sobs that l could now hear, there was more. She was crying because unlike the other days that she had come, this time she had known what l would say right after the very thought to visit me had come to her.
Cursed be this sunny day for it is the day that led to all that became. This day she met the David no one had ever told her existed and the one whose very existence she had never imagined. I took her into my arms and we turned it into a day that we would remember. I found the flaw she had been yearning for when she had visited me. I still was the father of wisdom for l had given her a solution she had never thought of. I recall whispering in her ear that from then, she had nothing to be afraid to give to her boyfriend, the guy she was in love with. Now she could even be his slave if she desired so for l had chased away her fear. That is how she lost her honour and l like many times before, l had proved to her how my wisdom was still unparalleled, and to me , she was just another victory on the lost list. I never bragged to anyone for l kept my indulgences to myself, sometimes.
I left her there and went elsewhere. I sat down with Jonathan, may God bless his soul, and it was to him that l told of the bug whose wings had been scorched by the flame that had been supposed to provide warmth land light to the bug. I saw her from afar as she came towards where Joe and l were sitting and l thought maybe she was coming to appreciate who l was and the 'advice' l had given her. Of course the session hadn't been for my benefit. She stood before the two of us but it was the look on her face that made me fear her words even before she opened her mouth. She turned and looked me in the eye and said, "Would you marry me?" She kept staring at me with her piercing eyes and l fell on my knees and pled at her with just a look but deep down l had realized my words would never be enough for the truth had been revealed to me then. In answer to my trembling, she just mumbled her question again. Up until now l don't know if her look was threatening or mocking but it was then that Joe begged her to leave and she didn't argue but did as he had asked.
When she had come that day she had been expecting to see The Listener and The Keeper. She had come to see me so she could just say out her thoughts aloud to the one person she knew never judged anyone. On a day she had wanted peace, her heart was pierced. That heart which was pierced, was broken to pieces along with her trust for David, the only person she had ever trusted fully. She was not hurt because she had been robbed of her pride. What pained her was the very fact that David, the father of wisdom, he who was termed mighty, was just another boy full of lust; and yes, that was who l was in high school.
When she had asked if l would marry her, she hadn't been proposing or flirting with me. It was her sound declaration and sort of a threat that she knew who l was. She was implying to the naked me she had just seen of course, she was talking about the teenage boy she had just discovered hidden deep beneath the public figure David, and she was also notifying me that she knew l wasn't the first. Not only that actually, she was acknowledging the fact she had also deduced that to me, she was special, she was just one of them. She had also been highlighting a topic that l always avoided in debates with my friends, " Would you marry a girl who is not a virgin?" I had taken hers and since l had found her with her head held high, would l then label her as wife material or a whore?
So lets rewind to the time her head had come into contact with my shoulder. I think the way King David had felt when he had seen Bathsheba bathing is also how l felt or the way l felt may even be more refined than how he had felt. I felt stimulated for deep in the inner dungeons of the David l was, lived and adolescent boy and here l felt that she had invaded my personal space. I had looked into her eyes and seen pain, innocence and confusion. As tempted as l was, the fact that we were in private didn't do any better and it wasn't just any personal space, it was in my bedroom in my house. Not actually my house but my parents' but considering that l was home alone, the idea wouldn't fade. She came to me and l took her in my arms. She had showed no resistance the time our foreheads had come into contact but I'd be lying if l say there is something l saw but chose to ignore, she hadn't seemed very happy. So the truth in black and white, l forced myself on a girl who had spent all her adolescent life trusting me. I had turned told Jonathan that we had turned it into a day to remember, but l had been been both right and wrong. We had not turned the day, it was I alone who had initiated it. In being right, it was a day that we would both remember.
So after she had left, l knew very well that l had messed up. It got me thinking of all those who had come before her to seek wisdom. There was a long list of innocent people who regarded me as David. Maybe it would have hit differently had she told but she chose to be quiet as if all of it had been just in my imagination. I never found the strength and courage to apologize or just to have a chat with her about all or just to thank her for not ruining my reputation.
Her family moved a week after the day and that was the last l ever saw her, and she had never told a soul about that afternoon. To me, the guilt lived on till it had become the first thing that entered my mind in the morning and it still is. I did not have the guts to seek her myself so it was Joe who volunteered to look for her and arrange a meeting. All l wanted was to ask ask for forgiveness using all the words l could think of, but l found out l could not. It wasn't because l didn't want to but nature refused me the chance. Joe told me that it was said she hadn't lived more than a year from the day we had last seen her. It was believed the driver had been drunk but the driver had argued that she had thrown herself in front of the car. The truth is the driver was found out to have been drunk but for all l know, both things can be true. The moment she had stepped in front of the car, she had been dead already. She driver had hit a living corpse. I visited her grave by night and cried myself out but l knew from then the guilt would never fade. I killed a girl and only Joe knew the big part l had played.
***
It's only now l realise that this secret may have claimed not one, but two lives. Whatever it is that Joe wanted to talk about, l hope Adrian may have picked up a few words. One thing I'm sure Joe's attorney will say is that it is my duty to take Adrian and raise him as l would my own son. I just pray Joe's family won't object for l hate to imagine how they would treat the boy, especially with those innocent eyes. I pitied him enough for having Joe for a father and suppose he gets to live with Joe's brothers.
When the first thought had struck, it had hit hard. All had made sense in a way l had never imagined. Joe had died because of my secret but by a twist that l had not known. All finally made sense and l knew l could finally face off with questions from Joe's family. Seventeen year old Joe would have never impregnated a girl. When Joe had gone off to find HER, she had found the girl dead but a grave hadn't been the only thing he had found. The look in the boy's eyes had always been familiar because l had known the boy's mother. Joe had never thought he should tell for he had always dreamt that l would be able to find out myself. Now that l think of it, l realise Joe had always been trying to tell since forever. He had always asked me to look after the boy should he become incapacitated or deceased. Again, he had always advised Adrian to look up to me as his father figure. Joe was killed by a secret he never found the perfect time to tell. When it had been hiding it from me, Joe hadn't been bothered much about Adrian had started asking questions. It was then that had Joe realized that he was a block separating a father and his son. He had wanted to tell me but when he couldn't he had found another way. He had asked me to raise Adrian so that even if l never found out the truth, at least Adrian and l would have gotten to share quality time together as a family.
I realise I've been sitting in my car for nearly 3 hours. I've got to speed home and sleep so that l can be ready for tomorrow's meeting. I haven't decided if I'll make my discovery known or if l should keep it as it is. Actually who cares, we've lived seventeen years like that and it won't hurt keeping it hidden a little longer. All I've got to make sure is Adrian comes home as Joe wanted.
***
I've written this story Adrian, hoping that you understand the burden I've been carrying since the day you came into my home but l hope you forgive me that even in my death l couldn't give you her name. That's how big a secret it is Son. It still pains me when l think of her and it is your eyes which resemble hers that constantly remind me of the first life l took. She was a good person, your mother. Then there is the man who raised you, Jonathan, he was the man l loved, l cared for, he was my best friend. You constantly remind me of him also with the fact that you carry his surname. He died because of a secret of mine for he wanted us two to be together Son. He had one more thing he asked me to do and as he said in his last letter that his attorney gave me, l also say it, 'Would you please take my surname Son that maybe you may remember me.' Adrian, I'm sorry but its up to you and l hope you do as it pleases you. I'm sorry I'm leaving without a warning but Son l should hope you understand, it's hard to live when you know you've robbed two people of their lives. I hope you live longer, that you love, that you drive with the windows down and let the wind rustle through your hair. From this moment onwards. About me, accept my apology but I've got to go and meet Jonathan. Its already been five years since he left but l miss him already for he was such a good friend
THE END