The call came on a Tuesday. Which was weird, because Tuesdays were strictly reserved for Buttermilk's Sniff-and-Snooze Sessions — a combo of aromatherapy and tactical naps.
The caller?
Fitzgerald Von Pawpenheimer — legendary film director, part-time mime, full-time drama hurricane.
"Your dog," he declared, "is a cinematic masterpiece in a fluffy body. I must capture her soul. Her struggle. Her snack preferences. This will be my magnum opus."
Travis blinked. "Can you say that again without the jazz flute in the background?"
Fitz snapped, and a man offscreen stopped playing.
He continued: "I want to film The Barkumentary. A feature-length biopic. Buttermilk as herself. Real tears. Real mud. Possibly an interpretive dance scene."
Carlton whispered, "Do we get catering?"
"Yes," Fitz said. "All-organic, gluten-free puppuccinos flown in from Switzerland."
Buttermilk nodded once.
The deal was sealed.
---
Shooting Day 1
The crew arrived with 12 trailers, 8 fog machines, and 1 emotional support alpaca.
The first scene: Buttermilk's "origin story."
"She rises from a humble background," Fitz explained, dramatically adjusting a scarf he did not need. "Born in a cardboard box behind a dog yoga studio. Raised on the streets. Trained in the ancient art of Bark-Fu."
"But none of that's true," Carlton pointed out. "She was raised in a three-bedroom apartment with an orthopedic dog bed and air conditioning."
Fitz gasped. "So... a tragedy! Even better!"
Buttermilk blinked twice, then proceeded to bark on cue, roll over dramatically, and fake-cry with an onion under her paw.
Travis whispered, "She's acting better than most humans on TV."
---
Shooting Day 2: The Training Montage
No cinematic biopic was complete without a gritty training montage — and Fitz made sure it was absurdly overproduced.
He dressed Buttermilk in a tiny grey hoodie and placed her on a treadmill next to an 80s boombox blasting Eye of the Tiger — but the lyrics had been changed to "Bark of the Terrier."
They filmed:
Buttermilk chasing slow-motion bacon through sprinklers
Buttermilk pulling Carlton up a hill in a wagon labeled "EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE"
Buttermilk staring at her reflection in a puddle while a voiceover whispered, "Who is the dog within?"
Fitz yelled "YES! AGAIN! SLOWER!" at least 47 times.
The scene ended with Buttermilk doing push-ups on a yoga mat while Travis sobbed behind the camera.
"She's gonna win an Oscar," he whispered. "Or at least a fancy chew toy."
---
Shooting Day 3: The Dream Sequence
Fitz insisted on "a surreal dream ballet inspired by her inner fears."
This included:
A giant mailman puppet chasing Buttermilk through a hallway made of tennis balls
A foggy meadow where her chew toys whispered regrets in French accents
Fabio dressed as a Shakespearean villain reciting sonnets about belly rubs lost to time
Carlton tried to protest. "This makes no sense."
"Exactly," Fitz snapped. "Art never should."
The dream scene ended with Buttermilk floating through space, booping planets with her nose while a harpist sobbed gently in the background.
---
Shooting Day 4: Trouble on Set
Fabio arrived.
Not invited. Not expected. Not… dressed appropriately. (He wore a feather boa and a sign that read "I do my own stunts".)
"Surprise!" he announced, sauntering in with Chadwick the chihuahua fanning him with lettuce.
Carlton's face turned pale. "Why is he here?"
Fitz looked ecstatic. "Conflict! Rivalry! Angst! He's perfect! He'll play The Dark Bark — Buttermilk's misunderstood frenemy."
Travis gasped. "You're turning her story into a dog noir?!"
Fitz spun in a circle. "YES. And the climax will be a rooftop bark battle in the rain. With flashbacks!"
Carlton pulled Travis aside. "This is a disaster. Fabio's going to ruin everything with his slow-motion lip licking and aggressive eye contact."
But Buttermilk?
She was ready.
---
The Rooftop Scene
Fake rain poured.
Lightning cracked (thanks to a special effects intern and two aluminum sheets).
Buttermilk stood, noble and soaked.
Fabio stood across from her, hair fluffed and dramatic.
"You always thought you were better than me!" he growled.
Buttermilk barked once, softly.
Travis translated. "She says, 'I never needed to be better. I just needed to be me.'"
The crew audibly wept.
Even Chadwick dabbed at his tiny eyes.
Fabio stared at her.
Then he dropped to the ground, rolled over, and sighed. "Fine. You win. Again."
---
Wrap Party
The movie wrapped in three days — a new personal record for Fitz, who had previously taken six months to film a documentary about goldfish.
The first screening of "Barkumentary: A Tail of Triumph" received a 27-minute standing ovation at Barkleywood Studios.
Critics called it:
"A tour de bark."
"Emotionally fetching."
"I laughed, I cried, I sniffed a seat."
Buttermilk won a Golden Chewie award. Fabio got "Best Supporting Ego."
Carlton, Travis, and Buttermilk returned home exhausted but triumphant.
"She did it," Travis whispered.
"She told her story," Carlton added.
"And she pooped in Fabio's trailer," Travis concluded. "Twice."
---