Lin Feng squatted on the warehouse steps, his dusty work pants ripped at the knee to flash a peek of his Supreme undies. Morning dew mixed with rust-flavored air made him sneeze so hard the "Jiangcheng Pharmaceuticals" sign above him creaked like a horror movie door.
Secretary Zhou's WeChat message popped up: "Boss, surveillance shows they come daily at 2 PM."Attached: a blurry photo of three tattooed goons flipping off the camera. "You sure about being bait?"
Lin Feng shoved his half-eaten jianbing into his pocket, grease blooming into a modern-art sunflower on his uniform. "This is immersive leadership! Like in CEO's Bodyguard!" He angled his phone for a selfie. "Plus my outfit's mad relatable—HEY AUNTIE STOP GRABBING MY BROOM!"
Janitor Wang snatched his broom, pulling a Hello Kitty-branded taser from her apron. "Kid, you sweep like you're exorcising demons!" Leaning in, she whispered: "Those warehouse rats stole my husband's urn last week… though it was full of cat treats."
"Your husband is…?"
"Lord Orange. A 15-year-old tabby." She showed her phone wallpaper: a spherical cat mid-eye-roll. "They even steal kibble! Monsters!"
Lin Feng stared at the taser's glittery sticker. Maybe bankruptcy isn't our biggest problem.
2:05 PM. The goon squad arrived. Their leader, a bald guy with sesame seeds glittering on his scalp like cheap constellations, waved a crumpled business plan: "Baldie's Fresh Mart! Logo: a chef-hatted. Slogan: 'Every hair died for the cause!'"
"Boss, will this really earn us a Wuling minivan?" whined a henchman. "TikTok says girls hate—"
"SHUT IT!" Baldie smacked him with the jianbing. "It's called niche marketing—"
"BOSS! REPORTER!"
Lin Feng crept closer with a selfie stick, his "Wage Slave" phone case glowing. "Squad! Today we explore Jiangcheng's sketchiest warehouse! Rocket gifts = me eating Miracle-Gro live!"
Baldie grabbed his collar: "Which media you from?!"
"I'm Discount Li" Lin Feng shoved the camera in his face. "Snapshots NOW! This man's armpit hair belongs in a meme museum!"
Chaos erupted. Lin Feng crashed into a shelf, raining blue "Toilet Cleaner" bottles onto Baldie's head. Liquid dripped down his wrinkles, glowing neon.
"Fck! My startup funds— wait… why's this toilet cleaner strawberry-scented?!"*
"NEW anti-balding shampoo!" Lin Feng spun a mop like a lightsaber. "TASTE MY WHIRLWIND MOP SLASH!" Water droplets arced, slapping a henchman with a rainbow facemask.
"Aim low, Xiao Feng!"
Lin Feng turned to see his mom, Su Wan, crouched behind fertilizer boxes with a ramen-bag hat and a plunger. "MOM?! Since when did you join Hunger Games?!"
"Less sass!" She hurled a stiletto that stabbed Baldie's thigh. "They stole my GOJI BERRIES! A middle-aged woman's thermos is SACRED!"
A henchman swung a steel pipe. Lin Feng blocked with his mop—SSSZZZT!—the metal corroded into twisty fries.
"HOLY SHT MAGIC MOP?!"*
"DROP IT!" Su Wan chucked her plunger, suction-cupping the thug's forehead with a perfect red circle. Lin Feng suddenly suspected his mom ran with circus assassins.
Post-police cleanup, Lin Feng found a cracked phone with a yellowed family photo: baby him in Su Wan's arms beside a lab-coat man sporting the Grey Sparrow logo.
"Mom! Is this Einstein wannabe my secret uncle?!" He waved the phone like a ghost-hunting gadget.
Su Wan smashed it. "Your dad's photoshop contest entry! 'Scientist's Romance' theme!" She kicked a bubbling blue bottle. "CLEAN THIS UP!"
Lin Feng read the faded label: "Golden Ear Elixir.""Wait… isn't this Dad's 'immortality potion' he bragged about for 20 years?!"
"TOILET CLEANER CONCENTRATE!" Her hands shook like a vibrator. "Keep snooping and you'll sleep in the septic tank!"
Midnight. Lab.
Lin Feng watched a pH strip disintegrate in blue liquid. "This cleans toilets? It could melt a elephant's a**hole into Swiss cheese!"
Er Mao's text arrived: "Golden Ear Elixir (1998): Lab rats grew extra tails/recited pi. Bro… your dad was a WIZARD?!"
2 AM. Lin Feng peeped Su Wan digging in the garden with three glowing vials.
"MOM! Why're you cosplaying Tomb Raider?!"
"BURYING EXPIRED CLEANER!" She brandished a shovel. "Keep staring and I'll have your dad HAUNT YOU!"
As he ducked, Lin Feng saw her kick a rusted box deeper into the earth—the same green-eyed bird smirking up from the dirt. Her guilty shuffle reminded him of hiding failed test scores as a kid.