Waking up was unpleasant. That's putting it mildly.
I snapped out of oblivion. Before I could even get my bearings, something yanked me somewhere. Then came a jolt that reverberated through my whole body. The hit seemed to land around my back, but I couldn't pinpoint it. I tried to protest, but my throat and lungs burned with pain. I bawled. Right after this act unworthy of a real MAN, they wrapped me in some soft cloth and set me down somewhere.
I tried opening my eyes. Fourth attempt worked, but everything was a blurry mess. I couldn't make out anything in this haze. Hearing was useless too—sounds blended into a cacophony with zero chance of picking out anything specific.
I gave up on my futile explorer attempts, relaxed, and started pondering the situation. The conclusions were depressing: based on current events, I was a newborn baby, minutes old.
Sure, I'm thrilled to be alive again! But that initial joy was soured by the mismatch: a newborn's body didn't gel with my adult consciousness. Once the storm of indignation settled, I recalled who this body originally belonged to. My mood sank below the goddamn baseboard.
I was rudely pulled out of my depression.
Something scooped me up from my cozy, warm spot. This black thing with red polka dots lifted me and started gently shaking me. A relentless, energetic noise suggested this someone was probably talking to me.
Much later, I realized it was Toby. During this squeezing session, I was wrecked—body (yep, just born) and soul ("What the hell is going on here?!"). All I wanted was to pass out. But this sudden ride jolted me awake. I remember intense shaking, a blur of motion, and a string of loud sounds.
Over time, I decoded it as juggling me, pulling acrobatic stunts, and actively trying to smack someone nearby.
My last strength was spent. I sank into darkness.
The next wake-up marked a big improvement in vision. Everything was still spotty, but the figures before me looked like people, not just vague colorful blobs. A woman with red—no, blood-red—hair had a quiet, melodic voice. Kushina Uzumaki. Behind her stood a blond guy. Minato Namikaze. Behind them was something red, like a mountain. They were saying something to me. Too bad I couldn't understand a thing. They went quiet, the Fourth said something, and then this whole red mountain, roaring furiously (probably something profane, tenth-floor level), charged at me—or rather, at the seal on my belly. Terrifying sight. It felt like I was plunged into boiling water and encased in ice at the same time. I lost consciousness. That's my second trip to the dark on my birthday.
Just as I was settling in to enjoy unconsciousness, the system announced itself.
Param-pam-pam!
System "Player. Version T.-3000" greets the user "Player."
Start system activation?
Begin installation of basic abilities?
Yes / Sure, yes / YES
— Feels like I should've picked the "Plus" version of this system. Fine, hit the "YES" button.
Initiating installation of basic abilities:
1%
16%
39%
68%
89%
99%
100%
— Installation successfully completed.
The process wasn't instant. It dragged on with this characteristic beeping, so I fully sank into memories. Like I was installing something on my first computer.
Congratulations!
You are the first user to activate the "Player. Version T.-3000" system!
Reward: Upgrade to player's basic abilities.
"Player's Body" — Passive Skill
The user's body adapts to the character's body. Any damage taken deducts HP (Health Points). As long as the user has at least 1 HP, the body's health can regenerate.
Additional:
- Maximum single-instance damage is [Current Health - 1 HP].
- Even a sword chopping your head off won't kill you, leaving 1 HP.
- Minimum damage is 1 HP. No damage can be less than 1 HP.
Watch out for big mosquito swarms.
"Player's Mind" — Passive Skill
The user's mind remains calm in any situation. Immunity to mental attacks.
Additional:
- Interdimensional energy affected your cockroaches.
- Your consciousness's cockroaches mutated into Xenomorphs.
- Activity stage: Actively colonizing your subconscious, merged with the Seal's space.
P.S.
Kurama fondly recalls the living conditions in Kushina Uzumaki's Seal. He thanks the Shinigami and the Fourth for installing a sturdy gate. He curses the current Seal host.
Other system functions are unavailable.
System calibration required.
Timer: 3 years, 364 days, 11 hours, 06 minutes.
The "Player. Version T.-3000" system offers its DEEPEST apologies for the inconvenience.
The system temporarily bids you farewell.
What the hell was that?! Calibration for four years?!
Okay, take it easy…
One cyborg on jam power said, "Calm. Only calm."
Inhale—exhale, inhale—exhale…
Alright, I'm good. Sort of.
Now let's unpack these new perks.
The basic body and mind stats are clear. The extra features raise more questions than answers. One thing's badass: I can survive decapitation. Picture my body lying off to the side, regenning HP, then jumping the executioner from behind. Plus the psychological trauma: a headless corpse getting revenge!
But hold the celebration. There's an untested "but": if my severed head hits the ground, does it take that fatal 1 HP? If so, I survive the beheading but die from my forehead smacking the floor. If that's the case, this cheat's useless.
And that's just offensive.
I've got karma. And it's probably bad: died stupidly once, and now the setup's ripe for a repeat. That mosquito warning alone is worth a second "Make the Gods Laugh" achievement.
My little cockroaches… Great defense against intruders. I almost pity the poor bastards who try sneaking into my head.
If I recall correctly, in season two, Sasuke poked around in Naru's subconscious and saw the Fox. Now that kind of stunt could do the world a favor—one less Uchiha.
Now the obvious downsides. First, I have no idea how to deal with Kurama. He'll probably tell me to piss off, and I'd agree with him, given these neighbors. Second, what if those critters eat me if I venture into my subconscious?
I've already tested Player's Mind: hysterics fade fast. Immunity to foreign mental influence is the main patch for Naru's leaky head. That was his biggest weakness. Now those gloomy red-eyed freaks or the clan of blond brain-pickers can't touch me.
Calibration for four years… Screw it! What quests are there for a damn infant? Still, they waved some goodies and put them on a high shelf. It's not as bad as it seemed at first. But the lingering sense of being screwed didn't let go.
Lost in my thoughts, I missed the arrival of new faces. At the Fox-sealing site, a squad (crowd? group? who the hell knows how many) of ANBU showed up, led by the Third Hokage. I recognized him by his darker blob. Hm, my vision's clearly improving, and that's nice. Memory conjured his black outfit from the canon fight with Orochimaru. Was he wearing it? Can't say for sure. He stood out among the identical ANBU.
The ANBU spread out fast. Hiruzen stayed near me with one ninja. Others kept running up with reports. When alone, Old Monkey chatted with a subordinate in a bird mask (sparrow? heron? who knows). This bird guy was inspecting my Seal and commenting with a lot of emotion.
It's not even that these guys checked the Seal before the health of a newborn lying under the open sky. What's worse is I couldn't understand a single word of their talk. My fate's being decided, and I'm out of the loop! Maybe right now, Monkey's chilling with his loyal crew, spilling his super-secret, sinister plans.
Where's the justice?
Why don't I know the local language? Every damn isekai protag speaks the local tongue like it's their native language, no matter where the hell they end up. Am I the only unlucky, defective one?
Whine, sob.
— System, where's my language knowledge? Hello! I'm talking to you!
— …
— Oh, right… You're in loading mode.
My budding tantrum fizzled out again. Player's Mind is a damn fine thing.
Calm's worth a lot, but not now. Hiruzen started eyeing me with some serious suspicion. I mean, come on—a newborn baby, frozen on a cold rock, silent, just staring into your face? That's pretty weird. Factor in that they just sealed a nine-tailed demon fox in this baby, and it's suspicious as hell.
That's when I let go of my iron control and let the last of my hysterics out. My crying and flailing must've convinced them the Fox hadn't taken over. At least, I think so, because a medic showed up, not a sealing team.
The medic waved glowing green hands over me for ten minutes. I was enchanted. It looked freaking cool! I want that too! Once the system's back, I'm rushing to the hospital to sign up for courses.
…Yeah, Player's Mind isn't as useful as it seemed at first glance. The skill dampens strong emotions, both negative and positive. Though the idea of learning medical ninjutsu is solid. But with Naruto's reputation and the village's attitude toward him, I won't need to run to the hospital—they'll carry my sorry carcass there.
My grim thoughts were interrupted by the medic (same one? Different? Who the hell knows). He kept glowing his hands and waving them near my face. Sleep pulled at me, and my consciousness shut off.
In an underground room, behind a big wooden desk piled with folders and scrolls, sat a scrawny old man of average height. His face was slightly oval, covered in wrinkles and battle scars. Slightly convex nose. Lips pursed. Right eye and forehead wrapped in a white bandage. Greasy black hair stuck out on his head. A cross-shaped scar on his chin. A ninja in ANBU gear, with a blank mask, appeared before the desk, interrupting his document review.
"Report," Shimura ordered curtly.
"Yes, Danzo-sama. Despite heavy losses, we managed to place markers on the Nine-Tails' vessel," the subordinate said, bowing deeply.
"Losses and cause?"
"Four mentalists. Cause: an unknown defense. We suspect Kushina Uzumaki's work. The first mentalist's mind was destroyed seven seconds after contact with the vessel. The next attempt involved a group of three more experienced specialists. The second and third's minds were destroyed after 32 and 49 seconds. The group leader managed to break contact. He reported the operation's success before descending into madness."
"Return the vessel to its place. Provide reports on the examination of the deceased's bodies and the survivor's mind."
Shimura sank into thought. What the hell did that Uzumaki woman do that a team of elite mentalists, in a prepared lab with no resistance, completed the task at the cost of their lives? He needed to get to those technique scrolls before Hiruzen's people did.
Staring at the huge pile of documents on his desk, Sarutobi Hiruzen was already regretting his return as Kage. The general meeting was too heavy. The main tension was over the question: what to do with the new Nine-Tails jinchuriki. Danzo went wild, desperate to take him into Root. The elders backed the Root leader, but the clan heads and many jonin were firmly against it.
Several clans were eager to adopt the orphaned jinchuriki. That's where their unity fell apart. Each pushed their own candidate and rejected the others. In the end, Hiruzen had to step in. After long debates, they decided on non-interference in the jinchuriki's life and classifying all information about him.
The jinchuriki worried Hiruzen no less than Danzo's strange scheming, maybe more. That baby looked at him too knowingly, too scrutinizingly. Another Fox incident wasn't what he needed. That's why he asked Inoichi Yamanaka to check Naruto's mind for any Nine-Tails influence, and, well, to place a couple of markers, just in case.
A few hours later, Inoichi Yamanaka entered the Hokage's office after a quiet knock. One look at him, and Sarutobi choked on his pipe smoke.
"What happened?" the Hokage couldn't hide his concern.
Inoichi raised an exhausted gaze. Hiruzen had seen that look often during the war, on fighters who'd barely escaped some bloody slaughter. Only now did he notice gray streaks in Yamanaka's hair and his overall pallor. Squinting, he noted severe chakra depletion.
"I completed Naruto's check as you requested," Inoichi replied in a quiet, monotonous voice.
"And what did you find?" Hiruzen tensed, expecting the worst.
"The check showed no trace, not even minimal, of Kurama's chakra affecting Naruto's mind. No signs of other interventions in his consciousness either. However, Uzumaki has an unknown mental defense that cannot be overcome."
"And the additional task?" the Hokage asked calmly, relaxed.
"Impossible! I'm not going back in there!" Yamanaka nearly shouted, jumping off the couch.
After sending Inoichi home with a week's leave, Hiruzen thought hard about the situation with Naruto.
Good that there's no Fox influence on the boy's mind. That's where the good news ends. Naruto's impenetrable mental defense needs time to study, and there's no time. Danzo's already sniffed it out, so now he'd have to fend off his persistent interest.
The village is in ruins. Top priorities: restore the village's defenses and revive the mission-based economy. A battle's a battle, but losing the trust of wealthy regular clients would cost Konoha dearly. A ton of other matters also demand close attention.
Hiruzen reasoned that solving urgent issues was more important, and Naruto wasn't going anywhere. Assign temporary guards to him, and the last Uzumaki issue could be shelved for better times.