On the brink of the deep and blissful oblivion brought on by sleep, I tossed and turned on the bed vaguely aware of my own movements. The dream will come, a corner of my mind knew as the subconscious rose to the surface like a giant leviathan from the depths of the ocean carrying with it seven years' worth of guilt.
The sleeping pills that I had taken earlier did not allowed me to control my dreams. They were designed to help you sleep but they also kept me prisoner in the world of my dreams longer.
The guilt tinged with dread kept me lingering at the edge of wakefulness despite the pills. I turned toward the half-opened window and took a deep breath without opening my eyes. The feint scent of the ebbia flowers caressed my senses anchoring me to the present enveloping me into an invisible embrace that smelled like a soft blend of multiple nuances akin to vanilla and peach into which subtle accents of rose and patchouli were intricately woven. I felt the tension drain from my body with each breath, the warmth of the ebbia flower's perfume finally lulling me to sleep.
The dream world started taking shape in front of my eyes. Some people dreamt in black and white I read, not I. The comforting smell of the ebbia flowers was completely gone replaced by a clean and sterile atmosphere.
For seven years now I was working on how to detach myself from these dreams that plagued me. What I had accomplished for now was to create two constructs of myself inside the dreams. One was the present me and the other was the younger me from seven years ago. For a time, in my dreams the older me was a spectator of the past events in which a younger version of me was acting.
For now the dream started as it should and two separate entities were created. One dream construct was the older me who was watching a younger version of myself but I knew from experience that soon my older consciousness will merge with my younger dream-self because each time the younger me became agitated the older me lost control over the dream and it was absorbed into the other. The only thing it took was one deep breath from the younger me for the older dream-self to be become part of her.
The dream was like a movie depicting scenes that happened seven years ago which I both saw and was part of up to a point.
The older version of me watched as the younger version sit on a chair in front of a screen on which the cursor bleeped patiently at the end of an word from the unfinished research paper. I was so familiar with this setting, so bland and unassuming you would never guess it will turn into a nightmare.
My younger self from seven years ago suddenly shifted her gaze towards the door as the buzz from the in-bedded alert system announced the arrival of a visitor.
"Enter." The younger me called turning towards the entrance of the two-rooms cabin that she was sharing with mother on board the science vessel Pinnacle that was currently positioned on an orbit around Ohina. The cold light in the cabin reflecting onto the intricate silvery wiring that encircled her legs.
The door opened letting in a young Zinon. My antlered friend practically stalked inside, his four eyes scanning the room. He should know that the person he chose to visit was currently alone since the AI of the ship that monitored the residents whereabouts could help locate each one of them on the ship as well as mentioning if they were alone or not, if asked.
Judging from the anxiety coming off him he wanted to make certain that there was no one around, either that or he was extremely fascinated by these quarters that were practically identical to his own albeit some personal items scattered here and there.
"Laatuuk, I was about to start working on our project." The younger me told him refereeing to the scientific analysis that was opened on the computer screen.
The project whose topic was the psyclite was due in two weeks. Laatuuk whose father was a metallurgist was responsible with part of the paper that highlighted the chemical and structural proprieties of the metal. I was tasked to research the practical use of the metal and its economic impact on various civilizations that used it. The cross-disciplinary research paper was one of the final projects that we had to present at the end of this semester and our xeno-psycology teacher told us that she will help us publish the paper in one of the scientific publications therefore we had to make sure it respected certain norms and standards.
It made sense for Laatuuk to be stressed about this project, although at the time I was puzzled by his nervous behavior.
As I studied the dream-self of my old friend I felt my consciousness slip towards the younger version of me. In a heartbeat as she breathed in I was pulled inside and I became a passenger in my own imaginary younger self.
For the moment I will act and feel like her, there will be no distinction between us any more. We were both I until my younger self will breath me out of her.
"Forget about that. I need to talk to you in private." The Zinon cut me off confirming to me that he indeed made sure I was alone before coming to see me.
"What is wrong?" I asked tilting my head to the side and focusing on his face trying to avoid looking directly into his eyes without coming off as rude.
It was a real challenge for other species to look a Zinon in the eye. One of the eyes was positioned just above his nose, the second one was slightly above the first and it was in turn flanked by two other eyes, one on either side. Some have nicknamed them "Four-Eye Cyclops" which I thought it was both stupid and unnecessary mean.
"No, before that I want you to swear to all the gods that you worship that you will not breathe a word to anyone about what I am about to ask you." He said with his all four eyes focused on me.
"You do realize that there are a lot of different religions on Earth. We would have to sit here all day if I were to swear on each of them." I told him half jokingly trying to defuse the tension.
As an empath I could sense waves of anxiety ebbing and flowing around him almost following the rhythm of his heart as he stood there his horned head tilted slightly forward as if he was about to spring and tackle an invisible enemy.
"This is no laughing matter, my friend. Please swear to me on everything that is important to you that you will not say a word to anyone of what I am about to ask you, not even to your mother." He added in a tense tone.
"Fine, I do solemnly swear not to say a word to anyone." I conceded narrowing my eyes at him.
"I want you to help me get a pure psyclite sample from Ohina." He said in a resolute tone.
"Laatuuk you cannot be serious! Do you want to steal from the Ohinans? This is dangerous." I told my friend as I stared at him.
"I know that! However, this is the only way I can help my family. My father contract as a metallurgist ends with the current mission. When that happens we will have to move back home to Zonia and if we do that I will not be able to leave anymore..." he finished dejectedly moving away from me and turning to the side.
It was true his people valued tradition and family above everything else. Very few of them abandoned their home planet for extended periods to live among other space-fearing races. Most likely Laatuuk will have to settle down on his own planet with very few prospects of leaving again. After all, Laatuuk's father left Zonia because he was a brilliant metallurgist and Pinnacle needed one for its current scientific mission to Ohina.
"We already use psyclite for various things that are useful in our everyday life. This ship has plating containing psyclite. We come in contact with objects containing this metal everyday. Why do you need a pure psyclite sample Laatuuk?" I asked a bit confused regarding his reasoning.
People from the entire galaxy bought items made from psyclite by the Ohinans. These items ranged from plates used for starships due to the durability of the metal to microcircuits that were used in the making of psionic-visors that could enhance one's innate psionic ability.
As the thought crossed my mind I unconsciously brushed my fingers over the partial exo-sckelleton that enveloped both my legs. It too, was made of psyclite with delicate micro-circuits that came into contact with the skin and helped stimulate the muscles of my legs.
These were all finished products bought at high prices but it was understandable since the resource was so precious. Ohinans were the ones setting the price for the metal that was only found on their world and others who needed it had to pay.
"We buy articles containing psyclite from the Ohinans, yes. We do not make it ourselves." He countered accentuating each word.
He started pacing around my room until he stopped in front of the view-port of my cabin from which you could see the planet in question. He stopped for a moments as if lost in thought or maybe he was trying to find his words then he turned to me and continued.
"Imagine what a scientific breakthrough it will be if someone were to produce the psyclite outside Ohina. I want to help my father to be that man this way he will be famous, recognized by the entire scientific community and we will not be forced to go home. We could settle everywhere. I could go anywhere, continue my studies…" He said in rapid succession, words tumbling from his mouth like an angry torrent.
What he said made sense to a point. If someone managed to create psyclite outside Ohina than entire worlds will not be dependent on their commerce with Ohina and that person will be famous. It will certainly give Laatuuk the opportunity to escape a life mired in tradition on Zonia that he apparently loathed.
"What you say is true to a point Laatuuk but as I said we already use psyclite, we have circuits made of it, starship plating and there were various scientists on various worlds that analyzed it for decades. If there was a way to produce it outside Ohina they would have discovered it by now." I voiced my objection.
"We use products made with psyclite alloys. Each time people start separating the metals forming the alloys the psyclite deteriorates and it looses its properties. The Ohinans never export the pure product. I am sure that if I can bring a pure sample to my father he would be able to find something, he is a genius after all." He said now with pure confidence.
He then turned to me his emotions fluctuating up and down like a tide switching from anxiety to certainty and hope.
"Please help me."
"All right, I'll help..." I said with a sigh. Every one of my friends knew that I founded very hard to say no to requests, even some that seam difficult. Well, this one seemed borderline insane but it involved helping my best friend therefore I could not say no.
"Thank you my friend. I will be eternally grateful. You can ask me anything and I will make anything to make it happen." He said rushing to me and engulfing me into a hug his relief enveloping us like a shroud.
"All right. Do you have a plan?" I asked as he stepped back.
"Yes, but there are some things to discuss and establish. Meet me tomorrow at the xeno-psychology lab and we shall concoct our plan of action, doe." He said giving me a smile that looked more like a grimace that was accentuated by his sharp teeth then he left.
Watching the door closing after my friend I smiled despite myself. Laatook started calling me "doe" since the day I explained to him what a stag was and all my efforts to dissuade him since then were met with a mischievous grin.
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The breath I did not realized that I was holding while my thoughts were in complete disarray escaped from my lips and with it my older consciousness flew my younger body.
The thought of being separated from the the other dream self brought a small sense of relief to my older self who still felt the traces of self incrimination that were ingrained in both of the entities. We were again two separate dream constructs.
<> I berated myself. I should have said no right then and there. Yet I knew that I could not.
This is what both my older self and my younger-self thought at the moment of separation in the dream scape. I knew I could not influence my younger-self in these dreams yet I desperately tried each time the nightmare took hold.
My younger self started pacing around the room trying to think at other alternatives.
My older self knew how she felt. They were few and neither of them appealing. I could talked to my mother about it or even go to Laatuuk's parents but that would mean betraying Laatuuk's trust which at the time I realized could not do. Telling someone else about this meant also robbing Laatuuk's of the future he envisioned for himself. We talked many times about his dream to travel among the stars and discovering new things if he went back to Ziona he most certainly will not be able to that.
Laatuuk came from a society that some would say valued traditions and family ties to an extreme which at its core I believed it was not a bad thing. It was what brought Laatuuk and me together, after all, since he always acted like a big brother for me.
Our friendship started when Laatuuk's family came on board the ship at the request of the Xeno-Scientific Council that was founding the trip to Ohina in order for the scientists from other allied worlds to come into contact with with the Ohinans in a series of live conferences when various scientific topics will be discussed. Laatuuk's father was a genius metallurgist so the Council had put quite a bit of pressure on the Zinon government in order for him to join the other scientists on Pinnacle. Since my mother was a lab-assistant on Pinnacle I was also on the ship when Laatuuk arrived.
My mother decided to file for divorce after my father, in a feat of rage, nearly put her into a hospital. At the age when other children thought their parents were invincible I sow my mother crying and trying to stop the blood coming from a deep cut on her lower lip. The entire traumatic event left me with a deep fear of being abandoned so when I met Laatuuk who sort of adopted me like his little human sister I sort of latched onto him.
Laatuuk was aways there to give me support whenever I started doubting myself. Self-doubt was also a vestige of that incident since for quite some time I thought that my father acted like that because of me. I thought that he was so disappointed in me that it drove him mad. In my head at that time and several years afterwards no one needed a child breaks down and cries each time that she enters a room with multiple people in it. And, what was even worse, a daughter who could not walk properly.
I never talked about my fears with anyone, my mother had been through enough trauma with my father and now she was working double shifts in order to be able to pay for the very expensive psyclite exoskeleton that helped me walk and for my education, as well, so my duty was first and foremost to her. I decided then that I will entomb all my scars deep inside and I will strive always to make my mother happy.
Then Laatuuk came along years later. Somehow he managed to see beyond my facade. At first he told me I was fragile which annoyed me to no end but then he started supporting me each time I started to fret before of an exam or before defending a paper in public. I never told him about my deep demons but nevertheless having someone to encourage me when I faltered seem to push my daemons back to sleep into my subconscious.
Now he need my help in order for his dream not to die. If he went back to Zonia he would have to settle down and create a family. While for other people coming from other cultures this was not so big of an impediment for traveling to other places this was not true for the people of Zonia. The family bond included the ancestors. The majority of Zionans would say that leaving the planet meant abandoning their family even if they were referring to the members that were no longer alive. Laatuuk would have to fight against all that if he returned home with very few chances of success.
"I need to calm down because if my mother will see me like this she will know that something is wrong." The younger version of me told herself as she paced around the cabin.
"No, what you need to do is to stop Laatook, but you will not do that and it will lead to his death." I told my younger dream-self. Of course, she could not hear me. These were not prophetic dreams that suddenly came from the future to warn unsuspecting mortals about imminent danger. This was a tormenting repeat of past events in my dreams. I could do nothing but to relieve them. A fitting punishment given the fact that my silence lead to disaster.
My young self knew what she had to do if she wanted to calm down. She would start drawing. Since I was little I liked sketching. I would take up a pen and I would draw on almost anything, even on walls. It helped me relax. When I grew up my mother encouraged me to focus on other things so as time went by I stopped drawing so much. I did took up my pen to sketch something from time to time when I needed to calm my nerves before exams so my mother gifted my a tablet on my birthday some years back which I used it for drawing form time to time.
The tablet was also made with psyclite. I remembered that each time I touched it, the device seemed to send small vibrations into my fingers as if the metal was alive and it was "happy" to sense me. I mentioned this in passing to a psychologist who brushed it off after giving me a warm but somewhat weird look. Apparently no one seemed to feel something similar at touching the psyclite.
Brought on by the stray thought intruding into the dream-scape the memory regarding my conversation with the psychologist played briefly in front of my older dream-self's eyes overlapping like a picture-in-picture in the dream world. This memory within a memory was scaled down like a holographic 3D projection that I watched from above.
The lady psychologist was a friend of my mother and she insisted that I should visit her so she could help me be more opened towards others and maybe make some friends. My mother was convinced that her friend could help me with my emphatic sensitivity so I gave in and went to some sessions.
I watched the small scene play out my focus shifting inside the dream from the younger me on the Pinnacle to the even younger me in front of the psychologist. The projection had no background, there was no smells, no warmth associated with it, no depth, despite the 3D effect the thought decided to manifest itself with in my dream world. There were present in front of my older dream-self only the two people involved in the event as tiny, ghost versions of themselves. For a brief moment of clarity, I wished that all my nightmares were so clean and surgical. Maybe, then I would not feel so much pain.
Apparently, I was only able to see this way the memories that were not laden with guilt as if the guilt was the one that make my dreams so vivid and detailed.
My older self watched as the third, tiny, see-through version of me excitedly told the psychologist about the brief vibrations that she sensed from the psyclite tablet whenever she touched it. The tiny old lady in my holographic representation said that, maybe, her patient was assigning living attributes to inanimate objects due to the fact that she was too guarded to make friends. She would remind the girl sitting in front of her of the fact that she indeed "elevated" the small AI operated cleaning device at home to the title of "aunt", which was in her opinion an effort to make a family of two with a struggling single mom to appear bigger. Therefore, she said that the same process was applied to the drawing tablet. The holograph-like psychologist said that the buzzing feel that the holographic, tiny me was feeling when touching the psyclite tablet, although comforting, was only in her mind.
How I longed to touch again that old psyclite tablet, to sense it briefly greeting my fingers with an ephemeral buzz that only I could feel. The sad thought made the memory from long ago dissipate in light particles like a malfunctioning hologram. These short-lived intangible fireflies lingered for a brief moment in the air then they integrated themselves back into the dream world as the stray thought died a quiet death in my older dream-self's mind.
My older dream self took a breath of the sterile air from the Pinnacle and my focus returned to the younger life-like version of me following her as she took out the drawing psyclite tablet. I watched her as she briefly caressed the tablet like acknowledging both a very precious gift from her mother and an unlikely inanimate friend that could great her with a sign that only she could feel.
She set on the couch facing the view-port that showed a portion of the planet that we were currently orbiting. She put the tablet down next to her and she stated first to carefully detach the psyclite exoskeleton from her legs pulling carefully at the wires until they were free from their psyclite ports in-bedded into her skin.
All the while she kept her eye closed concentrating on each individual psyclite strand and its coresponding port.
I knew this ritual well, ever since I was eight years old, when my mother managed to buy my first psyclite exoskeleton. It was not always like this, at first it hurt each time she put on or took off the exoskeleton but in time I adapted.
It started with my willingness to control the pain which lead to me trying to find a way to control the way the connection between the exoskeleton and my muscles worked. With no specific instructions at hand I begain by visualizing each psyclite port and each connecting wire and then I slowly started to build small mental connections between them.
The exoskeleton became so familiar to me, like a second skin, and after years of daily use I started to be aware of the flow of nervous impulses the exoskeleton was sending to my muscles. Slowly, I also found that if I concentrated hard enough I could influence these impulses.
My youger-self was slowing the impulses transmuted by the psyclite wires into the muscles, than slowly pushing them towards the prsyclite ports in order to dull the pain.
When she finished she took one part than the other and stored them safely in their box under the desk, her movements precise and practiced although her walking was wobbly and she sometimes used one hand to balance herself by touching in passing various pieces of furniture scattered around the room.
As she set down on the couch again she started massaging her muscles in slow, precise movements circling around the raised psyclite ports that protuberated through the holes in her trousers. She shifted until she found a comfortable position as her leg muscle started to relax than she picked up her psyclite tablet and switched it on. A soft blue glow lit up her face.
From the tablet's speakers, a calm female voice spoke in precise, musical tones.
"Mɔdˈʣi le spɔsˈtɛ̃ ʧakˈku... the wind is gentle today."
It was her Druagnus language lesson - one of the native languages spoken on the Staircase Planet. She had started practicing four weeks ago, determined to learn at least the basics before they arrived in orbit.
"Mɔdˈʣi le' spɔsˈtɛ̃ ʧakˈku," she repeated under her breath, then smiled faintly. "That's pretty."
Everyone around her thought it was a waste of time to try learning a language when most of the people on the known worlds including Ohina used an established constructed auxiliary language purposefully developed for diplomacy and science.
But part of me hoped, maybe, understanding the language would help me understand them, the people who made my psyclite exoskeleton, helped me walk… even indirectly.
The lesson continued to murmur in the background—phrases about weather, greetings, common verbs—while she pulled the stylus from its magnetic groove. She adjusted her position curling her legs under her.
By the time she began sketching, the voice was still murmuring gentle intonations of Druagnus grammar. It became a kind of white noise. A calm ocean in the distance while she poured her focus into the lines forming beneath her fingers.
Some time passed before my younger self found a rhythm for her new artwork though. At first the lines were fast with her frequently gazing out of the view-port then she started slowing down as the main form began taking shape.
I knew well the object of her current fascination, the planet-structure below where I was now, unable to leave as a result of the decision depicted in minute details in my dream.
I looked closely at my younger-self. She finished establishing the main lines and she was checking the proportions against the view outside. After a few moments she tore her gaze from the view-port and with a curved line she added yet another disk to her current drawing depicting the unique celestial body from outside. Then she started adding details depicting the psyclite clamps that connected the disk to huge pylon made from the same metal. On each psyclite disk there was a piece of the planet protected by a smaller force field that helped maintain a certain climate as well as a stable gravity. Each disk had become a deferent biome. Only, they were as big as continents containing pieces of land, seas, people and different flora and fauna living on them and some disks even had oceans.
From the point of view of people coming from mostly rounded planets, Ohina was a marvel. Composed as it was from of seven disks that were positioned in an ascending spiral and held together by a huge pylon made of psyclite it presented a singular view found nowhere in the known space. Some called it the "Staircase Planet" due to its unusual form.
The me from seven years ago was working methodically from the bottom up adding tiny details to the initial sketch and the drawing began taking shape slowly. The metallurgical analysis that she was supposed to be working on for the University was all but forgotten for now the artwork demanding her full attention.
Rising my eyes again to look at the celestial construct so vividly depicted in my dream I caught a glimpse of the Dyson Sphere circling the sun as the science vessel, the Pinnacle, was turning slowly around presenting me and my younger self with yet another angle of the main pylon now outlined by the sun that was shining in the background.
Scientists told us that the main pylon also housed the integrated system that was responsible for controlling the force field that surrounded the planet like a spherical outer glow. The shield regulated the gravity preventing the unusual structure of the planet from collapsing into itself and for this purpose it needed a lot of energy hence the Dyson Sphere.
Looking again at myself as I was six years into the past I knew full well what passed through my mind right in this moment, the thought mirrored in both of us.
<
I turned my attention back to the me who was drawing on a tablet inside a cabin on a spaceship without knowing that she soon will plunge into another stage in her life, a plunge that will leave her shattered and tainted. I watched as she added another line to her drawing before focusing on the details that were still missing in the background that depicted a portion of the Dyson Sphere.
The Dyson Sphere encompassing the star looked to my eyes like someone had in mind the structure of an atom and then that person decided to build the rings according to the paths the the electrons would take while orbiting the nucleus which in this case it was the star itself. The effect, from the artistic point of view, was marvelous as the sunlight was reflected by the surface of the rings and then it went outwards to envelop Ohina in a soft glow.
The young artist had just started adding yet another layer of shadows to her drawing underlining the soft marks depicting one of the Dyson rings the when the door hissed opened and mother walked in. She was still in her white lab-coat and she was carrying a box containing various data modules. She frequently brought home some of the work from the lab.
If I were corporeal I would have gasped as it was I watched her entering the room and she directing a soft smile to the young woman siting on the armchair with the tablet in her lap. Then the dream changed my subconscious mind apparently having no regard weather or not I would have liked to linger a moment longer.
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When the dream vision became clear again I was surprised to find myself still in the cabin watching my mother as I remembered her from six years ago. The other me stood from the couch to greet her. It would appear that my dream lingered still on the same day when I made that decision to go along with Laatook's idea.
A feeling of happiness bloomed inside my spirit as the dream decided to conjure this image I had of her so I kept watch over my mother and the other younger version of me as they reenacted an old memory inside my dream.
"Hello dear, I apologize for being late. I always loose track of time in the lab when there is always so much to do." My mother said in a low tone to the younger me.
"You always work so much, mother. Take it a bit slower, will you." The other me replied in a soft chiding tone.
That was an old dispute between us, one which I was convinced I would never win. The only one who had a modicum bit of success at helping her relax was Tovash. But since he was currently on Earth and my mother was on Pinnacle right now she reverted back to her old habit of working day in and day out.
Tovash was an attaché at the Ugzin Embassy back on Earth. They were not so different from humans with the exception that parts of their skin was covered by tiny crystals that changed colors each time a certain individual experienced strong emotions. He was a very kind and collected individual so normally the crystals on the back of his hands barely had any hue. The only times that I noticed them change colors was when he was around my mother.
"I am alright my dear. In fact I have some good news. You remember that I had applied for the administrative position as the Chief of Xeno-Climatology Department of the Global Research Organization for Advanced Biogenics on Earth a few weeks back, today I received the reply and I was accepted." My mother said with a beaming smile coming to sit next to the other me on the couch.
"I am so glad to hear that mother, congratulations, I knew you could do it." The other me told her while giving her a hug.
"You never doubt me, do you?" she asked hugging my younger version back
"No, never. I have an unshakable trust in you and your abilities, mother." The young girl replied echoing my own feelings.
"Thank you dear. What were you doing?"
"Sketching," my younger self smiled at her sheepishly.
"Oh, is it something bothering you?" she asked with a smile holding out her hand.
"No, no," the young girl on the sofa hurriedly denied only to backtrack, "in fact there is this project… that is… very complicated." she finished hesitantly.
"You've been spending a lot of time with Laatuuk," she said, not quite casually.
The other me from the sofa didn't answer immediately. My mother's voice hadn't sounded judgmental—but I knew that tone. It meant she was probing for something else.
"He's my friend." The young me answered after a pause
"I know," she said quickly. "I'm not saying that's bad. Just... don't forget to make room for others."
I blinked, unsure what she meant. Then it clicked the same time for both of us.
"You think we're—" I heard my other self starting than stopping abruptly.
Mother smiled again, but it didn't reach her eyes. "No. I just know how easy it is to get attached when you're young. And lonely."
"I'm not in love with him," my other dream construct said, maybe too quickly. "He's... I don't know. Like a brother. Or a best friend."
But that wasn't entirely true, was it? The thought from long ago formed into my older-self mind.
There was always a moment—brief, weightless—when I thought maybe. Maybe one day we could be more. If he ever looked at me that way. But I never dared to push. I couldn't risk losing what we already had.
Mother's gaze softened, and she reached for my hand. "You're allowed to feel things. You don't have to explain them to me."
That surprised me both than and now.
"I just don't want you to get hurt," she added quietly.
Her hand hovered briefly over my younger self hair, then she lowered it to her lap instead, her eyes drifting toward the half-finished drawing of Ohina on my screen. She smiled—just slightly.
"That's beautiful yet you only drew the outlines of the artificial moon."
"The artificial moon is not finished." My young double countered.
"That is true. It is a space-engineering marvel. It will be a long time before it is finished. But the Ohinans are nothing if not determined. I am sure that if you apply the same amount of patience and determination to your project you will manage to finish it in no time once we get back to Earth." my mother reassured my young dream self
"You want us to travel back to Earth, soon?" the younger me asked her voice rising slightly.
While she did so her breathing became uneven and my older-self was absorbed inside. We are now one again and I was looking at my mother with the same apprehension that I had that day seven years ago.
"In a couple of days yes. Why?" my mother asked puzzled.
<
Then it hit me. I was working on that article with Laatuuk which also included some lab-tests and we were on a science vessel so it could work if I presented my case wisely and I did not have to lie to her either which was good. I did not think that I could pull that off. I hid some things from her like my philological scars by pretending that I was all right and not talking about them but I could not tell her a complex lie without her noticing something was wrong.
"Mom, I am working on this scientific project regarding the psyclite with Laatuuk witch involves also empiric evidence obtain in the laboratory. It is a joined project that is part of my grade for this semester. We have to finish in two weeks if not both of us would have to retake the course. Also the teacher told us that he will publish the results of our research in one of the scientific journals. It will mean a lot for me if I can publish a scientific paper while still a student at the University. Can you not postpone leavening for the time being?" my tone urgent, when I asked.
"Apparently not. I have to attend the final interview by the end of next week," she said, brushing a strand of hair from her cheek. "To make it in time, we'll have to leave in two days... I've already booked us passage on the Interstellar Express."
My breath hitched. The Express.
A marvel of galactic engineering, the Interstellar Express wasn't just a ship—it was a train woven from psyclite itself. It didn't sail through space in the conventional sense. Instead, it slipped between pre-established portal nexuses embedded across star systems, blinking across the void in radiant pulses of folded space. A thread through a cosmic loom.
"The whole trip will only take a couple of weeks at most," she added. "Just three portal jumps and we'll be home."
"If I go right now with the stellar express we will arrive back on Earth in several days then a few more days before we get settled. Almost a week and a half would pass before I can start working on the paper and by then it will be quite late. We will miss the dead-line entirely." I continued to press the issue.
"What do you suggest then?" she asked displeasure evident in her voice.
""Maybe you could travel ahead, get settled, start your new position... and I can remain here until the semester is over and our project is finished as well, then I will return to Earth with the Pinnacle when the mission on Ohina is done." I said hopefully while praying internally that she would accept this solution.
I imagined her stepping into one of those crystalline-walled cars, the doors whispering shut as the entire vessel shimmered in anticipation. The moment the conductor aligned the quantum matrix, the whole train would lurch forward—and disappear. Psyclite portals didn't open like wormholes. They unfolded space. She'd be halfway across the quadrant before I could even step out of the lab. It felt like a kind of magic, and yet all I wanted in that moment was for her to agree to travel alone, leaving me behind to help my friend.
"You do have a point. I did not take into consideration the project on which you are working on. I thought you could take the final exams on-line. But who will take care of you while I am gone?" she asked in turn.
"Oh, come on mother. We are on a science vessel. Everything is only a voice-command away: food, temperature control. It is not like I need to do any hard labour. I will be fine." I assured her with a smile while releasing a mental breath of relief at the fact that she accepted to leave for Earth without me.
"You are right. I know you can take care of you but still It will give me some peace of mind if I knew someone could check in on you during my absence or if there is someone you can rely on. Maybe I could ask Laatuuk's family?" she said thoughtful.
"I hope they agree. This way you can stop worrying and I get to stay here, finish the project and in six months we will see each other back on Earth." I said while I sent a prayer to who-ever entity was listening to grant my wish and let me stay on Pinnacle.
"Then it is settled. Let's call Laatuuk's parents and ask them to keep an eye on you while I am gone." My mother told me smiling.
I smiled grateful for her concession without saying a word. She was as stubborn as I was at times and any more pressing of the issue might result in a verbal argument that I was not sure I could win.
She tapped her wrist communication device to place the call to Laatuuk's parents. The wrist bracelet emitted a beam of light towards the opposite wall of the room projecting an ethereal dark-gray screen on it. After a moment an image of a Zinon woman coalesced on the insubstantial display.
"Hello, Jasmine what can I do for you?" Laatuuk's mother asked as she answered the call.
"Qu'kti, I have a favor to ask you. I have to return to Earth in a couple of days. Can I ask you to look after my daughter for two weeks? She wants to remain on Pinnacle for the time being so she could finish a project that she works on together with Laatuuk. I agreed but I will feel better if I knew that someone can check on her until Pinnacle returns to Earth." My mother told her.
"Of course we can look after her." Said Laatuuk's mother with a smile that revealed a sharp row of teeth.
"Thank you, Qu'kti. This puts my mind at ease, you know."
"There is no trouble really. I love looking after the young ones. You know family is very important for us. Besides Laatuuk and your daughter get along pretty well. Is it not so, Ta'guuk?" she said turning towards her husband who was hovering in the background.
"They work together well during projects at school and they help out each other. Also, their project about the psyclite might become more interesting. There might be a chance for a field trip for the young ones at one of the Ohinan laboratories. I will know more in about two days." Laatuuk's father inclined his head in agreement.
"Then I will leave her in your care if it is not too much trouble." My mother said relief clear in her voice.
Watching the two Zionans from the couch across the room I became suddenly hyper aware of what Laatuuk was trying to do for the sake of his family or maybe for himself. I was still debating that to be honest.
<
She then turned to me.
"Let's eat something than you can help me decide what to pack for the trip." Her smile lingered on her lips, but my heart twisted. I knew she thought this was the best for both of us. And maybe it was. But I also had a feeling that this would be the last normal day we'd ever have together.
The scene faded again my mind clouding as if a director had decided to cut the filming. The irony was that the director was my own subconscious.
*********************************************************************************************************
Still caught inside the dream, I found myself standing in the xeno-biology laboratory, watching the only two people present—my younger self and Laatuuk.
It was the day after he came to me with the idea of stealing the metal from Ohina.
The lab was quiet. It was afternoon, so most of the staff were probably at lunch. The empty silence gave the space a hollow, echoing feel.
My younger self stood across from Laatuuk, who was hunched over a holographic schematic of the main pylon. His fingers danced across the glowing interface, manipulating angles, zooming in and out with surgical precision.
"Won't you reconsider, Laatuuk?" I asked him—my voice soft, uncertain. "If something goes wrong, we could be imprisoned for life. Your parents would be devastated."
He didn't look up. His eyes stayed fixed on the pylon's structure. "No. This has to work. And if you help me, it will. Stop doubting yourself."
That self-doubt—what he was talking about—was something I knew too well. It had been etched into me since childhood. It hadn't gone away, even now, even inside this dream. It clung to me, part of the reason I'd said yes in the first place.
Above, I hovered unseen—an older version of myself, watching from the ghostly edge of memory. A phantom of who I had become. But then my dream-self exhaled—a deep, uncertain breath—and with it, I was pulled into her again. The divide between us collapsed. I was her now. I remembered this moment as it happened, and lived it all over again.
"We know from the reports that psyclite is stored inside the tower, in case of structural emergencies," I said cautiously. "But what's your actual plan? Walk in, grab a sample, and hope we don't get caught?"
He turned toward me, spinning on his chair. "Yes. That's the main idea."
"Have you figured out how we're going to bypass security? As humans say—'the devil's in the details.'"
"I'm working on it," he said, already turning back to the schematic. "I'll handle the tech side. You'll help me deal with people—distractions, deflections. You're good at that."
"Laatuuk…"
He looked at me again, and this time there was something strange in his eyes. Determination, yes—but also distance. A kind of focus so sharp it was cutting away everything else.
"I can't fail. If we succeed, it changes everything. My father won't be forced to go back to Zonia. My family won't lose everything they've worked for."
I nodded slowly, caught between fear and loyalty. It wasn't that I didn't understand. I did. He wanted freedom. A future. And he believed this was the only way.
"Just... don't shut me out, okay?" I said, softer now. "If we do this, we do it together. No surprises."
His only response was a brief yet strained smile.
Determination mixed with wariness was plussing around him. He was as worried as I was regarding this plan of his only he was trying to mask it for my sake. I placed my hand on his shoulder squeezing lightly, reassuringly. Laatuuk's inner turmoil ebbed. He knew that I will stand by him offering whatever support I could.
"They rotate the guard patrols every six hours," he continued after a pause. "But there's a thirty-minute window when internal security reboots. Cameras cycle. We go in then."
"That sounds like a very narrow margin for error."
"It's enough."
We studied the blueprint both lost in our own thoughts.
"This is everything we know about the interior of the great pylon. There are some schematics that were shared with the galactic community but they are not extremely detailed. I asked the AI to extrapolate but that does not mean that the end result is entirely accurate. We will have to account for that." Laatuuk broke the silence.
The pylon's lower access corridors, the emergency exits, the storage chamber—he'd mapped it all. The whole tower was a maze of safeguards and silent watchers.
"Be careful, someone on-board might start to suspect something. The AI does not report private conversations as per protocol but if someone with command authority should start to suspect something they may ask the AI about our actions and we might get in trouble before we could even act."
"I have research clearance for everything that involves the psyclite including its storage and handling. So this is for research which is true. Only our end goal is a bit different. No one will suspect anything." Laatuuk said winking at me with two eyes.
The effect might have been disturbing for some but it made me laugh.
"The teach gave you researcher level clearance! He did not do so for me." I said with a smile.
"You do not need one to study the economic impact of the commerce with the psyclite at galactic level." He teased.
"You are being mean." I said pouting and for the first time since the start of the conversation I felt my fears easing up a bit.
"I might be a bit mean but you can deny that I made you laugh." He said with a soft chuckle.
I nodded smiling. He always knew how to ease my fears whenever they reared their ugly heads inside of my soul.
"So what are the details of your plan my dauntless Zinon?" I asked half jokingly adopting a formal tone which was preferred by the Zinons.
"The tower is watched over by four pairs of guards per shift. They do not carry energy weapons since they do not work on Ohinans but they carry psyclite inlaid projectile weapons which are just as dangerous. The guards make rounds at every twenty minutes. Also the tower has a psyonic barrier that is active all the time."
"How are we supposed to get inside then?"
"You will distract the guards with an empathic burst. This will create a gap into their pattern. I will sneak passed them and find a good spot for climbing the wall. My father loves exploring caves so I will take his climbing equipment with us. It is made of chetrium which cannot be detected by metal scanners."
"And what will we do about the psyonic shield you mentioned? I can send a psionic burst to inconvenience a couple of guards but I doubt I can do something about a psionic shield."
"This is why you will be using a psyonic visor. With it you can detect the frequency of the ward I will build a small EMP generator that can disable it for a short period to give us time to climb inside."
"I do not have a psyonic visor Laatuuk."
"I know but the xeno-psycology department has one. I will ask the teach to lend you one for research. The reverse psychology applies to commerce does it not?"
"You want to tell the teacher that I will study the effect of using a psionic visor on customers? This is an illegal practice you know, right?"
"I know this is why you will include in your part of the study a section about illegal practices involving the psyclite. And you will need the psyclite visor to conduct a case study on myself."
"I will?"
"Yes, we will document everything tomorrow. You will make me… buy something on line for research purposes of course."
"I do not know if I can convince the teacher to lend me the psionic visor. You know how precious they are."
"Do not worry about it. I will speak to her tomorrow."
"Once inside the tower how will we get passed the security cameras. There have to be some for sure."
"Remember Alexis from the CT course?"
"The one who was studding the radio-waves emitted by the stars and ended up blinding the ship communication systems by overflowing them with white noise?" that was hilariously unexpected.
"Yes, she kept the little algorithm she was running at the time as a curiosity."
"So you are planning to use it on the surveillance system?"
"Yes. I talked to her this morning and I convinced her to give me a copy. She still thinks that I will use it to block my father computer with white noise for a day. It is amazing how you humans think that someone can be upset with his parents and resort to pranks in order to solve the situation.
In a corner of my dream-mind my older-self, now prisoner inside the younger version constructed inside the dream wished my friend would have resorted to pranks to get his point across.
"When we get inside the tower we will have to descend until we reach the underground level where the main storage room is located according to the reports. Until we reach that chamber you will use the psionic visor to bombard any people whom we might encounter with unpleasant sensation to keep them away from us so they will fail to notice that we are there."
"So I will have to broadcast only negative emotions." My younger-self exhaled and my older consciousness emerged free to float a small distance away from the two people. Not that this will have made any difference. I was unknown to them and they were not real. I could not stop the events from unfolding only to witness on repeat the same events.
"I am sorry. I know this will take a toll on your spirit but I cannot see another option." My Zinon friend told to my younger-self.
"Very well." My younger self answered with a resolute tone.
<
"Please know that this means a lot to me and I will always be at your side no matter what." The Zinon continued saying the same words that I heard in each of my recurring nightmares for the past six years.
"I know, I will come to you if I need a shoulder to cry on." My younger self replied.
He reached out his left hand and he squeezed my hand encouragingly without turning away from the detailed model of the tower he was scrutinizing.
"When we reach the storage room I will take care of the locking mechanism and then I will go in and take a sample. Since your empathy is strong enough you can also use it to sense if someone is approaching our position while I'll take the playclte."
"The only thing that remains now is to establish how are we going to travel to Ohina."
"I was thinking that we might have to steal a shuttle but than my father told me that he had made a request to the Ohinan authorities to allow the students on board the Pinacle to visit one of the Ohinan metallurgy labs. He should be receiving confirmation soon." The young Zinon said wistfully.
"Going on Ohina officially beats having to steal a shuttle." My younger self told her friend with a tense smile.
"And you being able to speak Druagnus will help if we need to ask for directions." He teased.
"Oh, so this is your main reason for bringing me along?"I teased back
"No, no… this is not it. And you know it." He said his voice raising as he pivoted his chair to face me a double frown creasing his face.
Stepping out of his reach I continued in a mocking tone gesturing to an imaginary Ohinan "Please, can you help us? We want to reach the pylon, as stealthily as possible, preferably."
"Maybe, you should leave out the last part." Laatuuk said a smile playing on his lips the frown disparaging at my light tone.
He opened his arms, his eyes offering a kind reassurance and I stepped forward taking his hands in mine.
"You always encourage me. You even support my decision to try and learn Druagnus when everyone believes it is a waste of time." The mirth was gone from my voice replaced by gratitude mixed with fondness.
"It might prove useful, you never know" he said with conviction.
The dream-scene faded from my mind as the other me said these words, for a time my mind was blissfully empty.
*********************************************************************************************************
After a while, another scene began to form in my sleeping mind. This was the last time I saw mother as I waited together with her at the docking port on Pinnacle for the boarding procedure to start. The second day after Latuuk managed to rope me into his plans. I was not two dream constructs this time, only one, the younger me.
"It'll dock directly with the ship?" I asked, watching the glowing trail of psyclite energy appear like a pulse across the blackness of space.
"Just for a moment," my mother replied, adjusting the strap of her travel bag. "The Pinnacle is one of the few research vessels equipped with a harmonic anchor ring—it resonates with the Express's lattice system. Makes it possible for diplomatic transfers, even mid-orbit."
As if summoned, the Praxion shimmered into view beyond the viewing panel, materializing from a web of lattice-light. The very air around us vibrated, soft and harmonic, as if space itself had just inhaled.
The psyclite portal corridor extended from the docking port, its translucent blue walls glowing faintly. It wasn't like a hallway—it felt alive. Like walking through a thought.
I kept stealing glances at the structure outside which was both fascinating and breathtaking.
The Interstellar Express loomed now just beyond the viewport, long and glimmering, its sleek body pulsing faintly in waves of opalescent light. Around it, almost invisible, shimmered the psyclite lattice, a web of intricate filaments suspended in the docking field—delicate as frost, immense as a star map.
Even before the first jump, it was awake.
A low vibration thrummed in the bones of my arms and the soles of my feet, a kind of resonant humming. The psyclite lattice was sensing. Scanning. Feeling the shape of each mind that approached it.
Most couldn't tell. But I did.
The filaments were harmonizing, preparing to open the first portal. To the others in the bay, it looked like light shifting across a shielded hull. To me, it felt like a choir singing silently, tuning its frequency to the thoughts of those who would soon ride inside.
"Are you sure you will be all right all by yourself?" my mother asked as she gave me a kiss on cheek.
"Of course, and besides we will only be apart for three weeks. After Pinnacle finishes its mission on Ohina it will go back to Earth." I said smiling.
She nodded absently, her eyes distant. "After the course, I'll apply for Head of the Climatology Department. We could afford a bigger house… on solid ground. With a real garden. Maybe a view of the sea."
"Mom you are working so much and do so much for me. Please be a bit more selfish and do something for yourself as well. Take advantage of the fact that you are alone for a few days and invite that Ugzin attache to dinner."
"She arched a brow. "You really like that Ugzin attaché, don't you?"
"He seems nice and he is also a great conversation partner. You are the one who told me that this is a great quality in a future partner."
"That he is…" she admitted, lips curling faintly. "But this is starting to sound like matchmaking."
"What? I would never," I said with mock innocence, then added with a mischievous smile, "besides, I know you're worried about leaving me alone. But what better place to be than on a science vessel surrounded by teachers and labs? They're even talking about letting us tour one of the Ohinan planetary labs."
"I admit that is fascinating and I would very much want to be there with my colleagues right now…" my mother said wistfully.
We both turned to the viewport.
My gaze flicked to the shimmering structure beyond the port, anchored like a silver spearhead to the station's edge. The Praxion, etched in fluid silver script along the side of the foremost car, glinted under the artificial lights. The letters pulsed faintly—not with electricity, but with something deeper. Like breath.
I couldn't look away.
The train's outer surface, crafted entirely from polished psyclite, seemed to resonate faintly—not audibly, but like a hum inside my bones. For a moment I thought I heard a subtle chime, or maybe it was a trick of my heartbeat syncing with the lattice.
I wondered if others felt it too.
"Isn't she beautiful?" my mother said, following my gaze. "That's the Praxion line. Fastest interstellar route in three sectors. Three jumps and I'll be home before you finish your second project draft."
I nodded absently, still staring at the psyclite casing.
The lattice around the train—it shimmered. No, it responded. Like it knew someone was watching. Waiting.
Beyond, the main disk of Ohina hung beneath us, bathed in reflected starlight. The central biome, a sprawling, ring-shaped city, glittered even in daylight—a metropolis of sunlight gardens, silver towers, and biosynthetic habitats. At night, the lights scattered like constellations across its surface.
If I were to live on of the biome which one will I choose? My research showed that the most populated one was the one in the center which had warm and sunny weather reminiscent to the Mediterranean climate back on Earth.
This platform was the one which attracted the most attention too from the aliens who visited. It was in fact one giant city that span on the entire surface of the disk. In the night it will ignite with millions of tiny lights like diamonds on a black velvet. Two days from now we will try to steal a psyclite sample from within the section of the tower that was accessible from the central biome.
"Mother, what if you had the opportunity to help a very dear friend, would you do everything in your power to do so?"
"Of course I would. I know that is the reason you wanted to stay on Pinnacle. You wanted to help Laatook." She smiled at me giving me a side-hug while my heart started beating erratically.
"You knew…" The almost inaudible murmur sounded more like a question while my mind entered in hyper-drive considering the posibility that she had just realized that there was more to my request to stay behind than the scientific paper.
"I suspected. You've always carried your feelings with you, even when you tried to hide them."
❖
For a brief moment that seemed like an eternity I debated if I should tell her the truth all the while continuing to look towards Ohina. This strange, almost impossible to believe world, seemed to attract my gaze like a flame draws in a moth.
"You've been quiet lately, Is everything okay?"" she said braking the pregnant silence.
The warmth in her touch as she placed a gentle hand on my shoulder contrasting sharply with the sterile light of the ship's docking-bay jolted me out of my frantic inner debate.
This warmth that seeped into my bones sealed my conviction not to tell her anything. Just as she said earlier that she will do whatever it took to help a friend in need, I will do the same and if anything were to happen I will not implicate her in anything.
"Just… projects. You know how it is." I avoided my mother's gaze, my fingers fiddling with the fabric of my shirt as I crossed my arms.
"We've been together on this ship long enough that I can tell when you're hiding something." Her voice was gentle but firm. "You can talk to me, you know."
"It's nothing, really. Just… pressure to finish everything before the semester ends."
"Hmm." She didn't push further but instead pulled a small box from her coat pocket. "Here. I thought you could use a little encouragement."
"An Ebbia flower?" I asked incredulous as I slowly opened the unassuming box. Inside was a charm, a small pendant crafted from pressed Ebbia petals—a flower that only bloomed on Ohina.
"Not quite. It's a charm made from the petals. Something to keep you grounded. You're always so good at finding beauty in the little things… don't forget to look for it in yourself too." Mother said with a small smile.
"Thank you mom, you are the best." I burst happily while giving her a heartfelt hug. "I will cherish this forever."
"I realized last night when you told me that you want to finish the project together with Laatook that you wanted to stay here to help him and be close to him in case he needs you instead of conversing about the project from afar." Her warm voice tickled my ear as I continued to hold onto her
"The project, yes… is very important to him." I told her while wondering again if I should tell her the real nature of Laatook's endeavors.
I had never kept something so big hidden from her, that could impact my entire life and now I realized it will also impact hers. If something went wrong and we end up arrested it will be quite the blow for her. I was debating with myself whether I should tell her or not when I happen to cast a look towards the view-port where a part of the main disk of Ohina was visible.
If I end up arrested I will spend my whole life in prison there and my mother will be free to choose her own life, no more will I be a burden to her. She could enjoy what life had to offer next to someone who cared for her without the need to work so much for my sake.
Just then, the portal structure beyond the bay shimmered to life. The Interstellar Express pulsed, its psyclite framework beginning to glow with increasing intensity. As it bloomed—soft, radiant, beautiful, I felt it echo in my chest like a chord struck on a vast cosmic instrument.
"We'll be boarding shortly," came the calm voice of the terminal steward over the comm.
Decision made, I turned to her banishing the thoughts of what I had decided to do a few days from now from my mind.
"Relax mother, go back to Earth, do that course and maybe one day we will return and visit Ohina together. And stop worrying about me. Concentrate on yourself, beside it is not like I am alone. Laatook's parents agreed to also keep an eye on me…"
"Be sure to be respectful and behave properly. Do not neglect your duties." She added sternly.
"I will mother. Oh, it looks like the docking procedures are finished. Have a safe trip. I will write to keep you updated about my daily boring life until we see each other again."
My mother turned to me one last time brushing a kiss against my cheek.
"Relax, sweetheart. Finish the project. And maybe someday, we'll return and walk on Ohina together, just for pleasure—not duty."
"Stop worrying about me," I said, forcing levity into my voice. "Focus on the course. And Tovash."
She laughed, giving me one last embrace, and walked toward the illuminated docking tunnel.
The Express gave a low, harmonic hum as its first portal aligned. One moment, it stood still, crystalline and radiant. The next, it was gone, vanished into the layered folds of space with a flash of white-blue light.
The silence that followed was unbearable.
I stood there alone.
The sense of loss for my older dream-self was overwhelming. This was the last time I would see my mother. She went back to Earth that day and I chose to stay back to help my friend achieve his dream. A dream that will lead to failure.
The emotional wave felt almost like pain that shot trough my mind in my sleep and it helped me push through the haze in my mind. I tore my sleepy consciousness from the dream construct and with a gasp I managed to pull myself awake. It was as if my nightmare let me go for a time as if satiated with how it managed to torture me with my own memories.