There's a sacred moment between waking and dreaming.
That fragile, blissful second where nothing hurts, no one is trying to force-feed you a cursed love omelet, and you can almost pretend you're back in a boring, peaceful life where the worst thing you had to deal with was traffic.
That moment died screaming as soon as I fell asleep.
System Notification:
[Warning: Divine Dream Infiltration Detected]
[Incoming Transmission: ERIS.EXE has entered your subconscious]
Before I could even conjure up a peaceful beach or a field of sunflowers, the dreamscape twisted violently. The sky turned pink. The ocean turned into instant ramen. A crescent moon started giggling.
Then, out of the misty void, she descended.
Wearing her usual crop-top toga combo, chewing chopsticks with the confidence of a bored chaos deity, and floating horizontally on a beanbag made of live cats...
Goddess Eris.
My so-called patroness.
"Yo, mortal meat-puppet," Eris greeted, slurping an offensively spicy noodle with a snap. "Back again in dreamland, I see. Still alive? I'm almost disappointed."
"…I was hoping for just one night of peace," I muttered.
"Peace is for cowards, accountants, and people who don't collect yanderes like Pokémon cards," she shot back, stretching lazily. "You, my tragic protagonist, need lessons. Goddess-tier ones."
She snapped her fingers, and the landscape behind her shifted into a simulation of my mansion… on fire.
A ghostly version of me ran in circles, chased by mini versions of all five of my fiancées holding various romantic weapons—lace-wrapped axes, heart-shaped chloroform rags, a holy flail with 'Cuddle or Die' engraved on the handle.
"Lesson #1," Eris said, as the mini-me got tackled by Dream-Lilia, "Never trust a smile before 7AM."
"Why are you even here?" I asked, already feeling my blood pressure spike.
"Because you suck at surviving," she replied cheerfully. "And because this is part of your system's update package. Also because I was bored. Also also because watching you struggle brings me serotonin."
She raised her palm, and the sky turned into a giant chalkboard titled:
[YANDERE SURVIVAL 101: GODDESS ERIS'S TOTALLY-NOT-UNHINGED GUIDE]
The first bullet point:
1. Smile. Nod. Lie.
"I've noticed," Eris began, drawing a stick figure Rei with a heart through his chest, "that you tend to panic, flail, and/or scream 'OH GOD NO' whenever one of your psycho darlings gets too close."
"They threatened to sew me into a bridal tuxedo last week."
"Which is why you need to fake it better," Eris beamed. "Smile like your organs aren't clenching. Nod like you're not planning your escape. Say things like, 'That's such a thoughtful death trap, darling.' Trust me. They love that crap."
I raised an eyebrow. "So your advice is to emotionally gaslight the gaslighters?"
"Exactly!" she said proudly. "Survival means adaptation. You're the apex prey species now. Learn from the possum. Play dead emotionally."
She flipped the chalkboard.
2. Keep a teleportation scroll under your pillow.
Eris materialized a glowing parchment labeled "Plan F: Flee Like a Coward."
"Always have a getaway scroll," she explained. "Sleep with it. Snuggle it. Bond with it. Because when Belle invites you to 'a midnight muffin surprise' with that 'oops I forgot what's in them' expression, you're gonna want an instant warp to the next kingdom."
"I don't even know teleportation magic."
"Did I ask if you *knew* it?" she snapped. "You think escape artists know how handcuffs work? They just wiggle until they're out. Same logic."
She summoned a plush version of me and shoved it inside a dollhouse shaped like the mansion.
Cue the five doll-sized fiancées swarming it like tactical termites.
"And what if I forget the scroll?" I asked, watching the plush get tied to a ceremonial bed.
"Then you die," Eris said brightly.
"…Thanks."
"You're welcome."
She flipped the chalkboard again.
3. Never let them coordinate.
Images of the Jealous Five appeared, huddled together with clipboards and color-coded schedules.
"If they ever start sharing information," Eris whispered darkly, "you're screwed. One yandere is manageable. Two is tricky. Five is nuclear fusion. If they unionize, the only thing left of you will be a cute memorial fountain."
"Wasn't that your fault?"
"You're welcome again."
I groaned. "There has to be a way out of this…"
"There is." She leaned in, lips curling into a trollish smile. "You just have to fall in love with all of them equally, fulfill all their romantic expectations, give them daily attention, and never once show favoritism, exhaustion, or basic human limitation."
I stared.
"…So death, basically."
"Yup."
She patted my head.
"Now, let's review your current Affection Score chart."
She summoned a floating bar graph.
Every girl's bar was red. Pulsating. Sparking ominously.
"Congratulations," Eris announced. "You've reached Maximum Yandere Saturation. Any higher, and we unlock the bonus stage: Bloody Bridal Showdown!"
"That's not a feature I want unlocked!"
Eris winked. "You're welcome again."
Then she handed me a sticker that read:
I SURVIVED FIVE YANDERES AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS TRAUMA.
I tried to give it back.
It stuck to my hand.
Suddenly, a dark rumble echoed across the dreamscape. Lightning crackled. The dream realm flickered violently.
A giant shadow rose behind Eris.
Long horns. Crown of fire. Tail shaped like a heart-shaped scythe.
Lucivella.
The Demon Queen.
In dream form.
"I SMELL MY GROOM," she said, peering directly at me from the void.
"Oopsie," Eris muttered. "Looks like someone else hacked your dream."
"Can't you do something?!"
"Nope!" Eris chirped. "This is your cue to—"
System Notification:
[TELEPORTATION SCROLL AUTO-ACTIVATED]
[Dream Ejection Successful]
My world exploded into light.
I jolted upright in bed, gasping like a man yanked from drowning.
My heart pounded. My blanket was soaked. My pillow was gone. Replaced by—
—a glowing teleportation scroll tucked under my head.
I stared at it in awe.
"Did… did she actually help me?"
A piece of paper fluttered down from the ceiling. Eris's voice echoed in my mind as I read it:
"To my dumb meat puppet:
You're welcome.
Now smile, nod, and remember—sleep with one eye open.
Love, your favorite goddess troll,
Eris
P.S. There's a muffin in your drawer. Don't eat it."
I slowly opened the drawer.
There was, indeed, a muffin.
It was twitching.
System Notification:
[YANDERE SURVIVAL TIP: NEVER TRUST UNSOLICITED BAKED GOODS]
To be continued…