"I hate myself In as much as everyone hates me"
Those were YiChen's thoughts. They were always his thoughts.
And these were his thoughts as he stepped into the bus to go home that evening.
He sat at the corner looking out through the window in tears.
The thought of what happened made him hate himself more.
He hated himself for being "ugly". Hated himself for not being likeable. And hated himself for all that happened.
All through his life, he always had to put up with not being good looking.
Ridiculed for being a bit chubby and ugly at the same time. It wasn't his fault, he knew that. But he still blamed himself for being so.
YiChen cried at the back side of the car while he headed home. People casually looked back at him. No one cared to ask him what was wrong.
No one ever did. And he was used to it.
YiChen cried some more when he recalled he was going home to his Aunt's place. His aunt basically hated him.
After the death of his parents in an accident, he was forced to stay with his aunt.
His parents said they liked him for who he was. But he could see the opposite. They didn't like him, especially when they found out he was gay.
"Aren't you disgusted with yourself?" His mum had said.
And now he was staying with his aunt who didn't seem to be much different.
"You're gay? How can you be ugly and gay at the same time! What a useless thing! If not that I might go to jail I would kill you and throw you out of my sight you pathetic thing!" She had said when she found out he was gay.
This was one of the moments when YiChen didn't feel like going home at all.
He was already heartbroken from his crush. Who made him feel 10 times more terrible than the bullies.
And now he was sure his aunt would do worse. He didn't want to go home. And he didn't know anywhere to go.
Moments like this were when YiChen always liked getting trapped in his world.
In his world of K-pop.
He got out his phone and started going through posts, edits and reality shows of some of his favourite Kpop groups and idols.
Those always made him smile. Always made him feel a sense of belonging amongst the community of fans who related to him.
YiChen was a big fan of K-pop. He followed the genre of Music for years and had always dreamt of becoming an Idol too.
But to him, it was impossible.
He never had the looks for it. He didn't even think he had the voice for it.
And dancing skills? He doubted. Since birth he has always had a weak body.
He never did hard things. Because if he did, he would fall sick and break down. It made him an introvert more.
So for that reason, he never thought of practicing these Kpop dances. If he did, he would break down. Especially the boy group dances.
And so his dancing skills were nothing to write home about. He had nothing that could make him a K-pop idol.
So he never thought of being one. Even though he had the biggest dream of becoming one.
Watching survival shows, watching these idols debut, watching them go Live, dance, sing and attend shows. He wanted that.
He dreamt of that type of lifestyle. But it was impossible. So he didn't overestimate himself.
YiChen adjusted his glasses while watching the latest reality show one of the groups he Stan attended.
But tonight, these didn't bring a smile to his face.
He couldn't stop thinking about.. himself.
He was terrible. He was unlovable. Hated. Useless. He was everything bad and he had made himself believe that.
He turned off his face and looked out the window as tears rolled down.
With emotions running wild, YiChen alighted the bus at the next bus stop. It wasn't his stop.
It was the day he finished high school. A day that was supposed to be a fun memorable one.
But he was alone. Depressed and heartbroken as he staggered by the roadside in tears with his backpack on.
Lots of thoughts and images flashed through his head. Thoughts of what people had said to him.
Images of how he was bullied countless in school. Brutal ones that destroyed every atom of self esteem he could ever have.
That night, YiChen felt like a meaningless piece strolling the earth.
And tonight, this meaningless piece had found himself standing on top of a bridge.
He had always thought of this. Endlessly thought about it.
If he died, no one would care. No one would even notice.
No one valued his existence, so no one would care if he died. Right?
And with that mentality, he stood on top of the bridge, letting thoughts of how useless his life has been make him want to fall off the bridge.
He took a step closer and closer. Almost jumping off.
But something flashed through his mind.
As though he had come back to reality, he realised what he was about doing.
"What am I doing... I can't..." he shocked his head. "I can't take my life"
He had been holding on till now because he didn't wish to die.
He believed that as long as there was life. There was hope. And for sure, something good would happen, even though it sounded like fantasy, someone had told him that. And that person had somehow made him believe those words.
And hold onto those words
He was too young to die. There was more to live for.
"I can't die..." he said as he staggered backwards. Away from the bridge.
But YiChen wasn't conscious of his steps and accidentally slipped. He immediately found himself falling off the bridge.
"Ahhh!!!"
He exclaimed as he harshly smashed his body against the walls of the bridge and fell into the deep sea. Covered in blood.
He was soon dead.
[REBIRTH MODE ACTIVATED]