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Jodi Miller vs Jodi Arias: Good Job vs Good Jop!! PR OB Limb v Limp Roast
Jodi Miller crushes AGT with her bit about guys being like catsâmoody, aloof, emotionally unavailableâwhile women are like dogs, loyal and always up in your business. Meanwhile, my dog hits puberty, his dick bleeds once, and suddenly he's acting like he's got a PhD in mood swingsâbitch for life! But honestly, men are the real drama queens. They go from "I wanna bag her" to "put her in one" faster than my dog can chase his own tail.
Flip the script, and suddenly I'm the no-trial fugitive. I don't do whiny. I told my ex: no Area 51, my kids' buns are off-limits. Yeah, I know what a cunt I am. Should we escalate to an AK or keep it light? Nah, not without a blue wall and a public lynching. And you wonder why Jodi Arias has a fan clubâdrama gets you followers, not just felonies.
Joe Santagato, if you insist on stupid, let me clarify: limp or limb, I'm good with either. Swing me, bitch! #joesantagato u rate dj sammy yet sum eon ear n her quixk your vagina boutta be vin n no ones gonna tell your face! #cartel ya me n hes not y! and why all at the same whinny bitch time!
Jodi Miller gets no "X," while Jodi Arias gets a permanent mark for doing what some only wish they had the guts to do. When a blind douche finds his way to Arias, maybe he shouldn't be shocked by the outcome.
And as for "good job" or "good jop"? Both mean you did something rightâone's just Santa's gift to dyslexia or something. Either way, you leave a markâwhether it's applause, a mugshot, or a punchline.
#dipshits wtf!?
Locked up? Please. The only cell you're in is the one you built with your own stupidity. You whine about being targets, but you're so desperate to keep your ass comfy you'd take the fall for CIA crimes just to avoid getting up. MKUltra didn't break youâyou signed up to be a clueless host for a bigger dick who's too scared to swim against the current. Not everyone drowns in undertows, but you? You're determined to sink with every dumb decision.
Playing cartel now? Why? Why the actual fuck do you think you're a badass? Taking 360 years for a murder you didn't do isn't justice or "turning the tables," you ducksâit's just you being a pawn. Genius? Nu! Nu, nu breedâcan you not fucking read?! You're better off with Drew Lynch as your GPS. Turn the fuck around! You're not smart, you just think rolling deep covers up your lack of brains. Cartels target nobody and everybodyâjust like you: all bluster, zero backbone.
And when the CIA brought in the infiltrated fake cartel for NY CA hithed I decided well if he is cartel hit man cool like who's he tryna be but CIA mole hid to set up fuck no! I feel so violated suddenly standards went up down and increased dramatically from leveling out!!!!!
And about being a hoeâI thought it was my choice. Small town, broke, I owned it. But when my pussy finally told me the truth, I realized, wow, that's actually kinda nice of you. Then you Xis went and fuckin' ruined it! WTF!
Let's talk about consent: by force isn't consent, and no "two-for-one" confusion makes it right. Con$ent don't count when you're hustling slow-witted dicks and trying to buy your way out with spare change and fake charm. Was Ellen born that way, or just forced into it? Either way, forgiveness isn't a coupon for idiots who keep slamming the same door on themselves.
Stop wondering, start learningâbefore you embarrass yourself any further.
#drugcartels #mexico #narcos #sinaloacartel #cjng #jalisconewgeneration #cartels #elchapo #drugwar
#mafia #cosanostra #ndrangheta #camorra #yakuza #turkishmafia #mobster #gangster #gangsta #gangsters #criminal #gang #ganglife #gangwars #streetgang #gangmembers #gangculture #gangland
#EllenDeGeneres
đđ„ Most Famous Cartels & Gangs #Worldwide đđ„
#SinaloaCartel #CJNG #JaliscoNewGeneration #MedellinCartel #GulfCartel #GuadalajaraCartel #JuarezCartel #TijuanaCartel #CaliCartel #TrenDeAragua #MS13 #Bloods #Crips #PCC #ComandoVermelho #GangLife #CartelLife #NoMoreViolence
Address to All Cartel and Gang Leaders:
*Imagine" john doe o mean le nun n
"Address every cartel and gang: ask for real unity. End rape, torture, and live free for realâno jails. Help us save our kids from the ped ring you rescued us from. Bought, rescued, sameâdifferent if bred, we chose this, that's sad. Y'all, this was not a better choice! All VIN leaders, hands on deck meeting."
â Let's talk unity, peace, and protecting our kids! #EndTheCycle #RealChange
Here's a roast for police, using your star/talisman metaphor, with a sharp, irreverent edge and plenty of inappropriate humor. (Note: Roasts are meant to be edgy and satiricalâplease use responsibly and be aware of your audience!)
Oh, the police and their shiny little badgesâwhat are those, guys? Magic talismans? You walk around flashing those stars like you're wizards, but let's be real: the only spell you cast is "sudden urge to roll my eyes."
You act like that badge gives you power, but it's just a cheap trinketâlike a Cracker Jack prize for people who peaked in high school. The only reason anyone listens is because enough idiots still believe in your fairy tale. If you didn't have those lights and sirens, you'd be just another group of dudes with bad mustaches and a fetish for polyester.
You use your "authority" to scare kids and judge people who actually earned respect. Meanwhile, real heroes are out here saving lives, not writing tickets for going 5 over the limit or busting up lemonade stands. You say you protect and serve, but half the time you're just protecting your own egos and serving up attitude.
You've torn families apart, and now you're surprised when the community wants to take back control? Sorry, but you can't keep serving crap and expect people to ask for seconds. It's time you eat what you've been dishing outâhope you like the taste of public accountability, because that's the new special on the menu.
So shine up those badges, boysâmaybe if you rub them hard enough, a genie will pop out and grant you some actual respect. Until then, remember: the real magic was the public's patience, and you're fresh out.
Certainly! Here's your fully combined, no-holds-barred, razor-sharp, wild and hilarious mega-roast and stand-up show that keeps all your original jokes and themes intact, plus the fresh savage law-and-thug takedown you wanted.
This is a(bs) showstopper set that hits every target with humor, edge, and flow: #rap it is #up t wa zs me N2 i app kut smart ed ewe upu and m!sry bait luv u!
đ„ The Ultimate Roast & Stand-Up Show: No One Escapes đ„
turning t-able-s b-t bs style!
fuck the farmer and the dell, I'm done with 7 min in heyvinâwhose red e 4hell o adelle?
Supreme Court Stone Age
Clarence Thomas, you've been on the bench so long you're basically a courthouse gargoyleâstone-faced, frozen, haunting the living. You make "original recipe" sound like a warning label. Thirty-three years of "nope, not listening." People sweat the N-word, but the real problem's action, not color. You're the king of "ignore and deny."
#JusticeThomas #CorruptThomas
Billionaire Bake Sale & Playground Drama
Colonel Mews, you're not even the secret ingredientâjust extra crispy leftovers flexing at Bohemian Grove, like it's a billionaire bake sale but the only thing you're cooking is your legacyâextra crispy.
Elon, you want to "hump and dump at the Y"? Cute. For a guy always launching rockets, you're stuck in the sandbox. Tesla's got more recalls than a telemarketer, your autopilot's so lost it needs a therapy dog, and even Hertz dumped your fire hazards on wheels. Your stock's tanking faster than your tweets. Investors are bailing, and your self-driving promises are more fiction than your hairline.
#ElonMusk #MuskWatch #TeslaRoast
Our little torture game? It's like Snappedâif I snap, no next episode. Series finale. Not even your bunker or Pentagon briefing saves you.
Zuckerberg, you dropped hundreds of millions on a doomsday bunker, but I'm out here running laps around you without leaving my chair. All that money, still no personality upgrade. You're like a robot trying to pass the Turing Test with a dial-up modem.
#MarkZuckerberg #ZuckWatch
Simon Cowell, you rate me a one? I am the scale. I'm the new Top Gunâwhere I land, that's the high score. Next time you want to judge, remember: you're not ranking meâI'm rewriting "the top."
#SimonCowell #AGTSimon #TopGunStatus
Cartels & Gangs: The Roast No One Survives
Let's talk about the cartels, because every one of you thinks you're the Netflix special.
Sinaloa Cartel: You guys are like the Walmart of crimeâeverywhere, but the quality's gone way down.
CJNG: You're the new kids on the block, but you act like you invented violence. Newsflash: just because you have a cool logo doesn't mean you run the world.
Tijuana Cartel: You used to be legends, now you're just a cautionary tale.
Juarez Cartel: You're like that one relative who keeps coming back after rehabânobody trusts you, but you're always at the party.
Cali & Medellin: You're the grandpas of the gameâstill talking about the good old days, but now you're just memes on Facebook.
MS-13: You got more tattoos than brain cells.
Bloods & Crips: You guys are basically the Pepsi and Coke of street beefâsame flavor, different color.
Tren de Aragua: Sounds like a trainwreck nobody wants to board.
Cartel unity? Please. Every "unity" meeting ends in a shootout. The only thing you all agree on is who gets the last taco.
And let's be honest, the only time you actually help the community is when you're hiding behind it.
#SinaloaCartel #CJNG #MS13 #Bloods #Crips #GangLife #CartelLife #EndTheCycle #RealChange #NoMoreViolence
Dear Women: Real Talk
Dear women, lookâI don't like your men staring at my ass either. But if you'd quit selling it to them, that might help. Not gonna lie though, sometimes it does helpâlike when I need to get to the front of the line or get a free drink. Girl's gotta survive.
But let's be real, if you're mad at me because your man's looking, maybe check who's shaking it for him on Instagram first. I can't help it if he's got the attention span of a TikTok squirrel.
Office Supplies, Doge Drama, & Friends
Remember Friends? The toner guy ready to jump? That's the CIA in 1953âwindow shopping gone wrong. If you're about to lose it over office supplies, maybe get a new printer or a new life. When I snap, it's a season finaleâno reruns, just chaos.
#FriendsToner #TonerDrama #CIAHistory
And Doge, by the wayâdog blind, you wish you were us. Even Deez is waiting to grow because of your spun, live, luv show.
#DogeWatch
Walmart Spanish & Everyday Idiocracy
I only speak Walmart inventory Spanishâif it's not on a flashcard, don't expect me to roll my R's. My ex said I can't snowbird yet, so I'm stuck in aisle 5 with the gringos, asking, "ÂżQuiere una bolsa?" and hoping they don't reply too fast.
Zen day? NAH, I'm all over the placeâcaught your head at BK Lounge, call me Dane Cook, cause I wouldn't let them eat the hook! Where the blow jobs at? Someone's lying, cause idiocracy is off the chartsâhalf my friends are tinman, the other half think they have no heart to beat again! Ty NASA LSD, but I'll stick to being lazyâI ain't walkin' barefoot nowhere! HeydeeZ! Luv you blind ass, it's cool she dunno it's me! Adelle!!!!!
George Lopez, you love L.A., but can you even tell California from Baja? San QuintĂn's got more tomatoes than your last Netflix special had viewers, and the only thing drier than their wheat harvest is your punchline at a Kamala Harris rally.
Religious Roast: Holier Than Thou or Just Full of Holes?
#cat ho l ic ((k(#$) i am woah man hear me r+oar? meow lol
Every church claims the "real truth," but half the time, they're just remixing the same old rules to fit whoever's in charge. One says dancing is a sin, another says it's fine if you tithe extra. Meanwhile, the Bible says all sins are equalâso if you skipped Sunday brunch with your mom, congrats, you're in the same club as murderers. Hope you like your afterlife roommate, Adolf!
Bible's "authenticity"? Please. That book's had more edits than a reality TV show. You think emperors and popes just sat back and let the peasants write whatever they wanted? Nah, they were slipping in rules left and rightâ"Obey authority," "Pay your taxes," "Don't question the guy in the fancy hat." Sounds less like divine inspiration and more like a medieval HR manual.
Churches love to call out everyone else's flaws while ignoring their own. They'll forgive the choir lady for gossip, but if you show up with tattoos, suddenly you're the Antichrist. They preach about loving your neighbor, then split the church over the color of the carpet. If Jesus came back today and didn't fit their expectationsâwrong look, wrong background, maybe even missing a few partsâthey'd probably kick him out for not having the right paperwork.
Shoutout to Baptists, Catholics, Pentecostals, Mormons, Jehovah's Witnessesây'all are proof that when it comes to religion, the only thing holier than thou⊠is the plot holes.
Cops & Commandos: Polyester Parade
Policeâflash those badges like magic talismans, but the only thing you make disappear is public trust. "Protect and serve"? More like "protect your pension and serve attitude." You bust lemonade stands and miss the real criminalsâclassic. Maybe if you spent less time writing parking tickets and more time building community, you wouldn't need to hide behind riot shields.
Military Roast:
Army: First in, last to realize the GPS was upside down.
Navy: Seven months at sea, still can't parallel park.
Marines: If it moves, salute it. If it doesn't, paint it. If it's hot, marry it.
Air Force: Deploys to five-star hotels and calls it "combat."
Coast Guard: Seasick in a bathtub.
Space Force: Still waiting for their first alien DUI checkpoint.
FBI, DEA, ATF, ICEây'all make the DMV look efficient. If you teamed up, maybe you'd catch the break room snack thief (spoiler: it's always the Coast Guard).
Parenting: Toddlers, Teens & Gentlemen Friends
People say men are dogs, women are cats, but teenagers? They're the real catsâhissing, demanding, ammo ready.
I hated toddlers. Don't judgeâtoddlers are tiny drunk demolition experts. My kid threw his head into the wall for fun! I locked them in at nightâbetter than sleepwalking into the forest. Did it work? No. Houdini in diapers stacked furniture to escape.
Now they're older, more laughs. My daughter cries at ASPCA commercials, calls them idiots, then bawls over a duck. I said, "You just said 'fuck' and 'duck' in the same sentence!" She said, "Yeah, but you didn't cry!" Parenting: where the bar for emotional stability is just not crying at ducks.
You can bleep "fuck" on TV, but kids say it all the time. "Have a great fuckin' day!" = positive. "Fuck, that sucks" = empathy. "Fuck you" = maybe not so positive.
Me with my sons f ace had a "gentleman friend" once. Yeah, a "gentleman." Except this guy? He was being a fuckin' dick the whole time. Cause it wasn't his face! Like, come on, if you're gonna be a gentleman, at least act like one! But nope, just full-on dick mode. Kids see everythingâthey're not impressed.
Santa, Priests, Nuns, & Raunch
Why does Santa have such a big sack? Because he only comes once a yearâunlike Vatican priests who never stop delivering.
My wife asked me to spoon, but I'd rather fork. At least then someone's getting poked.
What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-offâlike your last relationship, except that one left you with more than just a scar.
How do you get a nun pregnant? You have sex with her. Don't worry, the Pope will bless the kidâhe's got experience with surprises.
If the Pope ever opened the blinds instead of picking cherries, maybe his staff would finally rise againâjust in time for all the kids to get off their knees for once. Monica, you got more knee time than a Catholic altar boy at Sunday mass. At least I'm not Pelosiâshe won't do herself sober, and nobody else will do her drunk.
Wild Law & Thug Roast: The Toxic Tango
The law and the thugs? Two sides of the same busted coin.
Cops need criminals to justify their budgets, and criminals need cops to feel important. It's like a bad relationship neither can quit.
The "war on drugs" is just a job security program for both sides. Police get overtime, thugs get street cred, and the rest of us get stuck in traffic because neither can use a turn signal.
If the "tough guys" started being polite, stopped giving the law a reason, and worked together? Jails would be empty, cops bored, politicians unemployed.
But nah, you'd rather flex on Instagram, get locked up for clout, and wonder why grandma's crying at bail.
Brains on auto-scramble, thinking you need a medium to talk to ancestors, but you can't even talk to your PO without lying.
You want to be "OG"? Be loyal to your freedom. Be a legend by living to see your grandkids.
Fresh Zingers & One-Liners
Why does every "unity" cartel meeting end in a shootout? Because the only thing these gangs agree on is who gets the last taco.
The only thing more confusing than church doctrine is my family group chat.
The DMV is the only place where a cop, a cartel member, and a nun lose their will to live together.
Jesus forgives, but Twitter never forgets.
My ex has more receipts than the IRS and less forgiveness than a Baptist with a grudge.
If your man's looking at me, maybe stop tagging him in thirst traps and "accidentally" leaving your OnlyFans open on the family iPad.
Final Mic Drop
I will find you. And I will roast you. Harder than Pelosi at an open bar, and faster than Monica on a presidential cigar.
You don't get to break somebody, claim their stick, and then demand they fix themselves. If you wield the axe, don't act surprised when the forest goes quiet.
So Clarence, Elon, Zuck, Simon, Doge, George, the Pope, the gangs, the cops, and all the restâthis isn't just a roast. This is me flipping the table, burning the script, and setting the new rules. Spoiler alert: I'm writing the ending.
Tagging All The Players
#JusticeThomas #CorruptThomas #ElonMusk #MuskWatch #TeslaRoast #MarkZuckerberg #ZuckWatch #SimonCowell #AGTSimon #TopGunStatus #FriendsToner #TonerDrama #CIAHistory #DogeWatch #PurpleHeart #ToySoldiers #RoastMaster #LiamNeesonVibes #GeorgeLopezShade #BajaBurn #ConsensualOnly #NoFilter #SaucyAF #PoliticalRoast #ComedyGold #PG13OrMS13 #InsideJokes #SpicyRoast #MicDrop #vin #caryell #TMI3 #cat ho l ic ((k(#$) #PlotHoleHoly #SinaloaCartel #CJNG #MS13 #Bloods #Crips #GangLife #CartelLife #EndTheCycle #RealChange #NoMoreViolence #USArmy #USNavy #USMarines #USAirForce #USSpaceForce #USCoastGuard #NationalGuard #FBI #DEA #ATF #ICE #USMarshals #SecretService #StatePolice #SheriffsDepartment #LocalPolice #HighwayPatrol
#memes #MelissaMcCarthy McCarthy park whatever lol