I started to drift away, but she was drifting away to, I could feel it, I could feel her slowly distancing from me like I was a plague or something that caused disease, she didn't look at me like the way she used to, or she didn't look at me at all.
Part of me wanted to blame me, my inner demons, the things that holders me back, my 'friends', my anxiety, peer pressure, my emotions, my depression.
But it wasn't an excuse, everything points back to me, a part of me knew it was all my fault, I let it happen, I watched our friendship fade like a dying flame. Something that used to be a fiery light, a shadow of it's former self.
It hurt, badly, I couldn't hold her hand, talk about teachers we hate, about boys, I couldn't talk about us.
A part of me always knew the day would come, where we have to say goodbye, but what I didn't know was that it would come this soon, or come this way, and even though I knew it would happen, I wasn't prepared for it, I never would be, Im also never going to be able to be prepared for it.
I knew this friendship was dying but I did nothing, I didn't add fuel to the fire, instead I extinguished it.
It was all because of my selfishness
It was all because of my lack of communication
It was all because of my ignorance
It was all because I only cared about my self
It was all because of me.
I didn't love myself,
I hated my face
I hated my body
I hated my life
I hated my heart
I still do
I hate me.
Everything that happens is because of me.
Maybe I felt a sense of security with all of them Tito, maybe that's why I started with them, they were everything I could never be, my appearance a stark contrast to their perfect looks, but staying with them made me look better.
I was even partnered with Chissy in science today, but I blew up my chances of ignighting the flame of our friendship that had almost gone cold, maybe because I was scared, hurting, depressed, anxious, or maybe I'm just paranoid.
When I got home I wanted to call Chissy to talk to her, I wanted to hear her voice, but I couldn't, my conscience wouldn't let me, so I turned to my journal for solitude.
I got home that night, picked up my journal and wrote, I wrote to the only thing that would listen.